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Funny Bonz IV
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May 24, 2013 - 8:07 am
In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised, that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying, for example: The hairdryer; An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' ' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
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Joined: Apr 2013
Adam's Rib
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to"
God said, " Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called woman. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense"
Adam asked, " what will this woman cost?"
God said, " An arm and a leg "
Adam said, " What can I get for just a rib?"
Joined: Nov 2009
The original sin...
Joined: Apr 2013
Stupid Man
There was a flood in a village. One man said to everyone, "I'll stay!, God will save me!. The flood got higher and higher and a boat came, and a man said, " Come on mate, get in! " .. "No!" replied the man, " God will save me! " The flood got very high and the man had to stand on the roof of his house. A helicopter soon came, and a man offered him help," "No!, God will save me!" he said.... Eventually, he died by drowning.... He got to the gates of heaven and he said to God, " Why didn't you save me?"....God replied " For goodness sake!! I sent you a boat and a helicopter, what more do you want!!
Joined: Nov 2009
Older men scams...
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall, parking lots, etc. But this is the first warning I have seen for men, and I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. Last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping. Simply going to get supplies turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come up to your vehicle as you are putting away your purchases. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb in the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th... Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Joined: Feb 2013
Any particular McDonalds or . . .
Joined: Jan 2013
An Oldie
An Oldie but a goodie... for guys, that is...!!! :)
Joined: Nov 2009
Just like Frank...
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Joined: Jul 2012
Reason for delay
The Ambidextrous Golfer.....
A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.
A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 am
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45 am"
She showed up at 6:30 am sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 am or 6:45 am"
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 am sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her..
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Joined: Nov 2009
Cops that care...
I get irritated when people come down on our police officers,
saying that they don't care about or respect others.
Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.
This story involves the police department in the
small hill country town of Fredericksburg , TX who reported
finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening
in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge.
The dead man's name would not be released until this family had been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption
while visiting "someone" in Kerrville .
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt,
a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids,
2 1/2 inch false eyelashes
and an Obama T-shirt.
The police removed the Obama T-shirt
to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
See there, Texas Police do care.
Joined: Nov 2009
Sex after death...
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!” "Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
Joined: Nov 2009
Golf and the genie...
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest
house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is
going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come
on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near
the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?
'Uh...yeah!, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you still believe in
genies?'
Joined: Nov 2009
The new teacher...
A former Army Ranger took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher had been an Army Ranger, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence...
The rest of the year went very smoothly.
Joined: Nov 2009
How the internet started...
NO...this is not an Al Gore story...
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy
young wife by the name of Dorothy.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and
long of leg. Indeed, she was often
called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods
when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said,
"How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you
have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best
price. The sale can be made on the drums and
delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out
and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at
the top price, without ever having to
move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that
only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over
Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were
called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed
that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer,
Brother William of Gates, who bought off every
drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that
would work only with Brother Gates'
drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon
started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
He soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began.
Joined: Oct 2012
Origins
But did it end when she took a bite of that APPLE?
Joined: Jan 2010
Laughs
A pretty blond, recently divorced, just had a nepherectomy. While trying to find an appropriate date for her wedding, she asked her Surgeon how long do I have to wait after the surgery to do it?
Surgeon: I can be available in about 3 weeks, and
we can take the stitches out then.
Icemantoo.
Joined: Jan 2013
Fred
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
Joined: Nov 2009
I love Maxine...
Joined: Nov 2009
Only the Irish...
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little s**t, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
of Guinness Stout and drowned."
Did he at least go quickly?"
he got out three times to pee."
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"
Joined: Nov 2009
Exercise...
Joined: Nov 2009
Beer, more than just a breakfast drink...
I hope these show on your screens, they're funny!
Joined: Nov 2011
Pics
Not on mine I'm afraid, Gary.
Joined: Nov 2009
Your age according to Home Depot...
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick up too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there. Got to save trips! Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter.
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
Joined: Feb 2009
I regret to say...
that I have been to the hardware store(s) in the jeans that have been splattered with a bleach solution from pressure washing the patio, my stained purple Relay t-shirt, old shoes and a straw hat with a hole in it for my pony tail. But I don't have a dog or a ripped crotch in the pants. But still in my 70's and who cares? Am I on track for the aging list?
Donna
Joined: Nov 2009
Good luck Mr. Gorsky...
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA....
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK
- "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT MR. GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.
HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO
PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT
MR. GORSKY, "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
IT BROKE THE PLACE UP.
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
Joined: Nov 2009
Senior love...
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
Seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Vicki is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite
Joined: Nov 2009
Dinner date conversation...
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster, Patron, Champagne .
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a bl** job tonight."
I said "Would you care for dessert?"
Joined: Nov 2009
Rainy weekend...
Joined: Jan 2013
Bail'em out..!!..?? Hell...
Bail'em out..!!..?? Hell... back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch in Nevada for tax evasion, and as required by law tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry our health plans to the same nit wits who couldn't make money running a ***** house and selling whiskey..?? What the hell are we thinking..?
From a cartoon just sent to me...
Joined: Jul 2012
Warning
Joined: Nov 2011
Brilliant!
Sitting here in the UK, I'd say: Absolutely, without any reservation!!!
Joined: Nov 2009
Puerto Rico postage stamps...
Had to clean this one up a bit, but you'll get the gist...
A woman calls her Gyno for an appointment explaining that she keeps finding Puerto Rican postage stamps in her panties.
At the appointment the doc says its one of the strangest things he has ever heard and says "Lets take a look." so into the stirrups she goes.
As he examines her the doctor suddlenly begins to laugh uncontrolably, which upsets her and she demands to know what he is laughing at.
"Well" he says, "they're not postage stamps, they're Chiquita Banana stickers."
Joined: Nov 2009
It was an honest mistake...
This morning I was beaten up by a woman. I was in an elevator when this beautiful, busty woman got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, "Would you please press 1?"
Maybe I pressed them both...I don't remember much after that.
Joined: Nov 2009
A well written police report...
Joined: Jan 2013
Women
You can tell a lot about a wonan's mood by looking at her hands.
For instance, if she is holding a gun, she is probably angry.
Joined: Nov 2009
Physicians Weigh in on Obama Care...
The AMA has reported the following regarding the AHCA;
The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but.
The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a
misconception,
While the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!",
While the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
While the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and
The Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole
new face on the matter".
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but,
The Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and,
Those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end,
The Proctologists won out,
Leaving the entire decision up to the a$$holes in Washington.
Joined: Nov 2009
Why, why, why???
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK, then it's you.
A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like, well, night.
Joined: Nov 2009
Why Ethel changed hotels!!!!!!
Joined: Nov 2009
A new bedtime wine for seniors...
Clare Valley vintners in South Australia,
which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be
marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
I just could not help it!
Joined: Jan 2013
Cheap Drinks..
OK, those few of you from the other side of the pond will get this a bit faster than some of us Yanks... Ron
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London . They
turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p.”
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says,
"That'll be 10p each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each
other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are
produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please."
They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a 10p a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted
to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer—it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Yorkshire .
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price”.
Joined: Jul 2012
Newspaper Corrections
Joined: Feb 2009
Honest..it's in a trade newsletter
At least one positive thing can be said to have come from the sixteen-day government shutdown that brought nearly all federal agencies to grinding halt. Someone finally threw out that can of soup that's been languishing in the lunchroom refrigerator. Yes, the federal Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) cleaned out their employees' lunchroom fridge and discovered a leftover can of Campbell;s soup that had taken up residence there since 1997. (Source: WashingtonPost.com)
Joined: Jan 2013
OK.. you are warned..
OK.. you are warned.. laughter is apt to break out when you see this video...
http://www.youtube.com/embed/2kpjnGWPmj0
Ron
Joined: Feb 2009
It's Thursday-Pun Time
T-Shirts for Sale:
7 days without a pun make one weak.
Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.
Her bootlegging was illegal, but I loved her still.
Poultry in Motion. (with chickens walking)
A tardy cannibal gets the Cold Shoulder
A backward poet writes inverse.
Never play cards in the Serengeti. There are too many cheetahs.
I regret not developing my photographic memory.
For Lease Navidad.
Once I was a tap dancer but I fell into the sink.
Mathemeticians wear glasses because they improve division.
'Tis better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall.
When I talk about computers, I make my motherboard.
Ancient orators tended to Babylon.
Dishonest golfers don't play the fairway.
That cheese doesn't belong to you. It's nacho cheese.
My theory on inertia has no momentum.
Joined: Nov 2009
Sports quotes...
I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.
- Doug Sanders, professional golfer
All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer."
Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher
Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.
- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach
When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.
- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver
I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.
- Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager
My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.
- E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations
My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good.
- Vic Braden, tennis instructor
Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.
- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver
When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did – but it was Mrs. Koufax’s.
- Tommy John N.Y. Yankees recalling his 1974 arm surgery
I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.
- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles
We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.
- John Breen, Houston Oilers
The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.
- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons
When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.
- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.
- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.
- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner
Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.
- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.
I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.
- Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach
I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.
- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
I tell him “Attaway to hit, George.”
- Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting
I learned a long time ago that “minor surgery” is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.
- Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers
Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.
- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.
I think the way they have treated Lance Armstrong is just terrible. He won seven Tour DeFrance races while on drugs. I couldn't even find my bike when I was on drugs. - Willie Nelson
Joined: Nov 2009
The poker player...
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down
under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife,
Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on
the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. 'After
taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this
offer,
Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim
didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m sharp -
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his
wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon.'
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did
he give you $500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give
me $500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and
pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
Joined: Nov 2009
Diapers vs. Depends...
The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will!
Joined: Jul 2012
Gary is in the hospital
Who the hell is Gary ?
Well Gary is the geezer who got home late one night and his wife says "Where the hell have you been?"
Gary replies "I was getting a tattoo!"...
"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar note on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a CPA get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well,
One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."
Gary is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice.
Joined: Mar 2012
ONLY YOU, Alex can tell these
ONLY YOU, Alex can tell these jokes! It did make me laugh! Hope you are well!
Joined: Jan 2013
The Dentist
This attractive woman is at the Dentist... The Dentist says, "Wow, that tooth has got to come out.." The woman replies.." I would rather have a baby than have my tooth pulled." To which the Dentist answerw... "OK but I will have to adjust the chair..".. (hope that is not a repeat..).
Ron
Joined: Jul 2012
I am proud to live in Toronto (suburbs)
I don't know if anyone has been following the bizzare behavior of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford including his heavy drinking, smoking crack, doing coke, sex scandals, fighting with the police, association with mafia, etc. I find him very amusing and sort of a kindred spirit.
Here's his latest "Eating Out" scandal http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4siKr6qY8w (mature themes) and his "Crazy Rant" caught on video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcPD7tzcU60 (violence, coarse language)
And for all other cities: "How to Tell if Your Mayor is Smoking Crack" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0q_uLzEljo8
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