only children = orphan adults

mattk4608 said:

I'm 27 and lost my mom back
I'm 27 and lost my mom back on 3/13 to cervical/liver cancer. I never met my dad, so growing up I only had one parent...and she had me young, so our relationship was pretty different all over.

I feel weird trying to convey how I feel onto a screen because words wouldn't ever be able to do our relationship justice (as I'm sure you all probably feel the same).

This kind of loss is more wild than anything that I've ever been through.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to work through this kind of grief?

Are you still active in this group?

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yuyucortes said:

Wondering if you are still active in this group?

Only child that lost her only parent Feeling a new type of alone

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I really hope this is still an active group...

I am feeling very lost and alone. A new type of alone and do not know how to navigate. I dont know anyone that has gone through a similar situation.  I dont know how to describe it fully.

I am 38 and my mom passed away last year. I was the only child of my single mother. I do not have any relationship with my father and very limited to his family's side and do not have any other close relatives like I had with my mom on her side. I was her caregiver for four years until she passed. I have been married for 13 years and my husband and I are in a solid relationship. We have been struggling with instead of being the 3 of us (with my mom) to just us but we are dealing and taking it day by day and therapy. We paused having children while we cared for my mom. We want to have a child soon but I know I have to "get better" to be a good parent.

I am starting the second year of being without my mom. I feel this past year was so overwhelmed and overshadowed by her passing, the immediately absense, missing her, finding my ground, and dealing with my depression but lately I feel I am going through something different? I feel completely alone in the world. Not lonely. I am blessed with my husband and friends and relatives but I feel without my mom if I disappeared or got lost in a forest no one would know? I know my husband would know and my friends would but without my mom I feel its like I wouldnt exist? Does this make sense?

I am still going to bereavement therapy and struggling with mourning and depression medication trial and errors constantly changing. I know losing a loved one no matter who you are or who passed is hard but I have not been able to find someone who understands this particular alone feeling. I dont have a sibling to share my life or go to. I dont have another parent to to go or ever have had. My grandmother which was the only grandparent I had as close as I was with my mother passed 20 years ago. I am not even sure what I am looking for here. I guess I wonder will this larger than life feeling of being alone in the world ever cease or lessen or just not be an issue?

I miss my mom in simple ways. We were extremely close but nevetheless fought always but it was her and I against the world since I was born. Now its just me. I feel horrible because my husband keeps reminding me that he is here and always will be and he is understanding of not completely grasping this feeling. He has siblings, a large family, both parents, and grandparents, etc.

I guess I dont know what to do with myself sometimes. If I bought something as simple as a magazine, a frame or anything happened in my day she was who i told immediately and I knew I was not bothering her and I wanted to know what she saw bought did. i would tell her every detail of my day.  I dont have that anymore. Although the last four years this also changed. While caring for her I could not tell her my struggles or losses because I did not want to worry her but she was there I could have if I needed to. I dont want to take away from my husband because we are extremely close but with mom it was different. I guess I dont know how to deal with new type of "alone." I hope this made sense. I guess I am looking for someone who understands this feeling. Thank you. 

Juliana

Hey Juliana

Hi there, 

 

I understand how you feel. I am the only child of my single parent mother. My father's side is complicated and I have very limited to no contact with them out of necessity/choice. They are not good at being supportive. My maternal grandparents I was close to, but they have passed away, too. Most of my mother's siblings have passed away or are out of the picture as well.  

I feel horribly alone. I lost my mom in October after many many years of her fighting this horrible, evil disease. I too felt like it was my mom and I against the world, because honestly, it was. We were more than just mother daughter, we were best friends and soul mates, really. 

I feel so utterly alone in this world. People offer to help or say they know how I feel, but then don't want to actually help when you take them up on it. Everyone says, "you can be part of our family now!" but then they treat me like a thorn in their side, unwanted and a burden. I feel so discarded and alone. People say they know how I feel. People say so many stupid, meaningless, thoughtless things in an effort to feel helpful. It doesn't. It just feels like lies, because ultimately, no matter how good-intentioned, it is. 

I want peace and comfort and for people to reach out and ask if I'm okay, but people don't want to. They accuse me of "not reaching out" to them. When did that suddenly become my responsibility? Especially as the person who is hurting the most from this horrible loss. When did it become my job to reach out to other people? I just want others to treat me with respect and love. I don't feel that's too hard, but apparently it is. 

I have no relationships, and I am 25. I am not a child anymore, but I've barely come into the world as my own person. Everyone just expects that I will get up and get back to normal. I lost the only person in my world who loved me unconditionally, and who understanded me implicitly, who I had the strongest connection with. My safety, my comfort, my love. And everyone else, so self-absorbed and not nearly as deep, just assumes they know better and that I should basically pull myself up by my emotional bootstraps. Ironically, I would be able to if people didn't keep asking favors of me, insulting me, hurting me, yelling at me, ignoring me... I sound selfish, and I feel selfish writing this. But I honestly think that people could be more compassionate in this hellish experience. 

I am nobody's anything anymore. I am not a daughter, a granddaughter, a cousin or even just a friend to some. I am an unwanted orphan, lost in a sea of lighthouses who advertise falsely safe shores. 

In my journeys to port I've been dashed against the rocks and tossed by dangerous waves. And yet, I am the burden. I am the unwanted one.

Do not shine a light if you do not intend to welcome stranded, shipwrecked beings at your shores. 

That is how I feel. 

I am sorry we both have to go through this horrible insanity and pain. It's awful suffering. 

 

You are not alone. 

 

NOLACare said:

Any growing up guidance into the inevitable situation?

So glad I found this group. After 9 years of looking for info on how to parent this circumstance, I found MissyMeow May 2009’s post “This is the only information I have found on only child orphans.”

My question to the forum is: with your experience, what guidance, ideas, tips, emotional development opportunities would have benefitted you, given you strength, growing into the inevitable only child= adult orphan?  

My spouse died when my child was 10 months old.  Parenting research is geared to “Single” parenting, focus on absent and divorce parents.  I rarely find true resources on being an “Only” parent. I adapt a lot and we have grown a tremendous family of two.  We embrace that our “normal” is different from average.   We manage the special “Parent” specific school days, dances, camping trips… well.  We have a supportive social network of close friends and family. 

Going into week 6 with the COVID stay at home order, party of two, the different connection of siblings and two parent units is observed. My preteen is recognizing the difference between being lonely and being alone.  The “I feel like no one GETS me.” phase started, which tends to be feeling lack of empathy.  Parents provide a primary roll in empathy.  Any tips that work for you on teaching self soothing skills when your parents are gone?  I suggested journaling, visioning, reading stories and of course keeping up with friends.  Would like to parlay this experience into a teachable moment for the future. Thank you and God Bless.

Hi NOLACare, it's good that

Hi NOLACare, it's good that you're thinking ahead for your child. You asked for suggestions, I think there are a few things you can do from now.

1. Since you mentioned having a close network of friends and family, I'd suggest deliberately making attempts for your child to regularly spend time with cousins etc in a similar age group that he/she likes....even as (especially as) he/she starts going through the teenage years. This will help to form a support system with persons who may be the closest thing to siblings that he or she will have when you're gone.

2. Take LOTS of pics with the two of you together...not just on special occassions. These pictures will form a happy timeline of events that your child can refer to in the future (make sure these pictures are backed up online somewhere).

3. Put as much as possible in place to ensure that when you do go (hopefully that will be very far away from now), the funeral arrangements will be as easy as possible for him/her. Life Insurance (or an account with funds for this purpose) is the most obvious one but you can even take it a step further (like my mother did in a sense) and write down something that mentions things like what kind of outfit you'd prefer to be buried in (if that matters to you), whether you want to be buried or cremated, any special songs etc you'd like sung at your funeral, recommendations for good funeral homes, caterers etc. Trust me, planning a funeral will be very hard for an only child, so he/she will look back with appreciation at you making it just a little bit easier for them.

4. Tell him/her you're proud of him/her every single time he/she does something well or puts their best into something they care about. Knowing his/her mom was proud of him/her will provide a soothing thought or at least a certain sense of peace when you're no longer here.

 

Hope these suggestions help in some way.