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Confused

8965
Posts: 34
Joined: Nov 2005

Im so confused...My dad has been diagnosed with lung cancer, two spots on his lung and two on his liver. His brain and bone tests came back fine. I try to educate myself, and he wont tell me and my family much. I dont even know what type or what stage. Im scared for him, and I hate to sound selfish but Im scared for me too. He started Chemo on November 9th. He has been so tired and frustrated at his lack of energy. I dont want to keep nagging at him but I need more info, can I ask his doctor?

dreamer925
Posts: 19
Joined: Oct 2005

It can be confusing, just try to be patient and loving, for your dad. He is going through some hard times right now. It is not that he is not telling you much, you must understand with cancer, they cannot tell the patient much. I found that each test took 2 weeks for a diagnosis. He will regain his energy and be the dad you know and love again. Seriously, the best thing you can give him is support. Let him know how proud you are of him and how you will always be there for him. I had spotting on my lung and they cut it out and things are so far so good and there is good prognosis. Mine was very early and I did not have liver spots, but there is so much that can be done. Keep the faith!

8965
Posts: 34
Joined: Nov 2005

Thank you for your response. Im the youngest of four kids and my dad tries to protect me. I just hate seeing him like this. It hurts so bad, He says he doesnt want us sitting around, he feels bad because he is to tired, he can barely stay awake, he tells us to go home and let us sleep. All I want to do is stay, I dont want him to be alone. Isnt he scared?

kesnh
Posts: 9
Joined: Oct 2005

Yeah I am sure your dad is scared. But I also know how he feels. i am 29 and I have lung cancer. My parents are having a tough time with it. I don't want to hurt them. I know they love me and that they just want to help but having them sit at the end of my bed makes me feel sick. I use to be able to take care of myself and then suddenly I have a baby monitor in my room. Your dad is use to taking care of you. Thats what they do. it must be hard for him to see youtaking care of him. The best thing I can suggest is to find things he can help YOU with. help him feel useful and active. I wouldn't ask him to re roof your house but maybe just dad advice. It will give you a chance to hang out with him and him a chance to feel like the dad. maybe photo albums or painting something for his grandkids. ( chair, rocking horse ect.) Good luck
Just love him and pray.
Blessings

crot1998
Posts: 67
Joined: Sep 2005

Hi there. I too am the youngest of four kids and my father has non small cell lung cancer. There are basically two kinds, small cell and non small cell. My Dad is also having chemo and he is very tired. It is very hard to see my father tired and not himself but he needs to rest so that his body can restore itself. Asking too many questions may stress him out, I find it easier to visit my parents and talk about normal stuff. How old is your Dad? Did they give him the option of a clinical trial or just chemo? The only way the doctor will speak to you is if you are at the appointment with your father. I go to all the appointments, I am in the medical field too and I have done a lot of research. The National Cancer Institute is very good for information. This site has helped me with the most difficult time in my life. My Dad is doing well but he is tired, we make sure he does get up and walk so he doesn't get pneumonia or any blood clots and then we allow him to rest. We make sure to check his temperature so he doesn't develop a fever. It does get easier, you are probably still in shock. This site is a great support. Hope this helps.

8965
Posts: 34
Joined: Nov 2005

Than you all very much for responding. This site has helped me so much, and Ive just found it. My dad has a condition called COPD, his breathing is already bad to begin with so I dont think they can operate. Im having trouble dealing with it. Im 30 years old but the baby of the family, and very close to my dad. I like the idea of making my dad feel like he is helping, by asking him questions only dad's know. My sisters and brother are supportive, but Im taking it the worst. Im full of anxiety, fear, anger and sadness. Sometimes it consumes me. I think and pray for my dad all day. Im still functioning but Im a mess inside. Im so grateful for this site and all your kind and imformative responses. We had a family meeting and said everyone is going to be at the following meetings after his stay in the hospital. My dad is 66 years old and is soo old school, he is so upset he has no energy to do anything, it drives him crazy. And he hates us nagging him, I dont want to make him more mad so I dont ask. I asked the nurse and she said maybe make a list of ?s and ask your dad if its ok if he gives the list to the Dr. and lets him respond? Any thoughts on that

crot1998
Posts: 67
Joined: Sep 2005

I too am 30 years old, the youngest of four children and my Dad is 67. At this point rather than bombarding your father with a list, I think you need to wait and see what chemo is doing for your father. Ask him when the next test is (CT scan) and then proceed from there. There really isn't much to know, he is being treated and we all hope that it works. The only thing you might want to know is the type of lung cancer it is and once you know that and research it, you would be able to determine the stage. Honestly though what difference does knowing a stage make when he is being treated anyways, it is just a number and can cause a lot of grief. The more I read on the internet the more depressed I got. I too was a mess for a month but I spoke to my doctor about my anxiety and took some medications to help me through the roughest time of my life. I took one month off work to get everything under control with my Dad and with me emotionally, that really helped. Once I started some medication that took the edge off and allowed me to be more of a help to my father than another stress as my parents started to worry about my emotional well being and that wasn't fair for them. My advice to you is to find out when your father's next test is and what it shows. In the mean time support your father and keep things as normal as possible, respect the fact that he is tired and not ready to talk about things. Take time for yourself and your emotional well being, talk to your own doctor if necessary so you can be a help to your father. This is a long roller coaster so it's best to be ready and stable. Hope this helps.

8965
Posts: 34
Joined: Nov 2005

Thank you soo much. I dont feel so alone anymore. I dont wish this pain on anyone, but I like having some understanding. I to have gone to the Doctor. She gave me some medicine and said it was normal to be going thru this emotionally, she said what you did, that it will take the edge off. I just started it, two days ago so well see. I have good and bad days. Some days it consumes me. I tend to project in the future and try and prepare myself for the outcome. I think that is giving the power to the disease. I need to learn to take it one day at a time. My siblings, myself and my mom are trying to be there for everything. A lot of people tell me to accept what he wants to share right now. I have no other choice. The Doctors wont tell us anything without his consent. Positive thoughts and prayers and this site are getting me through this time. Thanks again I cant express how much it means to really relate with someone who knows and understands.

crot1998
Posts: 67
Joined: Sep 2005

No problem. I felt that this site really helped, especially reading through personal web pages of success. I know it is hard and the first month was terrible, my husband would just find me crying out of no where. I would get emotional over everything and felt that I was grieving our old life and how things "used to be", I couldn't even look at pictures before the diagnosis because we all looked so happy. I am still worried to death, don't get me wrong but I am trying to be strong. I still have my bad days. My Dad has just finished his second chemo treatment and it is hard for all of us to be going through this. Trust me the meds helped and so did time and a really understanding husband and friends who really cared, ask everyone you know to pray for your Dad. I hope this is helpful info. for you but you have to have faith and be positive so that your positive attitude can bring out his. Give him his space, he will come around. Like I said, don't get caught up in stages etc.. find out what treatment he is getting and make sure it is working such as getting the results of the next scan etc.. Also don't forget to ask about clinical trials too.

8965
Posts: 34
Joined: Nov 2005

Im having a rough night tonite. My mom just got home from the hospital and said that my dad fell today getting out of the bathroom. He had his first chemo 5 days ago, he hasnt been out of bed for weeks, The nurse said his legs are just tired and week, He had a brain test 4 days ago, and he was clear, Im praying its not the brain now. Im trying to be positive. These little side effects and traumas really set him back. I need to prayers!

crot1998
Posts: 67
Joined: Sep 2005

Don't worry. My father fell twice in the tub and we were so happy he didn't break a hip. He is fine now. We put night lights up, he fell in the middle of the night while walking to the bathroom. Now we make sure he goes to the bathroom before he goes to bed and we have put lights in place and grab bars so he doesn't fall again. That happened after his first chemo and it set him back for one to two weeks but he came around. The chemo is strong and he feels weak too, that is very normal. Making sure he gets up and moves to prevent any blood clots or pneumonia is important. Sleeping allows his body to restore his blood counts which drop after chemo. Give him a chance to get used to this. Why is he in the hospital??

8965
Posts: 34
Joined: Nov 2005

I feel so much better when I hear from you, its like youve been there done that. Its very comforting to me..thank you. My dad has a condition called COPD its a lung disorder, his breathing is bad, and when he gets colds and stuff, he needs treatments. They seem to have a handle on the COPD but they wanted to make sure everything went ok for his first chemo treatment. He is in until he gets his breathing under control. My mom seems to think he feels safe in the hospital?? I saw him today, they want to give him some therapy to strenghten his legs, He said he is up for it. I was proud of him, today he was off Oxygen so I hope he is on his way home soon. I live 10 minutes from my parents, when he comes home will my mom be a caretaker? Will my dad need care 24/7 for a while? I dont know what to expect when he gets home. Im sure the hospital will explain. I feel selfish, like I take support from you and never give any in return, I hope your dad is well. I will add him to my prayers.

crot1998
Posts: 67
Joined: Sep 2005

Hi there. I am glad I can help. Some of the older people on the site can even give you more support. Like I said reading through the personal web sites is inspiring. My prayers are with your family too and I wish you all the best take things one day at at time.

janmotel
Posts: 3
Joined: Sep 2005

yes talk to his doctors or who ever will listen to you we did and it helped

Plymouthean's picture
Plymouthean
Posts: 264
Joined: Jan 2004

Hi. I'm a lung cancer survivor (4 years). I would be hard pressed to add to any of the great responses that you have received so far. I would make one point, however, regarding talking to your dad's doctors. They are restricted , by law, from discussing your dad's illness with others, - even family members. If you find that they are reluctant to discuss things with you, try accompanying your dad to his next appointment with his doctor. Insist that you go right into the exam room with them. With your dad's permission, there is no reason that they should deny you access. And bring a list of questions so that you get the information that you need/want. During my treatments, I always had someone accompany me, whether it was my wife, a relative, or a neighbor. The doctors never questioned their presence, - in fact they welcomed it, because sometimes the patient doesn't remember all that he/she was told. By the way, - Have Faith! I was diagnosed as inoperable/incurable, and here I am, four years later, cancer free. This can be beaten! Best wishes and prayers to your dad.

grammashorty's picture
grammashorty
Posts: 7
Joined: Jun 2005

Plymouthean, was your lung cancer small cell or non small cell? I'd really like to know someone who is a 4 year survivor of small cell! Thanks

Plymouthean's picture
Plymouthean
Posts: 264
Joined: Jan 2004

Hi. My problem was non-small-cell. I have no experience, and little or no knowledge of small cell. I'm sorry that I can't be of any help. Ernie

sugarbears
Posts: 3
Joined: Jul 2005

I'm sure you could ask his doctor. I know you're scared and you have every right to be. My dad was the same way.. the only reason I knew was because I took him to the doctor. He didn't want to worry the rest of the family. He didn't want them to treat him differently. So the best you can do is try to be strong with him and always love him even through the bad days. Listen for hidden messages when he talks about what he's feeling. My father was 49 when he passed away. I just turned 25. I am completely ripped apart because he was also my best friend. I think it's ok to be angry and sad and confused right now. Just don't let it interfere with spending time with your dad. I hated leaving my dad by himself at the hospital. But we made a deal that I would continue to do my usual routine if he promised to tell me when he needed me to stay with him. We only talked about his illness when he felt he needed to. Otherwise we laughed about what I did at work and what new trick the puppy learned that day. Stuff like that. Why spend your time talking about bad news and feel helpless when you can try to put a smile on his face?

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