nonsupportive husband

You have to say "This can't be about YOU."
Spoiled husbands and boyfriends are usually 'monsters of our own creation', at least mine is. I've always loved waiting on him and babying him. I know you've probably told your husband/boyfriend that you need to switch priorities for a little while, but it doesn't sound like he's hearing you.

My husband has always been a bit of a hypochondriac, and has studied his imagined 'symptoms' in the Merck Manual so many times over the decades that, when I got my diagnosis, he ALREADY knew all the new 'cancer words' I had never heard before. He already knew exactly what neuropathy was, what papillary serous cells were, all kinds of stuff, because he's always thought he had some horrible disease, even though he is always deemed 'healthy as a horse' when examined.

Anyway, because he has always been the eternal pessimist, and is prone to anxiety and worrying, from the very start of my cancer journey I told him "This has got to be about ME now; I can't be worrying about how you are handling this; you have to be the strong one now." And he's really come through for me. I know he is suffering with worry and anxiety about me, and sleepless so many many nights. But he maintains the 'brave face', breaking down only when I do, but has been there for me in a way neither one of us ever thought he'd be capable of. I feel selfish for insisting that it be this way, but I just couldn't be babying him just now. I needed to be the one babied while I am in treatment. I'm really proud and appreciative of him because he's been wonderful. We have always been very close, but this has brought us even closer.

bonniesue said:

nonsupport of husband
Yes, she has pleaded with him to be here for her and he in turn says I do not feel good which precipitates a multitude of doctors appointments for him of which everything all turns out to be negative. He then gets a pat on the shoulder by his physicians who sympathize that he has been through so much. When she is at doctors appointments -- I take her to becuz when he goes he is still complaining about himself to HER physicians. She has always been so kind and thoughtful. I am out of patience with him because it is survivors who need the empathy, compassion and healing presence and his behaviour has been counter productive. I think physicians need to set some of these husbands down and have little talk with them. thanks for hearing me out because I am aggravated --what is right is right.He also has to tell everything that needs to be done around the house......

It's a shame
I feel sorry for you. He sounds very selfish - sorry for my candor!!

My husband has been the opposite - God bless him. He is also a cancer survivor - (now I prefer the word "thriver" to "survivor") and he has beaten me hands down in the nursing department. When I got sick, I so appreciated all his help and consideration which he has continued - he was NOT like this before. One thing I specifically requested though, was that he leave his work at work and he has really worked hard at this. He is very solicitous - always asking how I am and going out of his way to be nice, helpful, and clean up after himself (he rarely did this before) - he even cleans the house each week - again, all new behavior. It's great!! I wish you had this treatment.

You might use what I call the assertive communication formula to let him know how you feel. Here's an example: (always start with "I" and speak calmly) I'm ....disappointed (feeling word)...(about what)that you do not seem interested in supporting my mother (and me!!!)during this rough time ...(because)because she has always been so kind and thoughtful to you and because I could use your help and support too. I hope that you will reach out to mom and be supportive and helpful at this time. ..... or something to that effect.

I'd put it right out there and tell him what you want and expect from him!! It doesn't sound like it could get worse and it might even get better. Maybe my husband could have a few words with him.

Best wishes. Mary Ann aka Daisy

nonsupportive husband
Such good advice. I can't add much except to say that my husband really "checked out on me" when I went in for my surgery a week after the diagnosis. I am so lucky because my sister and girlfriends and daughter all checked in for me. In his case, he didn't see it. He crashed out of fear and denial and also made it about himself. I used the same words in a difficult confrontation others have used, "This is about me right now, I need you."
He is an amazing husband and he did come through for me but, I needed to be very selfish and focused. I needed to know that even if he didn't come through for me (and I can only imagine how hard that would be) I would still come through for myself. I don't know your husband (father) and am not a therapist but I would guess that this is either a fear/denial response or this is just a pattern of behavior that has always been there and in a crisis becomes even larger. I 'm not making excuses. Be clear about what you need. if necessary try a third party. Be hopeful that they can change but in the end you have to be there for yourself-., Reddy, I am so glad you could share your feelings with your dad. You sound like a beautiful young woman. The hospital social workers often are good sources of support. Bonnie, feel free to vent Here.
Barb