My Mom Used to Say....

usakat
usakat Member Posts: 610 Member
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
...If you cannot say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary = Decorum - de-co-rum, noun 1: literary and dramatic propriety: FITNESS 2: propriety and good taste in conduct or appearance 3: ORDERLINESS 4pl: the conventions of polite behavior.

Thesaurus.com = Decorum synonyms: civility, conduct, demeanor, dignity, etiquette, form, habits, POLITENESS, respectability, tact.... Antonyms: bad behavior, bad manners, impoliteness, rudeness.....

Be Nice

I have been absent from the board for a month or two for various reasons, occasionally lurking. I recently returned from Key West where I vacationed with my dear husband - we celebrated Bob’s Change of Command and our second anniversary, and we said our goodbyes as he recently deployed for a couple of months of sea duty. I have returned home to finalize our move, staying busy with business, family and medical stuff, but then again, I also stayed away because things got a bit strained here at CSN on our beloved Colon board. Seemed like the vibe kind of changed…it might be just me, but things seemed to have gotten heated and cliquish. It made me sad since ACS, CSN and it's moderators, and most importantly, this colon board and it’s members have meant so much to me during my cancer battle and because I met my husband here. There is so much about this organization and this site for which I will be eternally grateful, especially my husband and the friends I’ve met here. (BTW: Yesterday was three years since D-Day – the day I was diagnosed with Stage III Colon Cancer)

Anyway, recently, in the last few days, a few posts - new threads and replies - have been made or brought back to the top that seemed to inspire less than our best responses. While I firmly believe, and I will argue ‘til my last breath, that people should say what they want to say. Yes, I support FREE SPEECH! But...sometimes it's not what someone says, but how they say it that gets folks wrapped around the axle...think about it…

This is a public and open forum, so people should be welcome to bring up any subject they wish, be it cancer, chemo, side effects, family, politics, religion, love or anything else that rises up in their minds and their hearts and flows through their fingertips. It would be my wish that people could post to their heart’s content and not worry about a disrespectful cyber-reproach. I am loath to read posts that suggest we should not include discussions about any subject – censure and censored speech is a nasty suggestion on an open forum. In my view, this is a disturbing trend in our culture, where people want to suppress other people's speech, even their thoughts, if it doesn't agree with their own personal view, opinion, belief system, etc. We see it almost every day on the news - heck, just watch an episode of The View. It's political correctness run amok. This is the AMERICAN Cancer Society darn it!

While open and forthright discussion should be acceptable, we must acknowledge that we should be careful not to let our messages get lost in our methods, meaning we need to be thoughtful in how we say what we want to say. And when responding to someone else's posts, it is okay to disagree, but it's not okay to be disagreeable and/or disrespectful. If you don't like the subject of a thread, you are more than welcome to leave it alone...you need not participate, you need not reply. However, if you do feel compelled to respond, be nice about it! Nearly all the members here are not the dragons that should be slayed...it's the #*FREE HUGS!
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Comments

  • StacyGleaso
    StacyGleaso Member Posts: 1,233 Member
    LMAO
    Am I the only person who thinks it's funny that nobody is posting anything to this?!?!? lol

    Does this mean nobody is capable of saying anything "nice"?

    Also, you had AMERICAN in caps.....we must realize that it is NOT restricted to JUST the United States (Go Canada!)

    Ok, no more coffee for me! lol

    Happy Tuesday!

    Stacy
  • VickiCO
    VickiCO Member Posts: 917
    Katie
    Thanks,

    Congrats on having a great time with SpongeBob. I kmow how much you must miss him.

    My own over-the-top response to the posting was not to banish any topic, but to stop the arguing. I had a very bad round 2 chemo experience last month, to the point the docs wanted me to quit. I am not a quitter, so yesterday I started round 3. I was anxious, as you can imagine, but with the reduced rate and new drugs (I love Emend!) I made it through day 1 and am still upright! Last month, I went down the first day.

    Anyway, all I wanted was support, not negativity. I have a new attitude today, and I even have embraced the new fuzz growing on top of my head. In another post, I likened it to a Chia pet! Do I have to water it daily?

    Here's something nice - I get to spend time with my daughter and grandsons today. that makes me happier than anything. They even go to chemo with me (the kids stay in the family area, not the chemo room) They are my light, life and support.

    Happy Thoughts! Vicki
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    New Forum
    Check this forum out people, a place to discuss religion and faith.
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member

    LMAO
    Am I the only person who thinks it's funny that nobody is posting anything to this?!?!? lol

    Does this mean nobody is capable of saying anything "nice"?

    Also, you had AMERICAN in caps.....we must realize that it is NOT restricted to JUST the United States (Go Canada!)

    Ok, no more coffee for me! lol

    Happy Tuesday!

    Stacy

    LMAOToo
    Sorry, American's only, Republicans preferred. Others need not get cancer
    ;-)


    Check this forum out people, a place to discuss religion and faith.
  • kimby
    kimby Member Posts: 797
    PhillieG said:

    LMAOToo
    Sorry, American's only, Republicans preferred. Others need not get cancer
    ;-)


    Check this forum out people, a place to discuss religion and faith.

    Enough
    Now you're just being rude.
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    kimby said:

    Enough
    Now you're just being rude.

    Ok
    Democrats can come too...
  • wesparris
    wesparris Member Posts: 11
    PhillieG said:

    New Forum
    Check this forum out people, a place to discuss religion and faith.

    Intolerance
    Phillieg,

    Why don't you post all your rules for what folks can and can't talk about here - and all the groups of people that you would prefer not frequent this site. Then a plethora of separate sites can be set up by ACS for people that are different than you and have different views than you have....so let's see Republicans with cancer, Democrats with cancer, religious folks with cancer, non religious folks with cancer, politically correct folks with cancer - and all sort of other interests groups with cancer. This way you will not have to associate with those people that have different perspectives than you or be subjected to having to read their posts that contain perspectives that are different from the ones that you hold. Perhaps a site can be started that would include tolerant people with cancer, those that are interested in being with, hearing from, and providing support to all types of people.

    I could not believe the venom subjected to that poor soul that had the audacity to to post about seeking to find a soul mate on this site that is comfortable with her health issues. Why be so intolerant of this person...how/why does her post offend you so? How does it so negatively impact your experience on this site? Why is there such a desire to control others perspectives here, just because those perspectives may be different than your own?

    Let's turn down the vitriol and be tolerant of the natural healthy differences that exist among all human beings.
  • usakat
    usakat Member Posts: 610 Member
    PhillieG said:

    New Forum
    Check this forum out people, a place to discuss religion and faith.

    I'm confused...
    I hope this does NOT mean, or suggest, that people are are not free to talk about the role of faith in their personal COLON cancer experience on this COLON CANCER board. We would never suggest that people not speak of their relationships with their wife or their husband, their children, their great-aunt Hazel who died of colon cancer, their friends, their neighbors, their doctors, their hair stylist...... Why then would we suggest that people should not speak of their relationship with their faith and their god?

    I don't believe the terms and conditions of this message board suggest that talk/topics of religion or faith is not allowed on any particular forum. I do believe however, that the terms and conditions of this message board indeed suggest tolerance - " A User shall not post, provide or otherwise make available any material of any sort...that: ...(g) promotes bigotry, racism or hatred,...."

    Again, if someone does not like the subject raised on a thread, they can IGNORE it! There have been topics on Avastin here that I have not participated in because I have no experience with Avastin and I cannot reasonably contribute anything meaningful to the thread. Why can't people do the same with topics on other subjects, like religion...or others....

    While I think the new forum is great, I hope that those affected by colon cancer and who have deep faith and spirituality will still come here to post freely...on any subject.

    Remember the FIRST AMENDMENT OF THE U. S. CONSTITUTION - THE BILL OF RIGHTS.... Our founding fathers were smart people...

    I am not a particularly religious person, spiritual yes - I am not involved in any organized religion - so the point of my post here is not personal with respect to religion. I believe this is one of those slippery slopes...at the point we start saying no to one topic, we then open the flood gate to say no to other topics as well, and this will then no longer be an open forum that is welcoming and open to all people. If you take away your neighbor's right to paint his house pink, you give your neighbor the right to object to your house being blue. The point here? Maybe the next objectionable topic might be music...some people hate jazz...

    "The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen." ~Tommy Smothers
  • 2bhealed
    2bhealed Member Posts: 2,064 Member
    PhillieG said:

    Ok
    Democrats can come too...

    Hey!
    Don't forget the Libertarians! We wanna come too!


    Katie, since you've been on here for quite some time, haven't you noticed there's always a cycle....new members, love-in, adjustment period, controversy, packing bags and leaving, reconciliation, dust-settling, new members, love-in, yada yada yada.

    Looking forward to Key West, baby! WooHoo!

    peace, emily
  • 2bhealed
    2bhealed Member Posts: 2,064 Member
    usakat said:

    I'm confused...
    I hope this does NOT mean, or suggest, that people are are not free to talk about the role of faith in their personal COLON cancer experience on this COLON CANCER board. We would never suggest that people not speak of their relationships with their wife or their husband, their children, their great-aunt Hazel who died of colon cancer, their friends, their neighbors, their doctors, their hair stylist...... Why then would we suggest that people should not speak of their relationship with their faith and their god?

    I don't believe the terms and conditions of this message board suggest that talk/topics of religion or faith is not allowed on any particular forum. I do believe however, that the terms and conditions of this message board indeed suggest tolerance - " A User shall not post, provide or otherwise make available any material of any sort...that: ...(g) promotes bigotry, racism or hatred,...."

    Again, if someone does not like the subject raised on a thread, they can IGNORE it! There have been topics on Avastin here that I have not participated in because I have no experience with Avastin and I cannot reasonably contribute anything meaningful to the thread. Why can't people do the same with topics on other subjects, like religion...or others....

    While I think the new forum is great, I hope that those affected by colon cancer and who have deep faith and spirituality will still come here to post freely...on any subject.

    Remember the FIRST AMENDMENT OF THE U. S. CONSTITUTION - THE BILL OF RIGHTS.... Our founding fathers were smart people...

    I am not a particularly religious person, spiritual yes - I am not involved in any organized religion - so the point of my post here is not personal with respect to religion. I believe this is one of those slippery slopes...at the point we start saying no to one topic, we then open the flood gate to say no to other topics as well, and this will then no longer be an open forum that is welcoming and open to all people. If you take away your neighbor's right to paint his house pink, you give your neighbor the right to object to your house being blue. The point here? Maybe the next objectionable topic might be music...some people hate jazz...

    "The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen." ~Tommy Smothers

    Good Point
    Jazz = so-so ; Country = ugh. Rap = the worst. I see what you mean. This could be the next controversy.

    Smothers Brothers = hilarious.

    Friends on the boards = priceless.

    peace, emily
  • This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    wesparris said:

    Intolerance
    Phillieg,

    Why don't you post all your rules for what folks can and can't talk about here - and all the groups of people that you would prefer not frequent this site. Then a plethora of separate sites can be set up by ACS for people that are different than you and have different views than you have....so let's see Republicans with cancer, Democrats with cancer, religious folks with cancer, non religious folks with cancer, politically correct folks with cancer - and all sort of other interests groups with cancer. This way you will not have to associate with those people that have different perspectives than you or be subjected to having to read their posts that contain perspectives that are different from the ones that you hold. Perhaps a site can be started that would include tolerant people with cancer, those that are interested in being with, hearing from, and providing support to all types of people.

    I could not believe the venom subjected to that poor soul that had the audacity to to post about seeking to find a soul mate on this site that is comfortable with her health issues. Why be so intolerant of this person...how/why does her post offend you so? How does it so negatively impact your experience on this site? Why is there such a desire to control others perspectives here, just because those perspectives may be different than your own?

    Let's turn down the vitriol and be tolerant of the natural healthy differences that exist among all human beings.

    I like your idea wes, you'll get the first copy.
  • usakat
    usakat Member Posts: 610 Member
    2bhealed said:

    Hey!
    Don't forget the Libertarians! We wanna come too!


    Katie, since you've been on here for quite some time, haven't you noticed there's always a cycle....new members, love-in, adjustment period, controversy, packing bags and leaving, reconciliation, dust-settling, new members, love-in, yada yada yada.

    Looking forward to Key West, baby! WooHoo!

    peace, emily

    Right on, Sister!!!
    I'm so glad you'll be coming to CP-KW! Bob and I will look forward to seeing you and the rest of the clan. And it's OPEN to everyone!

    Yeah, you're right, we're in some kind of strange cycle here. Just goes to show that to everything there is a season...oops...Bible quote (no, it wasn't the Byrds who came up with that one). Break out the tar and feathers - I prefer soft blue or black feathers...I don't look good in yellow.

    "The thought police would get him just the same. He had committed--would have committed, even if he had never set pen to paper--the essential crime that contained all others in itself. Thoughtcrime, they called it. Thoughtcrime was not a thing that could be concealed forever. You might dodge successfully for a while, even for years, but sooner or later they were bound to get you."
    - George Orwell, 1984, Book 1, Chapter 1
  • usakat
    usakat Member Posts: 610 Member
    unknown said:

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator

    Thanks, Babs!!!
    Hmmm, you always seem to "get" me. You seem to understand and appreciate my deep gratitude for the old ways... I appreciate that! It's good to see you here - I was beginning to feel a little like I was hanging off the edge of reason. Thanks for the tug back up to solid ground :)
  • kimby
    kimby Member Posts: 797
    usakat said:

    Thanks, Babs!!!
    Hmmm, you always seem to "get" me. You seem to understand and appreciate my deep gratitude for the old ways... I appreciate that! It's good to see you here - I was beginning to feel a little like I was hanging off the edge of reason. Thanks for the tug back up to solid ground :)

    Nope, you weren't over the edge. I'm sorry I didn't come to your rescue - I was trying to let things die down. No luck with that!

    I 'get' you, too. You should be proud of your contribution to this board and to all of our lives. Welcome back to land!

    Hugs,

    Kimby
  • NWGirl
    NWGirl Member Posts: 122 Member
    My Mother Used to Say
    I just can't get past thinking about how much I'm turning into my mother.....yikes.
  • usakat said:

    Thanks, Babs!!!
    Hmmm, you always seem to "get" me. You seem to understand and appreciate my deep gratitude for the old ways... I appreciate that! It's good to see you here - I was beginning to feel a little like I was hanging off the edge of reason. Thanks for the tug back up to solid ground :)

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • tkd3g
    tkd3g Member Posts: 767
    NWGirl said:

    My Mother Used to Say
    I just can't get past thinking about how much I'm turning into my mother.....yikes.

    Peace - Love - Happiness -
    Peace - Love - Happiness - Flower Power - Sunshine - Beaches - Morning Rainbows - Babies Gentle Smile - Sunrises

    I love you, Man.

    :)
  • Shayenne
    Shayenne Member Posts: 2,342
    tkd3g said:

    Peace - Love - Happiness -
    Peace - Love - Happiness - Flower Power - Sunshine - Beaches - Morning Rainbows - Babies Gentle Smile - Sunrises

    I love you, Man.

    :)

    That...
    ....was groovily said, man!

    Hugssss!
    ~Donna
  • Hatshepsut
    Hatshepsut Member Posts: 336 Member
    Shayenne said:

    That...
    ....was groovily said, man!

    Hugssss!
    ~Donna

    A Different Perspective and a Modest Proposal
    Thank you for your posts. I, too, think dissent and discussion are good things; both stimulate the growth of brain cells! (They probably help build our immunity, too.)

    On the other hand, and I mean this respectfully, I think too many people are arguing this point as if it were framed in black and white; in other words, in this discussion of theological speech on the colorectal bulletin board, it would seem that you only have two possible positions in this debate: you are for free speech or you are against free speech. I think it is more nuanced than that.

    I ask that you consider the following points.

    First, I think the origins for this battle have gotten lost somehow. This discussion did not begin as a general argument about whether people could mention that faith was part of their arsenal to fight cancer. I would venture a belief that the vast majority of people on this board would, without hesitation, defend that kind of free speech on the bulletin board.

    The truth is that this board exploded in response to two specific incidents involving posts in the public section of the colorectal bulletin board. One post involved speech that could be interpreted as arguing that "all we deserve is hell" if we don't believe in a specific deity. The second incident, this week, followed a post that seemed to argue that there is a single religious "truth." Two pretty provocative statements. (I don’t want to be accused of misquoting anyone, so I have posted the text to those two posts at the end of this letter.)

    As a second point, there is another way to look at the debate going on here that no one appears to have acknowledged. Whenever your belief system (be it religious, secular, political, or whatever) is attacked, in a free society like ours you have at least two possible paths to take. You have a right (as several here have urged) to ignore the insult and walk away. But you also have another, perhaps more honorable, option as well. You have a right to defend your views.

    While the free speech issues we face on this bulletin board pale in comparison to those confronted in the incident I am about to cite, I am, nevertheless, reminded of the classic legal anecdote involving a famous ACLU lawyer named A.L. Wirin. His organization was contacted by an infamous anti-Semitic group and asked to defend the group's right to use a school auditorium that was available for public use (they had been turned down in their application to the school district.). Although Jewish, Mr. Wirin represented the anti-Semitic group in court arguing for their rights to free speech and free assembly. He won.

    (On the night of the speech, few actually attended the speech but a sizable crowd assembled to protest what the fanatics were saying. A local newspaper published a photo of Mr. Wirin carrying one of the picket signs. In court he had defended the right of the hate group to speak but at the event itself he used his own right of free speech to implore people to reject their ideas. )

    My point? Dissent is as American as apple pie. Those who choose to exercise free speech to challenge what they believe is offensive speech are as protected by the concept of the first amendment as are those who use this board to state their views about “hell” and “truths.” And, a challenge to the content of the speech is not necessarily a challenge to the right of the speaker to speak.

    Third, there is quite a difference between what you can do and what you should do in life. I’ve only posted one other item on this subject, but I used the can/should argument in that post. (If you are interested, you can read my original post below.) Most of us operate on an ethic that requires that we treat others with the same respect and kindness we hope to receive ourselves. What you can say under the guise of free speech is not always what you should say. Something to think about!

    Finally, this is a personal plea for us to find some common ground. A famous eastern religious leader was quoted as answering a question about his religion, "My religion is kindness,” he said. Mine, too. I hope we can all look into our hearts and treat each other with more kindness beginning at this moment.

    So… I’ll go first! I don’t claim to know “the truth” and I don’t believe anything terrible will happen to you if you don’t embrace my belief system. And, most importantly, I hope you get well.

    Again, thank you for your thoughtful posts. I respect your right to disagree with me.

    Hatshepsut










    Here are the posts that are referred to in this post:




    Posted May 17, 2009 in thread titled: "God and Cancer"


    I realize that what I am about to say will not be a popular view on this site, but I feel that it is my job as a Christian to say it.

    Seems as though religion has been a huge topic on this board lately. I am always amazed at how two words could stir up so much controversy… GOD & JESUS. Anytime those words are mentioned, you can be sure to get strong reactions from both believers and non-believers. Makes you think, maybe there’s some truth to those powerful names.

    Some of you feel that religion has nothing to do with cancer. Well I tend to disagree. Some background about me: My father was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer with liver mets almost 3 ½ years ago. After six months of chemo, the cancer was completely gone. Was it the chemo or supplements that my dad took? Possibly, but keep this in mind: My father's doctor has been shocked at how well my father has done and has called my father his "Miracle Patient". I believe that ultimately, it was a combination of medicine and endless prayers by me, my family, people on this board, and countless others around the world who offered their prayers when we needed them. It was JESUS that healed my father, whether anyone wants to believe this or not. He not only healed my father physically, He healed me spiritually.

    This strong resistance to Jesus and lack of respect for Christians has really offended me personally. Why the rejection? Why is it such a taboo topic on this site? Some of you want to know what works for others in their cancer battles. Well, kids, spouses, pets, etc... those things do help a person get through a diagnosis of cancer, but what about God? When I go through a difficult time in my life, He is the first one I turn to. When my father was first diagnosed, I turned to God, and He blessed me with incredible strength. You can't convince me that God doesn't exist or that He doesn't heal. He does exist and He does heal. I bear witness to that.

    As for Christians who think that religion should not be part of a cancer board and feel that it doesn't matter who or what you believe in well, the 1st commandment clearly states: "You shall have no other gods before Me." Exodus 20:3

    There are numerous healings in the bible, for example, Matthew 8:1, Matthew 9:1, and Luke 4:38.

    If you don’t like what is being written, why not just ignore it??? Why be so offended? Why does it bother you so much? Is it because deep down inside, you know the truth? And to all you Christians...please don't be intimidated by others on this site who are attempting to keep you away.

    I couldn’t find the original threads that started this whole religion controversy. Obviously, they have struck some sensitive cords. Yes, it is very important to respect everyone and treat everyone like human beings-both Christians and non-Christians alike. I simply ask that non-believers respect Christians and our beliefs just as they want us to respect them.

    God bless,

    -Lee-

    Posted March 29, 2008 under thread titled " Hi from the Uk! 32 Year Old Liver and Lung Mets"

    Well said, Mary!
    I have 2 choices on how I can deal with this beast. I can be determined to live and ENJOY my life the best that I can, and to continue this fight as long as I can, or I can give up and whine about the lot I have been given. I've never been much of a whiner, although I do have my days! Jesus gave His life on the cross for my sins, and I owe Him nothing less in return!
    Just my thoughts.

    Better said than any preacher on TV this a.m. Without HIM, all we deserve is hell.



    Posted in thread titled "Buzzard"
    April 6, 2009 - 3:10pm
    A Statement of Conscience
    I think you are right Phillieg. I think many people don't want to speak up on the issue of religion on this board. At least in my case, I have hesitated to get into the fray on this issue. While I read this board regularly, I don't post a lot. Since my husband's diagnosis (stage 3/then stage 4), this board has been a comforting anchor for me, a place where I feel safe, where I can get honest information and where I have gotten genuine support from others. I don't want to lose my connection here. I don't want to be unwelcome when I do post.

    Carletta is right, too. It is important to stand up for your convictions.

    So, I have decided to post this and to stand up for my convictions.

    On issues of free speech, most people seem to understand that there is a difference between what you CAN say and what you SHOULD say, particularly if you profess to follow a moral code that honors kindness. And, most seem to understand that there is a profound difference between speaking or writing about the comfort one gets from religion and presuming to direct religious messages unsolicited to others. It is, in my mind, a matter of mutual respect.

    While I honor the rights of other board members to believe in whatever religion they choose (or no religion if that is what they choose), I think a line is crossed when people use this board to proselytize. I remember when my husband was in the hospital in 2007 recovering from a major colon cancer operation, an evangelical minister used to regularly walk the halls of the hospital and enter rooms uninvited to preach his beliefs. I was devastated by my husband's illness (I still am); the last thing I needed at that time was someone intruding upon our privacy to push beliefs upon us that we did not espouse. This man's intrusions made my life more difficult at a time when I didn't think that was possible.

    With that said, I can't tell you how upset it made me feel to read on this board that my husband and I (who I think are kind, gentle and good people) apparently deserve to rot in hell because we don't share the beliefs stated by a board member in a recent post. That post (and the objection of another board member to that post) seem to have started this debate that threatens to damage this board. I would be less than honest if I did not say that the startling failure of other people of faith on this board to step in and disassociate themselves from that kind of statement has been disheartening.

    Hatshepsut