dying from cancer

foxhd
foxhd Member Posts: 3,181 Member

Recent deaths hurt me. A few members have been here longer than me. But I'm sort of the last dinosaur. I started as the "Poster Boy" for potential to beat rcc. I have seen death and survived. Now it is like being in the final four. Scheduled to play against UConn. I manage to find ways to postpone the series but it is inevitable. Regulars know I'm a fighter but I've taken a beating. I am really pushing the "Nine lives" threshold. I am only 60-70% of the 220 pound weight traing distance runner, biker, physical therapist I once was.

I've spoken of my near death experience before. I don't think I've said everything.

I was admitted in feb. 2014 for intractable pain from my cervical canal tumors. By this time I had lost the use of my right arm and most of my left arm. Over the next couple weeks I experienced near death a half dozen times or more. There was no light at the end of a tunnel. There was a flickering light. As if you sat on the shore and across the lake a small campfire was burning out. All I could see was the light. Getting smaller and smaller. Like a star getting further and further away. It kept reducing in size. My life was being extinguished. I knew I could not let it get any smaller. I held on and focused. I heavily relied on my marathon training to hang on just a little longer. It was like knowing that with total committment I could take anything for another 30 seconds. But then they moved the finish line on me. No, 30 seconds isn't enough. It wasn't  a hundred yards. It was a quarter mile. I had to dig deeper.  nothing left. I knew I couldn't give up. Just how badly did I want to survive? Everything in my perception said just let go. It will all be over if I just let go.  It was like a stare down competition. Blink and you lose. I wouldn't blink. Focusing on the light I could eventually get it to grow. I didn't let my body quit. My world would come back into focus. I'd catch my breath. God, I'm still alive. The experience was always the same.

One aspect of those episodes was the strong physical sensation. I felt like a piece of metal being drawn against my control by a magnetic force. Like the Enterprise tractor beam pulling a Ferrengi ship. Slow and strong. Not at all like gravity. No speed change. No acceleration. Just a constant pull. I've wondered if I had let go, if I would have floated to the ceiling having an out of body experience people often talk about.

The other part was the total paralyzation during the experiences. I remember being unable to move anything. Not my arms, legs, eyes or mouth. This part still gives me the creeps.

Episodes became less intense until they went away completely.

I have always felt that GSRon and One putt had similar experiences when passing. I will bet Whitby and Rouska did too. Why am I still here? I had the tools to get me thru it. Maybe Someone else can gain strength to fight harder and survive knowing this. All my years of training paid off for me. And maybe, just maybe, I'll still be here when the next big cure comes along because of it. I want to be the "Poster Boy" again.

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Comments

  • Hd67xlch
    Hd67xlch Member Posts: 151 Member
    Hang in there man..........

    I have no doubt you will be around when the big cure finally comes around, sorry but im no good at talking about **** like that. Ive been in three motorcycle accidents in the last 30 years, spent weeks in hospitals from them, not counting the cancer surgery time in hospitals. I never saw any light but I did see my life flash before me when I hit a deer in Darien GA back in the early 80s doing 60mph, broke both thigh bones on the handlebars, then landed 100 feet from the deer and the bike. Lifes a **** sometimes, but thats when good drugs come in handy.

  • Bellafelice
    Bellafelice Member Posts: 57 Member
    edited April 2017 #3
    Dying from Cancer Post

    Dear  Foxhd-Your post is so incredibly moving and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Your over the top will to keep going is so touching-I just cant put into words how much i appreciate and feel empowered by your experiences. Thank you for being there to help encourage me and other people who are here to try to remain as focused and positive on keeping going -both as caregivers and their loved ones. In my book you "rock".

  • rhominator
    rhominator Member Posts: 233 Member
    edited April 2017 #4
    Thanks for sharing

    Fox, thanks for your forthright posts and for blazing the trail for those that follow you. You're an inspiration in many ways.

  • stub1969
    stub1969 Member Posts: 966 Member
    edited April 2017 #5
    Surviving

    The loss of both Mark and Foots hit those of us that "knew" them pretty hard.  These were the first losses of people on the forum for me.  Fox, you and others have been at this much longer and have lost many more friends on this forum.  I can imagine that a stage 4 survivor, as you are,  these losses hit you at a different level than those of us at a different stage. 

    I'm from a military family with my siblings (including myself) serving in one of the branches  One of my brothers recently retired from the Army Special Forces.  He served in many tours in the war against terror.  A couple times when he came home he told me about some close calls he'd had.  I won't go into those stories, but I will say he struggled with living, especially when some of the people he served with died.  He still fights those demons; I'm sure he always will.  He lives in a larger city now with his wife.  Since retiring, he gives back to local veterans suffering from PTSD and those badly injured while serving.  I think this is part of his healing.

    I suppose those of us that are active on this forum are giving back in their own way.  Whether it is helping a newly diagnosed person come to grip with their new normal or helping a stage four survivor with questions around treatment options.   We're all terminal--that's part of life.  It's what we do with our time before our last breath that counts.  I know I can speak for many when I say that we appreciate the fact that you've dedicated some of your time to us.  

    Take care,

    Stub   

  • Srashedb
    Srashedb Member Posts: 482 Member
    Some thoughts

    Fox: why are you still here when others have passed? I detect a bit of survivor-guilt in your post. I am not a religious person although my tendency is towards the spiritual; that tendency leads me to never ask why. My dad would always say that there was a day of death for each of us and when that day came, there was no escaping.

    he was killed by a drunk driver who used his car as a deadly weapon; it was my son's 12th birthday. It was one of the most horrific experiences in my life but his belief in it being his day got me through it. I had breast cancer and have been a survivor since 1992. I have lost many friends diagnosed after me. Many had cell transplants and still died. So, I get the survivor guilt and had to remind myself to not ask why.

    the loss of Mark and Foots within days of each other rocks us all; having my husband camping and being active with stage 4 cancer is both a blessing and a feeling of why cannot be avoided so again I remind myself not to ask why.

    your journey is not done, Fox; there is still work for you to do and that includes being the poster boy. Stay tuned....

    Sarah

  • sucotai
    sucotai Member Posts: 19
    As someone training to be a

    As someone training to be a palliative care physician (such irony), I thought that I have seen enough to let myself make peace of death. Except I probably will never know how I will really feel until I come to that point. It has always been a bizarre feeling to see people become pulseless in front of me, and makes me wonder what it would be like at that moment before they stop breathing. Maybe that's what drew me into palliative care in the first place, that feeling of uncertainty, the fear of unknown, and the desire to try to make sense of everything. But I don't think it can ever be made sense of.

    ^Completely unrelated to your post (which was amazing), I'm just rambling, bad day at work today. Either way, we all have survivor's guilt. I have that every time when I see someone even younger than me come into palliative care. That's just life, really really weird life.

  • APny
    APny Member Posts: 1,995 Member
    I think Sarah said it

    I think Sarah said it perfectly. Your journey is simply not done. And I don't think it'll be done for a long time. 

  • Hang in there! your post is

    Hang in there! your post is so moving! Praying for you! 

  • marosa
    marosa Member Posts: 334 Member
    edited April 2017 #10
    Fox, I hope you know just how very special you are,

    That's all that I can say!

  • sandy23
    sandy23 Member Posts: 143 Member
    I have been thinking since

    I have been thinking since yesterday of a fitting way to respond to your post.  Nothing seems to be able to live up to the help and guidance that you have given me and my family.  Even though we may not "know" each other, you have touched my heart and will always remain there.  

    And remember, a very wise man said, "It's not dying from cancer, it's living with cancer".

  • pamstayner
    pamstayner Member Posts: 111 Member
    edited April 2017 #12
    That's it exactly... living with cancer.

    Foxie.. you are the guy.  You are the guy living with cancer.  I do NOT like your headline, dying with cancer.  Don't ever post that one again.  Because you are one of the most vocal on CSN, and we lost other vocal pilars over the last few years... and month, do not  go thinking you are the oldest dino-sour left on the site, and go getting soft on us.  We all are realizing the need to step up, and share the needs of those new to the site.  Looks to me like we need to shore up the old pilars too.  Stop the negative vibes.  Take a few days to sit out in the sun and know that there are many many here who are now of better mind and spirit because of you... and you know what? Together I want to be here to share the cure with everyone.  

    If you get a smile on that face... you will be a "Poster Boy" again.

    Pam...aka.. an old broad !  

     

  • APny
    APny Member Posts: 1,995 Member
    edited April 2017 #13
    Sandy and Pam, you said what

    Sandy and Pam, you said what I can't put into words that well but was thinking.

  • Allochka
    Allochka Member Posts: 1,060 Member
    You usually say FLY (Fox

    You usually say FLY (Fox loves you). Lets say FWLY -Fox, we love you. 

  • Jojo61
    Jojo61 Member Posts: 1,309 Member
    Foxy, we are all very

    Foxy, we are all very grateful that you are still with us. You are mentor, a rock, an inspiration. We have lost some very wonderful members...and it hurts. Having you here, after all you have been through, is such a comfort to me. And gives us all so much hope and belief.

    When I was in my twenties, I always felt that I wouldn't live a long life....then later went through a period in my life where I had to talk myself into staying on this earth. Every day. Thankfully that dark period in my life passed (along with a miserable marriage). But I think because of my period of dark despair, I forgot about that former feeling of not living a long life...until I was diagnosed with cancer. As I remembered that, I felt a little shock, wondering if it was a premonition that I had in my twenties. But 3 years out of diagnosis, I have been incredibly blessed. Although stage 3, I have not had any recurrences, or any challenges as so many of you had. Sarah mentioned "survivors guilt"...I think I might have a form of that. No treatment necessary, other than nephrectomy, no suffering like so many cancer patients have endured. Some friends here also have other serious illnesses that they also have to contend with. But what we do with all of this is what shapes us into who we are. I believe that also ties in with our "day of death" ...we are here for a reason, we should do our best with what we have been dealt with in life. It isn't always easy, but it can make a huge difference in our lives and positively touch other people's lives. You have positively touched our lives with your story and your compassion, Foxy - as well as so many other CSN members have here.

    Here's to "sharing the cure" (thanks Pam!).

    Hugs

    Jojo

     

     

  • angec
    angec Member Posts: 924 Member
    edited April 2017 #16
    Fox, you got this!

    I was so bummed to check in today to find that we lost two dear ones. Mark and Peter.  I feel so sad each time we lose another.  There are so many fighters on this board and that makes me so happy. There are new medicines and new ways to treat cancer (i hate that word) and they are not far off.  Keep digging, keep searching, keep fighting for new ways. 

    Fox, i send my love to you. I know how strong you are and i know that you will be here for the next drug that comes along.  There has been so many commercials out there for many. I have to admit that i have not been following the new drugs as i am dealing with my own issues at the moment.  My mom is still on Votrient and it is taking it's toll on her after 5 years.  But, she is soon to turn 85, so i guess that is a good thing. Each day i tell her to think about life and keep pushing for that morning sun.  For everyone on these boards, keep pushing for that morning sun. Hugs and love to all!  Love you Fox!  Going to miss seeing Mark and Peter, along with TJ, TW, Oneputt, Ron, Neil, Alex and a few others. But celebrating all those who are here now.  Ange

  • foxhd
    foxhd Member Posts: 3,181 Member
    You know...

    even I go through tough stretches. My 6 year anniversary. Cabo se's. Too many new members. Less old ones. Birthday. Fatigue. Bones hurt. Forgetful. Frustration with hand function and sensation. Broke. Yes, survivors guilt. Been cranky. Snow. It does all cycle and sometimes it's like Murphy's law and happens all at once.

    Good news: Latest blood work is excellent. Scans stable or better. I still have plenty to look forward to.

    FLY my friends!

     PS, I had wanted to express my closeness to recent events. But for the record, Yes, I am LIVING! oh yeah, with cancer

  • angec
    angec Member Posts: 924 Member
    foxhd said:

    You know...

    even I go through tough stretches. My 6 year anniversary. Cabo se's. Too many new members. Less old ones. Birthday. Fatigue. Bones hurt. Forgetful. Frustration with hand function and sensation. Broke. Yes, survivors guilt. Been cranky. Snow. It does all cycle and sometimes it's like Murphy's law and happens all at once.

    Good news: Latest blood work is excellent. Scans stable or better. I still have plenty to look forward to.

    FLY my friends!

     PS, I had wanted to express my closeness to recent events. But for the record, Yes, I am LIVING! oh yeah, with cancer

    Excellent news, Fox!

    Excellent news, Fox! Excellent news!  No guilt please, you go through enough.  I know you are looking forward to the Spring and warmer weather and possibly riding your bike?  Praying for you to feel better! Keep trucking! ELY!  Everyone Loves Fox!

    Ange

  • Ree_Maryland
    Ree_Maryland Member Posts: 161 Member
    foxhd said:

    You know...

    even I go through tough stretches. My 6 year anniversary. Cabo se's. Too many new members. Less old ones. Birthday. Fatigue. Bones hurt. Forgetful. Frustration with hand function and sensation. Broke. Yes, survivors guilt. Been cranky. Snow. It does all cycle and sometimes it's like Murphy's law and happens all at once.

    Good news: Latest blood work is excellent. Scans stable or better. I still have plenty to look forward to.

    FLY my friends!

     PS, I had wanted to express my closeness to recent events. But for the record, Yes, I am LIVING! oh yeah, with cancer

    FOX so happy you are on the

    FOX so happy you are on the mend again . I had my scans this morning and have some more on Monday ,than to the dr the 5th of April . nervous as all get up ,your last post here is a big help to me and others im sure.  

  • Jan4you
    Jan4you Member Posts: 1,330 Member
    I JUST LOVE YOU FOXIE BABY!!

    I JUST LOVE YOU FOXIE BABY!!

     

    Hugs, Jan

  • Steve.Adam
    Steve.Adam Member Posts: 463 Member
    Love and Philosophy.

    I wish I could say something profound about life and death but I just don't know anything. Some people come back from the edge with amazing stories. I'd like to have an experience like that but not enough to suffer the illness or injury that goes with it.

    I've always had an interest in philosophy and religion, to a lesser extent. But I've no idea how any of life's big questions might be answered. Meaning and purpose of life? No idea. Don't even ask me.

    But I do know that it is good to be alive. There are many forms of suffering that can take that away. Right now I am lucky enough to not know any of them, and I feel very grateful for that. It may not always be so.

    Most people would find my life quite dull, I think, and from a distance perhaps even somewhat empty. Now that I'm pretty much recovered from surgery I guess it's time to get back into 'normal life'...

    But right here, right now... I just like being alive. It is such a simple yet strong feeling that I have no words for it.

    Steve.