oh please help me

maglets
maglets Member Posts: 2,576 Member
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
ok so on thursday of this week coming I have onc and CEA results. In the meantime I am freaking, in pain, completely overwhelmed with cancer. My left breast is bothering me so that's breast cancer, my left shoulder is sore so that is bone cancer, my stomach is upset and i have reflux so that is esophogeal..{SP} cancer.....and on and on.....can't sleep, can't tell hubby,,,and it's my birthday and friends are having a party this afternoon and I don't want to go and smile and be the happy birthday girl

scan xiety....I want to take 3 ativan and crawl into bed.....why am I so afraid and freaked
flippin cancer....you got me in you grips...still

sorry...vent day for me I guess...any hints????

mags
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Comments

  • coloCan
    coloCan Member Posts: 1,944 Member
    Mags!!!After all you've been thru already
    how can you let the thought of a painless scan affect you so much? You know the results will be good and the test won't leave you with chemo-like side effects. I haven't been here long enough to worry about scan results yet but I will soon enough so I don't know how I'll really react. I'm sure the sight from your windows is snow all around, which for some reason would cheer me up (no snow by me yet)might cheer you up too, in a way, unless you're sick of all the snow. if its your birthday, do as you see fit cos now every birthday seems xtra special (had my own first birthday since Dx and life-changing surgery this past Sept)Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAGS and don't worry about your upcoming scan.....Steve
  • maglets
    maglets Member Posts: 2,576 Member
    coloCan said:

    Mags!!!After all you've been thru already
    how can you let the thought of a painless scan affect you so much? You know the results will be good and the test won't leave you with chemo-like side effects. I haven't been here long enough to worry about scan results yet but I will soon enough so I don't know how I'll really react. I'm sure the sight from your windows is snow all around, which for some reason would cheer me up (no snow by me yet)might cheer you up too, in a way, unless you're sick of all the snow. if its your birthday, do as you see fit cos now every birthday seems xtra special (had my own first birthday since Dx and life-changing surgery this past Sept)Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAGS and don't worry about your upcoming scan.....Steve

    thank you Steve
    thank you sweetie: maybe because there already has been so much pain, i can't face more. Maybe I am just losing it...you know when you are not actively in treatment I find friends just don't realize the constant underlying stress of the beast.

    thanks steve, mags
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    I got angry.....
    Nothing, and no one, will screw up MY life...INCLUDING cancer!!!

    At one point, I was taking so much Vicodin that my onc was worried about me becoming an abuser, from all the pain.

    Ask to be referred to a pain clinic...they can help. Whatever you do, DO NOT be a pain hero....it takes away from the recovery to normal that you WILL experience!!!

    'Canceritis' is very normal...lol...I still, 5 years later, have a thought or two when I have something wierd physically happen...and, remember, I have had 2 primary cancers...stage III rectal followed by stage II breast...I just KNOW I'm dying....rofl!

    I am sending BIG, WARM, FUZZY hugs, my dear soul....

    But, again, the most effective thing for me was an attitude of cancer will NOT be permitted to steal my life, or my living!!!!

    Hugs, Kathi
  • lcarper2
    lcarper2 Member Posts: 635 Member
    think of how far you have come
    I am battling colon cancer 1/2 way into chemo and bald and feel like crap but you know what gets me through all this is my faith in God I know he has healed me and I know he has healed you. We are only here on this mortal earth for as long as he wants us here and believe me if you have gotten through any cancer at all and you are able to write this blog you are better off than if you had died. I don't know what you had or have but if you give into it you will be playing into the devils hand you have to claim victory in Jesus and claim the healing of the Lord. Satan is not going to get me girlfriend I'll fight him all the way and come out a victor. When you are in pain ask god to take it from you. No one ever said it was easy to get through any cancer but if you change your attitude to I am not going to give into this you will feel better try it each day and see if you don't get to felling better. I will pray for you and wish you all the luck in the world and HAPPY BIRTHDAY....
  • maglets
    maglets Member Posts: 2,576 Member
    KathiM said:

    I got angry.....
    Nothing, and no one, will screw up MY life...INCLUDING cancer!!!

    At one point, I was taking so much Vicodin that my onc was worried about me becoming an abuser, from all the pain.

    Ask to be referred to a pain clinic...they can help. Whatever you do, DO NOT be a pain hero....it takes away from the recovery to normal that you WILL experience!!!

    'Canceritis' is very normal...lol...I still, 5 years later, have a thought or two when I have something wierd physically happen...and, remember, I have had 2 primary cancers...stage III rectal followed by stage II breast...I just KNOW I'm dying....rofl!

    I am sending BIG, WARM, FUZZY hugs, my dear soul....

    But, again, the most effective thing for me was an attitude of cancer will NOT be permitted to steal my life, or my living!!!!

    Hugs, Kathi

    thanks kathi
    ok I am repeating that to myself....cancer will NOT steal my living.

    I am putting on mascara for the party and my hands are shaking so much i look like a clown
    lolol
    mags
  • Shayenne
    Shayenne Member Posts: 2,342
    lcarper2 said:

    think of how far you have come
    I am battling colon cancer 1/2 way into chemo and bald and feel like crap but you know what gets me through all this is my faith in God I know he has healed me and I know he has healed you. We are only here on this mortal earth for as long as he wants us here and believe me if you have gotten through any cancer at all and you are able to write this blog you are better off than if you had died. I don't know what you had or have but if you give into it you will be playing into the devils hand you have to claim victory in Jesus and claim the healing of the Lord. Satan is not going to get me girlfriend I'll fight him all the way and come out a victor. When you are in pain ask god to take it from you. No one ever said it was easy to get through any cancer but if you change your attitude to I am not going to give into this you will feel better try it each day and see if you don't get to felling better. I will pray for you and wish you all the luck in the world and HAPPY BIRTHDAY....

    Happy Birthday Mags!
    I hope you have a great birthday. To tell you honestly, when I was even diagnosed with cancer, I wasn't in any pain, so any aches and pains you feel, don't even always associate with cancer, it's just the body aches from being tired, (especially when you're doing too much and not getting any rest that the body needs), so, you don't have to be in pain to have cancer, you've done so well this far into your battle, that you will still do well with your test. If you have to take pills, take them! they help, I take ativan, if that calms you down before a test, I'd take it. I actually even wait on my results to see the doctor, since I'm never in a rush to see how it came out, I figure no news is good news, and they'd call if they found something more.

    I wish I was there to give you a hug, and can't say don't worry, because you will anyway, but I'll say it anyway.... don't worry too much ;)

    Lots of prayers and positive energy coming your way, you're doing really well! have fun with friends, they sure will take your mind off everything!

    Hugsss!
    ~Donna
  • maglets
    maglets Member Posts: 2,576 Member
    Shayenne said:

    Happy Birthday Mags!
    I hope you have a great birthday. To tell you honestly, when I was even diagnosed with cancer, I wasn't in any pain, so any aches and pains you feel, don't even always associate with cancer, it's just the body aches from being tired, (especially when you're doing too much and not getting any rest that the body needs), so, you don't have to be in pain to have cancer, you've done so well this far into your battle, that you will still do well with your test. If you have to take pills, take them! they help, I take ativan, if that calms you down before a test, I'd take it. I actually even wait on my results to see the doctor, since I'm never in a rush to see how it came out, I figure no news is good news, and they'd call if they found something more.

    I wish I was there to give you a hug, and can't say don't worry, because you will anyway, but I'll say it anyway.... don't worry too much ;)

    Lots of prayers and positive energy coming your way, you're doing really well! have fun with friends, they sure will take your mind off everything!

    Hugsss!
    ~Donna

    thanks darlin girl
    Donna no one could have been through more than you have this year....you a one tough little cookie.

    I know I am too...sometimes waiting is the worst...I've always been a fan of marching. You are right my friends will cheer me up and I am going to have that glass of white wine and stop the whine....thanks Donna

    best to you
    mags
  • maglets
    maglets Member Posts: 2,576 Member
    lcarper2 said:

    think of how far you have come
    I am battling colon cancer 1/2 way into chemo and bald and feel like crap but you know what gets me through all this is my faith in God I know he has healed me and I know he has healed you. We are only here on this mortal earth for as long as he wants us here and believe me if you have gotten through any cancer at all and you are able to write this blog you are better off than if you had died. I don't know what you had or have but if you give into it you will be playing into the devils hand you have to claim victory in Jesus and claim the healing of the Lord. Satan is not going to get me girlfriend I'll fight him all the way and come out a victor. When you are in pain ask god to take it from you. No one ever said it was easy to get through any cancer but if you change your attitude to I am not going to give into this you will feel better try it each day and see if you don't get to felling better. I will pray for you and wish you all the luck in the world and HAPPY BIRTHDAY....

    thank you so much
    thank you carper2

    and hang in there yourself

    mags
  • SandyL
    SandyL Member Posts: 218
    maglets said:

    thank you so much
    thank you carper2

    and hang in there yourself

    mags

    Aww, Mags
    I feel so bad for you-dang birthdays and parties ..... and to know that you have to go is the pits. Sure hope that the party makes you feel somewhat better then you can go home and snuggle up in bed. Sure hope that your pain subsides. Isn't it awful that every little quirk we have now it's assumed that it will be cancer. So sorry you're in the doldrums and in pain.
    Sandy
  • SandyL
    SandyL Member Posts: 218
    maglets said:

    thank you so much
    thank you carper2

    and hang in there yourself

    mags

    by the way.
    Happy Birthday to you.
  • AnneCan
    AnneCan Member Posts: 3,673 Member
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAGS!
    I hope you have a wonderful day. Sometimes getting out & with people actually takes my mind off cancer, any pain, etc. I hope this is the case for you today. I think anxiety is normal; I actually don't get too nervous for the scans themselves, it's the results appointment tht bothers me. I hope you have great results & your aches and pains disappear!
  • KATE58
    KATE58 Member Posts: 299
    AnneCan said:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAGS!
    I hope you have a wonderful day. Sometimes getting out & with people actually takes my mind off cancer, any pain, etc. I hope this is the case for you today. I think anxiety is normal; I actually don't get too nervous for the scans themselves, it's the results appointment tht bothers me. I hope you have great results & your aches and pains disappear!

    I wish there was something I
    I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.
    But HAPPY BIRTHDAY !
  • grammadebbie
    grammadebbie Member Posts: 464
    maglets said:

    thank you Steve
    thank you sweetie: maybe because there already has been so much pain, i can't face more. Maybe I am just losing it...you know when you are not actively in treatment I find friends just don't realize the constant underlying stress of the beast.

    thanks steve, mags

    Happy Birthday
    Dearest Mags,

    I'm so sorry that you are going thru all of this. It seems that no matter how hard we try, that old anxiety sneaks in. I know it was hard for me when I completed chemo. Of course I was thrilled but I also missed all the nurses and camaraderie with other patients. I guess when I was in treatment I felt like I was actively participating in fighting cancer. I had a wonderful support system at my chemo center and it was a great place to be around people who truly understand. I'm so thankful that I found this wonderful forum. I think the fear of having to go thru all the pain again is something we all face. I am so thankful to be here and yet I miss who I used to be. I don't have clarity in my thoughts. I can't tell you how many posts I try to respond to and when I read them back they don't make any sense so I erase them. I'm not going to erase this even though it's all over the place. The main thing I'm trying to say is that I understand. You are a wonderful, amazing person that has fought this monster with grace, dignity, humor, tenacity etc. You keep it up and if you have some down days, just remember all you have endured and accomplished. You are a blessing to me and I appreciate your honesty and heartfelt contributions to this precious family of ours. Big Hugs to you and have a happy birthday. You're in my prayers

    Blessing to you,

    Debbie (gramma)
  • fringetree
    fringetree Member Posts: 65
    KATE58 said:

    I wish there was something I
    I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.
    But HAPPY BIRTHDAY !

    Mags,
    I'm sorry you are having such a stressful weekend.I hope your party (and your glass of wine!) helped take your mind off of things. If not, take three ativan and crawl into bed! If nothing else, it sounds like you have friends who love you, even if they don't always "get it".

    Wishing you great news on Thursday!
  • Kathryn_in_MN
    Kathryn_in_MN Member Posts: 1,252 Member
    Happy birthday!
    I hope getting out with your friends takes your mind away from the test worries and you have some fun. I think that is the best cure for worrying - do something to take your mind off of it.

    (I have my big day Thursday too - PET on Tuesday, and results on Thursday, so I know what you are going through. Hopefully I will know if I am stage III or if it really is IV next week. I don't normally take my Ativan, but I think I will this week!)

    Sending you a big birthday hug! (And go ahead and take your Ativan at bedtime if you need it.)
  • maglets
    maglets Member Posts: 2,576 Member

    Happy birthday!
    I hope getting out with your friends takes your mind away from the test worries and you have some fun. I think that is the best cure for worrying - do something to take your mind off of it.

    (I have my big day Thursday too - PET on Tuesday, and results on Thursday, so I know what you are going through. Hopefully I will know if I am stage III or if it really is IV next week. I don't normally take my Ativan, but I think I will this week!)

    Sending you a big birthday hug! (And go ahead and take your Ativan at bedtime if you need it.)

    thank you my darlings
    ok I had two glasses of wine and I do feel better....honestly I would never complain except to this family...I know you know when no one else knows

    please hold onto my hand this week

    hugs to you all

    mags
  • AnneCan
    AnneCan Member Posts: 3,673 Member
    maglets said:

    thank you my darlings
    ok I had two glasses of wine and I do feel better....honestly I would never complain except to this family...I know you know when no one else knows

    please hold onto my hand this week

    hugs to you all

    mags

    You've got it! I hope you
    You've got it! I hope you enjoyed your party! Two glasses of wine sounds very nice!
  • lisa42
    lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625 Member
    scanxiety
    Mags and Kathryn,

    You both have been through so much! I believe you'll both be okay & I'll be thinking of and praying for you both as you get your scans this week and await results.
    Mags- Keep repeating to yourself what Kathi said- forcing yourself to say the brave words even when you don't feel it is really a step towards believing what you're saying! I just said a prayer that you can relax and enjoy your birthday- happy birthday!!

    I'm sure you've heard this so much, but attitude is such a huge thing in conquering this beast! I've done what you have too. I've had so much pain in my lower spine that I had myself convinced that the cancer went to my bones there. Even after a bone scan showed that it was "just" slight degenerative disease (arthritis), the fear that it's really cancer does creep into my mind every now and then. I will not let this disease win and will not let it take over my mind! I wish and pray the same thoughts for you.

    Hugs,
    Lisa
  • maglets
    maglets Member Posts: 2,576 Member

    Happy Birthday
    Dearest Mags,

    I'm so sorry that you are going thru all of this. It seems that no matter how hard we try, that old anxiety sneaks in. I know it was hard for me when I completed chemo. Of course I was thrilled but I also missed all the nurses and camaraderie with other patients. I guess when I was in treatment I felt like I was actively participating in fighting cancer. I had a wonderful support system at my chemo center and it was a great place to be around people who truly understand. I'm so thankful that I found this wonderful forum. I think the fear of having to go thru all the pain again is something we all face. I am so thankful to be here and yet I miss who I used to be. I don't have clarity in my thoughts. I can't tell you how many posts I try to respond to and when I read them back they don't make any sense so I erase them. I'm not going to erase this even though it's all over the place. The main thing I'm trying to say is that I understand. You are a wonderful, amazing person that has fought this monster with grace, dignity, humor, tenacity etc. You keep it up and if you have some down days, just remember all you have endured and accomplished. You are a blessing to me and I appreciate your honesty and heartfelt contributions to this precious family of ours. Big Hugs to you and have a happy birthday. You're in my prayers

    Blessing to you,

    Debbie (gramma)

    Debbie
    thank you Debbie...that is a most generous post////yes all over the place...and yes when you are in treatment there is a certain order and care that is so comforting....when that is gone one feels liberated but sort of reeling too...yup I have done the write the post, read and erase it more times than I like to think

    understand that is good


    hugs mags
  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,742 Member
    So Very Sorry
    I didn't realize that you were going through all of this and I am so sorry that you have to deal with all this pain. Can you not get anything from your doctors to help you with this pain? I know you probably don't want to go anywhere after what you are expressing in pain, but I hope you can get some relief and try to enjoy yourself somewhat. Just don't stay very long, and politely excuse yourself. Others will surely understand because of what you have been through. Happy Birthday to you and I hope you feel better. I'll thinking about you with your upcoming tests.

    Kim