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I am feeling very depressed

betina61's picture
betina61
Posts: 644
Joined: Aug 2006

HI everyone,I have been debating in posting about how i am feeling or not,but I decided that I needed to share. updating I was dx July of last year,stage 3,one positive lymph node, finished treatment January 31 of this year, cea count after treatment 0.5, pet scan feb.21 says no abnormal foci or FDG uptake that would suggest residual or metastatic disease, plus some acivity in left maxila that says may represent periodontal disease, I was not surprise about this because I had problems with my gums before and I have not been to the dentist for recomendation of oncologist for more that 9 months.I have a ct scan for next Monday, to double check everything ,this was ordered together with the pet scan, but insurance didn't approved both at same time, my uncologist was very pleased with the results of the pet, and I was waiting to have the results of both scans to post here that I was NED. Now I will tell you why I am so down, yesterday I had my first colonoscopy, and the Dr, found one polyp that he told me,he could only take half of it and that he burned the other part that he could not get, and gave a little container and told me to look for that part of the burned polyp when I have a bowel movement, I asked him if I don't find anything if it was not enough with the part that he took,for the biopsy and he said, that he would prefer to have everything, and he would like to do another colonoscopy in 2 or 3 moths, he did mention no recurrance, which I think means nothing in the original site,I have been crying all afternoon yesrterday,I have been feeling,like at the very begining when I foud out,I know that probably,it could be a bening polyp,but I became so tire suddenly of everything,that I am afraid the way I am feeling I have been very optimistic from almost the begining, and I know that I had good results,with the pet and cea, but is very strange what I am feeling, I need to get ready and go to work, and I am feeling like staying at home. please sorry for this very long post but I will appreciate any kind of encouraging words. Thanks in advance.

hopefulone
Posts: 1048
Joined: Jan 2007

Hi Bettina, It's perfectly normally to have "down" days. Focus on the fact that your doctor said no reoccurrence and he was pleased with results of your PET. That is very good news. Of course, anytime, anything is found it gives cause to worry and dredges up the initial feelings when dx. Keep optimistic. Finding a polyp doesn't necessarily mean it's come back, but it sounds like a smart oncologist to me to have another one done in 2 mos to recheck it. God Bless.

RunnerZ
Posts: 185
Joined: Feb 2004

Betina, What you are feeling is so very normal. I am an eight year survivor of stage 3 rectal cancer. I remember that every bunp in the road after my initial surgery and especially in the first year or so was so traumatic! You have been through so much just to get where you are at and you have little or no room left for any other obstacles. NOT TO WORRY!! Your Dr. is just being thorough....polyps are no big deal, he's just keeping a close eye on yours because in the past one turned cancerous. This way, he can remove everything and keep it from becoming cancer. You can bet that they will biposy everything they take from you for the next 40 years. They did to me!! So, pat yourself on the back for beating this disease and give youself a hug for following up so diligently to make sure you never have it again!! I know, I've been there!!

Corbett
Posts: 2
Joined: Mar 2005

Betina, please don't think its wrong to feel depressed. There are so many survivors living normal healthy lives with this kind of cancer. the survival rate is growing every day. I had only one polyp, and of course cancerous. I am 2 years post-op and am living a normal healthy life. We survivors remember our "days of depression" wondering why this would happen to us, but getting through it with understanding and prayers from all our friends and family and the love of our pets (Gosh pets are great) have always seen us through. You are in my prayers.

chynabear's picture
chynabear
Posts: 483
Joined: Jul 2005

Betina,

It is normal to feel down from time to time. Your mind and body have been through a tremendous amount of stress. After I finished treatment, I felt very depressed. To top it off, you had a polyp and that would stress any of us out. The good news is that even if it is cancerous, it has not have very long to grow and will be easy to fix. Likely, it isn't even cancerous.

It is always good to vent these feelings. I find that once I actually say them to someone else, I immediately feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

To brighter days,

Tricia

katefm's picture
katefm
Posts: 112
Joined: Oct 2006

Betina - I'm sorry you're feeling depressed. You're already returned to a completely healthy state. Try and visualize that rather than the polyp. And thank heavens your doctor is checking things out! I wish you the best, but mostly, I pray for your peace of mind. I can only imagine how stressful this all must be.

You're in my prayers-
Kate

betina61's picture
betina61
Posts: 644
Joined: Aug 2006

Thank you to all of you that have replied, I am starting to feel much better already,knowing that I have all of you my second family behind me.

taraHK
Posts: 1961
Joined: Aug 2003

I am sorry you are feeling so down. In my experience, the toughest time I went through emotionally was after all my initial treatment was finished. Everything finally crashed in on me. I ended up consulting a therapist,which was useful for me. But there are bound to be 'trigger events' which bring out both stress and anxiety. For me, one of those is the date of my initial diagnosis --I have to treat myself very gently that day. And of course your recent experience with the colonscopy and finding a polyp must have been traumatic. All our fingers and toes are crossed that the polyp in totally benign -- which seems highly likely -- as your doc said "no recurrance'. You did the right thing by having the colonscopy. Thinking of you

nanuk's picture
nanuk
Posts: 1363
Joined: Dec 2003

On "higher Awareness.Com" the other day, I saved a liST of energy builders" and "energy drains" these lists were simple everyday things that you can pick and do...they suggested 7; to journal, meditate, reflect, etc.
What struck me was ho much the mind controls the body in a "down" or an"up" time...it just takes over the body and completes the task at hand, elevating or draining the energy depending upon which activity we choose. It's as simple as shifting a gear in your car's transmission. You simply choose to do something -shift up or down, and the mind takes over and makes everything happen-your energy either goes up or down..so take a walk, make love, have a massage, cuddle with your animal, let someone know they are appreciated....

RubenC.
Posts: 1
Joined: Sep 2006

Hi I was diagnosed with stage 3 colorwectal cancer in03/04 Got surgery and did the chemo/radiation thing along with clinical trial. Wow whay a journey. Also had the surgeries for the colostomy reversal, worst than the other stuff. Well I am also very depressed, can't sleep most of the time.Girlfriend of 13 yrs. and i practically broke up during chemo and radiation. My son was 3 at the time, i had no one to watch him so i took him with me to radiation.He will be 6 on April 30th, luv him so much! My new girlfriend just threw me out in the streets have now where to go, slept in my bro's last night he's trying to get me a job. WE need to try to smile even though it hurts cause it could be worse. My son is what keeps me going and the faith in Jesus. Have faith and pray, be positive even though i know it's hard!!!

JADot's picture
JADot
Posts: 720
Joined: Jan 2006

Hi Betina,

Just barely getting my own depression under control,I can only say that depression really do happen. I remember reading Lance Armstrong book where he said he was forever feeling like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and the slightest symptoms will send him into a tail spin of bad thoughts, so I guess this happens to everyone, including the super-heroes.

I am a fan of testing and more testing and early testing. Alas the very instruments which are there to help us can also cause so much anxiety. To know or not to know, that's not even a question. You've been through so much, I can so totally see why you feel overwhelmed at this time, after having stayed positive and optimistic for so long.

Woudl you be able to take a day when you're feeling down? Playing hookie on a work day almost always cheer me up enormously. How about a nice treat for yourself, a message or a nice music CD? I used to dress up and go sit a trendy coffee shop to see and be seen. Another for-sure pick me up is Dr. Andrew's Weil's book Spontaneous Healing. I read it compulsively and it's always warm and embrasing, and comforting.

If that doesn't do it, call me and we can commiserate. No matter depression loves or hates company, we should be able to do something about ours. We can try talk it into submission!

Best of luck,
Ying

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