My family has abandoned me

Hi-I just stopped in to see if things are going better? Thinking of you..

Denise

Hinton said:

My siblings have abandoned me as well

I am in total disbelief that none of my sisters or brother have even bothered to give me a phone call.  I just went through a prostatectomy, which is a pretty big blow to the male ego and is also a humiliating and humbling experience.  If it weren't for my sweet wife and her loving sister, I would have probably just given up.  My mother is too old to drive to come to my side, but she has been very caring throughout this ordeal, so no problem there.  My oldest sister at least sent me an eCard which I wouldn't have known about if not for filtering through my junk mail.  My younger sister and brother have not responded at all, however their spouses have!  I just don't get it.  I am totally hurt and don't understand what I could have done to them to make them care so little for me.  I have been at their children's births, and have always called and been concerned when they were ill and came to their bedside when I could.  A simple phonecall saying, "Hey brother, we're praying for you and love you" would have made all of the difference in the world.

We have no children by no choice of our own, so it makes it a harder pill to swallow when your own siblings treat you like dirt.  So you're not alone at all Mardibra, yours is not an isolated case.

May God Bless

Hinton - You might get more replies that apply to you and what you are experiencing if you posted in the Prostate forum instead of Breast Cancer.

chekcing back to see how things are going for you???????????????

Denise

Hinton said:

My siblings have abandoned me as well

I am in total disbelief that none of my sisters or brother have even bothered to give me a phone call.  I just went through a prostatectomy, which is a pretty big blow to the male ego and is also a humiliating and humbling experience.  If it weren't for my sweet wife and her loving sister, I would have probably just given up.  My mother is too old to drive to come to my side, but she has been very caring throughout this ordeal, so no problem there.  My oldest sister at least sent me an eCard which I wouldn't have known about if not for filtering through my junk mail.  My younger sister and brother have not responded at all, however their spouses have!  I just don't get it.  I am totally hurt and don't understand what I could have done to them to make them care so little for me.  I have been at their children's births, and have always called and been concerned when they were ill and came to their bedside when I could.  A simple phonecall saying, "Hey brother, we're praying for you and love you" would have made all of the difference in the world.

We have no children by no choice of our own, so it makes it a harder pill to swallow when your own siblings treat you like dirt.  So you're not alone at all Mardibra, yours is not an isolated case.

May God Bless

I've always been there for my family and when I was diagnosed with breast cancer everyone just checked out. My fiancé says he doesn't like hospital so he would drop me off and pick me up after my 4 hour infusions for the past 6 months. I've been pretty much on my own with the exception of rides to and from chemo. It makes me wonder do they think I'm so strong that I can handle this on my own. Oh well lessened learned.

just to add a small post: i so much understand! i am soo tired of all the same sob stories about women whith cancer who have their spouses or boyfriends around them, accompanying them to hospitals, buying thins for them, bringing flower and presentdś and doing all the chores. these stories are supposed to be uplifting. no, the make the whole thing much worse for us. i have no bf no husband, my mother died just before i got cancer, and my dad is wonderful bu very old and frail. i have had three surgeries and visit the onco word monthly for shots of hormonal treatment and often also for other things, checkups, repairs etc, must be about 100 appointments to the hospitla which is nit very close, plus  alot of other doctors elsewhere. this has been going for 2 years and is not ending any tome soon. i have seen all those couples (and wondered how much easier would the treatment be if i was not alone) waiting for appintments, and people coming to visit patients where i had surgery. i had some friends over. the last surgery was good because a good friend could come several times so the mending went easier somehow. i am very disfiguerd after surgery, and i doubt i will ever date again, or find someone. looks like i will die alone. 

SIROD said:

Going At It Alone...

At the time of diagnosed, I was single (divorced) with two teenage sons. Two and half months earlier a minor surgery turned into a staph infection that nearly cost my life. My parents, sister and two brothers all live out-of-state. I have no relatives who even remotely lived near me. I relied on friends when I really had no choice.

I never have anyone with me for appointments, tests or treatments. I don’t even tell anyone that I will have a scan and only after I have the results and a solution (if one is needed) and only if I feel they need to know. Surgeries are a problem as one does need someone to take them home. That is when I call my friends. Usually it will be two, one to take me and one to bring me home. Especially important if it is an out-patient procedure. No one has to hang around a hospital waiting. When I have been hospitalized (infections) I drove myself.

I work full time and did so throughout my treatments. I do believe that you should take time to heal. I have never taken the full time allotted by my employer. I believe strongly that the sooner you are back to the normal routine, the sooner you will feel better.

I’m telling you my story so that you know that this is all doable on your own. I have learned over the years that the only people who understand what you are now going are those who have had the experience a diagnose with breast cancer and all it implies. Your family, your friends will understand a bit at first but soon it becomes “old news” and they are not interested in all the finer points that we, who have and are going through it understand.

You do have one brother who seems to have a lot of empathy for your predicament. Your two other brothers had more for your mother’s status as grieving widow and don’t seem to want to understand what has happen to you. You can’t infuse them with “caring”. You attacked your brothers and your mother felt a need to defend them. This must have been the family dynamics through the years.

It isn’t easy but you can get through this on your own. I did and am all the stronger for it. Ideally, the best situation is to have a spouse who is loving and caring. Since you nor I have that, then we have to make the best of the situation as it is. I believe you can.

Best to you,

Doris

very good post. yes, doable on ones own but quite tough. great photo yb the way

ESDC said:

Broken
I'm stunned to read your story and my heart goes out to you. I understand that grief does terrible things to people, and only time will help your family's wounds, but you must be totally crushed; as anyone would.

I must admit that when I got my diagnosis it wasn't until after my surgery that I told my family. I was worried what it would do to my parents, who are both in their very late 70s, and somehow I felt if no-one knew I could cope better. To a certain extent this is still true as I've only told immediate family, and only then given the barest of details.
I suppose alot of people wouldn't understand this coping mechanism, and my in-laws did feel 'shut out', but I had to do what worked for me. Of course this is totally my own choice, and a very selfish one at that.

What I'm trying to say is that perhaps your family's VERY CRUEL reaction is their way of coping. They're pulling down the shutters on stress as they just can't cope with anymore. I'm not saying it is anyway right, or an acceptable reaction, but it's probably just pure raw emotion, at its worst. You're all having the most horrendous time in your lives and you being diagnosed is just too much; not that it isn't for you too. Doesn't the saying go that we hurt the ones we love the most.

You'll certainly not get any cruel reactions on here. You'll make a whole new circle of the kindest, caring friends who'll help you through this and not abandon you when you need it most.

Sending you heaps of support, love and hugs.

Eliza xxxx

you might be very right that it is their way of coping, however, for me it is a way that is totally wrong 

I am in a slightly similar situation. to be honest, i believe i am in the earlier stages of the saem thign. My mom died last year of breast cancer, three weeks after I was diagnosed. My father is super fragile, especially after my mother's death and I am scared that he is going to take this super hard. I haven't told him about my bilateral masectomy yet, because I am scared he is going to overreact or collapse. My sisters have been pretty distant and right now, the only person I have is my boyfriend. He seems to be increasingly irritated by me--and to be honest I can't blame him since my hormones are all over the place and I tend to lash out. I just dont know what I will do if he leaves since i dont have my sisters and i'm scared for my dad. Please let me know if you found something to help you. I am glad I am not alone in this. xx

Your post makes me angry at the selfishness of your local brothers, but buried in the story is your own strength and the love of your brother who lives far away. 

It made me think of my own expectations and the hurt that I have allowed others to inflict on me. See, I'm the wife of a lung cancer patient (1st dx was adno carcinoma in upper right lobe). He had the R. upper lobe resected and had chemo 11 years ago, and now the cancer is on the left side  He had surgery on to remove the LEFT lobe and started chemo 2 weeks ago. I have stepped away from a demanding career as an administrator and I'm going with my husband to all appointments and treatments. I never imagined my life as a "care giver" and yet here I am. I have no regrets at all. But my disappointment lies in my husband's family. His brothers don't talk and when one brother does make a rare  call, he glosses over the ever changing needs of my husband and talks about himself. I think, "What a jerk!"  I then reflect on the good support that strangers and my own family have lent to me. My family lives in another state and each sister has made a trip out to help me care for my husband. So angels come in unexpected places. Look for your angels that are not to be found in your brothers who don't get it. Hang in there. Please keep us posted.   

Rosana

debsweb18 said:

I am sorry you're going through this.
I think you have a right to be hurt. I couldn't have made it through without my family's help. My siblings and parents don't live near me, but my cousin and aunt brought me food a few times. How old are your brothers? Maybe they just don't know how much help you need. I don't think my sons who are in their 20s did, but I also didn't ask for help. They would have if I asked. If you haven't already, maybe you could sit down with them and let them know how you feel and that you need support. Some people just don't know how to act when they're scared for their loved ones. They may be putting their heads in the sand pretending like there's nothing wrong with you.

If you don't get the support you need from them, you'll get it here!

Deb

hi Mardi,

I totally know what you are saying. my doctor really scared me today and my 16 year old daughter read a text that I sent to my husband about it and went to sleep at her friends house and my husband just went to bed without talking to me about it first. It's almost like just because it isn't happening to YHRM, it just isn't happening and they don't waNt to know about it or have to think about it. I'm going through a recurrence, so I think about it pretty much all the time. If you want to talk, I'm here for you.