The Problem with Family (Feeling Betrayed)

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Comments

  • foxhd
    foxhd Member Posts: 3,181 Member
    Ktmg said:

    You dont know my family. When

    You dont know my family. When my cousin was diagnosed with brain cancer a few years back (in her early 20s) parts of my family (re: snooping uncle) accused her of faking it, and treated her like a pariah for years. Shes had suregery and chemo and has a port-a-cath in and people still treat her like a liar.

    I'm sorry

    but with that being true, Why would you care what those people say and beliieve? They sound like cancer. Jealous, envious, and striking out by belittling. You don't need them. Never did. I think you know that. Cut yourself loose. There are plenty of supportive people here. Cancer has taught many of us who our real friends are. I look forward to you getting through all of this and being happy.

  • hardo718
    hardo718 Member Posts: 853 Member
    edited February 2017 #23
    Ktmg said:

    Gave it some thought

    Donna. I thought about what you wrote a lot. You may be right about the not gossiping, but it's just I was raised to believe that talking abouut people when they arent there to defend themselves is wrong. Maybe that's why I'm so upset with my mom. It feels hypocritcal, and if I did that now (as an adult) to someone else, she would be giving me an earful. She outright admitted that she has different standards for different people and "expects better from me". So in her mind I have to be better, but I shoudn't expect the same from others in return. Its frustrating.  

    How would I have wanted them to answer? I've come up with some options. I'm going from meanest to nicest here, so bear with the beginning of the list. I know not everyone is blunt.

    1. You really should forget about the things you hear on the camera if they're not to do with dad.

    2. Jim, if you were meant to know that, you would have been told it. You know how private Kate is, when she's ready, she'll start talking to people about it. Right now shes just not there.

    3. I appreciate your concern, but you really should talk to Kate directly.

    4. Hey look, a platypus (then run away) - sorry. I cope with humor.

     

     

    Love your sense of humor!

    And love the world of "do as I say, not as I do".....NOT!  But in the end Kate, that's their problem.  All you can do is try to be the best you.  It's a really difficult thing to push past family.....because they are related, but sometimes those very people are the most toxic and remove yourself you must, in the name of survival.  I also know about this firsthand. 

    I'm so sorry about your cousin too.  How horrible that she is viewed as a liar.  God help them if they ever should be faced with walking a mile in her shoes.  Time to take pity on the bunch and most importantly, start taking care of you.  That future of yours has changed, one way or the other.  It's your decision solely as to keep their involvement, or not, but at least now you have some clarity in regards to their trustworthiness or lack of the same.

    Donna~

  • JerzyGrrl
    JerzyGrrl Member Posts: 760 Member
    edited February 2017 #24
    donna_lee said:

    Some very good advice has been offered...

    So now what will you do with it.  I live in a relatively small town, and my husband was really concerned.  It was not a secret, so he was looking for help, info, and resources with any one he could.  I had almost strangers coming up and asking how I was...and 10 1/2 years later asking how I am.  Fine, thank you.

    The cat is out of the bag.  Disregard the relatives whom you feel will not care about you-it makes them feel important that they knew the info before anyone else.  The close relatives should have evaded the question that confirmed you Dx.  If it makes you feel better, just say you were disappointed they talked about you.

    I am not affilliated with any of the mainsteam, American religions, so when someone said, "I'll pray for you.", I just said thanks.  No offense offered, none taken.

    In the future, be prepared with a polite, but simple response, i.e.  "I don't want to discuss my treatment plans; or "I need more information from my Dr; or "I'll let you know if there's anything you can do for me."  Then change the subject.  Be glad that relatives and friends care enough to ask about you.

    My mother was deceased by the time I developed RCC.  Had she been alive, her response would have been extremely self-centered...she would have become the star of the care facility with, "Oh woe is me, my daughter has cancer."

    Your job now is to put your survival plans together and do just that.  Survive and thrive.

    Keep us informed.  We all care.

    Hugs,

    donna_lee

    Stage, grade, and type...

    My mother would've been the star of the show, too, Donna Lee. Only I think - using Fox's metaphor - we would've been able to identify her stage, grade, and type. 

    Sometimes families are supportive, sometimes you want to run screaming in the other direction. 

    If you can put even some of the energy you're putting into being p*ssed at certain of your family members into doing good things for you and being good to yourself, your body will appreciate it ever so much. 

    Hang in there - 

  • ob_nurse
    ob_nurse Member Posts: 1
    Look a platypus

    After being Dx about 3 weeks ago, I finally got the courage to becime a member here. ive been reading the forum for hours now. Finally I laughed! Your platypus option literally brought me out of my shell! Thank you!! 

    Annnd as a token of my graditude, here is my two cents: we can't change others. We can only change how we react to them. protect that hilarious humor of yours! ignore those who upset you or better yet practice your snarky one-liners on them. But be true and kind to yourself and to those who lift you up.

  • icemantoo
    icemantoo Member Posts: 3,361 Member
    ob

    ob,

     

    Start a new forum topic and fill in your bio so we can guide you thru your journey. You are the first persson I would contact if I were Arnold S. in Junior.

     

    Icemantoo

  • foroughsh
    foroughsh Member Posts: 779 Member
    edited May 2017 #27
    I also didn't tell the news

    I also didn't tell the news to any of my family members or extended family. I had a 10 cm tumor 2.8 years ago and I'm NED since the surgery.i was 36 and didn't want to share the news but for a different reason. As my mom's only child i didn't want to give her the C news, my dad passed away at young age and my mom has spent years raising me up so I didn't want to make her frightened. And just because i haven't told my mom i dicided not to tell any other members so my mom won't feel betrayed. I told my hubby and he agreed to keep my secret. I was depressed for over seven months,during this period my father in low came to visit us, I wasn't a happy dancing telling joke laughing daughter in low any more, I spent hours on my bedroom taking day nap, crying and feeling sorry to myself so although i did my best to behave I wasn't very successful. So my father in law got worried and asked my hubby, and guess what? He told his father the C story,  no one told me anything for so long, but after I talked with a therapist and felt emotionally stronger my hubby told me the news, I felt betrayed, I couldn't stop crying, he kept apologizing me but I couldn't forgive him, the main reason was that my own momy didn't know about such big issue but someone else knew it. By the way after a night of being furious I calmed down and could see other side of the story.

    I had one very close girl friend whom emotionally helped me tremendously, we talked, we cried,, we hugged, we laughed and this close friendship helped me a lot but my hubby had no one to talk to, to lean on, to open up with, and if necessary to cry with, he was supposed to be strong care giver who had 100 percent trust in my successful surgery, but he was a young man who had never imagined himself in such a difficult situation at that age. He needed someone to talk to, to ask for help, needed a shoulder to lean on. Once I looked at his action from this perspective I wasn't angry anymore. I understood we are humans and being a human means having weakness, I had my own weakness, I wasn't brave enough to face my sickness, Everytime I want to talk about my sickness I refuse to say Cancer, so how could I expect all others around me including my hubby to have no weakness and to make no mistake. We were both shocked and each one of us responded in our own way. Now that I look back, I see a man dong his own best to help me and himself with love and compassion. All I'm trying to say is that you might look at things with a different perspective after a while too.so let time heals your body and your soul, meanwhile it's good not to be under a lot of stress, pressure kills your immune system, don't let it happen, help your immune system to be strong, it needs to be strong to be able to protect you.

    Forough

  • Ktmg
    Ktmg Member Posts: 24 Member
    edited June 2017 #28
    icemantoo said:

    ob

    ob,

     

    Start a new forum topic and fill in your bio so we can guide you thru your journey. You are the first persson I would contact if I were Arnold S. in Junior.

     

    Icemantoo

    What do I need to put in the

    What do I need to put in the bio? I'm bad at this stuff. Most of my social media is blank for that reason.

  • Ktmg
    Ktmg Member Posts: 24 Member
    foroughsh said:

    I also didn't tell the news

    I also didn't tell the news to any of my family members or extended family. I had a 10 cm tumor 2.8 years ago and I'm NED since the surgery.i was 36 and didn't want to share the news but for a different reason. As my mom's only child i didn't want to give her the C news, my dad passed away at young age and my mom has spent years raising me up so I didn't want to make her frightened. And just because i haven't told my mom i dicided not to tell any other members so my mom won't feel betrayed. I told my hubby and he agreed to keep my secret. I was depressed for over seven months,during this period my father in low came to visit us, I wasn't a happy dancing telling joke laughing daughter in low any more, I spent hours on my bedroom taking day nap, crying and feeling sorry to myself so although i did my best to behave I wasn't very successful. So my father in law got worried and asked my hubby, and guess what? He told his father the C story,  no one told me anything for so long, but after I talked with a therapist and felt emotionally stronger my hubby told me the news, I felt betrayed, I couldn't stop crying, he kept apologizing me but I couldn't forgive him, the main reason was that my own momy didn't know about such big issue but someone else knew it. By the way after a night of being furious I calmed down and could see other side of the story.

    I had one very close girl friend whom emotionally helped me tremendously, we talked, we cried,, we hugged, we laughed and this close friendship helped me a lot but my hubby had no one to talk to, to lean on, to open up with, and if necessary to cry with, he was supposed to be strong care giver who had 100 percent trust in my successful surgery, but he was a young man who had never imagined himself in such a difficult situation at that age. He needed someone to talk to, to ask for help, needed a shoulder to lean on. Once I looked at his action from this perspective I wasn't angry anymore. I understood we are humans and being a human means having weakness, I had my own weakness, I wasn't brave enough to face my sickness, Everytime I want to talk about my sickness I refuse to say Cancer, so how could I expect all others around me including my hubby to have no weakness and to make no mistake. We were both shocked and each one of us responded in our own way. Now that I look back, I see a man dong his own best to help me and himself with love and compassion. All I'm trying to say is that you might look at things with a different perspective after a while too.so let time heals your body and your soul, meanwhile it's good not to be under a lot of stress, pressure kills your immune system, don't let it happen, help your immune system to be strong, it needs to be strong to be able to protect you.

    Forough

    Thank you for the reply. Your

    Thank you for the reply. Your story really stuck a cord. I'm doing some of the same things right now.

    I hate that word too. I dont say it out loud unless I absolutly have to. Writing it seems to be easier. I'd guess by the 'C's in  your post, that you dont feel the same way?

    My husband seems to have adopted my habit of just referring to the issue as "it". I try to be there for him. I know it can be easy to deal with this situation quietly.  Unfortunatly we both have large, Italian familiies, so we have the same issue with people who constantly talk. My MIL somehow manages to simultaniously be a sweet lady and a human bullhorn. Its just her nature.

    Getting past things is..... harder than it should be this far out. I just dont know how to do that.

  • Ktmg
    Ktmg Member Posts: 24 Member
    ob_nurse said:

    Look a platypus

    After being Dx about 3 weeks ago, I finally got the courage to becime a member here. ive been reading the forum for hours now. Finally I laughed! Your platypus option literally brought me out of my shell! Thank you!! 

    Annnd as a token of my graditude, here is my two cents: we can't change others. We can only change how we react to them. protect that hilarious humor of yours! ignore those who upset you or better yet practice your snarky one-liners on them. But be true and kind to yourself and to those who lift you up.

    Glad I could make you laugh.

    Glad I could make you laugh. That important right after the diagnosis. How are you doing now?

    PS- Usually when I make jokes like that my students roll their eyes and groan. I'm glad someone appreciates my sense of humor.