Kids and cancer- deadly combo?

terato said:

Former President Lyndon Johnson was once asked why he did not
actively campaign for Vice President Hubert Humphrey. Mr. Johnson responded with his customary candor, "How can you throw someone else a life-preserver, when you, yourself, are drowning?" Coping with cancer, and all that it involves physically, emotionally, financially, etc., often feels like drowning and without the emotional and material resources to spare to help those we may love who are, themselves, in need.

Holly, to become as strong as you are, your daughter will have to adapt to shouldering her own burdens and living her own life, as you have. 12-step programs have the saying, "Let go, and let God." "We" can't even control what are own bodies are doing to us, let alone what our family members do to themselves! Sure, your daughter is scared right now, but who isn't? It is no longer your responsibility to deal with her feelings. If a sitting president was unable to help his vice president win his party's nomination, how can you possibly deal with your daughter's situation? You have every right to feel overwhelmed. (Why is there is no such word as "whelmed"?)

Love and Courage!

Rick

hunpot said:

learn from mistakes
Holly,
being a young adolescent myself living with mom thinking i was right all the time i will give you a little insight, We learn from our mistakes and grow from them no matter what age but especially being young and PG.
I think you did the right thing by telling her to go elsewhere if she wouldnt grow up and chill out. It feels like you did the worst imaginable but in the end will make your daughter respect you even more may take her a few years but she will.
I was PG at age 18 lived with my mom and then when i had the baby she kicked me out she even called the cops on me cus i wouldnt leave. I thought i new it all back then was all about me. I hated her and didnt speak to her for a long time but as time went on I learned to believe she did what was best for me at the time and made me grow up and be responsible.

In the end 18 yrs later me and mom were the closest and we were best friends. When she got sick and i had to care for her and watch her die just made those times seem so pittiless. We as parents think we owe our children the world but as long as they have your love(and she knows you love her) she will realize some day especially when she has her own child you did what you had to do for yourself and others. You being sick needs to focus on yourself and getting better, its a struggle and fight with cancer so dont be ashamed at your daughters attitude and problems it could be hormones for now but she will realize soon, dont worry about her she will be fine and she will grow from this experience its all about yourself and staying strong so you dont get sick again.

Another short story is my brother inlaw age 26 lived with his parents and got his say (20th girlfriend he moved around alot) PG; parents were furious absolutley furious that he had no brains to take precautions this time and kicked him out of house when they found out so he went and lived with friends this day and friends that day he had nowhere to go girlfriends parents wouldn let him live there either(what a mistake he made) well she is now 8 months pregnant they have their own place and he hated his parents would ask us why mom and dad did this to him but he realizes now they made him grow up and be a man and take responsibilty for his actions and his new baby, hes not on best of terms with them but he does now why they did this and talks to them now.

So keep smiling she will come around it may take time and seem so long but just let her be, she will talk to friends and fmaily and maybe they will shead insight to her and make her realize and she will come back and apologize, for now have a good year and try to take care of YOU
tracy

blueroses said:

This is interesting
Hi Holly, I saw this heading and had to have a look at the postings because I have a similar problem with my daughter, not my son, but my daughter. They are 3 years apart in age, my daughter 20 and my son 23. My daughter and I moved away after my divorce and we were doing fine then she hit her teens and things went south fast between us. It's a really long story but her friends convinced her it was nuts to tell me EVERYTHING as I had tried to get her to do, talk to me about anything and everything, and that coupled with the fact I was sick and unable to do as much as I would like to have done with her plus who knows how many other factors caused incredible conflict and stress between us. She shut right down, wouldn't talk to me about anything then one night I get a call there was an accident and she had fallen and hit her head and was unconscious and I should come right away. Apparently when I asked what happened they said they couldn't be sure because she was making no sense because SHE WAS SO DRUNK !!!!!! WHAT???????????? I had no clue she was drinking at all - vodka apparently, you can't detect it as well and I didn't. I felt so stupid. Anywho from there she was okay that night but it was clear there was a bigger problem between us than I thought, I moved her away from this bad group of friends and got her into a good youth group but unfortunately it was an evangelical group that was quite extreme (her choice of evangelical not mine) and long story short I feel as if she threw me away and started to spend most of her time with her boyfriends family who were in the church. I have no idea what she told them about me but they didn't include me in anything they asked her to. She is quite an actress (acted as a child) so I can only imagin what she made up. Fast forward to 2 years later and she was doing nothing to help me and I didn't know it but my heart was failing so you can imagin how I was feeling physically. One Thanksgiving I managed to make a whole Thanksgiving dinner for just her and I and was putting it on the table and out she came from her bedroom, all dressed to go out, and I said 'hey where are you going dinner is on the table', to which she said 'she is going out with her boyfriends family and just left me there. To say my heart broke is putting it lightly. I had to be rushed to hospital about 2 months later and they had to do an emergency pacemaker surgery - that's how bad my heart was the last few years when she had been at her worst. It was so hard on me and doubtlessly on her too. Because she wasn't listening to me at all, taking orders from this other family as well, I had no choice but to reduce the stress and tell her that if she wanted to make her own rules she needed to have her own place. I tried to get her into residence at the University since he would be going there that year but she ignored me and found a room in one of the Pentecostal families homes where they had boarders. She was almost 18 when this happened. It just broke my heart but I would do no good to my daughter or son dead so I had to reduce the stress and it seemed freedom is what she wanted. I moved back to another province at that point knowing she was well taken care of, my ex was notified and jumped in with support but did ask her to come live with him but she refused. Since then she has come to visit once, still with the boyfriend and his family, and is treating his Mother like hers, it just is so hurtful I can't tell you but from your experiences I am sure you know what that's like. When she visits she has apologized to me twice for what she was like, she is maturing. Still she says things that put her boyfriends Mother where I should be and I die inside each time she does that.

Mother and daughter relationships are complex and often difficult at the best of times but when divorce and illness or just one enters the picture then it can get incredibly rocky it seems. I spoke with counsellors when we were having all the trouble, she refused to go with me at the time so I went alone, and the counsellors said that she may be latching on to a healthier Mother figure, not that she doesn't love me but because she is afraid of being left if we don't make it. Wow, that was hard to hear for alot of reasons as you can well imagin. The counsellor also said that since her brain is literally not matured yet she is incapable of lots of the emotions we as adults expect from loved ones, caring and nurturing and understanding - it's pretty much a selfish age even yet. Still, even knowing all of that, it was hard being treated so poorly by my own daughter and I wonder at that rationale that the counsellor had because you see some kids her age with sick parents and they can't do enough so I'm not sure of the reasoning at all for the disconnect that seems to happen sometimes between Mother and daughter.

She is emailing me now and again and sending Xmas gifts/birthday etc. but it sure isn't as close as it was and I wonder with this new Mother she has found, if it ever will be. To me this is worse than cancer, I had the bone marrow transplant for my family and now this has happened. I guess all I can say Holly is give it time, as someone else here has said. I have noticed a difference in her attitude as she matures but I hurt for her if something should happen to me before she really truly sees what REALLY occurred with us and won't be able to tell me. I want to get this solved between her and me NOW but time passes slowly sometimes regardless of ticking personal clocks.

I feel for what you went through Holly and this is interesting to see this topic when I truly felt it was only happening to me and maybe it was all my fault. Very interesting. Take care Holly and hopefully 2009 will find even a greater reconcilliation between the two of you and hopefully for me and my daughter. Hugs, Blueroses.

Girls