I need a vacation!

I just want to pack my bags and hop on the next plane out of here! I am just so over this. My husband won't talk, my mother is on my last possible nerve and my kids literally just had a fist fight right in front of me. When I pulled them apart one of my sons hit my arm! I am at my wits end ya'll, I really don't think I can handle much more. I feel as if I am trapped in a glass enclosure, everthing around me is falling apart and I can't do anything, I can't be heard. 

3 years ago, my father died. It was the most difficult thing I went through. We had already spent 2 years looking for a house that had seperate quarters for my parents in a good school district. Only a couple months after Dad passed, of course we found the perfect house....Or so we thought we bought the Money Pit. Every week something breaks. No joke, I spent $700 last week fixing part of the well, yesterday I came home and the pipes we had not changed had broke and our yard was flooding, no water in house. The well guy didn't leave the bill, I can only imagine what this is going to be! I have spent over $100,000 in repairs, resurfacing the pool, new floors & new windows....OUCH!

Since moving mom in, it is all coming back to me why I moved out as soon as I hit 18. We will NEVER get along! I know I know she's my mother I got to try and I do but this woman will try the patience of a Saint, and I am no saint! I have idopathic angioedema and it has gotten out of control. I am in the ER no less than 3 times a month now with my throat swelling shut. I am on constant  steriods and have gained some weight. I may not be as thin as I once was but I am far from obese. Yet she constantly says hurtful things like how distorted it has made me, I am a blimp. Well she's nearly 300 pounds and really has no room to talk. But she says these cruel things all the time. Her constant emotional abuse is really wearing on me. She hates my cooking, and tells me all the time, "and you're supposed to be a gourmet cook it's garbage" well no she doesn't hate it, I do all the cooking but we tell her my husband makes it and she loves it. Nothing I do is right! She just got a dividend check from some stocks my dad owned and though she is homebound and can't walk more than a few steps, she insisted that she wanted to go to the bank. Told her no I would take it like I have for years, "I don't trust you". Wow! SHE'S SO TOXIC and it's only getting worse. 

Then there is the cancer. My husband never wants to talk. I want to know what day he wants for me to schedule his 2nd opinion. It's over 4 hours to drive there so he needs to miss a day from work. Come on now! This is important. I have been in contact with the doctor, he really wants to see my husband, thinks he can help. Has a few HAI pumps left even and I can't get him to tell me what day works! I asked him at Chemo today, he said he doesn't want to talk about it he wants a day not to think about cancer. Ummmm hello you are in the infussion chair, how can you not be thinking about it. OH and the kicker, I had him wrapped in blankets he was sound asleep, I went out to sneak a cigarette, (I know, I know I need to quit!) When I returned, I turned the corner and every nurse in the center was at his cubby. " we had a little scare with your husband but it's okay" Dropped my purse on the ground and ran up to find that the line pulled out and he was soaked. I jumped back thinking crap chemo is everywhere! No it was the folic acid thank God! But that scared the daylights out of me. The way they were all around him and I could not see him, I thought he had a reaction or something. My heart is still pounding and I broke my $300 Coach sunglasses to boot! Now I need to make an appointment with my eye doctor because I need a new prescription. Let's face facts too, though he may not want to think about it, I do every minute of the day. I am waiting for the shoe to drop that there is nothing else that can be done. In all reality no matter how positive I am he will go into remission, fact of the matter is his disease is very advanced and widespread. We have had 20 wonderful years together 20 more, isn't likely going to happen. It kills me! It kills me inside that he probally won't see the boys graduate, that he won't be there to see them get married that he won't live to see the retirement we have busted our backs to save for. That he may never know what colleges our kids go to. Heck at this rate he won't live to see his beloved Dolphins make it to the superbowl again, what the heck is with our coach?!?!!?

The kids ugh, what can I do? They are kids! I seperated them. Since I started typing, without my initiation they hugged it out. Still grounded though! And I told my son if he ever EVER tries to touch me again I would knock all his teeth out. When he said you can't do that, you can go to jail I simply said: good! I was just thinking about how I need a vacation! Hope he got the point. 

Anywho, my vent is over. I need to go make brown butter pork chops with gravy, tell my mom that my hubby made dinner. Then after dishes I am booking a cruise for October. I am treating myself, my boys & hubby to a quick 3 night trip to the Bahama's. Mom can stay home since, she "hates to cruise" funny, she has never stepped foot on a ship or a boat! I will just hire a nurse to stay with her.