attitude change in friends and family

Hey Jamie,

Yeah, it's hard when folks begin to shift gears without telling anybody. It's unclear when or why they adopt this new perspective but it can be bothersome. Maybe you've (unknowingly) given off a "realistic" vibe that things can happen during times like surgery. Maybe it is a way for them to deal with the seriousness of things.

If I were you, I would just explain to them that your success with cancer indirectly hinges on the people surrounding you. When they give off the feeling that things might turn out bad, it's too easy for you to adopt that same feeling. Explain to them that you are a team. Also, maybe you are just a little hyper-sensitive since surgery time is drawing near and are taking things the wrong way. When your friends say you may not have another opportunity for the cruise, maybe because they're thinking work, family, etc, keeping you from going, not your health.

Stay strong, Jamie. Get through the surgery with flying colors, and continue to be successful in your fight against cancer.

You can do this!

Stacy

I know it's hard but just try to spend more time with the "positive" one....You have to BELIEVE and listening to negative people don't help. I do a an adorable auntie in Puerto Rico that once in a while will tell me...what ever your destiny is...you have to accepted, stage for is bad....blah, blah, blah....I always tell her....yeah auntie thanks for your support...and that will be the end of it....Just stay around positive people, read positive stories and Believe
God bless

Hi Jamie,
I also know what you mean, however, they probably saw how upset you were when you found out you would have to go through surgery again. Like I said before, I think by the time that cruise rolls around you probably will be ready to go. I don't think you should go because you might not have another opportunity, but you should go because you need to keep on living your life. Whether you go or not is entirely up to you, but maybe what they mean is that you have to take advantage of your time here on earth. We all do! They also might never have another chance, whether it be from some illness, or any other reasons.
Maybe you can try to explain to them that your cancer does not "keep on coming back". I am sure your doctors will explain to you, as they did me, that my cancer had already spread to my liver and lung when I was diagnosed. It was just too small to detect. All of my surgeries were one right after another. I finished chemo, then they saw my liver met on the scans, then shortly after that, my lung mets. All this happened in a 3 year period (actually 2 1/2 years). Once I finally got all those mets out, I have been fine. I doubt you have had a recurrence per se.
They do not understand all that. All they know is that Stage IV is serious....and it is, but that does not mean that you cannot be cured. Feel free to tell them stories from this board of others who have survived. Maybe if they understand more then they won't treat you like you are doomed.
Love,
Susan H.

crazylady said:

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for your responses. I think there's some truth in each one.
I know these people all love and care about me and just don't know what to say at this point. I'm not sure that anything anyone says will be alright with me anyway. Also, though I know it sounds strange, even if I'm not entirely positive all the time it's ok for me, but not anyone else!

I think that most people still look at cancer as a death sentence. The idea of living with cancer is fairly new. I guess I'll have to educate people!

As far as the cruise goes, I haven't cancelled yet and am thinking about going. I have been told by several people that I will probably heal better on a cruise than at home. It's something I am considering.

I know I'll come through the surgery fine and chemo also. I just have to go through all the emotional stuff so I can be ready.
I would do much better if the doctor announced that I was having surgery in an hour and I didn't have time to think!!

Take care,
Jamie

Hi Jamie - sorry to be late with my response. I think these people love you. Surgery is scary to everyone - you and them - it will work out fine, but that doesn't make it not scary.

Your kids are naturally apprehensive and it is natural for your older kids to express their apprehension in different ways than do your younger kids.

I think your cruise friends are thinking of much more than your cancer when they suggest that there may not be another opportunity. After all, it has to be very difficult for several working people to find time off at the same time (and money) to cruise together. If your friends go ahead and cruise without, they may not have $$ for another one. And everyone's work can intervene, so hopefully the comment about not being sure there will be another time is just related to the obvious difficulties of multiple friends taking an expensive cruise together,

I wish you the best with your surgery and perhaps you can even do both surgery and the cruise. But, I think you are doing the right thing by doing the surgery. And, if the cruise doesn't work out this time, there will undoubtedly be a future time for a great trip!

Take care,
Betsy