Chemo done, scanxiety sets in

I don't get as stressed as I used to but I'm on anti-depressants so maybe that takes the edge off. I do remember getting results last summer that were quite good and finding myself crying for about 45 minutes after. It was just a release of emotions, not sadness. Happiness, if anything. But it made me realize how scared I'd been when I didn't think I had been.

I tend to not get terribly upset, though, and tend to not have trouble sleeping the night before results or anything like that. But, I haven't had a whole lot of good news with my cancer battle and it seems like if there's a side effect or something can go wrong, it will, so it's made me rather pessimistic about the whole thing. I expect bad news every time. I'm as prepared for it as I can be.

I think I encapsulate the cancer part of my life. After almost five years I still don't think I've fully accepted it.

Jan

I guess the best thing that I can say is that people on this forum understand.  My doctor tells me the first two years are the most critical, so maybe after this time period passes I will be less anxious, but I think anyone who has experienced cancer, surgery and chemo will be apprehensive of any chance of more of the same.  Perhaps it is just another aspect of "the new normal." 

abita said:

That makes me sad. You know,

That makes me sad. You know, I think of you when I wonder about a recurrence that cannot be removed. And I take hope that just as you do. I can have a meaningful life where I am on medication to keep the cancer from growing. 

I have been having breakdowns the past few weeks. I guess my brain is no longer blocking that people thought I was going to die. So it is all flooding out now.

I'm sorry, I wasn't looking for sympathy. But I do wonder sometimes why it doesn't bother me more than it does. Maybe it's not being able to accept it. I still kind of feel like one of these days I'll go to the onc and it'll all have been a mistake. On a cerebral level I know that's stupid but in my heart it's what I hope for.

At the same time I get angry about it. Not that I have it, odds are pretty good almost half of people will. Just that it affects so many other things. I can no longer work so money is a huge issue. It makes me feel bad that it has not only taken away my dreams of the future but those of my husband as well. My daughter is 29 years old and still lives with us in our basement suite. I strongly suspects she's scared to leave. The other nasty things that have happened because of the cancer make me angry, too. And I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. 

So maybe my anger covers the fear. Or maybe I internalize it in a different way. Or maybe I've just reached my capacity for fear and worry. No idea. I'm so sick of the black cloud of it hanging over my head, though, I do know that.

Jan

I've ridden that coaster up three hills that came with rising cea numbers, biopsies, extra scans[pet], and years of "something's there". Anxiety was always there. Since the last hill[4 years] the anxiety has lessened with each 6 month's good numbers and it feels easier, but one bump in cea, one something is odd about the scan come January, it will all ratchet up again. It's just part of human nature, unless one is exceptionally calm about such things.  The one thing that gets better with time, is what Jan touched on. You learn to compartmentalize the cancer stuff, and keep it seperate as much as possible from the regular stuff. At least that's been my experience, over time..................................................Dave

I'll be partially there next week with a CEA test and scans to come. Yes, I will worry. At least a bit. But we'll move on from there.