Angriest woman in the world

Cindy Bear
Cindy Bear Member Posts: 569
edited March 2014 in Emotional Support #1
Some of you have probably seen my posts here and there. A brief synopsis, mother diag. with Stage IV uterine cancer in Feb. 09. in June 09 she passed away 4 mos. into treatment (chemo) a treatment we were told was working. Well it didn't work. not for her. She was 79 yrs old. I have been and continue to be very angry. I feel like something of a circus freak, maybe Guiness would be interested. The angriest woman in the world.. I am angry at God and fate and the unfairness of life. I am angry at her doctors and the NP and the nurses and the hospital that continues to send bills 8 and 9 mos. after her death. $15.00 here, 20.00 there. Date of service and no explanation. Anyone else have that happen to them. We've paid them. My sister handles her mail (we still own the house) and the few times she's called to tell them my mother was deceased, the first thing out of their mouths is 'Is there an estate?" They want their money don't they. I understand cancer and chemo are both unpredictable and all kinds of things can and do go wrong. The Snotty NP told me after my mother passed away, "it's not an exact science you know" But they presented it that way. Not an exact science per se and they made no promises or guarantees but they did lead us to believe that if the treatment wasn't going to work, they'd be able to tell from weekly blood work, vitals, exams and scans. After she died we heard things like, "I guess the treatment wasn't working", 'your mother most likely died from multi-faceted factors" But when I press them for more details, they admit they don't know.
I also just came to the realization that I'm very angry with my mother. Angry at her for leaving us, for dying and because I think she had to have known that it wasn't just arthritis that something more serious was wrong. Looking at her medical records, it says several times that the patient was alert, pleasant and cooperative. I believe pleasant and cooperative cost my mother her life. This woman who had no trouble yelling at the chemlawn guy or a cashier if she got overcharged wouldn't open her mouth to medical personnel. When we tried to run intereference and advocate for her, she got upset.
Sorry for the venting..

Comments

  • webozo
    webozo Member Posts: 82 Member
    #2
    my mother passed along time
    my mother passed along time ago i think about 15 years but i have a bill for medical suplies that i recieved june 17 2008 i framed it after i called the number i told them to jump in the river i have not gotten any more but my brother has and he stills pays them he says it is the right thing to do i say they are stealing i took care of all of her bills with in 6 months of her death it took that long to get some of them hospice was the worse for trying to get all the bills from.
  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    #3
    Cindy...
    It is not at all surprising that you are angry. Anger is one of the normal stages of grief.
    Some of us (probably most of us) need some help in one way or another to move through and beyond the anger and on toward completing the grief process (this is not to suggest that we are ever 'done' with sadness after the loss of a loved one - only that we find ways to cope with it in a healthy manner).
    Venting here is one way you have chosen to help yourself through this process. So please do not apologize. I can tell from your writing that you are a mature, intelligent woman and so I know you will have the spirit and courage to avail yourself of other means of help and support as you deem necessary.
    I would like to suggest to you one thing that helped me tremendously after I lost my mother over five years ago. As I was going through her things, I found a large box of costume jewelry, some of it so old I remembered playing dress-up with it as a child. I thought about how these many, many pieces of jewelry marked 'red-letter' events in her life. I had no idea where some of them came from, but some were gifts I and other family members had given her at various times. Some were just pieces that she liked enough to buy for herself. But each one meant enough to her to be kept through the years.
    So, I decided....(she passed away in October)....to take these pieces apart, and with a little creativity, I was able to fashion about 75 Christmas tree ornaments from the beads, chains, clips, etc. I then gave many of them to family and friends as remembrances of Mother. The idea was met with appreciation from all, and the project was so very therapeutic for me.
    So, perhaps you could create something in remembrance of your mother. Did she have a hobby? Did she collect certain items? Was there a favorite charity she supported? Anything that was a part of her life can become the basis for you to generate a loving tribute to her. And you will find that your anger (and I suspect depression?) will be a great deal less troublesome for the effort.
    God bless.
  • wonderingalice
    wonderingalice Member Posts: 49
    #4
    zahalene said:

    Cindy...
    It is not at all surprising that you are angry. Anger is one of the normal stages of grief.
    Some of us (probably most of us) need some help in one way or another to move through and beyond the anger and on toward completing the grief process (this is not to suggest that we are ever 'done' with sadness after the loss of a loved one - only that we find ways to cope with it in a healthy manner).
    Venting here is one way you have chosen to help yourself through this process. So please do not apologize. I can tell from your writing that you are a mature, intelligent woman and so I know you will have the spirit and courage to avail yourself of other means of help and support as you deem necessary.
    I would like to suggest to you one thing that helped me tremendously after I lost my mother over five years ago. As I was going through her things, I found a large box of costume jewelry, some of it so old I remembered playing dress-up with it as a child. I thought about how these many, many pieces of jewelry marked 'red-letter' events in her life. I had no idea where some of them came from, but some were gifts I and other family members had given her at various times. Some were just pieces that she liked enough to buy for herself. But each one meant enough to her to be kept through the years.
    So, I decided....(she passed away in October)....to take these pieces apart, and with a little creativity, I was able to fashion about 75 Christmas tree ornaments from the beads, chains, clips, etc. I then gave many of them to family and friends as remembrances of Mother. The idea was met with appreciation from all, and the project was so very therapeutic for me.
    So, perhaps you could create something in remembrance of your mother. Did she have a hobby? Did she collect certain items? Was there a favorite charity she supported? Anything that was a part of her life can become the basis for you to generate a loving tribute to her. And you will find that your anger (and I suspect depression?) will be a great deal less troublesome for the effort.
    God bless.

    Zahalene
    What a beautiful and creative tribute!
  • lindaprocopio
    lindaprocopio Member Posts: 1,980
    #5
    wonderingalice said:

    Zahalene
    What a beautiful and creative tribute!

    I agree! I LOVE this idea!
    When my sister was killed in a car accident, I was given her jewelry box. I cried going through her things, so sad that all she had was junk, nothing good or valuable, when she had truly deserved to have some nice things. She lived in a tiny old trailer, with no nice furniture or clothes, no children, nothing. The most valuable thing she had, her old car, was demolished along with her. It was like she never existed! It broke my heart.

    But my 9-year-old granddaughter LOVES to go through that jewelry box and put on Leslie's things. She thinks those little baubles are beautiful and she loves to look at the photo I keep up of my sister from high school, and she thinks that she is beautiful, too. She never met Leslie and yet she talks about her and thinks about her, and somehow her reaction to that jewelry box has made it possible for me to let go of some of the sadness about such a waste.

    I think my little grandaughter and I will have to make some Christmas ornaments next fall! Thank you for such a good idea!
  • Cindy Bear
    Cindy Bear Member Posts: 569
    #6
    Thanks
    That is a great idea Zahalene. I love it. My mother did leave some costume jewelry . Also lots of rosaries. She was very religious and she donated to several different programs over the years and she got alot of free rosaries. I guess you could say praying was her hobby.
    My sister packed up all of her clothes and donated them to Goodwill. It was the hardest thing she ever did. But we haven't done anything with her jewelry or cookbooks. She loved to cook and bake. I so love your clever idea. I'm not very crafty though. I'd probably end up supergluing my thumb to my forehead. LOL
    I have been journalling lately . Just writing down thoughts.. sad, agnry, happy.. It has been therapeutic for me. I will continue to do that..
    Linda, I am so sorry to hear of your sister's tragic death. It just tells me how strong and courageous you are. To go through something like that and still be a fighter. This is amazing.
  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    #7
    Cindy Bear said:

    Thanks
    That is a great idea Zahalene. I love it. My mother did leave some costume jewelry . Also lots of rosaries. She was very religious and she donated to several different programs over the years and she got alot of free rosaries. I guess you could say praying was her hobby.
    My sister packed up all of her clothes and donated them to Goodwill. It was the hardest thing she ever did. But we haven't done anything with her jewelry or cookbooks. She loved to cook and bake. I so love your clever idea. I'm not very crafty though. I'd probably end up supergluing my thumb to my forehead. LOL
    I have been journalling lately . Just writing down thoughts.. sad, agnry, happy.. It has been therapeutic for me. I will continue to do that..
    Linda, I am so sorry to hear of your sister's tragic death. It just tells me how strong and courageous you are. To go through something like that and still be a fighter. This is amazing.

    What a treasure...
    those cook books are! You could edit them into a cookbook in memory of your mom. Especially if there are recipes in her hand writing! Photo copies of her personal notes....any information you have about the history or anecdotes about any specific recipe....such as 'this is one Mom always took to church suppers'. Boy oh boy...the possibilities are endless! And I am sure friends and family will have a wealth of memories to share about dishes and meals prepared by your mom. It could all be done on computer...no 'craftiness' required. Just a thought. You will find what works best for you. God bless.

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