How do you survive being a survivor?

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Comments

  • rjjj
    rjjj Member Posts: 1,822 Member
    JoMama54 said:

    Same feelings!
    I know exactly how you feel..............my life has gone downhill since 2000 when my husband and best friend came home and told me he wanted a divorce. Two years later met someone and a year later he moved in with me and together we remodeled my home...then he found out he had brain cancer and shot himself in my basement bathroom, left alone again. 2006 had to move in to help my elderly parents. I was up 4 to 6 time a night taking care of them and trying to work my full time insurance job............well March 2008 I had a nervous breakdown had to put my dad in the Veterans home in April, spent 2 weeks at the Primary Childrens Hospital with a 10 year old twin grandson with a brain tumor (thank god it was benign) and then June found out I had DCIS I guess that would be the icing on my black cloud. :-( Biopsy July 1 lumpectomy on my birthday July 11 and the big M on July 24 and back into surgery with problems on July 25, back to the Dr. 3 time a week cause I would not drain and another surgery on 9/11 blood clot the day after that my Mom was admitted to the Veterans home cause I couldn't take care of myself little alone her. She passed away On Jan 27, 2009 (luekemia), and I almost lost my Dad 3 weeks ago. Oh and I lost my job of 15 years with the insurance company I worked for. So the bills keep piling up and I can't remember sh@/! Hurt all over because the of oral chemo. and I really need to quit smoking!!!!!!! Sorry guys I really got carried away venting! Really when will life get back to normal.........I personally don't think it ever will. But all in all I do feel blessed! Have a good day!
    JoMama

    Jomama
    It took me a couple of days to reply. I was so heartbroken for you i didn't know what to say. But i can't not say anything. You are one of the most amazing women i have ever had the pleasure to meet. All that you have been through and you feel blessed. AMAZING!! I am praying for you tonight that this spring will bring you a rebirth of joy, peace, love and all the blessings you deserve. I admire your spirit.
    love jackie
  • Ltalcott
    Ltalcott Member Posts: 119
    bfbear said:

    Thank you Patty, Lisa, Mimivac and
    Thank you Patty, Lisa, Mimivac and all of you wonderful, courageous women for your words and the time you took to write them. I can't tell you how hard it is to write my true feelings, but I did last night, and you have made me feel hugged. I am seeing my therapist this week and I'll do my best to be honest with her about the gravity of the situation (it's hard to show vulnerability...I hate appearing weak even if I, supposedly, have a right to).
    And today I hardly answered the phone at all, and it helped. All your advice is good stuff. This is definitely a lesson in humility and making priorities. But somewhere along the line, I really have got to find a reason to live, not just make it from one day to the next...I guess.
    Thanks again to you all. I very much appreciate all the wise things you write and offer up.
    D

    Sometimes making it from day
    Sometimes making it from day to day is all anyone can do--and it's enough!

    "The good thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time." Abraham Lincoln.

    Lisa
  • Bill.S
    Bill.S Member Posts: 177
    The cyber man of your dreams
    Since you are so young, I won't ask you to marry me right away but I could care less that you had a mastectomy --- I did too---- SO WHAT ! Weight gain is no big deal either. A man needs a curvey woman to cuddle up with. No reproductive organs? GREAT I already have 2 kids and 2 grand kids.
    Lets take a walk on the beach.
    Bill S.
  • outdoorgirl
    outdoorgirl Member Posts: 1,565
    Bill.S said:

    The cyber man of your dreams
    Since you are so young, I won't ask you to marry me right away but I could care less that you had a mastectomy --- I did too---- SO WHAT ! Weight gain is no big deal either. A man needs a curvey woman to cuddle up with. No reproductive organs? GREAT I already have 2 kids and 2 grand kids.
    Lets take a walk on the beach.
    Bill S.

    Way to make someone feel good!
    Just wanted to say,that was awesome! What a way to make somebody feel good and from a man's perspective!Thanks Bill!
  • tami90650
    tami90650 Member Posts: 82
    New you
    Hay mitz,I was just reading the postings here and I too have been in your shoes. Its been two years five months since my diagnosis and my life has changed and so have I. But I made a consious decision to not let cancer define who I am, or let it consume my mind. I am a survivor and I embrace that fact. The old me is gone, but the me now is moving on, continuing my 5 year tamoxifen. Cancer is a big character builder or breaker. Which do you chose for yourself? It is a choice. Go to a breast cancer support group and see others who are still living and enjoying life. Fit in and have fun with life. Its not just us (breast cancer survivors) its the entire world from the day were born were moving towards death. So make whatever time you have left here MEANINGFUL.

    Happy Easter Ladies! The significance of this day is so we dont expire in death, we move on to be with our creator. He died for us.
  • Mitz
    Mitz Member Posts: 5
    tami90650 said:

    New you
    Hay mitz,I was just reading the postings here and I too have been in your shoes. Its been two years five months since my diagnosis and my life has changed and so have I. But I made a consious decision to not let cancer define who I am, or let it consume my mind. I am a survivor and I embrace that fact. The old me is gone, but the me now is moving on, continuing my 5 year tamoxifen. Cancer is a big character builder or breaker. Which do you chose for yourself? It is a choice. Go to a breast cancer support group and see others who are still living and enjoying life. Fit in and have fun with life. Its not just us (breast cancer survivors) its the entire world from the day were born were moving towards death. So make whatever time you have left here MEANINGFUL.

    Happy Easter Ladies! The significance of this day is so we dont expire in death, we move on to be with our creator. He died for us.

    THANK YOU ALL!!!
    Wow, I have been gone for a couple days and come back to such incredible thoughts, feelings and advice. Each and every one of you has something special to share and whether it be good or bad you are all here to share!!! I am so glad that I came back to this forum after all these years because it has helped me to get back to what is important and that is being alive!!! :) The birds are chirping and the sun is rising which means we all need to rise too. Again I want to say thank you to all of you for all of your posts back and forth :) I feel even more blessed to have sisters and brothers like you all!

    Happy Easter and enjoy the day!
  • Bill.S
    Bill.S Member Posts: 177
    Mitz said:

    THANK YOU ALL!!!
    Wow, I have been gone for a couple days and come back to such incredible thoughts, feelings and advice. Each and every one of you has something special to share and whether it be good or bad you are all here to share!!! I am so glad that I came back to this forum after all these years because it has helped me to get back to what is important and that is being alive!!! :) The birds are chirping and the sun is rising which means we all need to rise too. Again I want to say thank you to all of you for all of your posts back and forth :) I feel even more blessed to have sisters and brothers like you all!

    Happy Easter and enjoy the day!

    Lets get an icecream cone and talk about our wedding plans
    Glad that you are back
    Bill
  • Moopy23
    Moopy23 Member Posts: 1,751 Member
    mimivac said:

    Me, too
    Hey Moopy,

    As you know, I have the same thoughts on these days when our white blood cell counts are at their lowest. That's why I've stayed away for a few days. But yesterday, something funny happened. I started making plans -- vacation plans, plans to join a fancy new gym, plans to take a walk in one of our city parks. And I opened the balcony door and let the cats sun themselves. I know we are all hurting, but, as Claudia says, there is also joy out there and there's no reason we can't experience that. I'm no Pollyanna either. I loved life before cancer and did not need its lessons, for sure. I have felt bitter that I am often decades younger that other people I know who have fought this disease. But, it is what it is. Feeling that way doesn't make me happier or healthier. I've worked too hard to get through chemo to not enjoy the fruits of life as much as I can. And hey, I understand depression, believe me. I'm just sick of it.

    BTW, Moopy, my doctor told me that sometimes the last chemo is not as tough. So far, this has been true for me. The fatigue was not as bad and I was about 80% recovered by Tuesday. I pray this is the same for you in a few weeks.

    Mimi

    Plans
    Hi, Mimi, it lifts MY spirits to picture your kitties sunning themselves on the balcony and you out and about in the city, visiting parks and shopping for organic fruits and veggies.

    Glad to see you back and feeling good. And thank you for your report from the chemo number six front. Fatigue has just felled me this time. Very encouraging to know the last one may not be so tough.
  • Moopy23
    Moopy23 Member Posts: 1,751 Member
    rjjj said:

    Good morning Mimi
    It makes my heart happy that you are coming around good after chemo. Your words give me hope and joy. It sounds like you are doing all the things you need to do to reclaim your life. Making plans and looking forward to some fun back in our lives is what keeps us going. I know i have so many things i am looking forward to doing again. Maybe some of the plans aren't quite what they were before..but hey they are my plans and each one I get to do will make me happy!! Be sure to keep us on your list (i know you will)! i sure have enjoyed all your uplifting and informational posts, my friend..and am wishing you sunshine and good days always.
    Happy Easter
    Jackie

    Sunshine and Good Days Mimi and All
    Yes, I wish you and all our sisters sunshine and good days.Thanks friend Jackie, for your post. Hope your plans to get out and go fishing with Bob and Tootsie come about today!
  • ritazimm
    ritazimm Member Posts: 171
    Been there
    Hi Mitz,
    When I completed my chemo and then the radiation (7/09), I thought for sure that I would now be able to move on with my life and go back to being me. Wrong! I had been in my own world of cancer for over a year and didn't feel like I knew anything else. I hated to talk to friends because all I had to talk about was cancer and crappy side-effects. I knew they must be as sick of hearing it as I was of living it. It really threw me for a loop. I too had/have the 'what if' thoughts, my memory was TERRIBLE, my concentration level was TERRIBLE and my medical oncologist kept telling me 'it just takes time'. I couldn't stand it! I just wanted 'me' back. I felt like I should have learned SOMETHING from the cancer experience and should know that I had 'grown' as a person, but I couldn't see anything except that I wasn't 'me'. Then I had a change in shape of my non-cancerous breast and I nearly had a breakdown. When seeing my rad onc. the NP gave me an anti-anxiety medication to get me through the crisis and referred me to a psychologist that specializes in post-chemo treatment. I am taking anti-depressents and just knowing that my feelings of being lost are quite common in post-chemo patients and cancer patients has helped me a lot. It is nice to know that you are not as 'crazy' as you feel and that the feelings are actually quite normal under the circumstances.

    The one thing I hated was that they kept telling me that I would find the 'new me'. Since I knew that I would never have the 'old' physical me and would have to live with those scars, I was not willing to accept a 'new me' in any other aspect and I feared that even though I am not the old me, I would eventually get used to the new me and accept that person. (If that makes any sense?) They adjusted my antidepressents until I was satisfied that I was very close to the old me as far as concentration and memory. I'm still not sure if I truly am close to the same as bc or if I am just enough improved that it is now acceptable, but I have decided not to worry about that and just be thankful for where I am today.

    I do still worry about the 'what if's' but I try to focus on today. I am not someone that can live in denial of the possibilities and have to be somewhat prepared for the negative possibility as well as being prepared to live each day to the best of my ability.

    I also fear that others might think that I have become self centered. When I was diagnosed everyone kept telling me 'it's time to worry about yourself now, don't worry about what anyone else thinks'. Now I feel like I'm kind of stuck in that mode. I am no longer willing to hang around with negative people and no longer willing to do things just because others think that I should. As of right now, that is about the extent of what I have learned through my cancer experience. But for now, that's enough. I am becoming much happier with myself and I know that if the Lord wants me to change or do something because of my experience, I'm sure He will reveal it to me in time.

    You are definitely not alone in this. Just keep plugging along. If you think you are depressed and need anti-depressents tell your doctor that. I talked to my med onc several times and got nowhere so you may need to talk to one of your other doctors but don't give up. I'm not advocating anti-depressents for everyone, but they sure helped me.

    God Bless you and Happy Easter!
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    ritazimm said:

    Been there
    Hi Mitz,
    When I completed my chemo and then the radiation (7/09), I thought for sure that I would now be able to move on with my life and go back to being me. Wrong! I had been in my own world of cancer for over a year and didn't feel like I knew anything else. I hated to talk to friends because all I had to talk about was cancer and crappy side-effects. I knew they must be as sick of hearing it as I was of living it. It really threw me for a loop. I too had/have the 'what if' thoughts, my memory was TERRIBLE, my concentration level was TERRIBLE and my medical oncologist kept telling me 'it just takes time'. I couldn't stand it! I just wanted 'me' back. I felt like I should have learned SOMETHING from the cancer experience and should know that I had 'grown' as a person, but I couldn't see anything except that I wasn't 'me'. Then I had a change in shape of my non-cancerous breast and I nearly had a breakdown. When seeing my rad onc. the NP gave me an anti-anxiety medication to get me through the crisis and referred me to a psychologist that specializes in post-chemo treatment. I am taking anti-depressents and just knowing that my feelings of being lost are quite common in post-chemo patients and cancer patients has helped me a lot. It is nice to know that you are not as 'crazy' as you feel and that the feelings are actually quite normal under the circumstances.

    The one thing I hated was that they kept telling me that I would find the 'new me'. Since I knew that I would never have the 'old' physical me and would have to live with those scars, I was not willing to accept a 'new me' in any other aspect and I feared that even though I am not the old me, I would eventually get used to the new me and accept that person. (If that makes any sense?) They adjusted my antidepressents until I was satisfied that I was very close to the old me as far as concentration and memory. I'm still not sure if I truly am close to the same as bc or if I am just enough improved that it is now acceptable, but I have decided not to worry about that and just be thankful for where I am today.

    I do still worry about the 'what if's' but I try to focus on today. I am not someone that can live in denial of the possibilities and have to be somewhat prepared for the negative possibility as well as being prepared to live each day to the best of my ability.

    I also fear that others might think that I have become self centered. When I was diagnosed everyone kept telling me 'it's time to worry about yourself now, don't worry about what anyone else thinks'. Now I feel like I'm kind of stuck in that mode. I am no longer willing to hang around with negative people and no longer willing to do things just because others think that I should. As of right now, that is about the extent of what I have learned through my cancer experience. But for now, that's enough. I am becoming much happier with myself and I know that if the Lord wants me to change or do something because of my experience, I'm sure He will reveal it to me in time.

    You are definitely not alone in this. Just keep plugging along. If you think you are depressed and need anti-depressents tell your doctor that. I talked to my med onc several times and got nowhere so you may need to talk to one of your other doctors but don't give up. I'm not advocating anti-depressents for everyone, but they sure helped me.

    God Bless you and Happy Easter!

    thank you for your lovely answer
    Rita, you express my feelings and experience to the T. Thanks so much for taking the time to say it all so eloquently. Love, Lynn
  • rjjj
    rjjj Member Posts: 1,822 Member
    ritazimm said:

    Been there
    Hi Mitz,
    When I completed my chemo and then the radiation (7/09), I thought for sure that I would now be able to move on with my life and go back to being me. Wrong! I had been in my own world of cancer for over a year and didn't feel like I knew anything else. I hated to talk to friends because all I had to talk about was cancer and crappy side-effects. I knew they must be as sick of hearing it as I was of living it. It really threw me for a loop. I too had/have the 'what if' thoughts, my memory was TERRIBLE, my concentration level was TERRIBLE and my medical oncologist kept telling me 'it just takes time'. I couldn't stand it! I just wanted 'me' back. I felt like I should have learned SOMETHING from the cancer experience and should know that I had 'grown' as a person, but I couldn't see anything except that I wasn't 'me'. Then I had a change in shape of my non-cancerous breast and I nearly had a breakdown. When seeing my rad onc. the NP gave me an anti-anxiety medication to get me through the crisis and referred me to a psychologist that specializes in post-chemo treatment. I am taking anti-depressents and just knowing that my feelings of being lost are quite common in post-chemo patients and cancer patients has helped me a lot. It is nice to know that you are not as 'crazy' as you feel and that the feelings are actually quite normal under the circumstances.

    The one thing I hated was that they kept telling me that I would find the 'new me'. Since I knew that I would never have the 'old' physical me and would have to live with those scars, I was not willing to accept a 'new me' in any other aspect and I feared that even though I am not the old me, I would eventually get used to the new me and accept that person. (If that makes any sense?) They adjusted my antidepressents until I was satisfied that I was very close to the old me as far as concentration and memory. I'm still not sure if I truly am close to the same as bc or if I am just enough improved that it is now acceptable, but I have decided not to worry about that and just be thankful for where I am today.

    I do still worry about the 'what if's' but I try to focus on today. I am not someone that can live in denial of the possibilities and have to be somewhat prepared for the negative possibility as well as being prepared to live each day to the best of my ability.

    I also fear that others might think that I have become self centered. When I was diagnosed everyone kept telling me 'it's time to worry about yourself now, don't worry about what anyone else thinks'. Now I feel like I'm kind of stuck in that mode. I am no longer willing to hang around with negative people and no longer willing to do things just because others think that I should. As of right now, that is about the extent of what I have learned through my cancer experience. But for now, that's enough. I am becoming much happier with myself and I know that if the Lord wants me to change or do something because of my experience, I'm sure He will reveal it to me in time.

    You are definitely not alone in this. Just keep plugging along. If you think you are depressed and need anti-depressents tell your doctor that. I talked to my med onc several times and got nowhere so you may need to talk to one of your other doctors but don't give up. I'm not advocating anti-depressents for everyone, but they sure helped me.

    God Bless you and Happy Easter!

    Ritza
    Thank you for all that you said..it describes probably most of us. Anti-depressants are for those who need them and i can't think of anyone who needs them more than us. I personally will do any thing that makes me feel better. I appreciate your honesty and all that you said to help me and my sisters. God bless
    Jackie
  • rjjj
    rjjj Member Posts: 1,822 Member
    Moopy23 said:

    Sunshine and Good Days Mimi and All
    Yes, I wish you and all our sisters sunshine and good days.Thanks friend Jackie, for your post. Hope your plans to get out and go fishing with Bob and Tootsie come about today!

    Moopy and Joe
    It was too windy to fish but we had a good day with a barbeque and planted flowers,,tootsie watched. I love you.
    Jackie
  • peggy65
    peggy65 Member Posts: 100
    i have struggled with the
    i have struggled with the old peggy coming back, too. i have come to believe with the help of a therapist and meds that the old peggy will not come back. i assumed that when i was done with chemo and radiation things would return as they were.as i have tried to process this i have come to believe that a new peggy would be a good thing. meaning that basically i am the same but have or am in the process of tweking myself to be more understanding, more mellow etc, than i was before. so this is a good thing. of course i wouldn't recommend having cancer to change one's personality but anyway you understand what i am saying. it is a hard pill to swallow, but what choice do you have. i pray that the transition will become easier for you. you can have the kind of life that you want. seek help from like support groups, friends. etc. it really does help to know that others are feeling the same things that you are. i certainly did and still am struggling with this.getting over the anger from a cancer diagnosis is hard, hard, hard. but you can do it. once you begin to move in a new direction you will feel very powerful. my heart goes out to you because i know just what you are talking about. my prayers and good thoughts are sent your way, blessings, peggy
  • peggy65
    peggy65 Member Posts: 100
    bfbear said:

    Thank you Patty, Lisa, Mimivac and
    Thank you Patty, Lisa, Mimivac and all of you wonderful, courageous women for your words and the time you took to write them. I can't tell you how hard it is to write my true feelings, but I did last night, and you have made me feel hugged. I am seeing my therapist this week and I'll do my best to be honest with her about the gravity of the situation (it's hard to show vulnerability...I hate appearing weak even if I, supposedly, have a right to).
    And today I hardly answered the phone at all, and it helped. All your advice is good stuff. This is definitely a lesson in humility and making priorities. But somewhere along the line, I really have got to find a reason to live, not just make it from one day to the next...I guess.
    Thanks again to you all. I very much appreciate all the wise things you write and offer up.
    D

    you have to do what you have
    you have to do what you have to do! i went through similar feelings. always worried about my husband caring for me and my children worrying. oh my goodness, it was exhausting. but you know you are the one going through the disease so anything you need to do to get through each you must do. it is hard for us wives and mothers to put ourselves first, we are not used to doing that but we have to do it. as you continue to process this things will become clearer. i support you as you go through this rough patch. hugs, peggy
  • peggy65
    peggy65 Member Posts: 100
    Ltalcott said:

    I don't know if anything
    I don't know if anything I've written below will help or if it is way presumptuous of me to even say or think it:

    Debi,

    You deserve the care that your family is going to give you. No one can do it all alone. If the situation were reversed, would you help your sister or your daughter?

    Actions change feelings, so when you feel down, you need to pretend. If you do something, take a walk, talk to someone, go to a movie, you will feel better. I pretend a lot, and at times I hate doing it. And at times I just forget about pretending and go to bed early. But when I pretend, I really do feel better.

    Lisa

    thanks for you comments last
    thanks for you comments last week. we are going back to lahey clinic in boston in a few weeks. my husband will have another psa and we will see what comes of it. the new doc at lahey is really wonderful so we are so happy that we are getting a second opinion. hope all is well with you and you continue to be so positive. it is really a gift. blessings, peggy
  • peggy65
    peggy65 Member Posts: 100
    Moopy23 said:

    Cancer or Cholera Indeed
    Hello, I am on the eighth day of my 5th chemo, and it is usually during these days that I fall completely and fully victim to the thoughts some of you have shared so movingly. My husband and my friends here are somehow able to pull me out. As Claudia has done this morning, in a testament to life that is powerful, eloquent, and overflowing with compassion.

    I thank each of you for sharing and helping me to understand that the abyss may always be out there. I thank Claudia, for reminding me that above ground--changed though it may be-- is still a good place, and worth the fight to stay there.

    ...this forum, and Kindred Spirits, and a safe place to land: I wish these may give you more comfort, as they have given me. And on this Good Friday, I pray that we, like Claudia, can seek--and find--much to celebrate in our changed lives.

    hang in there! this too
    hang in there! this too shall pass. i send my love and hugs to you. and may you surround yourself with good thoughts as you travel this difficult path. love, peggy
  • peggy65
    peggy65 Member Posts: 100
    lynn1950 said:

    thank you for your lovely answer
    Rita, you express my feelings and experience to the T. Thanks so much for taking the time to say it all so eloquently. Love, Lynn

    lynn, i was concerned when
    lynn, i was concerned when you said that you were sstill experiencing anlxiety. i hope that the new pill concoction will help you. it is such a drag on our spirits. how was the wedding? thinking of you. love, peggy
  • jojo elizapest
    jojo elizapest Member Posts: 122
    Moopy23 said:

    Cancer or Cholera Indeed
    Hello, I am on the eighth day of my 5th chemo, and it is usually during these days that I fall completely and fully victim to the thoughts some of you have shared so movingly. My husband and my friends here are somehow able to pull me out. As Claudia has done this morning, in a testament to life that is powerful, eloquent, and overflowing with compassion.

    I thank each of you for sharing and helping me to understand that the abyss may always be out there. I thank Claudia, for reminding me that above ground--changed though it may be-- is still a good place, and worth the fight to stay there.

    ...this forum, and Kindred Spirits, and a safe place to land: I wish these may give you more comfort, as they have given me. And on this Good Friday, I pray that we, like Claudia, can seek--and find--much to celebrate in our changed lives.

    so hard to put those raw
    so hard to put those raw real feelings down...but thanks Moopy and others for the reminder that topside is still better than the alternative.
  • jojo elizapest
    jojo elizapest Member Posts: 122
    chenheart said:

    Cancer or Cholera?
    Well, I don't quite know...if we are all truly going to die of something~ what disease would I chose? Lou Gehrig's disease? Multiple Sclerosis? Alzheimers? Parkinson's? Cancer? I know I didn't want this diagnosis, but I can't think of too many life-altering diseases I would want.
    Living in a third world country and dying of dysentery,cholera or starvation doesn't give me the warm
    fuzzies, either. Barring any of that~ I could get creamed by a bus,a drunk driver, or get hit by a stray bullet while minding my own business drinking lemonade on my front porch. Living in California, I know there could be a 7 point earthquake tonight which might crush me to death in my bed.

    I don't know if I am going to have a recurrance. What I am doing is this: Living my life! I go on picnics, I joined a book club, I walk 3X a week with a walking buddy, I keep abreast (no pun intended) of politics, both local and national, I invite people over, I say hello to strangers, I ALWAYS hug bald-headed women wearing bandanas, I paint my fingernails, I planted a garden. None of this is major, nor will it save the planet, much less my own life. But it helps me be Claudia. I decided a long time ago that Cancer is what I fight, NOT who I am.
    And by doing the above-mentioned things, plus a few more, I also became Stronger Than and not Angry At.

    I am not now, nor have I ever been a Pollyanna. I loved the mountains, sunsets, flowers, etc etc BEFORE cancer, thank you very much! I didn't "need" cancer to make me more aware of the fragility of life and that I should appreciate it more.

    I simply can't turn back the clock to the days before dx. I don't forget that I am a survivor~ every day I am above ground I have survived something!!!

    Sorry for rambling here...I love you all dearly and my heart aches for the desperate circumstances so many of us are in. If I had the magic I would change it all. Sadly I don't.

    What I do have is this forum, and Kindred Spirits, and a safe place to land.

    Hugs,
    Claudia

    YES
    (imagine arm pumping

    YES

    (imagine arm pumping action and jumping on mattress!)

    thanks, jojo