alone

hgolightly
hgolightly Member Posts: 7
edited March 2014 in Emotional Support #1
I've had lung cancer, stage 4, for about a year. I'm doing well with iressa, but am terribly lonely. And scared about the future. I'm 50 and pretty but don't feel mentally as if I could ever meet anyone for intimacy of any kind again. Who would want a girlfriend with lung cancer? I'm scare I'll be alone un til I die. Scared I'll have no one to talk to about my cancer, etc. I can't be the only single female with cancer. Anybody feel the same?

Comments

  • truejoy8
    truejoy8 Member Posts: 41
    #2
    Hi hgolightly. I know exactly where you are comming from. I'm 23, and two years ago I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. I have been battling it ever since and am now just weeks away from finishing my treatments. Because I'm so young I felt ripped off, like I'd never get a chance now to meet a good man and start a family. My chemo left me unable to have children so who would want me?

    But I know now that I was wrong. We are fighters. Survivors. If cancer cannot beat us then nothing can. Lately as I've been feeling better and better I've noticed this strange self confidence that I never really had before. I believe in myself and that i must be worthy of love or else I never would have survived. And that is the most attractive thing there can be in a women.

    You are not alone, hundreds if not thousands of women go through the same feelings that you are right now. And men who have cancer probably go through stuff like this too. And lots of people do find love after cancer. People on this site can testify to that. I found that this site can be a great help and comfort when you're feeling down or alone. The people in the chat rooms are always kind and help lift your spirits. If you ever need someone to talk to email me through the site if you know how. Good luck to you with everything you do.

    Much Love,
    Shanti
  • tequilagirl
    tequilagirl Member Posts: 1
    #3
    Hi alone,

    I have recently been rediagnosied and starting over after only 3 months.It's a lonely place right now. My new husband wants noththing to do with me.. one day at a time
  • Lloma
    Lloma Member Posts: 2
    #4
    hi.. i can so relate to you...
    breast cancer 8 yr ago..now new mass...
    it is so lonely..i read all these profiles and
    most say my husband/my wife are caregivers..couldn't make it with out them..and it makes me more sad...alone and cancer ..is pretty bad.i try to stay possitive..i know God is here..but like that child having a bad dream..said one time yes i know God is with me mom,but sometimes i need you to hold me you have flesh and bones...
    peace to all,Lloma
  • sue11
    sue11 Member Posts: 1
    #5
    Lloma said:

    hi.. i can so relate to you...
    breast cancer 8 yr ago..now new mass...
    it is so lonely..i read all these profiles and
    most say my husband/my wife are caregivers..couldn't make it with out them..and it makes me more sad...alone and cancer ..is pretty bad.i try to stay possitive..i know God is here..but like that child having a bad dream..said one time yes i know God is with me mom,but sometimes i need you to hold me you have flesh and bones...
    peace to all,Lloma

    I'm a single female with stage IV cancer. I too often feel lonely and worry about being alone now and at the end of my life. When I started chemo, I was warned about not having the energy to take showers, prepare meals, etc. I asked the nurses how many of their patients were single and they could only think of one person. I wondered how I would manage alone - But God is Amazing - He brought family and friends into my life who made it all happen. I'm still often sad and lonely - especially at 3am when I am scared and alone. But I am forever grateful for the love and generosity I have experienced since my diagnosis. I wish I could send you some fantastic guy - while I can't do that, I can offer to always feel free to contact me if/when you need to talk. Please take care of yourself.
  • candikup
    candikup Member Posts: 3
    #6
    My heart goes out to you. My husband passed away 6 months before I had my first diagnosis of breast cancer. Exit part of my right boob and enter scars (physical and mental) Then a year later, another tumor on the other breast. More scars, misshapened boobs, and my supporting man gone. Lots of people say it dosen't matter what you look like, but it does. I'm afraid of the same things you are. Alone, sick, and no one who cares. This cancer network is amazing, because if enough of us get together and talk, we aren't alone anymore.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #7
    candikup said:

    My heart goes out to you. My husband passed away 6 months before I had my first diagnosis of breast cancer. Exit part of my right boob and enter scars (physical and mental) Then a year later, another tumor on the other breast. More scars, misshapened boobs, and my supporting man gone. Lots of people say it dosen't matter what you look like, but it does. I'm afraid of the same things you are. Alone, sick, and no one who cares. This cancer network is amazing, because if enough of us get together and talk, we aren't alone anymore.

    Hello,

    In reading your postings I find myself having identified with many of your feelings. Almost 5 years ago I was diagnosed with Inflammatory breast cancer. I eventually had a bilateral mastecomy and eventually reconstruction. The reconstruction did not go well and I ended up with significant scarring and my breasts are very assymetrical.

    I am single and was single at the time. For the first couple of years I had no idea how I would ever get into a relationship. I couldn't even imagine doing so. How would I ever explain my breasts or the scar across my abdomen from the tram flap? These didn't even feel like my breasts! I felt very lonely as many of you have expressed. Then entered a man who I had known through my treatment. He knew what I had gone through 3 years prior. AND he found me attractive! He helped me through my insecurities. He helped me find my sexuality and sexiness. We never became the great romance but I owe him so much and will always love him for what he did for me. Since then I did have a wonderful relationship that recently ended. We have remained friends. Afterwards, I sent an email to him and asked him to be honest with me about the effect of being in a potentially long-term relationship with someone that did not have normal breasts. I want to share with you what he wrote back to me:

    "I definitely think you should still seek a long term relationship. I know that is what you really want, and you have a lot to offer in such a relationship. Your body is a wonderful playground, and the right man will accept that and enjoy you as you are. There is no hiding the past and the changes your body has gone through, but it makes you who you are, and the qualities on the inside obscure the blemishes on the outside. Don't let your body cause you insecurity; be proud of your sexiness and sex drive, and take joy in making your partner happy."

    So, what I want to tell you is: Embrace your bodies, your experiences... make them yours. Love with your whole heart and your whole body. When you hold back, when you are hesitant the fear will overwhelm you. But take time to heal yourself and make yourself ready. Then take the risk and go for it. It is worth it.
  • hgolightly
    hgolightly Member Posts: 7
    #8
    sue11 said:

    I'm a single female with stage IV cancer. I too often feel lonely and worry about being alone now and at the end of my life. When I started chemo, I was warned about not having the energy to take showers, prepare meals, etc. I asked the nurses how many of their patients were single and they could only think of one person. I wondered how I would manage alone - But God is Amazing - He brought family and friends into my life who made it all happen. I'm still often sad and lonely - especially at 3am when I am scared and alone. But I am forever grateful for the love and generosity I have experienced since my diagnosis. I wish I could send you some fantastic guy - while I can't do that, I can offer to always feel free to contact me if/when you need to talk. Please take care of yourself.

    Hi. I wrote my message a few months ago--and don't know if you're still writing. But your message was very sweet.
    I've made some contact with cousins I hadn't talked to in ages.
    They've all been great. It really made a difference.
    I had a boyfriend when I was first diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer--but he soon left. Time has shown he wasn't worth crying about.

    Especially since my life will be shorter. I'm now on iressa and doing OK. But I'm worried how much longer the drug will last.
    I've been on it for 9 months.

    I should feel lucky it works. The first chemo didn't.

    Thank you for your kind words. I hope you're doing OK.
  • hgolightly
    hgolightly Member Posts: 7
    #9
    truejoy8 said:

    Hi hgolightly. I know exactly where you are comming from. I'm 23, and two years ago I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. I have been battling it ever since and am now just weeks away from finishing my treatments. Because I'm so young I felt ripped off, like I'd never get a chance now to meet a good man and start a family. My chemo left me unable to have children so who would want me?

    But I know now that I was wrong. We are fighters. Survivors. If cancer cannot beat us then nothing can. Lately as I've been feeling better and better I've noticed this strange self confidence that I never really had before. I believe in myself and that i must be worthy of love or else I never would have survived. And that is the most attractive thing there can be in a women.

    You are not alone, hundreds if not thousands of women go through the same feelings that you are right now. And men who have cancer probably go through stuff like this too. And lots of people do find love after cancer. People on this site can testify to that. I found that this site can be a great help and comfort when you're feeling down or alone. The people in the chat rooms are always kind and help lift your spirits. If you ever need someone to talk to email me through the site if you know how. Good luck to you with everything you do.

    Much Love,
    Shanti

    Hi. I haven't looked at this site for sometime, but your message was very nice. Thank you for it.

    You're really brave. And very smart for 23. I wish I had your strength. I recently took a small vacation and realized I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

    It's hard alone, but the guy who left wasn't really making my life easier anyway.

    Since I've been sick I've learned who my friends really are. And I appreciate anything that comes my way.

    I hope your OK. And I hope you'll have a long and wonderful life.
    You sound as if you're really lovable. I can't imagine a guy not wanting to know you.

    H
  • hgolightly
    hgolightly Member Posts: 7
    #10
    tequilagirl said:

    Hi alone,

    I have recently been rediagnosied and starting over after only 3 months.It's a lonely place right now. My new husband wants noththing to do with me.. one day at a time

    I haven't looked at this site for ahile, but I can understand what you're going through. Perhaps you and your husband have worked things out?

    If not, work on getting better. Then you can think about him. Find comfort with people who are there for you.

    Love who helps you. Start with being nice to the guy who makes coffee at your local coffee shop, etc. Nurses , doctors who are nice. More will come into your life.

    I've been grateful for any kindness and it has helped so much.

    People can be so hurtful and not really understand how they damage. We can only feel sorry for them.

    One day at a time is right.
  • hgolightly
    hgolightly Member Posts: 7
    #11
    candikup said:

    My heart goes out to you. My husband passed away 6 months before I had my first diagnosis of breast cancer. Exit part of my right boob and enter scars (physical and mental) Then a year later, another tumor on the other breast. More scars, misshapened boobs, and my supporting man gone. Lots of people say it dosen't matter what you look like, but it does. I'm afraid of the same things you are. Alone, sick, and no one who cares. This cancer network is amazing, because if enough of us get together and talk, we aren't alone anymore.

    Hi. It's been sometime since I looked at this website. But I'm really grateful for your kind letter.

    I've been OK. Still lonely but little by little I've been trying to do more, meet more people.

    Sickness really shows who is there for you--doesn't it.

    I'm so sorry about your loss. You must take any kindness you receive--and appreciate it.

    That has helped me. It sounds so pathetic after reading about people whose lifes are filled with spouses and children and friends and...But I've no choice but to take it slow and to try my best to start over from a making friends perspective.

    I'm in a new city, pretty much alone.
  • hgolightly
    hgolightly Member Posts: 7
    #12
    unknown said:

    Hello,

    In reading your postings I find myself having identified with many of your feelings. Almost 5 years ago I was diagnosed with Inflammatory breast cancer. I eventually had a bilateral mastecomy and eventually reconstruction. The reconstruction did not go well and I ended up with significant scarring and my breasts are very assymetrical.

    I am single and was single at the time. For the first couple of years I had no idea how I would ever get into a relationship. I couldn't even imagine doing so. How would I ever explain my breasts or the scar across my abdomen from the tram flap? These didn't even feel like my breasts! I felt very lonely as many of you have expressed. Then entered a man who I had known through my treatment. He knew what I had gone through 3 years prior. AND he found me attractive! He helped me through my insecurities. He helped me find my sexuality and sexiness. We never became the great romance but I owe him so much and will always love him for what he did for me. Since then I did have a wonderful relationship that recently ended. We have remained friends. Afterwards, I sent an email to him and asked him to be honest with me about the effect of being in a potentially long-term relationship with someone that did not have normal breasts. I want to share with you what he wrote back to me:

    "I definitely think you should still seek a long term relationship. I know that is what you really want, and you have a lot to offer in such a relationship. Your body is a wonderful playground, and the right man will accept that and enjoy you as you are. There is no hiding the past and the changes your body has gone through, but it makes you who you are, and the qualities on the inside obscure the blemishes on the outside. Don't let your body cause you insecurity; be proud of your sexiness and sex drive, and take joy in making your partner happy."

    So, what I want to tell you is: Embrace your bodies, your experiences... make them yours. Love with your whole heart and your whole body. When you hold back, when you are hesitant the fear will overwhelm you. But take time to heal yourself and make yourself ready. Then take the risk and go for it. It is worth it.

    Hi. Your letter was really helpful. I've been so scared to even tell a guy I'm dealing with cancer.

    I should feel grateful I'm doing so well on my drug. Many in my shoes are not.

    It's like I have time to do something wonderful and no one to do it with.

    Maybe something will come along unexpextedly. I know I've got to push my luck and be more active.

    I've been so sad. Emotionally unable to move at times. I really need to get over that.

    Thanks again for you letter. It was a help.

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