18, mom passed 2 weeks ago. lifes complicated...

I am 18 and i just lost my mother two weeks ago, to breast cancer. She had been fighting for 16 years and it was just this thing she had. She tried not to let it affect my life but you know, it does. Everything was okay, other than the Chemo's and dad having to work in Guam and Japan. Then in mid January when she became paralyzed from the t4 down. We had been on a family vacation to visit my dad in Guam. They sent my brother and I back to Texas and dad took mom to the ER. It was a roller coaster so many ups and downs and I am in College. So I tried to distance myself from it... I shouldn't have done that. I regret it. I wish I was there for her. Anyways she ended up coming home on hospice and after a while things just became normalish... So after finals, my family went on a road trip from Texas to Colorado to South Dakota to see my rushmore, it was supposed to go on all the way to Washington then Rowan the coast and come back to Texas. But we didn't make it. Mom was having a really hard time breathing and anxiety and we everything that could go wrong went wrong tensions were high... My grandmother(moms mom) and I have a real hard time getting along. So we came home. A few days later dad had to go to back to work ( in california) or we would lose our insurance. So sad leaves and two days later mom passed. Dad comes back home, my family doesn't really, well let's just say we don't talk about feelings. Mom and I did that. She was the only one I talked to. Do we did a little gathering and got her ashes, we will be spreading them on various beaches. But then life continues i am in summer classes at college an hour and half away and dad is in california. You know I have stuff I need to do and life doesn't stop... I guess I am just trying to avoid it. How did you move on? Why does this just consume you?  I am a very private person with my emotions and everyone asks how things are and you know you just say your ok and things go on. But really they're not. I hate the look of sympathy everyone gives you you know? My mom died in the 25 of May and my birthday is on June 25. I hate that she will miss all of the great things to come: college graduation, Air Force Commisioning, getting married, having kids.... Everything that she would be so proud of and that other people can share with their mom I can't she doesn't get to see me live like she wanted to she doesn't get to be that proud momma. Why does this suck so bad. I'd give anything for just a real hug where she can stand up and fully hug. I can't even remember what that's like...  How do you handle this and college and all the stress and pressure?  Sorry for the rant, guess I just needed an outlet, haven't slept in three days, very sad and lonely and just wanting everything to stop. Just want peace and my mom back but I'll never get to hold her again...