The Pull Between Letting It Go And The Blame Game.

24

Comments

  • hollyberry
    hollyberry Member Posts: 173

    Attitude
    Dreamdove. Thanks. I can't even imagine what its like for Blueroses as she has delt with cancer for so long. I wish she lived close by so I could give her a hug everyday. After a couple months on this discussion board I have developed a pattern. I wake up and tell the wife and dog good morning. I turn on my computer and look for letters from you, Blueroses, Soccerfreaks, Zahalene, Terato, Pnktopaz and all the other regulars. My day would not be complete without checking in to see how everyone is doing. I never quit learning from each of you and it helps me when I help others in my local area. I doubt anyone has all the answers when It comes to cancer issues. We sure know the medical society is not up to speed on many issues. I have been blessed with a good family and many friends in my life. And I was blessed when I found all of you here. Slickwilly

    Lifeline!!
    Slickwilly,
    I agree about the pattern; get up, get everyone to work and school and come here to find support and encouragement from all of you. I can't count how many times I was feeling overwhelmed and isolated and found my strength right here.That is not to say I don't have a very supportive family, I do; they just haven't walked in our shoes and don't fully understand the challenges we face and I hope and pray that they never will.
    Your kindness and support have gotten me through some very difficult days and I thank God for all of you.
    I, too, could have laid blame; my G.I. doc scheduled my colonoscopy out 6 weeks after exam and that gave my tumor time to grow and ulcerate, and I worked for the guy! My daughter asked me if I was going to sue and I told her nothing was done maliciously and I wouldn't waste what precious time I had left in a courtroom. I don't blame anyone because it's just not worth the energy.I am grateful to be here today and I can't give anger or frustration any more time than I have to;it does sneak up on me from time to time but, I try very hard to let it go and be thankful for all that I have, including your friendship.
    God bless,
    Hollyberry
  • blueroses
    blueroses Member Posts: 524

    Attitude
    Dreamdove. Thanks. I can't even imagine what its like for Blueroses as she has delt with cancer for so long. I wish she lived close by so I could give her a hug everyday. After a couple months on this discussion board I have developed a pattern. I wake up and tell the wife and dog good morning. I turn on my computer and look for letters from you, Blueroses, Soccerfreaks, Zahalene, Terato, Pnktopaz and all the other regulars. My day would not be complete without checking in to see how everyone is doing. I never quit learning from each of you and it helps me when I help others in my local area. I doubt anyone has all the answers when It comes to cancer issues. We sure know the medical society is not up to speed on many issues. I have been blessed with a good family and many friends in my life. And I was blessed when I found all of you here. Slickwilly

    We all go down the same road, long or short
    Thanks for the offer of a daily hug Slick, I appreciate that. lol. I just wanted to correct something that's important to me but I knew what you meant. I haven't lived with cancer for 20 years, I have lived with the after effects of it. To me there is a big difference because for me I looked at the cancer as being truly gone after my second run in with it, 2 years after diagnosis. I have mentioned the reason why a few times so I won't go into it now. Those who really need a daily hug from all of us are those who live with cancer itself on a daily basis for years and years, I can't imagin that. I got rid of the beast 18 years ago and the thing that I am very grateful for, amongst many things, is that I never let the fear of recurrance ruin my life. Turns out it was and is the after effects that are 'scwewing' me up daily. So my hats are off to those who bravely battle the beast daily - and on and on, they are such strong individuals and heroes to me. But in the end let's face it - we all go down the same route of emotions with it all, whether that road be long or short, we are all linked in that common journey.

    I do the same thing as you Slick, get up each day and read all the postings with my morning cofee - especially the postings under this heading. I really think that the emotional sides of cancer still aren't being dealt with from the getgo upon diagnosis with continuous follow ups afterwards for the patient. I will take the daily cyber hug though Slick, no taking that back. lol. Hugs back, Blueroses.
  • terato
    terato Member Posts: 375

    Attitude
    Dreamdove. Thanks. I can't even imagine what its like for Blueroses as she has delt with cancer for so long. I wish she lived close by so I could give her a hug everyday. After a couple months on this discussion board I have developed a pattern. I wake up and tell the wife and dog good morning. I turn on my computer and look for letters from you, Blueroses, Soccerfreaks, Zahalene, Terato, Pnktopaz and all the other regulars. My day would not be complete without checking in to see how everyone is doing. I never quit learning from each of you and it helps me when I help others in my local area. I doubt anyone has all the answers when It comes to cancer issues. We sure know the medical society is not up to speed on many issues. I have been blessed with a good family and many friends in my life. And I was blessed when I found all of you here. Slickwilly

    You know, I feel the same way!
    Slickwilly,

    No matter how rushed I may be, in the morning, no matter how tired I feel in the afternoon, I can't help but visit this message board to find out how my fellow "carcinoma kids" are doing. Your thoughts, your fears, your joys, and your tears have become important to me and I look forward to this part of my day. As you know, I have no family left, save a few cousins, so, I guess, you have all become part of my extended family of choice, or perhaps, more than that since we all have one big thing in common. Thank you very much for being you.

    Love, Courage, and Gratitude!

    Rick
  • MR_SAD
    MR_SAD Member Posts: 91
    terato said:

    You know, I feel the same way!
    Slickwilly,

    No matter how rushed I may be, in the morning, no matter how tired I feel in the afternoon, I can't help but visit this message board to find out how my fellow "carcinoma kids" are doing. Your thoughts, your fears, your joys, and your tears have become important to me and I look forward to this part of my day. As you know, I have no family left, save a few cousins, so, I guess, you have all become part of my extended family of choice, or perhaps, more than that since we all have one big thing in common. Thank you very much for being you.

    Love, Courage, and Gratitude!

    Rick

    Rick
    I feel the same way. I find my self getting up starting the coffee pot, turning the computer on and getting on this site to see if any of my friends have left a post. I guess when you share Your thoughts, your fears, your joys, and your tears together you become Very close to someone. I would be Proud to be part of your Extended family. We can laugh, cry, Vent, and even complain and Some one will reply and brighten our day. Today for some reason has been real tough on me. I had been doing pretty good but today I woke up with a Cry. We had snow come in and they sent all of us home from work. As soon as i walked in to this house I just lost it. I miss my wife so much, today comming home and She was not here. It is just so hard to deal with all of my greif. Thanks for listening
    Mr Sad
  • slickwilly
    slickwilly Member Posts: 334 Member
    blueroses said:

    We all go down the same road, long or short
    Thanks for the offer of a daily hug Slick, I appreciate that. lol. I just wanted to correct something that's important to me but I knew what you meant. I haven't lived with cancer for 20 years, I have lived with the after effects of it. To me there is a big difference because for me I looked at the cancer as being truly gone after my second run in with it, 2 years after diagnosis. I have mentioned the reason why a few times so I won't go into it now. Those who really need a daily hug from all of us are those who live with cancer itself on a daily basis for years and years, I can't imagin that. I got rid of the beast 18 years ago and the thing that I am very grateful for, amongst many things, is that I never let the fear of recurrance ruin my life. Turns out it was and is the after effects that are 'scwewing' me up daily. So my hats are off to those who bravely battle the beast daily - and on and on, they are such strong individuals and heroes to me. But in the end let's face it - we all go down the same route of emotions with it all, whether that road be long or short, we are all linked in that common journey.

    I do the same thing as you Slick, get up each day and read all the postings with my morning cofee - especially the postings under this heading. I really think that the emotional sides of cancer still aren't being dealt with from the getgo upon diagnosis with continuous follow ups afterwards for the patient. I will take the daily cyber hug though Slick, no taking that back. lol. Hugs back, Blueroses.

    the long road.
    Blueroses. I stand corrected and I really did know better ha ha. And I understand the difference and your reasons as we have talked about it before. And you would still get the daily hugs as you have delt with the emotional issues involved along with all the side effects for so many years. Your completly right about the emotional issues not being delt with by the medical community. I was really screwed up during and after my cancer treatments. A friend called and wanted to see me as he was dealing with a brain tumor. We spent hours talking about side effects, drugs and our families, along with suicide so our wives could collect insurance. Pretty serious stuff. After a 2 year fight Steve didn't make it. When he passed I was completly lost. My doctors had no answers as I had too many medical problems for a psych to understand, and they were right. Its not the same as talking to someone who has been there. So we have this site and each other. I guess if I had the money I would build a facility for cancer survivors where they could work through the emotional issues together. Just a week of talking and learning from each other along with medical staff to talk about side effects and treatment options. Something the insurance world would never cover or understand. So I better win the lottery soon so I can meet all of you. Hugs to everyone Slickwilly
  • Dreamdove
    Dreamdove Member Posts: 175 Member
    MR_SAD said:

    Rick
    I feel the same way. I find my self getting up starting the coffee pot, turning the computer on and getting on this site to see if any of my friends have left a post. I guess when you share Your thoughts, your fears, your joys, and your tears together you become Very close to someone. I would be Proud to be part of your Extended family. We can laugh, cry, Vent, and even complain and Some one will reply and brighten our day. Today for some reason has been real tough on me. I had been doing pretty good but today I woke up with a Cry. We had snow come in and they sent all of us home from work. As soon as i walked in to this house I just lost it. I miss my wife so much, today comming home and She was not here. It is just so hard to deal with all of my greif. Thanks for listening
    Mr Sad

    Checking the postings my daily routine also
    Although it seems "everybody" out there has close friends and family around them all the time, it is often a lonely road for cancer survivors and those undergoing treatment. Some of us have lost friends and partners and let's face it, some people avoid us. I will always be the "person who had the cancer." At work, at relative functions, etc. Nobody looks at me the same anymore. I don't even get invited to anything anymore. Yet I act like myself and don't even mention cancer all that much. If it wasn't for my kids (2 are grown up and out of the house), my sister who lives in another state and is a self-righteous religious fanatic, and my mother who is 82, lives in another state, and annoys the heck out of me on the phone and I always end up feeling guilty, I'd be totally alone except for my 2 cats, Sam and Charlie. So, I, too, look forward to the "regular's" nearly daily postings. It's additive!
  • blueroses
    blueroses Member Posts: 524
    terato said:

    You know, I feel the same way!
    Slickwilly,

    No matter how rushed I may be, in the morning, no matter how tired I feel in the afternoon, I can't help but visit this message board to find out how my fellow "carcinoma kids" are doing. Your thoughts, your fears, your joys, and your tears have become important to me and I look forward to this part of my day. As you know, I have no family left, save a few cousins, so, I guess, you have all become part of my extended family of choice, or perhaps, more than that since we all have one big thing in common. Thank you very much for being you.

    Love, Courage, and Gratitude!

    Rick

    Ditto
    Rick, I am in the same boat that you seem to be as far as being on my own with only the occasional cousin here and there but even at that, at a distance. One of them has however become a great email pal and I look forward to her emails as well daily as a source of understanding as well. I do have 2 children but they are young and starting their own lives in other parts of the world so basically I am alone. I don't know if I have ever mentioned that, chemo brain strikes again. lol. However, even if I was in better health and had some family closer, I know I would still start my days off with checking these boards, still wanting to be grounded in knowing that whatever remnants of the treatments/disease I might be dealing with, I am still validated in how that might affect my daily life at that point. Know what I mean? Validation in this radical change in our lives (physically/emotionally) , brought on by the cancer/treatments, is so important to each and every one of us and I just wish more survivors could find this site so that they too would be able to take advantage of the support and understanding we have found on this site. I think it's more than having something in common that joins us together so strongly, that's the beginning of the bond but what is more important is that the understanding and validation keep us here. I personally want to extend a big thank you and hug to Google for helping me to find my way here. lol. Have the best day possilbe, friends. Blueroses.
  • blueroses
    blueroses Member Posts: 524
    Dreamdove said:

    Checking the postings my daily routine also
    Although it seems "everybody" out there has close friends and family around them all the time, it is often a lonely road for cancer survivors and those undergoing treatment. Some of us have lost friends and partners and let's face it, some people avoid us. I will always be the "person who had the cancer." At work, at relative functions, etc. Nobody looks at me the same anymore. I don't even get invited to anything anymore. Yet I act like myself and don't even mention cancer all that much. If it wasn't for my kids (2 are grown up and out of the house), my sister who lives in another state and is a self-righteous religious fanatic, and my mother who is 82, lives in another state, and annoys the heck out of me on the phone and I always end up feeling guilty, I'd be totally alone except for my 2 cats, Sam and Charlie. So, I, too, look forward to the "regular's" nearly daily postings. It's additive!

    So true Dream
    I feel the same way about our situations after cancer, being alone in it all in our individual surroundings/situations, but even if we had someone with us, or friends/family near, I think we would still probably feel alone in our situation at times, as no one understands us completely, except for those who have personally been there. So, for us struggling with cancer or its after effects I think this is a part of it we all face, to some degree.

    I lost my Mother 4 years ago, she just got old and started to fail, quite quickly actually. She always lived a distance from me but we talked on the phone daily all of my adult life, since I moved away from my childhood home at 19, sometimes we spoke more than once a day on that phone. When she passed away so suddenly I truly realized I had lost my best friend and even though she drove me nuts almost daily, Mother and daughter relationships can be rough alright, that phone was never more quiet. I mean people called me but she never did again and that was just so hard for me. You know, and this is embarassing but what the heck I have spilled my guts already on this site, but about 3 months later in the middle of a day I picked up the phone and called her number. And when the automated operator said 'I'm sorry this number is no longer in service' I realized the finality of it all. Love the ones you have around you, they can be gone in a second. I have no idea why I went into all of that, just popped into my head. Sigh. Hugs Dream, Blueroses.
  • blueroses
    blueroses Member Posts: 524

    the long road.
    Blueroses. I stand corrected and I really did know better ha ha. And I understand the difference and your reasons as we have talked about it before. And you would still get the daily hugs as you have delt with the emotional issues involved along with all the side effects for so many years. Your completly right about the emotional issues not being delt with by the medical community. I was really screwed up during and after my cancer treatments. A friend called and wanted to see me as he was dealing with a brain tumor. We spent hours talking about side effects, drugs and our families, along with suicide so our wives could collect insurance. Pretty serious stuff. After a 2 year fight Steve didn't make it. When he passed I was completly lost. My doctors had no answers as I had too many medical problems for a psych to understand, and they were right. Its not the same as talking to someone who has been there. So we have this site and each other. I guess if I had the money I would build a facility for cancer survivors where they could work through the emotional issues together. Just a week of talking and learning from each other along with medical staff to talk about side effects and treatment options. Something the insurance world would never cover or understand. So I better win the lottery soon so I can meet all of you. Hugs to everyone Slickwilly

    I know
    Hey Slickster, Yup I knew that you undestood just wanted to make the point about the differences. Oh boy could I get into it about the lack of emotional support with the powers that be over support issues for patients and survivors but I have no energy to take that on. I always look admiringly at those who started the Breast Cancer Movement as they did not only a tremendous service for their type of cancer but for us all as well. They brought so much light on this issue to the general public and to those faced with the diagnosis as well I just stand in awe of their strength and gifts to us all. I come from a Promotions/Media background so it is really hard for me to see a need in the cancer field that is not met but if I can get the floors swept in a day I feel like throwing a party to celebrate. Woohoo, lol. I have mentioned this on another of my postings (sheesh can I yap or what - just noticed how many postings I have, yikes) but I truly feel that there should be staff onhand, trained in dealing with cancer patients, who is on site at cancer clinics to deal with newly diagnosed patients - I mean have just been told, as a part of the medical process. I know that at that time they are in shock but that should be verbalized to them as being NATURAL and then they should be advised of all that is available to them for support (not just some helpline they can call that is anonymous and takes days to get back to you) and then they should leave with a full binder of emergency help and information as to ways they can find support. AND THEN THE PROFESSION NEEDS TO FOLLOW UP WITH EACH PATIENT, not just give them the binder and send them on their way. In that binder should also be sections for caregivers as they are so neglected in the beginning and of course need the support as well. It is no coincidence that if you look down this list of thread subjects and numbers who have responded, besides the long list of special types of cancers, in the section below under other topics the Emotional Issues one and the Caregivers ones get the most attenion - two areas that are crying out for help in the journey through and with cancer for all affected.

    Oh I agree Slickster, the funding for this type of project would have to be private - emotional issues are always at the bottom of the medical list of priorities it seems, almost everywhere, and that's a complete shame. Our feelings have soooooooo much to do with our recovery but you are right, the funding for this massive an undertaken in emotional support probably wouldn't even be considered. There are many groups out there now fighting for something like what I am proposing but their fight is long indeed. Wish I had the resources of energy and money to help make this happen as well. Hmm, the lottery today up here is worth $33 million, aw nuts, not feeling well enough to get out for a freakin ticket. Grrrrrrrrr. lol.

    I'm going to shut up now before I put you all too sleep. HEY WAKE UP. LOL. Love you all, Blueroses.
  • blueroses
    blueroses Member Posts: 524
    MR_SAD said:

    Rick
    I feel the same way. I find my self getting up starting the coffee pot, turning the computer on and getting on this site to see if any of my friends have left a post. I guess when you share Your thoughts, your fears, your joys, and your tears together you become Very close to someone. I would be Proud to be part of your Extended family. We can laugh, cry, Vent, and even complain and Some one will reply and brighten our day. Today for some reason has been real tough on me. I had been doing pretty good but today I woke up with a Cry. We had snow come in and they sent all of us home from work. As soon as i walked in to this house I just lost it. I miss my wife so much, today comming home and She was not here. It is just so hard to deal with all of my greif. Thanks for listening
    Mr Sad

    IT rears up and smacks us in the back of the head when...
    we least expect it. Yup, I think we all have that happen. We go along after getting the diagnosis, or losing loved ones we have cared for, or taking our icky treatments and get to a point when we felt we were doing alright. Then one day we are just doing our laundry or coming home from an outing and WHAM it smacks us upside the head and we fall to our knees. It will happen over and over but hopefully the times between will get wider and wider as we start to heal just enough to be able to go on more routinely. It will of course never leave us completely, nor would we want it to of course, but we can learn that we will have those times and to me, they are a reminder of what we can learnt from the whole process, thus far, and a reminder of those who we have loved and who have loved us - that's what is important and a tribute to our lives. Even if now we find ourselves alone we have loved and still are loved by someone and ultimately (for me anyways) by God. We are never alone. For us on this site we are also blessed with this site and those who truly care about each and everyone of us as well through great understanding. So Mr. Sad you indeed are part of a new family, as well as the one you have there with your children, and welcome to it. Grief is indeed tough to handle, and yours is so raw and new but we are all here for you as well. You have your children to raise and you are healthy, so with those two situations in your life you have a great goal before you - raising those kids with strength and love as I know you are doing. When I was in the hospital during isolation after the bone marrow transplant that's what I prayed for - a chance to stick around long enough to raise my children. That is a powerful prayer to offer up, for survivors and caregivers alike, not just to remain on this earth to help them on their way in life for us survivors but for caregivers as well, to continue giving them the stability of a parent when they have just lost the other one.
    Pray for the strength Mr. Sad and you won't be disappointed. God has already brought you to this site for help too. Hugs, Blueroses.
  • Dreamdove
    Dreamdove Member Posts: 175 Member
    blueroses said:

    So true Dream
    I feel the same way about our situations after cancer, being alone in it all in our individual surroundings/situations, but even if we had someone with us, or friends/family near, I think we would still probably feel alone in our situation at times, as no one understands us completely, except for those who have personally been there. So, for us struggling with cancer or its after effects I think this is a part of it we all face, to some degree.

    I lost my Mother 4 years ago, she just got old and started to fail, quite quickly actually. She always lived a distance from me but we talked on the phone daily all of my adult life, since I moved away from my childhood home at 19, sometimes we spoke more than once a day on that phone. When she passed away so suddenly I truly realized I had lost my best friend and even though she drove me nuts almost daily, Mother and daughter relationships can be rough alright, that phone was never more quiet. I mean people called me but she never did again and that was just so hard for me. You know, and this is embarassing but what the heck I have spilled my guts already on this site, but about 3 months later in the middle of a day I picked up the phone and called her number. And when the automated operator said 'I'm sorry this number is no longer in service' I realized the finality of it all. Love the ones you have around you, they can be gone in a second. I have no idea why I went into all of that, just popped into my head. Sigh. Hugs Dream, Blueroses.

    Mother/Daughter Thing
    Blueroses, thanks for the reminder about trying to appreciate my mother while she is here, even though she drives me nuts. I often think about how things would be if my mother passed away. She is my best friend, too. I try to overlook the annoying, irritating things she does. I couldn't imagine not being able to call her. But she is 82 and losing it fast. I try so hard to be patient. She is so terrible at listening and I find that the most difficult to deal with. I could deal with the criticism (I'm used to it) but there is always this dead silence on the other end of the phone when I am talking to her and then later she will ask questions that I already talked about during the dead silence. I ask myself, "why do I bother talking--why not wait until she asks the inevitable questions?" but I can't help myself. She even makes up stuff that she thought I said and then I have to correct her. Oh well. I have 2 daughters myself, ages 14 and 22 and I probably drive them insane, too. Maybe it is a mother/daughter thing.....

    I also like how you said that even when we have people around us, we are still somehow alone because they don't understand what we are going thru. I know my kids don't understand. I tried to make them understand but you can only go so far trying to get someone to understand.
  • blueroses
    blueroses Member Posts: 524
    Dreamdove said:

    Mother/Daughter Thing
    Blueroses, thanks for the reminder about trying to appreciate my mother while she is here, even though she drives me nuts. I often think about how things would be if my mother passed away. She is my best friend, too. I try to overlook the annoying, irritating things she does. I couldn't imagine not being able to call her. But she is 82 and losing it fast. I try so hard to be patient. She is so terrible at listening and I find that the most difficult to deal with. I could deal with the criticism (I'm used to it) but there is always this dead silence on the other end of the phone when I am talking to her and then later she will ask questions that I already talked about during the dead silence. I ask myself, "why do I bother talking--why not wait until she asks the inevitable questions?" but I can't help myself. She even makes up stuff that she thought I said and then I have to correct her. Oh well. I have 2 daughters myself, ages 14 and 22 and I probably drive them insane, too. Maybe it is a mother/daughter thing.....

    I also like how you said that even when we have people around us, we are still somehow alone because they don't understand what we are going thru. I know my kids don't understand. I tried to make them understand but you can only go so far trying to get someone to understand.

    Mother/Daughter shtuff
    Wow that was unreal Dream cause my Mum did all of that too. Woah. I thought I was reading about my relationship with my Mum during the last year or so of her life. My Mum used to get things wrong I was trying to say and alot of dead silence. Later though I wonder if maybe she was failing in some ways, like her hearing and that is what it was all about but I guess I will never know. Does your Mum have Altzheimers? I went through lots of criticism with my Mum too, interesting. Try and ignore her idiocyncracies though if you at all can, you will be glad you did in time. It's hard I know though because when we are sick ourselves we need, and in fact expect, our Mommies to take care of us even yet and when they are not available through failing mental and physical issues it is very hard for us to understand. I felt just like you do now when I was dealing with it too but now that I am without her then maybe being able to help you with all of this through the rest of your time with her might, hopefully, be a bit easier.

    As far as you kids are concerned I realized awhile ago that my kids are probably still struggling with my health in their own way even yet so I'm doing my best to not expect them to understand too much about what I go through. I am not saying you are doin However I did at one time and now that neither of them live with me because they are away at university and starting their own lives in other provinces I can see things more clearly. But in many ways I felt the same way you do now. Have you taken the kids to a counsellor with you to talk about your illness, espcially the 14 year old? That might help you all a bit. Just a suggestion. Take care, Blueroses.
  • MR_SAD
    MR_SAD Member Posts: 91
    blueroses said:

    IT rears up and smacks us in the back of the head when...
    we least expect it. Yup, I think we all have that happen. We go along after getting the diagnosis, or losing loved ones we have cared for, or taking our icky treatments and get to a point when we felt we were doing alright. Then one day we are just doing our laundry or coming home from an outing and WHAM it smacks us upside the head and we fall to our knees. It will happen over and over but hopefully the times between will get wider and wider as we start to heal just enough to be able to go on more routinely. It will of course never leave us completely, nor would we want it to of course, but we can learn that we will have those times and to me, they are a reminder of what we can learnt from the whole process, thus far, and a reminder of those who we have loved and who have loved us - that's what is important and a tribute to our lives. Even if now we find ourselves alone we have loved and still are loved by someone and ultimately (for me anyways) by God. We are never alone. For us on this site we are also blessed with this site and those who truly care about each and everyone of us as well through great understanding. So Mr. Sad you indeed are part of a new family, as well as the one you have there with your children, and welcome to it. Grief is indeed tough to handle, and yours is so raw and new but we are all here for you as well. You have your children to raise and you are healthy, so with those two situations in your life you have a great goal before you - raising those kids with strength and love as I know you are doing. When I was in the hospital during isolation after the bone marrow transplant that's what I prayed for - a chance to stick around long enough to raise my children. That is a powerful prayer to offer up, for survivors and caregivers alike, not just to remain on this earth to help them on their way in life for us survivors but for caregivers as well, to continue giving them the stability of a parent when they have just lost the other one.
    Pray for the strength Mr. Sad and you won't be disappointed. God has already brought you to this site for help too. Hugs, Blueroses.

    Blue
    Hope this finds you doing well. The days are slowly getting more nanageable. I was blessed to have loved as long as god let me. Our Love was very special and Cathy gave me two great Kids that now must be my focus. I have been doing a lot more with them when I can, They still have their friends and I have to let them do there own thing, but when I get the chance, We do things together. David (my 17 year old) and I went Camping Last weekend, we had a great time even if it was very cold. I am extremely lucky to have all my friends on this site. I look so forward to comming on and reading everyones post. I never dreamed how tough this grief was going to be. While I was caring for Cathy I thought what it would be like when I lost her espicially towards the end when she was getting so sick. I thought I was trying to prepare my self for my loss but I was so wrong. The Shock is so deep, You feel so lost, Lonely, hurt, disapointed, mad so many emotions that you have never experienced. Its like you realize Your life will never be the same again. I know that the kids and you guys are helping me to get thru all of this. I just miss her so much. Will that feeling ever get any better? I know its only been a short time but every day when I come home and the kids are not here I feel so Lonly, If I did not have you guys and my faith I think I would go crazy.
    Thanks for your support
    Floyd
  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    blueroses said:

    Ditto
    Rick, I am in the same boat that you seem to be as far as being on my own with only the occasional cousin here and there but even at that, at a distance. One of them has however become a great email pal and I look forward to her emails as well daily as a source of understanding as well. I do have 2 children but they are young and starting their own lives in other parts of the world so basically I am alone. I don't know if I have ever mentioned that, chemo brain strikes again. lol. However, even if I was in better health and had some family closer, I know I would still start my days off with checking these boards, still wanting to be grounded in knowing that whatever remnants of the treatments/disease I might be dealing with, I am still validated in how that might affect my daily life at that point. Know what I mean? Validation in this radical change in our lives (physically/emotionally) , brought on by the cancer/treatments, is so important to each and every one of us and I just wish more survivors could find this site so that they too would be able to take advantage of the support and understanding we have found on this site. I think it's more than having something in common that joins us together so strongly, that's the beginning of the bond but what is more important is that the understanding and validation keep us here. I personally want to extend a big thank you and hug to Google for helping me to find my way here. lol. Have the best day possilbe, friends. Blueroses.

    Hey, guys
    I haven't posted in this thread since up near the top, but I just wanted to let you all know that I am reading all that has been said and crying and laughing and nodding yes and no here and there. But this morning something really cool happened. As most of you know, I live with my disabled dad and am kept pretty close to home most of the time. It can get a tad wearisome. But today I get the strongest feeling that I am sitting in a cozy room around a roaring fire (it's cold here!) in a big comfy chair and every one of you are here with me. Just chewin' the fat (as we say in Ark) and patting each other on the back of the hand in understanding or jumping up to give a hug and go for a fresh pot of coffee....u know? Makes me feel like my life is full-to-bustin'. Thanks friends. Zah
  • blueroses
    blueroses Member Posts: 524
    MR_SAD said:

    Blue
    Hope this finds you doing well. The days are slowly getting more nanageable. I was blessed to have loved as long as god let me. Our Love was very special and Cathy gave me two great Kids that now must be my focus. I have been doing a lot more with them when I can, They still have their friends and I have to let them do there own thing, but when I get the chance, We do things together. David (my 17 year old) and I went Camping Last weekend, we had a great time even if it was very cold. I am extremely lucky to have all my friends on this site. I look so forward to comming on and reading everyones post. I never dreamed how tough this grief was going to be. While I was caring for Cathy I thought what it would be like when I lost her espicially towards the end when she was getting so sick. I thought I was trying to prepare my self for my loss but I was so wrong. The Shock is so deep, You feel so lost, Lonely, hurt, disapointed, mad so many emotions that you have never experienced. Its like you realize Your life will never be the same again. I know that the kids and you guys are helping me to get thru all of this. I just miss her so much. Will that feeling ever get any better? I know its only been a short time but every day when I come home and the kids are not here I feel so Lonly, If I did not have you guys and my faith I think I would go crazy.
    Thanks for your support
    Floyd

    Mr Sad
    Thanks for asking, I am doing alright. I'm glad to hear that the days are more manageable and that you are keeping busy with your boys. Children ground us so much, more than we realized in times of great stress and loss. How are the kids doing with the loss? I know several people who have lost spouses for various reasons and sometimes counselling is a good idea for them with a good grief counsellor, individual counselling and then with you and them both. I don't know if you have considered that or need it. Just a thought. I personally experienced loss of my spouse but through divorce and although it's in most ways totally different from your loss I can relate in a couple of ways and the lonliness part of going it alone after they are gone comes and goes over a long period of time. However in your case, as you so eloquently stated, you did have each other in a very special bond that is obvious from your description. You were both indeed blessed in that, some never experience that in their lifetime. I don't think anyone is ever truly prepared for the end, you think you are and then when it happens it takes you to your knees. However it sounds like you are getting up from all of that, slowly - but that is normal, and as you said first off in your posting - things are getting more manageable now that the intial shock has passed. Faith is so important in a person's recovery from whatever the strain they are going through and I am so glad to know that you are routed in faith as well. I wouldn't be here without it, I know that. All the best to you Floyd, keep us up to date on how you are doing. We are all here for you. Hugs, Blueroses.
  • blueroses
    blueroses Member Posts: 524
    zahalene said:

    Hey, guys
    I haven't posted in this thread since up near the top, but I just wanted to let you all know that I am reading all that has been said and crying and laughing and nodding yes and no here and there. But this morning something really cool happened. As most of you know, I live with my disabled dad and am kept pretty close to home most of the time. It can get a tad wearisome. But today I get the strongest feeling that I am sitting in a cozy room around a roaring fire (it's cold here!) in a big comfy chair and every one of you are here with me. Just chewin' the fat (as we say in Ark) and patting each other on the back of the hand in understanding or jumping up to give a hug and go for a fresh pot of coffee....u know? Makes me feel like my life is full-to-bustin'. Thanks friends. Zah

    I'm the one getting the coffees
    In your scenario there I volunteer to cyberally get the coffee for the group. I might add something to it from time to time (don't tell) on really rough days one of us is having. lol. That is the coolest thing, to all of a sudden get that picture. Sometimes when I am reading posts I do the same thing, acknowledge out loud or by a nod when someone says something I can personally relate to, which is indeed frequently. That image you just gave us is one I am going to use and keep if you don't mind for when you read these posts it is so amazing how validating it all is that sometimes you do feel like the person writing it is inside your space and dealing with what you do. Very cool image, thanks for sharing, I love it. P.S. I will bring snacks too and they won't be on the Weight Watchers diet, I promise. lol. Freshly baked cinnamon buns anyone? There now you can put a scent to that cozy scene too of the buns just baked. lol. Hugs Zah, hope you are well. Hugs, Blueroses.
  • Pnktopaz10
    Pnktopaz10 Member Posts: 56
    Letting Go
    Hi all
    I wanted to say that knowing about this board, reading and writing on it has been such a life saver for me. I have a wonderful husband who took great care of me~something that I am not sure I could have lived without. Since the end of my treatments he varies from expecting me to be the person that I was before to protecting me so much that if I do something around the house he gets upset. I do not know what to say to him. I know that he does not understand the depths of anguish we all have gone through with this disease and I pray that he never goes through it himself. I truly rely on this board to help me get through some days.
    What I would like to know is how to help him understand that I am not the same person and that I do need to be able to do things, when I feel that I can, that some days are good and some not so good? Thanks so much! Hugs, Pnktopaz10
  • blueroses
    blueroses Member Posts: 524

    Letting Go
    Hi all
    I wanted to say that knowing about this board, reading and writing on it has been such a life saver for me. I have a wonderful husband who took great care of me~something that I am not sure I could have lived without. Since the end of my treatments he varies from expecting me to be the person that I was before to protecting me so much that if I do something around the house he gets upset. I do not know what to say to him. I know that he does not understand the depths of anguish we all have gone through with this disease and I pray that he never goes through it himself. I truly rely on this board to help me get through some days.
    What I would like to know is how to help him understand that I am not the same person and that I do need to be able to do things, when I feel that I can, that some days are good and some not so good? Thanks so much! Hugs, Pnktopaz10

    That's a tough one Pink but...
    What you are talking about regardless of who it is who doesn't understand what we are going through post treatment, even lonnnggggg after, is basically due to lack of information about this area of cancer. Media and physicians alike often portray us as only having to live with cancer and its more obvious effects (like people who are in wheelchairs because of it, stuff like that - visible disabilities. When anyone has invisible disabilities due to cancer like fatigue or neuropathies it's harder for people to believe what they can't see. It is also a fact that it is more popular for cancer survivors to be strong and once over the treatments thats it, to the majority who havent been touched by it personally. I think the best thing you could do to help him understand is to pick out some postings on this board from we survivors who have and still are struggling with all of these things so he can see that you are not the only one. Also if that doesnt work or for some other reason you don't like that idea then I would look for a good cancer therapist who does work with cancer patients and their families. Even a very good grief therapist would probably help as that is really what he is struggling with, loss of how he used to see you and what expectations he used to have for you and now doesn't know where to put all of that grief and probably anger and all the stages of loss he too has experienced. Hope some of that helps. Hugs, Blueroses.

    P.S. I forgot to mention that I was in your position when I was married as that is when my first diagnosis took place and through the bone marrow transplant and years after as well, I was just divorced about 5 or 6 years ago. The point is that since it all was so long ago my ex to this day has no idea of all I go through and the after effects of most of my medical issues from the treatments as most after effects have just come to light as being treatment related for some of them. If he tries to reduce my alimony though he will find out pretty quick, lol. Surprise. lol. Just thought I would add that similarity so that you would know that you arent alone in this.
  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    blueroses said:

    I'm the one getting the coffees
    In your scenario there I volunteer to cyberally get the coffee for the group. I might add something to it from time to time (don't tell) on really rough days one of us is having. lol. That is the coolest thing, to all of a sudden get that picture. Sometimes when I am reading posts I do the same thing, acknowledge out loud or by a nod when someone says something I can personally relate to, which is indeed frequently. That image you just gave us is one I am going to use and keep if you don't mind for when you read these posts it is so amazing how validating it all is that sometimes you do feel like the person writing it is inside your space and dealing with what you do. Very cool image, thanks for sharing, I love it. P.S. I will bring snacks too and they won't be on the Weight Watchers diet, I promise. lol. Freshly baked cinnamon buns anyone? There now you can put a scent to that cozy scene too of the buns just baked. lol. Hugs Zah, hope you are well. Hugs, Blueroses.

    Oooooo.....
    can I have lots of that gooey white icing on mine?
  • Dreamdove
    Dreamdove Member Posts: 175 Member
    blueroses said:

    Mother/Daughter shtuff
    Wow that was unreal Dream cause my Mum did all of that too. Woah. I thought I was reading about my relationship with my Mum during the last year or so of her life. My Mum used to get things wrong I was trying to say and alot of dead silence. Later though I wonder if maybe she was failing in some ways, like her hearing and that is what it was all about but I guess I will never know. Does your Mum have Altzheimers? I went through lots of criticism with my Mum too, interesting. Try and ignore her idiocyncracies though if you at all can, you will be glad you did in time. It's hard I know though because when we are sick ourselves we need, and in fact expect, our Mommies to take care of us even yet and when they are not available through failing mental and physical issues it is very hard for us to understand. I felt just like you do now when I was dealing with it too but now that I am without her then maybe being able to help you with all of this through the rest of your time with her might, hopefully, be a bit easier.

    As far as you kids are concerned I realized awhile ago that my kids are probably still struggling with my health in their own way even yet so I'm doing my best to not expect them to understand too much about what I go through. I am not saying you are doin However I did at one time and now that neither of them live with me because they are away at university and starting their own lives in other provinces I can see things more clearly. But in many ways I felt the same way you do now. Have you taken the kids to a counsellor with you to talk about your illness, espcially the 14 year old? That might help you all a bit. Just a suggestion. Take care, Blueroses.

    Very hard to see my mother slipping away from me
    Blueroses, I know my mother won't be around much longer--I can feel it. I've had to start letting go. I really don't run to her with all my problems anymore. I can tell she is having trouble understanding what I am talking about. She gets confused very easily and I don't always talk slow enough for her. No, I wouldn't say she has Altzheimers but her brain processes are definitely slowing down. Her mother had it and also one of her sisters. But her doctor told her that her mind is still sharp. She did go thru chemo over 20 years ago for breast cancer. I know my mother will go before me because for years I have had this dream where she is always waiting for me at the train station. One time (quite awhile back) she told me about dreams she has sometimes where she is at a train station waiting for me! Then I told her about my dreams. As far as my 14 year old, she was 12 when I was diagnosed and the school must have found out about it somehow that I was in the hospital. The guidance councelor called her to her office and wanted her to come to see her to discuss the issues but she refused. Actually, I think she has learned to deal with it on her own. I used to feel hurt that she wasn't sensitive to what I was going thru but she was only 12. Monday she had 6 teeth pulled so she herself has been going thru some issues and I've had to help her. Hopefully, having that experience will make her realize that it isn't easy for anybody to have health problems (or teeth problems!) She experienced bleeding, pain, and chipmonk cheeks. I had to nurse her quite abit the first day. I got her special drinks and foods, kept giving her fresh gauze for the bleeding, gave her pills and drinks to help her swallow them, etc. I was in Wal-mart last night with my 22-year old and I forgot what I was going to look for next because I got distracted. She was like wow how could you forget that? But I had to remind her about the chemo and then she said that's right: chemo-brain.