angry husband

tootels said:

Very Angry Husband

I'm actually writing because I too have a very angry husband and I no longer can handle the abuse.  He was diagnosed with Stage IV pancreatic cancer 14 months ago.  While he's still very independent, he does rely on me very heavily.  Unfortunately, not long after his diagnosis, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  Nowhere near the severity of his disease, but I'm still strugging with the chronic pain/severe fatigue, etc. I also work far away and commute 4 hours every day. No matter what I say or do to my husband, I'm always an idiot. I either did this or that wrong, or I'm stupid and worthless and then there are the really nasty insults. I've also been called the "C" word on many ocassions. I keep telling myself that he doesn't mean these things and he's just saying them because he's got cancer and hates the treatment and is terrified of dying. However, it doesn't give me any comfort thinking that he doesn't mean these things. Sometimes I cannot help but engage in these tactics and then I feel HORRIBLE for doing so. I'm literally losing my mind. He literally has no empathy towards me and I feel like he has a license to do or say whatever he wants and I just have to take it. I've decided not to engage, but I'm just constantly getting the verbal beatdown. He's also turning our 2 boys against me. Our eldest son who's in the Air Force now tells me that I'm always wrong and he doesn't like it when I make his Dad mad. And now he's starting to be very abusive towards me. Everytime we have an argument, my husband calls him and tells all about it.  I don't think we should be getting our kids involved. They have enough on their plates. I feel like I'm being ganged up on by our boys and my husband and feel very unwelcome in my own home. To everyone else, my husband apparently is an "inspiration" as he's always telling his former co-workers and long-time friends that he's going to beat this nasty cancer. From what I hear he's always so positive and laughs and everyone talks about what a great smile he has. But I don't know that man!!! The man I know, is very negative and very ANGRY.  I do not understand this at all.  Why is he being this way towards me but so inspirational to everyone else?  I've done hours upon hours of research on this cancer and the only way I was able to get through his early diagnosis was to stay positive. 3% of those diagnosed with Stage IV PC survive 5 years or longer. Well, I kept telling him somebody's got to be in that 3%, and maybe that's you. I probably went overboard though with trying to be positive and a friend of mine told me that he probably felt invalidated. My friend said that if he felt it appropriate to worry or to be negative, then I should let him do it.  That was very hard, because that's the only way I could cope--to believe that would be one of those lucky survivors. Well, things have only gotten worse and not better. I feel like the only way to have some sanity in tact is to leave. I feel terrible for feeling this way, but I don't know what else to do. I'm not even sure if he'd care that I left. I guess I'm worrying too much about what other people are going to think of me...We've been together for 23 years and can't believe that our marriage could very well be over. 

I can relate to alot of these stories in this thread. My husband of 1 year has stage 4 colorectal cancer and diganosed with bipoloar type 1 after an episode when he found out about the cancer. I knew about his cancer and we have fought together since day 1. He hid from me until after his episode and after we were married the bipolar disorder. We also have a young son in the home. He has completely given up and is very angry when he's not in front of family or friends... He is abusive verbally to both of us and always blames it on the cancer (won't acknowledge the mental illness). He smokes a pack of ciggarettes a day and drinks all the time against the doctor's orders and my pleading. He is not the man I married or feel in love with anymore and it's very hard to watch. I feel like after this past year I have no choice but to leave him and get a divorce. My parents and my closest friends can't handle seeing me go though this anymore either. I am afriad that if I lose their support I will lose myself. He has a huge family but none of them help us. They put all of the pressure on me. I have only known this man 4 years (dated for 3 and married 1 year). Do I have to sacrifice my happiness and my son's happiness so I wont look like a monster to his family and all our mutual friends? I feel like we have no hope most days. I feel sad for him and I have already done so much for him but he makes things harder everyday. I have helped him get in to see the best doctors even when the odds were against us. Now he is in remission...something no one thought was possible. I have been his and my son's sole caretaker and financial provider. I AM EXHAUSTED. I am only in my mid 30's and I feel like I am 60 after this year. I even got him granted disabilty so he could have his own money to feel good about himself....His mania makes him scream and yell alot and he does things like cancel appointments I've tried to make for weeks for him and with holds important information to gain control over me. I don't think this is best for me and my son. I am so worried about our future too...

I can so relate to "angry man". My partner that I live with has multiple myeloma. This summer has been really rough on him. He has been in the hospital for a bacterial blood infection and pneumonia, two separate occasions. He is a very angry man and lashes out verbally to me or his son's dog.  I usually don't feed into his tantrums.  I listen, looking at him, say "okay" and walk away. When he is escalated, I just simply walk away.  I am human, and when I've had enough, I just let him know (with a normal voice) that I do not accept his behavior. Then I walk away.  Don't get me wrong, I have ALOT of patience and empathy for this man!  I put myself in his position and think to myself "How would I feel or behave if I was told I had cancer?" I could go on and on with situations (mostly embarrassing ones) that I have been through with this man.  For right now, I just feel better venting. I truly hope that these words I have written will help another caregiver in this impossible situation.  Remember to be good to yourself and take care of you.  Remember to walk away because you know who you are and what you are not. God Bless all CAREGIVERS! Peace to ALL!