TORN

I have read plenty of blogs to know, I am not alone when it comes to agressive/negative/angry behaviors that come from the cancer patient after treatment. I just didn't think it would be as many as I have read. Nor would I think a year and half through this, I would be blogging and crying over finding myself in a relationship that has taken it's toll on me, mentally and physically. My husband was diagnoised in June of 2017(small cell lung cancer) the worst kind possible. when we were given the grim news, chances for a long survial were slim. One doctor advised we had 12-18 months. and the chance of us getting a remission were slim. fast forward to a year and half and even though we had one small spot return in the adreinal gland, we have been able to be almost cancer free since October of 2017. he is going to be rescanned 8/24. I know he is worried, I know he is scared. I am trying to remain positive. Now to why I am blogging to begin with. his personality has changed so much, the slighest thing annoys him, he gets agressive over little things. his famous line to me " it is because NO one is playing by the rules" everything and everyone has a way of pissing him off(excuse the language) he tells me he constently thinks about dooms day, and that he could tank really fast should his cancer return. and that I just don't understand. he has pushed me away, there is no affection in this relationship. and I know there are days where maybe that is hard for him. but a hug or a kiss, or a thank you for all that I have tried to provide him. from doctor appointments, to insurance, to bills, to making sure he got to see his family in Montana and his best friend in Austin while he could this summer. I feel left out, abandoned I guess. and then my mind takes over and tells me I am being selfish. I am bitter to some degree. he never once asked me if I wanted to go he would say I know you need to save your time in case I get sick. what about the time we could have been spending while he was well? I have FMLA and I could have used vacation. but I feel I am never once thought about. unless he needs an appointment or somethig he says he can't handle because it stresses him out. he has become very emotionally draining/abusive how ever to say it. I am walking on egg shells. he has a way of turning this around an making me feel guilty. he has family here, his daughter is a nurse. I am tempted to tell him we need a break- I need a break. I feel his sister/daughter can step up and in for a bit. I have asked him for counseling and he rejects it. I talk and try to express how I feel and he turns it to him. I don't want to feel guilt. but I don't want to feel this depressed and negative either. this is not who I am. any insite is much appreciated.