Survivor Guilt

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  • jalusa
    jalusa Member Posts: 21
    #22
    Trubrit said:

    Dearest Dave

    My heart aches for you and for the loss that no time will ever erase.

    I hope you are being good to yourself. We don't need to rush past that grief stage just as much as we don't need to wallow in it for years on end. Their is a happy balance, and I pray as time passes, that you will find that happy medium, where life goes on while aching for the loss of your wife. 

    We all know that Cancer doesn't have favourites. It picks and choses as it will. 

    Sue - Trubrit

     

     

     

    I am willing to risk feeling

    I am willing to risk feeling guilty if I survive.

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478 Member
    #23
    beaumontdave said:

    It's been six months now

    It's been six months now since I watched my wife pass from a brain tumor in a bed in our livingroom. I'm just now beginning to feel like myself again, or at least a reasonable fascimile. I don't know that I'll ever feel whole again, or lose the guilt entirely. She was the force that made this house, home; that made all the connections to friends and family. The one who gave holidays meaning, and gave me the sense of purpose for work, play, fixing things, most of the things I did. I'm trying to fill that role in my own fashion, but damn it's hard. The survivor guilt comes from knowing how well suited she was to survive my end, compared to the other way around. I have a tough time celebrating any clear scans or good tests for any length of time, because after being my rock for the first year and a half after my dx, and leaning on each other for the five years after her dx, then being her caregiver for that last year and a half, I survived and she didn't.  I know I'll get better with time , and I will share my story here, however it goes, but I very much understand the guilt. Like others have said, every bit of good news is a boost to me, I want to hear people getting better and stronger and embracing life no matter what it throws at them. I need to hear that..........Dave

    Oh Dave I'm so very sorry. I

    Oh Dave I'm so very sorry. I have no words. Sending hugs to you.

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478 Member
    #24
    jalusa said:

    I am willing to risk feeling

    I am willing to risk feeling guilty if I survive.

    Jalusa, you're absolutely

    Jalusa, you're absolutely right. It's just me. I can't seem to enjoy anything positive in my life without feeling like there's someone else out there who doesn't get to feel it and it takes away from it a bit. I like being an empathetic person but maybe it's at my own expense and that's not smart. And I realize that my feeling guilty doesn't take away from anyone else.

  • Helen321
    Helen321 Member Posts: 1,459 Member
    #25
    I don't have survivors guilt.

    I don't have survivors guilt.  I am happy to be NED.  I feel damn lucky to be NED.  I appreciate it and live well because of it.  I am making better choices, I am appreciating life more, I am being nicer.  NED could go away as fast as it started and I know that.   I have a question of more why one person survives and another one doesn't.  We all fight so hard.  I think it's just pure dumb luck.  You did this treatment, this moment on this day and it got the necessary cell.  While someone else did it half an hour too late or a day too early and missed a cell.  I often wonder if I had gone to Sloan from day one, would I even have this ostomy. I'm convinced my first surgeon screwed up.  Life sure is odd.  I don't come on anymore much.  Not because I'm moving on but because it's very painful emotionally. So many posts in a row of people who didn't make it.  I never got to meet these people but they got me through the hardest point in my life.  And now they're not here anymore.

    Your horse coming to visit you is hysterical!!!!!!  Can you please send me a link?  I'll try to google it.

  • lizard44
    lizard44 Member Posts: 409 Member
    #26
    I haven't

    survived long enough yet to feel guilty, but  like jalusa, I'm willing to take the risk. Please don't feel guilty.  Those of us who  have seen the statisics on survival rates often need to be reminded that people are not statistics; those of you who bounce back and survive despite setbacks and remain NED for long periods  help us to see that. And that gives us hope.

    Grace

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478 Member
    #27
    Helen321 said:

    I don't have survivors guilt.

    I don't have survivors guilt.  I am happy to be NED.  I feel damn lucky to be NED.  I appreciate it and live well because of it.  I am making better choices, I am appreciating life more, I am being nicer.  NED could go away as fast as it started and I know that.   I have a question of more why one person survives and another one doesn't.  We all fight so hard.  I think it's just pure dumb luck.  You did this treatment, this moment on this day and it got the necessary cell.  While someone else did it half an hour too late or a day too early and missed a cell.  I often wonder if I had gone to Sloan from day one, would I even have this ostomy. I'm convinced my first surgeon screwed up.  Life sure is odd.  I don't come on anymore much.  Not because I'm moving on but because it's very painful emotionally. So many posts in a row of people who didn't make it.  I never got to meet these people but they got me through the hardest point in my life.  And now they're not here anymore.

    Your horse coming to visit you is hysterical!!!!!!  Can you please send me a link?  I'll try to google it.

    Helen, I agree about it being

    Helen, I agree about it being a total crap shoot. I still think that it's something like a flu or bacteria that someone gets exposed to and others don't. I recently heard that people who have infections after the surgery are less likely to have a recurrence. I had two abcesses and an infection in the incision site. Maybe that's what's helped me. Maybe it's nothing to do with chemo or radiation or eating properly or taking supplements.

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478 Member
    #28
    lizard44 said:

    I haven't

    survived long enough yet to feel guilty, but  like jalusa, I'm willing to take the risk. Please don't feel guilty.  Those of us who  have seen the statisics on survival rates often need to be reminded that people are not statistics; those of you who bounce back and survive despite setbacks and remain NED for long periods  help us to see that. And that gives us hope.

    Grace

    Grace, I pray that we'll all

    Grace, I pray that we'll all be part of the NED club and die in our beds at an old age without any suffering beforehand.

  • NewHere
    NewHere Member Posts: 1,427 Member
    #29
    It Is Difficult Not To Have Some Guilt Or Thoughts

     I am Stage IIIC with 11 lymph nodes involved.  Had the surgery and chemo, yet when I read what others have gone through, it almost feels like I pretending in having cancer.  (My wife realizes more than I do in terms of how it affected me going through all the treatments, I just on doing the best I could, but she saw how it affected me physically more than I have I think.)  The stories from people here with their issues with chemo, radiation, inordinate numbers of surgery and the amazing bravery and strength.  Maybe guilt is not the right word for me. 

  • thingy45
    thingy45 Member Posts: 632 Member
    #30
    NewHere said:

    It Is Difficult Not To Have Some Guilt Or Thoughts

     I am Stage IIIC with 11 lymph nodes involved.  Had the surgery and chemo, yet when I read what others have gone through, it almost feels like I pretending in having cancer.  (My wife realizes more than I do in terms of how it affected me going through all the treatments, I just on doing the best I could, but she saw how it affected me physically more than I have I think.)  The stories from people here with their issues with chemo, radiation, inordinate numbers of surgery and the amazing bravery and strength.  Maybe guilt is not the right word for me. 

    Guilty

    yes, I'm guilty being four almost five years NED. Do I feel guilty? it must be, because I'm a lurker. Not saying much, because I feel I have so little to offer on the board . I refused the chemo and radiation and was told I would die in five months. But I'm here, alive. Even being NED I still live the remnants of my cancer every day. Ask me for a bathroom and I can tell you everyone within. 5 mile radius in the town I live in. having dinner before going to a show or see a movie is nerve racking. Where is the bathroom and do I make it in time. People sitting next to me have asked me if I'm "OK" the noises from the working of my colon sounds like the start of an earthquake or the passing  of a freight train. When I do have to go it is immediate , no waiting possible , explosive at times. Sorry to be so grafic  but I know you all understand. 

    Do I feel guilty to be alive? NO, only when I come on this board and read all the suffering I did not go through. Indeed why me? Is it because my daughter needs me because she has a horrible painful decease? Trigiminial neuralgia it is called. Is it because I refused Chemo and Radiation? Who knows ? Is it because I changed all my eating habits, use herbs instead of man made medication ? There is no answer.

    I made friends here and I invited friends on my friends list. They are all gone now . That's what makes me feel guilty , all the names on my friend list are memories. That's the reason I have not taken on more friends, I'm afraid to loose them. 

    i know it is silly, but that is me feeling quilty.

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478 Member
    #31
    NewHere said:

    It Is Difficult Not To Have Some Guilt Or Thoughts

     I am Stage IIIC with 11 lymph nodes involved.  Had the surgery and chemo, yet when I read what others have gone through, it almost feels like I pretending in having cancer.  (My wife realizes more than I do in terms of how it affected me going through all the treatments, I just on doing the best I could, but she saw how it affected me physically more than I have I think.)  The stories from people here with their issues with chemo, radiation, inordinate numbers of surgery and the amazing bravery and strength.  Maybe guilt is not the right word for me. 

    I know what you mean New Here. Mine

    I know what you mean New Here. Mine has been pretty simple and I read about so many things other people go through that I haven't and I feel so bad for them. And then I think about how my port insertion was a mess and over a year later it started to come out through my skin. I think about the two abcesses I had after the cancer surgery that put me back in the hopsital twice and were horrible. Having the drains put in was incredibly painful. And then the infection in my incision which required being packed every day and was terribly painful. And then to top it all off I had the blood clot and amost lost my life to that and have had to come back from complete paralysis because of it and the stroke that came with it. Yet I think I've had it easy. And, if I survive this for another ten to fifteen years I'll think it was all worth it.

  • JanJan63
    JanJan63 Member Posts: 2,478 Member
    #32
    thingy45 said:

    Guilty

    yes, I'm guilty being four almost five years NED. Do I feel guilty? it must be, because I'm a lurker. Not saying much, because I feel I have so little to offer on the board . I refused the chemo and radiation and was told I would die in five months. But I'm here, alive. Even being NED I still live the remnants of my cancer every day. Ask me for a bathroom and I can tell you everyone within. 5 mile radius in the town I live in. having dinner before going to a show or see a movie is nerve racking. Where is the bathroom and do I make it in time. People sitting next to me have asked me if I'm "OK" the noises from the working of my colon sounds like the start of an earthquake or the passing  of a freight train. When I do have to go it is immediate , no waiting possible , explosive at times. Sorry to be so grafic  but I know you all understand. 

    Do I feel guilty to be alive? NO, only when I come on this board and read all the suffering I did not go through. Indeed why me? Is it because my daughter needs me because she has a horrible painful decease? Trigiminial neuralgia it is called. Is it because I refused Chemo and Radiation? Who knows ? Is it because I changed all my eating habits, use herbs instead of man made medication ? There is no answer.

    I made friends here and I invited friends on my friends list. They are all gone now . That's what makes me feel guilty , all the names on my friend list are memories. That's the reason I have not taken on more friends, I'm afraid to loose them. 

    i know it is silly, but that is me feeling quilty.

    Thingy, yes, there will

    Thingy, yes, there will always be remnants. Some of them I wonder how long will last or if they'll ever go away. I have pain in my bones all the time but it's my new normal. It only bothers me if I have a bad day with it. I still have neuropathy in my feet but didn't after fnishing chemo so it's probably from the blood clot, not the chemo. I still get tired easily and my memory is pretty pathetic. A good day for me now would have been a bad day pre cancer. But it's not terrible and I can certainly live with it. As long as I live I'm happy.

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