Overwhelmed

I have just found this board. I needed to find someone that understands how I feel. My husband was diagnosed in June 2015 with a benign anal condyloma, even though his surgeon and I knew I was more serious.  After numerous surgeries and abcess, which all included biopsies he was finally diagnosed with anal cancer in January.  This is after extreme pain and suffering which included the instalation of a colonoscopy bag. I am mad and he is also, someone dropped the ball here but there is nothing we can do but go forward.

As his only support I have had to deal with the majority of his pain and suffering. It's almost like he is mad that I am not hurting like he is, what he doesn't understand is that I don't have the physical pain but am dealing with the emotional pain. I do everything. Coordinate all doctor and home health care appointments. It's like dealing with a 5 yo. He had to have a biopsy on Friday and he didn't want to go but had too. So he spent the whole time complaining and blaming the discomfort on me, including in front of other people. I felt like the bad guy even though this had to be done.

I just feel like I am getting lost and only exist to take care of him which is completely unappreciated. I tried to take a couple hours for myself a few months ago and an hour in he was texting me to get home like it was an emergency. When I got home it turned out that his urine bottles were just full. He is able to get around some so there is no reason for him not to make it to the bathroom.

 

My feelings about things seem to not even matter. He has become the most selfish person I have ever met. He is mean to caregivers so I have to deal with them the majority of the time so that he continues with the care he needs. Sometimes I just feel like I will never feel Good about myself again and am going to be miserable forever.  There are many things he could do for himself but just won't do it such as calling his doctor when needed, keep track of appointments on his calender, and setting his alarm clock for appointments. 

I am so depressed but the thought of leaving is not an option for me. I could never leave him in this condition. I could never live with myself if I left him to deal with on his own. I cry all the time and hate myself for feeling sorry for myself. I don't know where to go with this and want to quit feeling so alone. I'm sorry for just dumping this on here  I know there r people going thro so much more. I just want to quit crying.