Hi, I need advice, from someone knowageable.

Roxieann
Roxieann Member Posts: 6
edited March 2014 in Emotional Support #1
Hi,
My father has termanal cancer, they have given him 6 months. The thing is My sisters and one brother and I never saw him alot these past few years, and I think now that he is dieing,My other brother that lived next to him and is his caregiver, is trying to keep us away from him. We have all seen him in the last 3 weeks one time, one at a time. Now my brother is saying the dr. says we can't see him until he sees him again in 2 weeks. Reason being we caused him to much stress and caused him to ware himself out. When I arrived the first night daddy was asleep, so I waited until he woke to even kiss him. I only was there around an hour II didn't want to wear him out, my brother had already said daddy couldn't handle alot. I went back the next morning and he was asleep again. I sit and talked to my sister in-law around an hour before he woke-up at 12 noon. I sit in a chair by the couch and spoke to him only when he seemed to be lucid, that was for 45 min. I left and headed for the 2 hour trip home. That was on a thursday. Friday they had to take him 45 min. away from me to put a port pump in, he was in there till Monday. I found out Sunday he was there. My brother put it on face book, Which I didn't see. But didn't call, I was really hurt. My oldest sister lives 5 hours away from here and has taken sick leave to see him and she is staying here with me, which is doing her no good because they are saying we can't see him for 2 weeks. He is getting weaker each day. What if in those 2 weeks he doesn't know us anymore or passes away??? I need to know if the dr. would really say this. Or if maybe they are really trying to get daddy stronger. My sister-in-law posted on face book today that daddy is getting weaker each day. I don't know what to do. Do I call my brother again and confront him and chance never seeing daddy again? Or wait the 2 weeks and see what happens? I have no idea who his doctor is, so I can't talk to him. Please someone help me. My heart is breaking along with my other siblings.
Joyce

Comments

  • gishagrl
    gishagrl Member Posts: 4
    #2
    The hospital!
    Hello Joyce,
    I am so sorry to hear of what is going on with your dad. These situations are always hard no matter what. My great grandmother was in a similar one, having to with money. Her sons thought the whole family was after it. Needless to say . . . NON of us cared about money. The point is, it is very easy to manipulate what a Doctor means, at no point what so ever could a person be a Doctor or not decide what you're Dad would want or not want. Even if you only saw him very irregularly you still know better than the Doctor on staff at the time would. At NO point what so ever would a Doctor say that seeing family was too stressful unless the stress was in the room.
    Call the hospital, talk to the tending physician on duty. Find out for yourself, that's what we had to do. Don't waist any more time with your father. Time is much, much too precious.
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #3
    join the team
    It sounds like your sister in law is your open door. Something's up with your brother, but this is not about him. It's about your dad, and you know that he loves all of his children and wants them near, period.

    It sounds like you are a wonderful, quiet, unobtrusive visitor. Go every chance you get. Just show up and join the team. There is no waiting period.
  • bluerose
    bluerose Member Posts: 1,104
    #4
    Tough situation but I can relate
    I am so sorry for your situation, not only with the possibility of losing your Father but being kept at a distance as well at a time like this.

    I am a 20 year cancer survivor and my kids, well young adults now, are at a distance in other parts of the country and really never check in with me to see how I am doing at all. I have often wondered what I would do, who I would want to see if I was at the end and sometimes I have thought about this scenario you are in as well. It depends on the day as to what I think I would do or if not lucid ask someone closer to do for me in my final wishes, who to allow in and who not to.

    For your own peace of mind I would try calling his hospital, if there are several in the area call them all and ask for that patient and that you are family. Don't get put through to his room (if he has a phone) but then at least you will know he is there. Then when you find him maybe talk to the nurses on his ward and ask them for his docs name. I think you said he was in hospital now. Then you will be able to call his doc directly without having to go through your brother and still, as family, have access to the information through his doc, I would think.

    You can always talk to your brother again, or try, but I can see his point in not wanting to upset your Father at a time when he is the weakest but then again if you want closure you have to move on this quickly and see if the doc agrees you should or shouldn't go in. I don't know if your brother is just telling you that to help your Dad or what - only the doc can say what is the best way to proceed at this point. If your sister in law is a way in even better.

    Unfortunately this scenario I think comes up more than we know, families who are estranged then suddenly one gets this ill and its a 'what to do now' situation with much scrambling and upset. I could well be there too near the end, hope not.

    I hope you can get your Dad's docs name and I guess if push comes to shove you might be able to get a lawyer to force your brother to give up the docs name so you can be involved as well with your Dad's care. It's a thought. Maybe just the threat of getting a lawyer to make him give up your Dad's docs name might work. TEll your brother first that you don't want to go that far but this is your Dad too and even though the past has been rocky you want to be able to say goodbye at least, if his doc thinks it won't put him in a bad situation, well worse one I mean.

    I don't know if I agree that you should just go in. You don't want the last scene with your Dad to be a traumatic one either with getting him so upset that things are said that you don't want to hear or remember as a last memory. I really think you need to check with his doctor first and see what he thinks he can handle - but you need to move soon no matter what choice you make.

    Let us know how it all goes.

    Blessings, Bluerose
  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
    #5
    Tough One
    This is a tough one. My guess, and my guess only, is maybe your brother is a little resentful that you did not come around for a few years even though you only lived 2 hours away. Your sister in law is probably your best bet for finding out informtion. Did your visit upset your dad? Personally, I don't think your brother is right in keeping you away but he is the one involved with the day to day caregiving. As a caregiver to my husband who has Stage IV colon cancer, you have no idea what is involved, it can be overwhelming at times with doctor appointments, hospital stays, scans, blood tests, meals, medications and the list goes on and on and your brother is responsible for it all and sees you as someone who walks in, visits, and goes home. Maybe offering to help in any way you can, that you are available to him 24/7 will soften things. You can try talking to the doctor but he may not be able to tell you much without your dad or brother's ok to the same. The doctor does not know you so he just can't talk to you without the patient's ok. If Dad is getting a port then that means he will be getting chemo, perhaps you could offer to be the one to go take Dad to chemo thus giving your brother a much needed break. Take care - Tina
  • Roxieann
    Roxieann Member Posts: 6
    #6
    geotina said:

    Tough One
    This is a tough one. My guess, and my guess only, is maybe your brother is a little resentful that you did not come around for a few years even though you only lived 2 hours away. Your sister in law is probably your best bet for finding out informtion. Did your visit upset your dad? Personally, I don't think your brother is right in keeping you away but he is the one involved with the day to day caregiving. As a caregiver to my husband who has Stage IV colon cancer, you have no idea what is involved, it can be overwhelming at times with doctor appointments, hospital stays, scans, blood tests, meals, medications and the list goes on and on and your brother is responsible for it all and sees you as someone who walks in, visits, and goes home. Maybe offering to help in any way you can, that you are available to him 24/7 will soften things. You can try talking to the doctor but he may not be able to tell you much without your dad or brother's ok to the same. The doctor does not know you so he just can't talk to you without the patient's ok. If Dad is getting a port then that means he will be getting chemo, perhaps you could offer to be the one to go take Dad to chemo thus giving your brother a much needed break. Take care - Tina

    HI
    My dad is at home. If he was in the hospital I would go up there. I have decided to call my brother and talk to him. I've never been the type to push, but I think for my families sake I need too. My husband says I'm a rock. Meaning strong when bad things acur. I have been through a simular situation. I helped care for my mother- in -law. Plus my father- in - law lived with me untill he passed away here in my home. I took care of him. He didn't have cancer, he had copd, and first stage alshimers. Hospice came in to help. Daddy is no longer on any meds. except morphine. Hospice is in with him now. I just learned on Christmas day he had cancer. I called Thanksgiving and they said he had laryngitis. It started as a tumor on his lung which was pressing on his vocol cords. Inoperable because of his copd.Although it wouldn't have mattered because it had already spread to his bones, spine and limpnods and arotic window. So all this happened so quick.
    I don't think my sister -in -law would be any help. I think she is just as bad as he is. They could have called me when daddy was up here in the hospital and I would have went to see him plus they had their 12 and 13 year old staying up there with them and I could have brought them home with me. But they didn't. Well, I'll go now. thank you I'll post after talking to my brother tonight.
    Joy
  • Roxieann
    Roxieann Member Posts: 6
    #7
    bluerose said:

    Tough situation but I can relate
    I am so sorry for your situation, not only with the possibility of losing your Father but being kept at a distance as well at a time like this.

    I am a 20 year cancer survivor and my kids, well young adults now, are at a distance in other parts of the country and really never check in with me to see how I am doing at all. I have often wondered what I would do, who I would want to see if I was at the end and sometimes I have thought about this scenario you are in as well. It depends on the day as to what I think I would do or if not lucid ask someone closer to do for me in my final wishes, who to allow in and who not to.

    For your own peace of mind I would try calling his hospital, if there are several in the area call them all and ask for that patient and that you are family. Don't get put through to his room (if he has a phone) but then at least you will know he is there. Then when you find him maybe talk to the nurses on his ward and ask them for his docs name. I think you said he was in hospital now. Then you will be able to call his doc directly without having to go through your brother and still, as family, have access to the information through his doc, I would think.

    You can always talk to your brother again, or try, but I can see his point in not wanting to upset your Father at a time when he is the weakest but then again if you want closure you have to move on this quickly and see if the doc agrees you should or shouldn't go in. I don't know if your brother is just telling you that to help your Dad or what - only the doc can say what is the best way to proceed at this point. If your sister in law is a way in even better.

    Unfortunately this scenario I think comes up more than we know, families who are estranged then suddenly one gets this ill and its a 'what to do now' situation with much scrambling and upset. I could well be there too near the end, hope not.

    I hope you can get your Dad's docs name and I guess if push comes to shove you might be able to get a lawyer to force your brother to give up the docs name so you can be involved as well with your Dad's care. It's a thought. Maybe just the threat of getting a lawyer to make him give up your Dad's docs name might work. TEll your brother first that you don't want to go that far but this is your Dad too and even though the past has been rocky you want to be able to say goodbye at least, if his doc thinks it won't put him in a bad situation, well worse one I mean.

    I don't know if I agree that you should just go in. You don't want the last scene with your Dad to be a traumatic one either with getting him so upset that things are said that you don't want to hear or remember as a last memory. I really think you need to check with his doctor first and see what he thinks he can handle - but you need to move soon no matter what choice you make.

    Let us know how it all goes.

    Blessings, Bluerose

    hI
    My dad id at home, hospice is with him.
  • Roxieann
    Roxieann Member Posts: 6
    #8
    Barbara53 said:

    join the team
    It sounds like your sister in law is your open door. Something's up with your brother, but this is not about him. It's about your dad, and you know that he loves all of his children and wants them near, period.

    It sounds like you are a wonderful, quiet, unobtrusive visitor. Go every chance you get. Just show up and join the team. There is no waiting period.

    Helpless
    I don't think my sister-in-law would be any help. And you are right , daddy told me to come as often as possible. I wouldn't care if I could see him asleep and sit in another room. At least I could see him. My brother just lost his mom of cancer on Easter 2 years ago. So I know this is really hard on him. But this is my dad too. I plan to call him tonight. Will post again later. bye for now.
  • lindaprocopio
    lindaprocopio Member Posts: 1,980
    #9
    Roxieann said:

    HI
    My dad is at home. If he was in the hospital I would go up there. I have decided to call my brother and talk to him. I've never been the type to push, but I think for my families sake I need too. My husband says I'm a rock. Meaning strong when bad things acur. I have been through a simular situation. I helped care for my mother- in -law. Plus my father- in - law lived with me untill he passed away here in my home. I took care of him. He didn't have cancer, he had copd, and first stage alshimers. Hospice came in to help. Daddy is no longer on any meds. except morphine. Hospice is in with him now. I just learned on Christmas day he had cancer. I called Thanksgiving and they said he had laryngitis. It started as a tumor on his lung which was pressing on his vocol cords. Inoperable because of his copd.Although it wouldn't have mattered because it had already spread to his bones, spine and limpnods and arotic window. So all this happened so quick.
    I don't think my sister -in -law would be any help. I think she is just as bad as he is. They could have called me when daddy was up here in the hospital and I would have went to see him plus they had their 12 and 13 year old staying up there with them and I could have brought them home with me. But they didn't. Well, I'll go now. thank you I'll post after talking to my brother tonight.
    Joy

    I went thru this when my dad was dying of cancer.
    My father died if inoperable cancer many years ago. My step-mother was very protective of my dad in his final months. She had him at home and had hospice come in and between them they handled the morphine, etc. Although I'd driven down to see my father at the hosiptal when he was first diagnosed 2 months earlier, I was surprised that my step-mother didn't want me to come to the house to tell my dad good-bye or to see him one last time. She said it would tire him too much, that she simply had to put her foot down about "the kids" (I was in my 30's then!) visiting and upsetting him or taking the last of his energy from him. (I have 4 siblings.) I went anyway. At first she wouldn't let me in the house. She came out and gave me a big hug and asked me to go. When I started crying, because I'd driven so far, and I really just wanted to kiss him good-bye, she relented, after getting my promise to keep it short and not to cry in there.

    My step-mother and I talked about this just yesterday. She brought it up. She said "I was wrong to try and keep you away when Jack was dying. You were right to come and see him. He loved it."

    So, go. I think they'll let you in.
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #10
    lindaprocopio said:

    I went thru this when my dad was dying of cancer.
    My father died if inoperable cancer many years ago. My step-mother was very protective of my dad in his final months. She had him at home and had hospice come in and between them they handled the morphine, etc. Although I'd driven down to see my father at the hosiptal when he was first diagnosed 2 months earlier, I was surprised that my step-mother didn't want me to come to the house to tell my dad good-bye or to see him one last time. She said it would tire him too much, that she simply had to put her foot down about "the kids" (I was in my 30's then!) visiting and upsetting him or taking the last of his energy from him. (I have 4 siblings.) I went anyway. At first she wouldn't let me in the house. She came out and gave me a big hug and asked me to go. When I started crying, because I'd driven so far, and I really just wanted to kiss him good-bye, she relented, after getting my promise to keep it short and not to cry in there.

    My step-mother and I talked about this just yesterday. She brought it up. She said "I was wrong to try and keep you away when Jack was dying. You were right to come and see him. He loved it."

    So, go. I think they'll let you in.

    Be with your dad as much as possible!
    Dear Roxie,
    I have recently lost my dad to cancer on 3/9/10. I spent every day with him. I was not with him when he passed, but that is ok, I know that I did my best and spent alot of time with him. Dad and I had such a strong bond, that I do not think he would have gone when he did if I had been there.

    Your other family members have got to stop being so selfish, and think of your dad. You dad wants to see you, so go. Go as much as you can. You do not want to regret this if you do not go. Hug him, hold him, kiss him, tell him how much you love him. Give him the peace that it is ok if he goes now. Talk to him.

    Your family members will have to deal with their issues themselves. This has to be between you and your dad. Best of luck. Keep us posted.
    Tina
  • Roxieann
    Roxieann Member Posts: 6
    #11
    lindaprocopio said:

    I went thru this when my dad was dying of cancer.
    My father died if inoperable cancer many years ago. My step-mother was very protective of my dad in his final months. She had him at home and had hospice come in and between them they handled the morphine, etc. Although I'd driven down to see my father at the hosiptal when he was first diagnosed 2 months earlier, I was surprised that my step-mother didn't want me to come to the house to tell my dad good-bye or to see him one last time. She said it would tire him too much, that she simply had to put her foot down about "the kids" (I was in my 30's then!) visiting and upsetting him or taking the last of his energy from him. (I have 4 siblings.) I went anyway. At first she wouldn't let me in the house. She came out and gave me a big hug and asked me to go. When I started crying, because I'd driven so far, and I really just wanted to kiss him good-bye, she relented, after getting my promise to keep it short and not to cry in there.

    My step-mother and I talked about this just yesterday. She brought it up. She said "I was wrong to try and keep you away when Jack was dying. You were right to come and see him. He loved it."

    So, go. I think they'll let you in.

    Helpless
    I promised to post a new message once I talked to my brother. I asked him strait up, if he was keeping us from daddy. I think he was being honest with me when he said he wasn't. When I called I could tell they where having a hard time with him. He tries to get out of bed. I talked to daddy for about 30 sec. And couldn't hardly understand him, he did know me. I was glad of that. He knows why we aren't there. I told my brother that I would just sit in the kitchen, just to be where daddy is. I guess I'll just wait till he goes back to the dr. Thankyou for all the advice.
    Joy
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #12
    Roxieann said:

    Helpless
    I promised to post a new message once I talked to my brother. I asked him strait up, if he was keeping us from daddy. I think he was being honest with me when he said he wasn't. When I called I could tell they where having a hard time with him. He tries to get out of bed. I talked to daddy for about 30 sec. And couldn't hardly understand him, he did know me. I was glad of that. He knows why we aren't there. I told my brother that I would just sit in the kitchen, just to be where daddy is. I guess I'll just wait till he goes back to the dr. Thankyou for all the advice.
    Joy

    you did well
    Your dad may be ready to go soon. But you know, the most real and important moments aren't the last ones. By then the body is so wrecked, the person doesn't "know" much of anything or anyone. The most real and important moments were those that you created, when you made it your mission to sit with your dad and give him a kiss. Good girl. You did well.

    Your brother has a point, in that when people are on their way out they don't seem to care to see people anymore, including some that love them dearly. Maybe it's part of the departure process. I can't defend his getting in the way of visits from siblings, but we all do the best we can.
  • appleyellowgreen
    appleyellowgreen Member Posts: 38 Member
    #13
    Roxieann said:

    Helpless
    I promised to post a new message once I talked to my brother. I asked him strait up, if he was keeping us from daddy. I think he was being honest with me when he said he wasn't. When I called I could tell they where having a hard time with him. He tries to get out of bed. I talked to daddy for about 30 sec. And couldn't hardly understand him, he did know me. I was glad of that. He knows why we aren't there. I told my brother that I would just sit in the kitchen, just to be where daddy is. I guess I'll just wait till he goes back to the dr. Thankyou for all the advice.
    Joy

    Your string of posts
    Joy

    Have read through all of your posts and seen many responses. You are doing well. Your brother is making things very difficult. I think you should try and speak to him again and remind him that you are a blood relative. You have every right to see your father. If there comes a time when he doesn't recognize you at all, or if you go there and all he does is sleep, you will still be there with him. I sat at my father's bedside for days. He didn't know who I was. It didn't matter. I knew who he was and I thought of him and prayed for him.

    Today is the 10th anniversary of my father's passing. Maybe that's part of why I feel so strongly that you have to have closure. You need to feel okay with all of this.

    Has it ever occured to your brother that you could be of help to him and his wife. Your being at the house could give him a break. You just need to be told what to do.

    If NOTHING else happens - you should not have to find all of this out on FaceBook. You deserve emails directly to you and you alone with the right information. I'm sure your brother is busy, but he should tell you what is going on. This is family. Do whatever you can. If he forbids you, you still have rights. Is hospice still with your Dad?

    I'm sure this is very complicated. At this point it is about you and not your Dad. You want to see him. The worst your brother can do is argue with you. You say all you want to do is sit in the same place your father is. Personally, I think you have the right.

    That's all from me. Good luck Joy.

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