Caregiver has become distant, emotionless

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Victorious18
Victorious18 Member Posts: 2
in Emotional Support #1

I am a two-time cancer survivor and need input from either other cancer survivors or caretakers.  My spouse has shut down after 2 years of taking care of me.  It has magnified weaknesses in our otherwise loving marriage.  He has been an amazing caregiver and juggled work, kids, and all the stresses that come with not only cancer but juggling daily life.  He’s not one to reach out to others for support and I’m genuinely worried about him.  Nothing brings tears to my eyes faster than knowing that he is struggling.  We are committed to each other and our family but right now I feel like he’s just going through the motions to get through each day.  Any guidance would be very much appreciated.  I am still extremely needy of him and need his emotional support but it is no longer there.  I am so much better now and able to help with the home and family like before cancer but now I’m dealing with the aftermath.  It’s more than I can bear and it is causing me a great deal of anxiety that I was not expecting.  How can I continue to heal and get better and ensure my spouse, my best friend, is healed, too?

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  • GingerMay
    GingerMay Member Posts: 134
    #2
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    I'm glad that you are doing well Victorious18. As a caregiver, I think we all have our limit but don't know that we have actually hit it until we are there.  If your spouse isn't one to reach out to others for support, then I wonder if engaging in other things that bring solace would help?  Going for morning walks, seeing movies in a theater, or doing that project you've been putting off that focuses thoughts elsewhere for a while can help such as building that planter box you've always wanted or finally cleaning the garage. Also, if there's some things around the home you could hire outside help to do for a while to ease some tasks could help. Your spouse might not take the first step to get someone to help with laundry/cleaning/yard work/grocery delivery, etc., but if you suggest it perhaps he will accept the help. 

  • Victorious18
    Victorious18 Member Posts: 2
    edited July 2018 #3
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    GingerMay said:

    I'm glad that you are doing well Victorious18. As a caregiver, I think we all have our limit but don't know that we have actually hit it until we are there.  If your spouse isn't one to reach out to others for support, then I wonder if engaging in other things that bring solace would help?  Going for morning walks, seeing movies in a theater, or doing that project you've been putting off that focuses thoughts elsewhere for a while can help such as building that planter box you've always wanted or finally cleaning the garage. Also, if there's some things around the home you could hire outside help to do for a while to ease some tasks could help. Your spouse might not take the first step to get someone to help with laundry/cleaning/yard work/grocery delivery, etc., but if you suggest it perhaps he will accept the help. 

    You are right on

    You are so right and I appreciate that you are/were a caretaker. I have suggested him going and doing things he loves, things he has put off because of obligations with the kids, busy life, etc.  I am having him make plans and ensure he follows through with no guilt!!  It will involve putting him on a plane and sending him to his favorite place.  Thank you for your response, it gives me the reassurance that this is what he needs.  I want to get away, too, but can’t right now.  I don’t want him to wait until I’m better, he needs to go by himself and have no limitations, I would hold him back and slow him down if I joined him.  We do have help with the housekeeping, that has been wonderful!  I haven’t had to clean a toilet in over a year!!!  God bless and I hope you are taking care of yourself, too:)

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