Mental Issues

2

Comments

  • lizbiz
    lizbiz Member Posts: 120
    Hi Beth,
    I completely

    Hi Beth,

    I completely understand what you're feeling. I've been on Zoloft for about 7 years now and I can't cope without it. I too have asked why me. I've pondered the thought of being told to "get my affairs in order" and what my response would be..."I'm only 33 - I have no affairs yet"!!!! I'm working hard now on the survival aspect of this disease - I juice, stay active and take my mushroom pills daily. I'm focused on living well into my elderly days.

    Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.
    Elizabeth
  • dorookie
    dorookie Member Posts: 1,731 Member
    msccolon said:

    I am so sorry
    Beth, you need to speak to a counselor and like yesterday! I know when my ex was dealing WELL with his depression, it was only when he was using the meds in combo with a counselor. When he decided he didn't need the counselor anymore (because she told him he need to make some changes he didn't want to make) he started going back down hill again. You need to get all that festering stuff out in the open before they kill you! Please make a call today! You might need to speak with the psychiatrist about a dosage and/or med change as well.
    mary

    Counselor
    Yes your right, and I am in the process of finding one that I can go and talk with. I do need the help because I cant seem to get over this myself. Wish I could just SNAP OUT OF IT, LOL, sure wish it were that easy. I just keep trying to get by each day hoping things get better. Trying to find some inner peace.

    Thanks for all the post, everyone here is so great, just love you guys! If it wasnt for this group I would probably be in a looney ben by now. Thanks again to everyone!

    God Bless
    Beth
  • dorookie
    dorookie Member Posts: 1,731 Member
    krystiesq said:

    Dear Beth, snap out of it.
    Dear Beth, snap out of it. Don't you wish that would work. I find myself laughing at my dad sometimes. He tells my mom to snap out of it all the time as if there is just this magical switch that changes one's perspective. Truth of the matter is, I can only give you advice that is through my experiences and not clinical or professional advice. I know it's not ok to go about your day like you are, but it is ok to admit sometin' ain't right here... and try to find answers. Like everyone else has said above, time to see the doc. You're not weak for feeling this way, just as you are none the weaker for having cancer. We don't get to pick our ailments, but God can and we must trust him.

    I know I was in a cloud of dark funk when my mom was diagnosed and for the impending months ahead I knew we would face. However, it became evident to me that I had to take care of myself, if not for me for her. I kept really busy. At that time I was working full time as in house counsel, part time with my own practice, taking care of my mom on nights and weekends and planning a wedding. But there is a kicker here, I used it all to avoid dealing with my emotions and I would come home and crash and burn sometimes, to the point I was wallowing in self-pity. I did not seek professional assistance, though my now husband called me a ball of axiety and told me I should many times. I channeled my anger and anxiety in other ways...i trained for triathalons, I quit taking on so much and I let myself feel my emotions.

    Leave it to the professionals to figure you out. This too shall pass.

    peace

    It didnt work
    I snapped and snapped it just didnt work. But I tried it. You can tell your dad it doesnt work. LOL Thank you for your post, yes something aint right and I need to fix it or get it fixed, so that is what I am working on. I pray this will pass!
    God Bless
    Beth
  • dorookie
    dorookie Member Posts: 1,731 Member
    lisa42 said:

    I care!
    Hi Beth,

    As so many others have mentioned, do not put off any longer going to your doctor to up and/or change the antidepressants! Ask for a referral to a counselor or a local cancer support group. This is definitely a great website for that, but you need to meet with a professional or someone in person!
    I know you have mentioned your faith in God in other posts, so I know it's there! It's likely that this may be a time of doubting for you and feeling like you don't hear or "feel" God- am I right? Cry out to Him, as you probably already have, but keep doing it- He IS there and loves you. I am praying for you right now that God will give you peace and comfort and take away this cloud of depression. To be on meds for it certainly doesn't mean you have a lack of faith in God for it, either. I believe it would be foolish not to take advantage of medications that are available- please do follow through on that.
    I, too, had a recurrence after just 3 months and had a hard time. I believed (and still believe) that I had a miracle with my major rectal tumor disappearing and with the rest of my body reacting so well to the chemo that I was considered NED. My question and feelings of anger/frustration with God were, "God, if you gave me a miracle before, why in the world would you let the cancer start growing back again?!" I don't believe it's unChristian to sometimes question God. Honestly, I never got an answer for this question, but I did receive a peace about it finally. Certainly, I'm not thrilled about it- it's a major, major bummer! But, I know that God has the ultimate plan for me in mind, even if I can't understand it one it right now! I do trust in Him.
    Beth, I'm not giving up on you and I KNOW God isn't either!
    Take care- cry out to the Lord and go get your medication adjusted and seek a counselor or group for support- like TODAY! We're all your cheerleaders- "Go, go, go- you can do it!!!!"

    Hugs,
    Lisa

    How
    How did you come to find peace about what was happening to you? I pray for that but cant seem to find it or receive it, ya know? I am not giving up either, just need a little boost to keep me going. THank you so much for your post and for caring.
    God BLess
    Beth
  • dorookie
    dorookie Member Posts: 1,731 Member
    Buzzard said:

    Beth
    I did reply to you asking how I kept my faith and how it stayed so strong ...Its in VickiCOs thread where you ask me that question....my reply to this one is.....you have not fully turned it over to God yet....When my life started dwindling and spiraling he was the only one that would take all the pain and trouble away. I let him have it. I have never worried about how long I was going to live since the day I did it. I get sick, I puke my guts out sometimes, but ya know what ? when I do I always feel better and ready to go again...
    Go see your Dr and tell him Buzzard said that you need some more meds for depression, or have him up your dosage. He will until you find yourself not thinking or dwelling on it as much. Beth, I think about my cancer every single day......when it gets to be to much I find my hidie hole and cry, I'm not talking about a little cry, Im talking bawling , I never do anything halfway....but I never do it in front of my children. My wife knows when Im needing some My time but the kids don't understand it so they never see it. Its human, survival instinct is also human. Yep, why me? I have 4 children 4-6-14- and 23....why me ? who knows.......yep, He does and in time He'll let me know also......My bet is that He saw 4 children that needed a Dad to guide them through this life.....I was always there for them but never was really there if you get my drift. The Man upstairs really got my attention, I sure am glad He did.....I owe Him everything..........God Bless ya hun....

    Your are so right
    How do you fully turn it over to God, how does one do that if he/she has control issues? I dont mean to sound stupid here, because I am serious, how do you fully turn it over? I want so badly for him to take all this away from me and for me to get back on a better path, one that will lead me to a cure. Or at least a better quailty of life while I am here.

    I always used to say, as long as God let me live till my daughter was 18 so that she could take care of herself and I would know she was okay, then thats all I asked. Well she turns 18 in 10 months, and guess what I am not ready to go, so did I lie to God? I am guessing I did and maybe he is planning on making me stick to what I said? I am scared and I dont want to die now. I want to see my grandkids, I want to finish my career, I want to retire and help people along the way, is that asking to much? I know what your going to say Buzzard, that those are my plans and may not be God's plan RIGHT?

    I just feel so lost and scared and not in control of anything really. I am going to go see my daughter tomorrow for a few days. I really want to spend some time with her. Hopefuly that will help.

    Buzzard, you are such an inspiration to me, I love reading your post, you have the best attitude and outlook. Thanks for being here!

    THANKS TO ALL THAT RESPONDED, IT TRULY MEANS ALOT TO ME!
    God BLess ALL
    Beth
  • captainhop
    captainhop Member Posts: 156
    BETH
    Just ask God to listen to your heart, honey. HE already knows what you want....and maybe right now there's only one set of footprints in the sand because he's carrying you and you don't realize it. You're just human/normal like the rest of us so please don't think this is a weakness if your faith.
    As so many others have mentioned.....DO NOT WAIT on this....get your meds adjusted, or maybe a new med. Explain exactly how you're feeling to your Team Member/Doctor. And, some one on one therapy won't hurt a bit.
    We all love you, Beth, and are praying for you. We WILL NOT give up on you and neither will God. He loves you so much, Beth.
    HANG IN THERE AND F I G H T ! !

    Wind at your back and Angels around you, dear one.
    Love,
    Marygale
  • captainhop
    captainhop Member Posts: 156
    dorookie said:

    Your are so right
    How do you fully turn it over to God, how does one do that if he/she has control issues? I dont mean to sound stupid here, because I am serious, how do you fully turn it over? I want so badly for him to take all this away from me and for me to get back on a better path, one that will lead me to a cure. Or at least a better quailty of life while I am here.

    I always used to say, as long as God let me live till my daughter was 18 so that she could take care of herself and I would know she was okay, then thats all I asked. Well she turns 18 in 10 months, and guess what I am not ready to go, so did I lie to God? I am guessing I did and maybe he is planning on making me stick to what I said? I am scared and I dont want to die now. I want to see my grandkids, I want to finish my career, I want to retire and help people along the way, is that asking to much? I know what your going to say Buzzard, that those are my plans and may not be God's plan RIGHT?

    I just feel so lost and scared and not in control of anything really. I am going to go see my daughter tomorrow for a few days. I really want to spend some time with her. Hopefuly that will help.

    Buzzard, you are such an inspiration to me, I love reading your post, you have the best attitude and outlook. Thanks for being here!

    THANKS TO ALL THAT RESPONDED, IT TRULY MEANS ALOT TO ME!
    God BLess ALL
    Beth

    BETH
    No sweetie, you didn't lie to GOD.....you simply changed your mind.....Don't you remember....as women, we have that right....just a little humor here....
    In all sincerity, GOD understands.

    Luv,
    Marytgale
  • dorookie
    dorookie Member Posts: 1,731 Member

    BETH
    No sweetie, you didn't lie to GOD.....you simply changed your mind.....Don't you remember....as women, we have that right....just a little humor here....
    In all sincerity, GOD understands.

    Luv,
    Marytgale

    LOL
    Sure hope your right. Yes I changed my mind, I just hope God will agree with me. Thanks so much for your comments and support. I hope Hop is doing well, please tell him I am praying for him and you as well.

    God Bless
    Beth
  • lisa42
    lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625 Member
    you're okay
    Hi Beth,

    I just wanted to encourage you to not be so hard on yourself. Guess what? God knew before you even said it that you'd change your mind. You probably will again, too, as will many others of us. Look to the Bible characters for examples of how special many of them were considered in God's eyes, yet they certainly had major faults and often questioned God, too. Look at David and the whole book of Psalms- David was flip flopping all over the place in his emotions and thoughts, yet he was blessed and protected by God. Look at Peter in the New Testament- he denied knowing Jesus before Jesus was arrested- even told Jesus at the last supper that he'd never deny him, but then he certainly did. Not exactly comparable to your situation in that way, but my point is that our heavenly Father God doesn't turn people away just because they're sad, angry, in denial, or are disobedient! He's very forgiving and very accepting! His love for you will never stop!
    I know you'll be okay- even your process of talking it out with others and sharing with others on this board is part of working through things and getting through it all.
    So far as "making it until your daughter turns 18"- you have, thank God! That certainly doesn't mean God's going to take your life right now. He knew what you meant by what you said! I've plead the same things- my kids are younger, so I still have a ways to go, though. Sometimes I find myself thinking about when the kids are older, the type of grandma I'll be someday, then find myself thinking, "wait a minute, I might not even be here to be a grandma". Then I scold myself for thinking that, because I enjoy feeling the freedom to think in those terms for a while- it's like I temporarily forget about the cancer while I'm thinking about being a grandma someday! None of us always do and think the way we should always- that's because we're imperfect humans! My motto lately is "Taking one day at a time and getting through it all by God's wonderful grace".

    You take care Beth-
    Lisa
  • CherylHutch
    CherylHutch Member Posts: 1,375
    dorookie said:

    Your are so right
    How do you fully turn it over to God, how does one do that if he/she has control issues? I dont mean to sound stupid here, because I am serious, how do you fully turn it over? I want so badly for him to take all this away from me and for me to get back on a better path, one that will lead me to a cure. Or at least a better quailty of life while I am here.

    I always used to say, as long as God let me live till my daughter was 18 so that she could take care of herself and I would know she was okay, then thats all I asked. Well she turns 18 in 10 months, and guess what I am not ready to go, so did I lie to God? I am guessing I did and maybe he is planning on making me stick to what I said? I am scared and I dont want to die now. I want to see my grandkids, I want to finish my career, I want to retire and help people along the way, is that asking to much? I know what your going to say Buzzard, that those are my plans and may not be God's plan RIGHT?

    I just feel so lost and scared and not in control of anything really. I am going to go see my daughter tomorrow for a few days. I really want to spend some time with her. Hopefuly that will help.

    Buzzard, you are such an inspiration to me, I love reading your post, you have the best attitude and outlook. Thanks for being here!

    THANKS TO ALL THAT RESPONDED, IT TRULY MEANS ALOT TO ME!
    God BLess ALL
    Beth

    Hey my friend!
    Yep... we are all friends here even though we haven't met in person! And, as friends, it's totally alright to have differences of opinion or different ways of viewing the world and our roles in it. I'll leave the discussion/advice about how to turn things over to God to those who are more in tune with faith and religion, so you won't get a sermon from me on that ;)

    BUT (now, did you really think I would just type one paragraph and be on my way?? LOL!), I do have one itty bitty bit of advice that I would love for you to try. Either order it from Amazon.com or go to your local bookstore and pick up a cope of Bernie S. Siegel's "Love, Medicine and Miracles". Seriously, it is incredibly inspirational and I really do think it's right down your alley. He does talk about God to some degree in it, but more important, he talks about the "exceptional patient"... the patient who has the drive and will and DESIRE to LIVE... and how these patients have literally done the impossible... healed themselves from within. It's not a matter of just giving "lip service" and saying, "I want to live... now somebody fix me"... you actually have to have that burning desire inside you (I call it the soul) that death is not an option for you at this time in your life.

    Obviously, I can't speak for everyone... there are those who are ready to die and are quite peaceful with that decision. They feel they've had a good life (or not a good life which is one reason they are ready to let go of this one) and if it's their time to go, then so be it. There are others who say they don't want to die, they are terrified of dying, yet they do not do anything to "live"... they count each day as "how long before this disease kills me? There's no point me starting anything because I'm only going to die. I don't want to die... but this disease is going to kill me". Then, there are those of us who say, "Well, all these treatments, surgeries, doctors' visits, etc. are a pain in the butt... and terribly inconvenient because I have friends to see, events to plan, projects to tackle, new friends to meet and I haven't completed the purpose in my life yet. Heck, I'm not even sure WHAT the purpose I'm suppose to complete is, I just know I haven't completed it yet... so, tally-ho, of course I'll do everything I need to do to keep me alive, but I also have to fit in my living too because I have soooo much I want to do!!"

    Attitude CAN make all the difference in the world and Dr. Bernie Siegel explains things like why we don't have all the proof written in medical journals about just how important our inner drive is... and the stories he has are so inspirational!

    I'm not saying this book (or any book) will cure you of your current anger/depression. I do think that your system has had a shock of a lifetime and that shock has created a chemical imbalance which in turn causes the symptoms of anger, depression and despair. The fix for that is fairly simple... work with your doctors and get the right meds to put those chemicals back in balance. But reading this book will give you hope where you had despair, inspiration where you felt you had no control. If you read the book and feel absolutely nothing, then you are only out a couple of dollars... but I think you will get a lot from the book.

    Huggggggs,

    Cheryl
  • 2bhealed
    2bhealed Member Posts: 2,064 Member

    Welcome to my world :)
    Hehehe PolarPrincess! Welcome to my world... this is what I have been saying without starting a whole topic/discussion because I didn't want to offend those who have a strong belief in traditional religions. If I were to go off on a tangent about the Laws of Attraction, "you are what you think", "what you put out there in the universe in the way of thought, you receive tenfold", "what you can do when illness or tragedy strikes, with thought and visualization", etc., I could see this getting into a huge argument about religion vs any other thoughts. So, I do play low key here... it's not worth it to me to upset anyone, or even make them question what they have strong beliefs in. I figure, whatever works and gets you through this journey, then that is great... I just go about it in a different way than the "norm".

    But Dr. Bernie Siegel has some wonderful explanations and ideas that truly are inspiring. And I also love the writings of Deepak Chopra.

    I figure things are going really well if one can live a happy, peaceful life full of hope the majority of the time... and when there are those times that you are scared, or start questioning yourself because of something a doctor(s) has said to you... well, we are human and it doesn't hurt to remember that now and again :)

    Hugggggs,

    Cheryl

    Alternative Med/soup recipes
    Hi Cheryl!

    I got so excited when you posted that wonderful long answer with recipes on the alternative med thread but I was at work and my break time was up. Then life got in the way and I never went back to it, but I had really wanted to respond. You had brought up some really good points that I wanted to address and add to. Now I think I need to revisit that post. (and right now my little one is patiently waiting for me to get off the computer so I can put her to bed!!!)

    I totally agree about what kind of energy you put out there.

    After that thread I looked for you on Facebook to discuss stuff other than cancer issues....didn't find you there though. bummer.

    Beth, I agree with a lot of what PP said. I also want to address your feelings too and highly recommend adding counseling to your cancer protocol as IMPERATIVE to healing. Cancer is a SYMPTOM of a deeper issue and it can take some digging to get to that issue. Cancer is a way of your body trying to get your attention for whatever reason.

    A really good read is Spontaneous Healing by Dr. Andrew Weil.

    The anger is so natural. There is a time of grieving through this as well. On some level we are grieving our loss of innocence. We are forced to look our mortality in the eye at a younger age and that can cause some resentment. Others without cancer have not had to do this and can go tra-la la-la through life. No FAIR we cry!

    Counseling was a big part of my healing. A BIG part.

    I hope this helps.

    peace, emily
  • dorookie
    dorookie Member Posts: 1,731 Member
    2bhealed said:

    Alternative Med/soup recipes
    Hi Cheryl!

    I got so excited when you posted that wonderful long answer with recipes on the alternative med thread but I was at work and my break time was up. Then life got in the way and I never went back to it, but I had really wanted to respond. You had brought up some really good points that I wanted to address and add to. Now I think I need to revisit that post. (and right now my little one is patiently waiting for me to get off the computer so I can put her to bed!!!)

    I totally agree about what kind of energy you put out there.

    After that thread I looked for you on Facebook to discuss stuff other than cancer issues....didn't find you there though. bummer.

    Beth, I agree with a lot of what PP said. I also want to address your feelings too and highly recommend adding counseling to your cancer protocol as IMPERATIVE to healing. Cancer is a SYMPTOM of a deeper issue and it can take some digging to get to that issue. Cancer is a way of your body trying to get your attention for whatever reason.

    A really good read is Spontaneous Healing by Dr. Andrew Weil.

    The anger is so natural. There is a time of grieving through this as well. On some level we are grieving our loss of innocence. We are forced to look our mortality in the eye at a younger age and that can cause some resentment. Others without cancer have not had to do this and can go tra-la la-la through life. No FAIR we cry!

    Counseling was a big part of my healing. A BIG part.

    I hope this helps.

    peace, emily

    Yes it does
    I live in a small town and I have some friends trying to get together a cancer support group pretty much just for me and one other lady, so that will help as well. Also I am seeking an individual counselor as well. I agree there are issues I need to address and work through things besides the cancer I am sure. I have written down the book you mentioned and I am going to get it. I also want to get that book that Cheryl suggested too. I really appreciate your post and your support.

    Thank you so much
    God Bless
    Beth
  • msccolon
    msccolon Member Posts: 1,917 Member
    dorookie said:

    Your are so right
    How do you fully turn it over to God, how does one do that if he/she has control issues? I dont mean to sound stupid here, because I am serious, how do you fully turn it over? I want so badly for him to take all this away from me and for me to get back on a better path, one that will lead me to a cure. Or at least a better quailty of life while I am here.

    I always used to say, as long as God let me live till my daughter was 18 so that she could take care of herself and I would know she was okay, then thats all I asked. Well she turns 18 in 10 months, and guess what I am not ready to go, so did I lie to God? I am guessing I did and maybe he is planning on making me stick to what I said? I am scared and I dont want to die now. I want to see my grandkids, I want to finish my career, I want to retire and help people along the way, is that asking to much? I know what your going to say Buzzard, that those are my plans and may not be God's plan RIGHT?

    I just feel so lost and scared and not in control of anything really. I am going to go see my daughter tomorrow for a few days. I really want to spend some time with her. Hopefuly that will help.

    Buzzard, you are such an inspiration to me, I love reading your post, you have the best attitude and outlook. Thanks for being here!

    THANKS TO ALL THAT RESPONDED, IT TRULY MEANS ALOT TO ME!
    God BLess ALL
    Beth

    Perhaps an incorrect assumption
    You are making the assumption that you "struck an agreement" with God to be able to live until your daughter is 18 and ONLY until then. First of all, I don't believe God strikes deals with us. He loves us and he cares for us. You have survived this long because you are strong and you have a purpose. Your daughter will turn 18 and you will still be here, and if it is in His plan, you will be here when she turns 21 and 30 and on and on. I have over the years prayed that I see my daughter marry, I have. I prayed that I would see a grandchild and I have. I pray that I see my youngest marry, and I don't doubt that I will. I don't expect the journey to be easy, although I certainly will send up prayers of thanks if it IS easy! LOL! I send up prayers of thanks for every blessing I receive (at least I try to, I am human and I am not always perfect!). I was blessed to have my problem with insurance taken care of, although it had actually ALWAYS been taken care of. I just didn't realize it until that letter came in showing me that I qualified for renewal of my CHCBP as long as I need it! God knew all along that my concern was taken care of, and I am sure He wished that I trusted more and worried less. That is my need; to trust more and worry less. Beth, you are strong and you can do it. Get the help you need so you can focus on the important things again! Life is to be enjoyed not endured!
    mary
  • 2bhealed
    2bhealed Member Posts: 2,064 Member
    msccolon said:

    Perhaps an incorrect assumption
    You are making the assumption that you "struck an agreement" with God to be able to live until your daughter is 18 and ONLY until then. First of all, I don't believe God strikes deals with us. He loves us and he cares for us. You have survived this long because you are strong and you have a purpose. Your daughter will turn 18 and you will still be here, and if it is in His plan, you will be here when she turns 21 and 30 and on and on. I have over the years prayed that I see my daughter marry, I have. I prayed that I would see a grandchild and I have. I pray that I see my youngest marry, and I don't doubt that I will. I don't expect the journey to be easy, although I certainly will send up prayers of thanks if it IS easy! LOL! I send up prayers of thanks for every blessing I receive (at least I try to, I am human and I am not always perfect!). I was blessed to have my problem with insurance taken care of, although it had actually ALWAYS been taken care of. I just didn't realize it until that letter came in showing me that I qualified for renewal of my CHCBP as long as I need it! God knew all along that my concern was taken care of, and I am sure He wished that I trusted more and worried less. That is my need; to trust more and worry less. Beth, you are strong and you can do it. Get the help you need so you can focus on the important things again! Life is to be enjoyed not endured!
    mary

    SO TRUE!!!
    God knew all along that my concern was taken care of, and I am sure He wished that I trusted more and worried less. That is my need; to trust more and worry less.




    I am going to put this on a sticky note on my computer to remind me every day!

    Thanks for framing it just so.

    peace, emily
  • 2bhealed
    2bhealed Member Posts: 2,064 Member
    dorookie said:

    Yes it does
    I live in a small town and I have some friends trying to get together a cancer support group pretty much just for me and one other lady, so that will help as well. Also I am seeking an individual counselor as well. I agree there are issues I need to address and work through things besides the cancer I am sure. I have written down the book you mentioned and I am going to get it. I also want to get that book that Cheryl suggested too. I really appreciate your post and your support.

    Thank you so much
    God Bless
    Beth

    check it out
    hi Beth,

    I addressed the emotional aspect of colon cancer in the Alternative Medicine thread too. It's all connected. It may shed some light on the issue.



    peace, emily
  • captainhop
    captainhop Member Posts: 156
    ATTN: BETH
    I have no idea why, but I was "drawn" to send you an email. You've been on my mind all day now, so what the heck is going on with you?

    Ya know, there have been so many people as of the past 3 days, telling us to expect a MIRACLE, so that's where we're geared right now. I'm wondering if you concentrated hard enough and prayed for a Miracle concerning your emotions right now, if you might not find one.

    Like I said, I don't know why, but for some reason I was supposed to talk to ya. Hope I haven't taken up unnecessary space.

    Thinking of you and wishing
    you many Blessings,

    Marygale
  • rrob
    rrob Member Posts: 158
    Cancer's mind games
    Beth,

    I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. When I was diagnosed in Oct. 07, I was so scared, so desparate, so angry. I couldn't stand to be by myself, I couldn't sleep at night, and I felt like I was about to break into a million pieces. One night, it was late and I was awake and so alone and so, so scared. I prayed to God to please send my guardian angel to watch over me. Believe it or not, that night as I finally fell asleep, I felt as though I were cradled in someone's arms and I slept through the entire night peacefully. And no, I hadn't taken any meds! In my eyes, this was God's way of comforting me and letting me know that he would be with me every step and that I could lean on him when I needed. Lots of times I forget that and struggle with being in control and making things work out my way. Okay, enough said.

    Now, you and I have posted about Stage iv before, so here's the latest. On Dec. 8, I had a colonoscopy. In my original surgeries, we weren't able to remove the flat lesion that started the problem. So I had 6 mos of FOLFOX w/Avastin. After my scope, my gastro told me there was no sign of any lesion, that my colon looked absolutely normal, healthy, and he couldn't even tell where the lesion had been. That chemo is an awesome miracle!

    Then on Dec. 12, I went in for surgery to remove the original area in my sigmoid colon and part of my rectum where the cancer originated. My oncologist wanted the surgery; my surgeon was more inclined to wait and see. I decided if this gave me any chance to avoid a recurrance, go for it. So I had my surgery laprascopically and went home on the 16th. My surgeon had a pathologist in the OR who examined the area removed and said it looked absolutely normal. The path reports on the colon, the mesentary, and the 7 nodes they removed showed NED.

    On Dec. 30, I had my PET scan. I saw my oncologist Friday, Jan 9th, for results. Let me preface this by saying that all along I have been telling my onc that I was going to be his victory and that in 10 years, I would be cheering on his new patients and telling them they could be victories, too. I just could not get him on board; he was too grounded in the realities and I believe was afraid to give me false hope. So Friday morning, he came in and said my PET showed NED with the only areas of inflammation in the incision and resection sites. He then told me he has been reading the book "Anti-Cancer," which made him think of me. He actually told me that he believes that I am going to be one of his patients that beats this--now how awesome is that!

    Now here's the part I really want you to hear. The last week I have been very depressed because it is really hard to wrap my mind around the statistics sometimes. And how stupid is it to be depressed when I've had such good news lately?! So when I went to see my oncologist and he said those words to me, I swear it was like a message straight from God--get my chin up off the ground, count my blessings, and keep on fighting! So you go see a counselor, see your doctor, get your meds upped, cause we are in this for the long haul. I am going to beat this and so are you! We are not going to let statistics drag us down--we are not average and we are not going to be average. Email me if you want, post and I'll answer, but just remember, we are going to fight every step of the way. Now, here's one last little thing that has helped me. I see a counselor once a month. One day he told me it was okay to have a pity party, I deserved it. I told him if I walked out of his office and got hit by a car, I had sure wasted some good time feeling sorry for myself. So on the days that I am really down, I have a good cry and the get back up and thank God for the fact that I'm here right now with everything I love (and a lot of things I don't like at all-LOL).

    Sorry this is so long, but I believe!

    Rebecca
  • msccolon
    msccolon Member Posts: 1,917 Member
    2bhealed said:

    SO TRUE!!!
    God knew all along that my concern was taken care of, and I am sure He wished that I trusted more and worried less. That is my need; to trust more and worry less.




    I am going to put this on a sticky note on my computer to remind me every day!

    Thanks for framing it just so.

    peace, emily

    you're sweet!
    And it helps to know i'm not the only stubborn one out here!
    mary
  • Buzzard
    Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043 Member
    dorookie said:

    Your are so right
    How do you fully turn it over to God, how does one do that if he/she has control issues? I dont mean to sound stupid here, because I am serious, how do you fully turn it over? I want so badly for him to take all this away from me and for me to get back on a better path, one that will lead me to a cure. Or at least a better quailty of life while I am here.

    I always used to say, as long as God let me live till my daughter was 18 so that she could take care of herself and I would know she was okay, then thats all I asked. Well she turns 18 in 10 months, and guess what I am not ready to go, so did I lie to God? I am guessing I did and maybe he is planning on making me stick to what I said? I am scared and I dont want to die now. I want to see my grandkids, I want to finish my career, I want to retire and help people along the way, is that asking to much? I know what your going to say Buzzard, that those are my plans and may not be God's plan RIGHT?

    I just feel so lost and scared and not in control of anything really. I am going to go see my daughter tomorrow for a few days. I really want to spend some time with her. Hopefuly that will help.

    Buzzard, you are such an inspiration to me, I love reading your post, you have the best attitude and outlook. Thanks for being here!

    THANKS TO ALL THAT RESPONDED, IT TRULY MEANS ALOT TO ME!
    God BLess ALL
    Beth

    Control Issues
    I am/was the worst about control. I had everything I thought the way it needed to be. Oh, life is great......BOOM....along comes Mr Cancer and takes all control away. All control... Im lost, I have lost all sense of anything, I have fell into a trap I set for myself and I have no way out. I set myself up for failure by not allowing myself to have faith in a stronger being. I have turned my life completely upside down because of my stubbornness to always want to be in complete control when all the time I never controlled anything.
    You have found out as all of us in here have that you can't control anything, you can only make the calls as to what you want to happen in your course through life and God will adjust as He sees fit. I like you have children I want to see grow up, Im sure we all do.
    You make the assumption that I am going to say that no matter what your plans are, Gods plans will take over. Yep, thats what I would normally say, but have you ever thought that if you turned it all over to him that 1/2 of your depression would be gone because you will have relieved yourself of worrying about what will happen to you. You see where I am going here ? Recovery and NED are a lot of what you do for yourself and a lot of what God does to adjust the paths you take. You turn your troubles over to Him and half of your depression problems are gone. The other half allow the meds to take care of. He will guide you through all of it if you let Him.
    Its Gods plan to love and nuture and care for every living human as long as the impardonable sin does not happen, to be blasphemous to God. To never allow Him in your life. Beth, you want Him in your life but aren't sure how to really turn it fully over to Him.....All you have to do is ask and be sincere in doing so, its that simple...all you have to do is ask.......He will take it from you immediately, immediately, and then you have to allow Him to keep it, because wanting it back only tells Him that your still not sure....Beth, you and I are alot alike, we both are control freaks, But lets face it, neither one of us ever controlled anything at all, we just thought we did. If you ask God this afternoon to take your burdens away and actually let Him have them you will feel the calmness that everything will be OK from then on. Allow life to go on as usual but live each day, don't exist, live. You have a long life ahead of you as I do. Our loved ones as well as our children deserve to see smiles all the time. We all die sweetie, its inevitable, but its how we live that matters. Forget the cancer, use it as a tool to make you closer to the people that love you. Can't you see how much more precious life is now than you thought it was 6 months ago ? Shame we don't find out a lot sooner, our lives would be so much more fun.
    When I visit my friends or my family anymore we never talk about cancer and death as one. We talk about cancer and then maybe what we're gonna do next year as a family. I don't deal in months or days or years prognosis of my time here on earth. I gave that to my God to determine. I will enjoy my time here on earth be it a day or 100 years.
    Talk to Him tonight....you might be surprised how you feel. I'll be right there with ya hun........God Bless ya.....ya just gotta trust Him.....What do you have to lose ?
  • captainhop
    captainhop Member Posts: 156
    Buzzard said:

    Control Issues
    I am/was the worst about control. I had everything I thought the way it needed to be. Oh, life is great......BOOM....along comes Mr Cancer and takes all control away. All control... Im lost, I have lost all sense of anything, I have fell into a trap I set for myself and I have no way out. I set myself up for failure by not allowing myself to have faith in a stronger being. I have turned my life completely upside down because of my stubbornness to always want to be in complete control when all the time I never controlled anything.
    You have found out as all of us in here have that you can't control anything, you can only make the calls as to what you want to happen in your course through life and God will adjust as He sees fit. I like you have children I want to see grow up, Im sure we all do.
    You make the assumption that I am going to say that no matter what your plans are, Gods plans will take over. Yep, thats what I would normally say, but have you ever thought that if you turned it all over to him that 1/2 of your depression would be gone because you will have relieved yourself of worrying about what will happen to you. You see where I am going here ? Recovery and NED are a lot of what you do for yourself and a lot of what God does to adjust the paths you take. You turn your troubles over to Him and half of your depression problems are gone. The other half allow the meds to take care of. He will guide you through all of it if you let Him.
    Its Gods plan to love and nuture and care for every living human as long as the impardonable sin does not happen, to be blasphemous to God. To never allow Him in your life. Beth, you want Him in your life but aren't sure how to really turn it fully over to Him.....All you have to do is ask and be sincere in doing so, its that simple...all you have to do is ask.......He will take it from you immediately, immediately, and then you have to allow Him to keep it, because wanting it back only tells Him that your still not sure....Beth, you and I are alot alike, we both are control freaks, But lets face it, neither one of us ever controlled anything at all, we just thought we did. If you ask God this afternoon to take your burdens away and actually let Him have them you will feel the calmness that everything will be OK from then on. Allow life to go on as usual but live each day, don't exist, live. You have a long life ahead of you as I do. Our loved ones as well as our children deserve to see smiles all the time. We all die sweetie, its inevitable, but its how we live that matters. Forget the cancer, use it as a tool to make you closer to the people that love you. Can't you see how much more precious life is now than you thought it was 6 months ago ? Shame we don't find out a lot sooner, our lives would be so much more fun.
    When I visit my friends or my family anymore we never talk about cancer and death as one. We talk about cancer and then maybe what we're gonna do next year as a family. I don't deal in months or days or years prognosis of my time here on earth. I gave that to my God to determine. I will enjoy my time here on earth be it a day or 100 years.
    Talk to Him tonight....you might be surprised how you feel. I'll be right there with ya hun........God Bless ya.....ya just gotta trust Him.....What do you have to lose ?

    BUZZARD
    BRAVO, BRAVO, BRAVE BUZZARD.........WELL PUT MY FRIEND ! !

    Marygale