I'm depressed. Any jokes ??

tkd3g
tkd3g Member Posts: 767
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Personal issues. Health is ok.

Anyone have a good joke to put a smile on my face?

Sponger?

Kanga?

Emily, where art thou?

Barb ( elaine) :(

Comments

  • NanD
    NanD Member Posts: 58
    #2
    Ron White's philosophy on life is simple. "I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemondade," he says. "And try to find someone whose life gives them vodka, and have a party." (from Reader's Digest)
  • tkd3g
    tkd3g Member Posts: 767
    #3
    NanD said:

    Ron White's philosophy on life is simple. "I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemondade," he says. "And try to find someone whose life gives them vodka, and have a party." (from Reader's Digest)

    :) I like Ron White.

    Thanks. THis too shall pass.

    Barb
  • JADot
    JADot Member Posts: 709 Member
    #4
    Hi Barb:

    Here's joke to brighten your day!

    Cheers,
    Ying
    - - -
    - - -
    Two fraternity brothers...

    Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.

    After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."

    Magically, the ocean turns to beer.

    Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
  • tkd3g
    tkd3g Member Posts: 767
    #5
    JADot said:

    Hi Barb:

    Here's joke to brighten your day!

    Cheers,
    Ying
    - - -
    - - -
    Two fraternity brothers...

    Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.

    After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."

    Magically, the ocean turns to beer.

    Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

    Always comes thru, thanks Ying.

    I may take up drinking beer!! Tonight!!

    Barb
  • kangatoo
    kangatoo Member Posts: 2,105 Member
    #6
    tkd3g said:

    Always comes thru, thanks Ying.

    I may take up drinking beer!! Tonight!!

    Barb

    Hope this works!
    W.I.C.O.E.
    (Women In Charge Of Everything)
    is proud to announce the opening of its

    EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

    OPEN TO MEN ONLY
    Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
    The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

    DAY ONE!

    HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
    Step by step guide with slide presentation

    TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
    Roundtable discussion

    DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
    Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

    DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
    Debate among a panel of experts.

    REMOTE CONTROL
    Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

    LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
    Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum



    DAY TWO

    EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
    Group discussion and role play

    HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
    PowerPoint presentation

    REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
    Real life testimonial from the one man who did

    IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
    Driving simulation

    LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
    Online class and role playing

    HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
    Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

    REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
    Bring your calendar or PDA to class

    GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
    Individual counselors available
  • kangatoo
    kangatoo Member Posts: 2,105 Member
    #7
    kangatoo said:

    Hope this works!
    W.I.C.O.E.
    (Women In Charge Of Everything)
    is proud to announce the opening of its

    EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

    OPEN TO MEN ONLY
    Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
    The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

    DAY ONE!

    HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
    Step by step guide with slide presentation

    TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
    Roundtable discussion

    DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
    Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

    DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
    Debate among a panel of experts.

    REMOTE CONTROL
    Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

    LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
    Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum



    DAY TWO

    EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
    Group discussion and role play

    HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
    PowerPoint presentation

    REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
    Real life testimonial from the one man who did

    IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
    Driving simulation

    LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
    Online class and role playing

    HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
    Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

    REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
    Bring your calendar or PDA to class

    GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
    Individual counselors available

    Sorry it is so long but if yah don't get a laugh outa this Barb then I am failing in my duty to supply overwhelming support.
    ps......Sponger, Ron, Howard,Bruce and all tha other guys are never gunna speak to me again!
  • scouty
    scouty Member Posts: 1,965 Member
    #8
    How bout several of them!!!!!!!!!!

    Hope they help cheer you up my friend!!!!!

    Lisa P.

    DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!".

    ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

    NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

    THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

    NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

    Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
  • tkd3g
    tkd3g Member Posts: 767
    #9
    kangatoo said:

    Sorry it is so long but if yah don't get a laugh outa this Barb then I am failing in my duty to supply overwhelming support.
    ps......Sponger, Ron, Howard,Bruce and all tha other guys are never gunna speak to me again!

    Thanks buddy.

    Nothing like a few laughs...especially at the mens expense!!!

    Thanks.

    Love ya,

    Barb
  • tkd3g
    tkd3g Member Posts: 767
    #10
    scouty said:

    How bout several of them!!!!!!!!!!

    Hope they help cheer you up my friend!!!!!

    Lisa P.

    DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!".

    ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

    NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

    THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

    NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

    Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

    Thanks Lisa.

    Hope my chemo brain never renders me that stupid!!!

    You definately made my giggle.

    Love to you, my friend

    Barb
  • offutt9
    offutt9 Member Posts: 88
    #11
    I received this from my brother in law to make me laugh... Two rednecks were driving down the road drinking beers. Earl looked at Bubba and said "looke ther Bubba , there's a polize car up ahead. What are we gonna do?" Bubba said," I know, just drink yer beer and peel off this here label throw the bottle under the seat then place the label on yer head...and let me do the talking. The police pulled them over and said," Are you boys drinking?" Bubba pointed to his head and said no sir re, We're on the PATCH."
  • terril
    terril Member Posts: 296
    #12
    Bob arrived at work on a Monday morning with two black eyes. His co-worker, George, said, "What the heck happened to you this past weekend?" Bob replied, "I got these in church!" George thought for a minute and said, " How could this happen in church?" Bob looked seriously. "Well, we were in church and we stood up to sing a hymn. I noticed a woman in front of me, and her dress was stuck in the crack of her butt. So, I pulled it out, and she hit me in my right eye!" George then asked, "What caused the black left eye?" Bob said, "Well, I tried to stuff it back in!" One of my favorites!!! Terri
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #13
    This comment has been removed by the Moderator

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