only children = orphan adults
Comments
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minorityRMisener said:No magic solutions, just live one day at a time
It is with deep sadness and great sorrow that I come to this place. I thank each and every one of you for sharing your stories with this forum and with me by default extension. The passing of a loved one is never an event that is easily or summarily processed. I don't know that being an adult only child orphan is any more or less difficult. I only know that it is a unique path of experience that those with sibling or surviving parental support don't fathom as their grieving experience is so much different than ours.
I'm 44 years of age forever going on 18, never married and no children (as the old joke goes....”that I know of”). I was raised by my mother whom was a single parent that married later in life in her mid 50's. I never knew my father. In addition I barely had contact with my mothers side of the family growing up, which consisted of her two brothers (one of which has two children) and her mother, who has since passed as well. I believe during my life that I have spent a total of less than two weeks with them all in total. Including the week before my mother passed when her brothers came to say goodbye. I do not expect to have any further contact with them, other than a face book type posting here and there as our one sole connection has been lost. So for those that feel alone, without any blood relatives, for all intensive purposes, I identify with you the most. Never have I felt more alone and lost. It's a feeling of grave despair.
I lost my mother to cancer on September 29, 2011. Her illness had metastasized to multiple areas of her body, she was stage four at the end but she had fought cancer in several bouts over the previous ten years. She was in her mid 60's. To those that are older, mid 60's is still relatively young, so much life to be lived and to look forward to. One would think that I could have been prepared appropriately. I thought that I was prepared but the reality is simply this, one can never prepare for the loss of a loved one. There are no magic words or magic bullets to prepare, to deal or to heal from the devastation of such loss.
I am impressed and envious with those of you who have the ability to express, discuss and/or address their grief so quickly after their loss. I am not made of that ilk. I am told that I have some Irish in me and although I am not prone to following the cultural norms, I feel that a part of me does act in accordance with my heritage. I did what came naturally, I buried my feelings.....my anger, my sorrow, my hatred, my grief, my scorn and I moved on with life …..or so I had thought. Although I did that which I needed to do, there are consequences. Other things I have found burred are my loves, my relations with others, my passions, my ability to cope with change, my resolve and even my identity. Over the past ten months I have lost more, including a fiancee and a home. I'm not sure of anything but I suspect it stems from the loss of my mother and my so called being “prepared” to handle it. Although, like many, I had challenges in life before my loss, I was navigating and dealing with things on my own terms. After my loss, well there does seem to be such a thing as a snow ball effect after all. From the sounds of it, many of you have experienced this same effect in your own unique way. To all my fellow orphaned survivors I give you a bug hug, at least in type. At this point I'm not sure I'll even post this, it has felt good to type out these thoughts alone.
At this point I feel that I only retain a fraction of my previous confident gregarious self. Some days I am feeling a little better, other days I am filled with unfathomable dread and sorrow. All I can offer for anyone else going through a similar experience is to do your best each and every day, to realize that you are not alone and to take things one day at a time.
Thank you Diane for starting this thread back in 2004.
To any that are readers...and I'm sure there are a few, I am open to being added as friends, please feel free.
Very few people can identify with being a single, only child adult orphan. That seems to be the core of the problem. When you do try to explain the aloneness in the world you feel, you get inane platitudes that demonstrate how little they comprehend. Even if you have one loved one on the other side of the world, there is still one person who cares about you. When you have no close family left, you are utterly alone in the world.0 -
me tooonlyorphan said:minority
Very few people can identify with being a single, only child adult orphan. That seems to be the core of the problem. When you do try to explain the aloneness in the world you feel, you get inane platitudes that demonstrate how little they comprehend. Even if you have one loved one on the other side of the world, there is still one person who cares about you. When you have no close family left, you are utterly alone in the world.
Hello friends! I see this thread has been active for 8 years. Unfortunately my father passed away suddenly when I was 13. I am now 27 and two months ago my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, which is not curable. I am an only child (adopted actually). My mother has been my best friend. I am so sad - soon my family will be gone.0 -
I Understand!ata2d said:orphan and fighting cancer
I hear your pain, I lost my father when I was 17 and my mother when I was 33 and was first diagnosed with cancer when I was 38. Now I'm 42 and the cancer is back. If my mom was here she would just take control and drag me through this lol. She was the strongest lady I've ever known. People don't realize how much more difficult it is to go through this alone. In all aspects it is more difficult finacially it ruined me the first time. Just started my first chemo 6 days ago and I have no idea how this will play out.
Dear Ata:
My name is LifeStar! I think I understand where you are coming from. First and foremost, being an orphan regardless after we turned 18 or not is never natural nor smooth for a person to undergo in life! Secondly, when an orphan has to undergo the brutality such as fighting cancer or other bodily illnesses or injuries in life, it is already brutal and lonely enough! Thirdly, it is never honorable nor helpful for our friends or acquaintances to tell us or to brain wash us that tough times make us stronger or better person or that we caused our loneliness when obviously that is hardly the case in life! My point is being an Orphan is brutal enough let alone some of us have to be Orphans and being Single which intensified the aloneness and darkness in our daily momentum.
Lastly, there has been staggering evidence that when a person tends to close up his or her own personal experience or feelings whether the experience is good or bad, this person has high tendency to develop cancer or other body illnesses. From my healthcare training, knowledge, and intuition, this happens mainly is because “whatever we are going through in life; we need and must find the right and suitable way to express our experience (good or bad and allowing tears to flow out of our eyes and fall down to our face) including self-talk to ourselves or write to ourselves along with engaging in artistic or other appropriate expressions that is suitable for the individual! The truth of matter is not expressing what our mind, spirit, and body are undergoing is like suffocating our necessity, task, and body to release the bodily, mental, or spiritual/functional tensions or load that our body has been undergoing based on whatever that triggered and transmitted tension(s) or toxicity into our body, our body systems, and our daily momentum!”
By no means, I am not indicating that “cancer patients” themselves are responsible for the development of their cancer in their body due to their inability or refusal to authentically express what they have undergone in life in any occasion whether the personal experience is good or bad! However, “it is always healthier, more appropriate and more authentic to express exactly (no more and no less) in terms of what your mind, spirit, and body are undergoing based upon the specific set of circumstances!” Again, your body knows what you are going through and it is your job or our job to be a good and wise listener to what our body needs and then carry out our tasks as a human being to care for our body, mind, and spirit let alone Life per se is so precious and yet so vulnerable if we neglected our body, our body systems, and the people (family and true friends) that are dear and close to us!
Sincerely,
LifeStar0 -
The Hole that never seems to HealRMisener said:No magic solutions, just live one day at a time
It is with deep sadness and great sorrow that I come to this place. I thank each and every one of you for sharing your stories with this forum and with me by default extension. The passing of a loved one is never an event that is easily or summarily processed. I don't know that being an adult only child orphan is any more or less difficult. I only know that it is a unique path of experience that those with sibling or surviving parental support don't fathom as their grieving experience is so much different than ours.
I'm 44 years of age forever going on 18, never married and no children (as the old joke goes....”that I know of”). I was raised by my mother whom was a single parent that married later in life in her mid 50's. I never knew my father. In addition I barely had contact with my mothers side of the family growing up, which consisted of her two brothers (one of which has two children) and her mother, who has since passed as well. I believe during my life that I have spent a total of less than two weeks with them all in total. Including the week before my mother passed when her brothers came to say goodbye. I do not expect to have any further contact with them, other than a face book type posting here and there as our one sole connection has been lost. So for those that feel alone, without any blood relatives, for all intensive purposes, I identify with you the most. Never have I felt more alone and lost. It's a feeling of grave despair.
I lost my mother to cancer on September 29, 2011. Her illness had metastasized to multiple areas of her body, she was stage four at the end but she had fought cancer in several bouts over the previous ten years. She was in her mid 60's. To those that are older, mid 60's is still relatively young, so much life to be lived and to look forward to. One would think that I could have been prepared appropriately. I thought that I was prepared but the reality is simply this, one can never prepare for the loss of a loved one. There are no magic words or magic bullets to prepare, to deal or to heal from the devastation of such loss.
I am impressed and envious with those of you who have the ability to express, discuss and/or address their grief so quickly after their loss. I am not made of that ilk. I am told that I have some Irish in me and although I am not prone to following the cultural norms, I feel that a part of me does act in accordance with my heritage. I did what came naturally, I buried my feelings.....my anger, my sorrow, my hatred, my grief, my scorn and I moved on with life …..or so I had thought. Although I did that which I needed to do, there are consequences. Other things I have found burred are my loves, my relations with others, my passions, my ability to cope with change, my resolve and even my identity. Over the past ten months I have lost more, including a fiancee and a home. I'm not sure of anything but I suspect it stems from the loss of my mother and my so called being “prepared” to handle it. Although, like many, I had challenges in life before my loss, I was navigating and dealing with things on my own terms. After my loss, well there does seem to be such a thing as a snow ball effect after all. From the sounds of it, many of you have experienced this same effect in your own unique way. To all my fellow orphaned survivors I give you a bug hug, at least in type. At this point I'm not sure I'll even post this, it has felt good to type out these thoughts alone.
At this point I feel that I only retain a fraction of my previous confident gregarious self. Some days I am feeling a little better, other days I am filled with unfathomable dread and sorrow. All I can offer for anyone else going through a similar experience is to do your best each and every day, to realize that you are not alone and to take things one day at a time.
Thank you Diane for starting this thread back in 2004.
To any that are readers...and I'm sure there are a few, I am open to being added as friends, please feel free.Googling on this Christmas eve I'm grateful to have found some like-minded souls. I suppose no one can really understand what it's like to have no parents other than those enduring the same circumstance.
My heart weeps for all the people on this thread. I am so grateful that you have found the courage to share your feelings here. I don't think that easy to do---much easier to keep shoving the pain down inside and ignore it. Doesn't matter that doing that never works.
So a hug to Diane and all of you for giving me the inspiration to do the same.
Each day is difficult because the loss that is felt never seems to leave. Oh, maybe it changes by degree, sometimes I feel it more, other days I can tolerate it better. At least that's my experience. But it never goes away.
I lost my father to cancer, leukimia in July. Like RMisener's story, I barely knew him. He had no interest in the four children he helped bring into this world. But a child only knows her father as someone to love. If the love is not returned, sadly the child sees the weakness in herself rather than in the other. Years of therapy can help undo the pain, but parts of it remain, it seems. I am in my 50's now, and just can't let the baggage all go. I feel more like I'm in my 90's. The burden of carrying so much pain and loss is more than I can take some days.
My mother passed so long ago, I barely remember her. I grew up with my two sets of grandparents, but they've been long gone also.
How ironic that so many folks dread holiday get-togethers with family at this time of year. My perspective, of course, is what I wouldn't give to be able to share this time of year with family. My birthday also comes around at this time, so all in all it a challenging time.
I used to find it comforting to cover up my feelings with activities or substances, or even with not-so-healthy relationships. But for some reason, I am not even sure that I know why, I gave that lifestyle up and sought comfort in being on a more spiritual journey. Maybe I thought I'd feel better, but so far I haven't found that to be the case. Like Scott Peck, the author said, The Road Less Traveled can be lonely road. Maybe not the best place to be for someone without the roots of family to lean on.
The future scares me. But I haven't given up yet. There are so many people filled with sadness and loneliness...I pray for peace for all of us. That we find some joyfulness in our hearts and that this joy expands to bring us together with others. Together, we will grow happy endings to all of our stories.
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The Hole that never seems to HealRMisener said:No magic solutions, just live one day at a time
It is with deep sadness and great sorrow that I come to this place. I thank each and every one of you for sharing your stories with this forum and with me by default extension. The passing of a loved one is never an event that is easily or summarily processed. I don't know that being an adult only child orphan is any more or less difficult. I only know that it is a unique path of experience that those with sibling or surviving parental support don't fathom as their grieving experience is so much different than ours.
I'm 44 years of age forever going on 18, never married and no children (as the old joke goes....”that I know of”). I was raised by my mother whom was a single parent that married later in life in her mid 50's. I never knew my father. In addition I barely had contact with my mothers side of the family growing up, which consisted of her two brothers (one of which has two children) and her mother, who has since passed as well. I believe during my life that I have spent a total of less than two weeks with them all in total. Including the week before my mother passed when her brothers came to say goodbye. I do not expect to have any further contact with them, other than a face book type posting here and there as our one sole connection has been lost. So for those that feel alone, without any blood relatives, for all intensive purposes, I identify with you the most. Never have I felt more alone and lost. It's a feeling of grave despair.
I lost my mother to cancer on September 29, 2011. Her illness had metastasized to multiple areas of her body, she was stage four at the end but she had fought cancer in several bouts over the previous ten years. She was in her mid 60's. To those that are older, mid 60's is still relatively young, so much life to be lived and to look forward to. One would think that I could have been prepared appropriately. I thought that I was prepared but the reality is simply this, one can never prepare for the loss of a loved one. There are no magic words or magic bullets to prepare, to deal or to heal from the devastation of such loss.
I am impressed and envious with those of you who have the ability to express, discuss and/or address their grief so quickly after their loss. I am not made of that ilk. I am told that I have some Irish in me and although I am not prone to following the cultural norms, I feel that a part of me does act in accordance with my heritage. I did what came naturally, I buried my feelings.....my anger, my sorrow, my hatred, my grief, my scorn and I moved on with life …..or so I had thought. Although I did that which I needed to do, there are consequences. Other things I have found burred are my loves, my relations with others, my passions, my ability to cope with change, my resolve and even my identity. Over the past ten months I have lost more, including a fiancee and a home. I'm not sure of anything but I suspect it stems from the loss of my mother and my so called being “prepared” to handle it. Although, like many, I had challenges in life before my loss, I was navigating and dealing with things on my own terms. After my loss, well there does seem to be such a thing as a snow ball effect after all. From the sounds of it, many of you have experienced this same effect in your own unique way. To all my fellow orphaned survivors I give you a bug hug, at least in type. At this point I'm not sure I'll even post this, it has felt good to type out these thoughts alone.
At this point I feel that I only retain a fraction of my previous confident gregarious self. Some days I am feeling a little better, other days I am filled with unfathomable dread and sorrow. All I can offer for anyone else going through a similar experience is to do your best each and every day, to realize that you are not alone and to take things one day at a time.
Thank you Diane for starting this thread back in 2004.
To any that are readers...and I'm sure there are a few, I am open to being added as friends, please feel free.oops...sorry about my tech challenge...didn't intend to post twice!
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ORPHAN CHILD
Hello. This is the first time I have posted my true feelings about what happened in my life. I am an only child and have lost both my mother and father. My father a very proud man delt with his battle to cancer with all the strength and dignity he could but sadly passed away a few years ago 3 weeks before my 24th birthday..not long after that, actually 6 months i found out my mum was diagnosed with cancer. A big shock as she was never a smoker or drinker. In the beginning my mum looked normal - at the end unrecognisable. I stopped working to look after her as she was on so much medication, had chemo, other operations throughout, she was so weak she couldnt walk even stand up without collapsing. I had to wash her, feed her and try to make sense of what she was saying at times as the medication was rediculously strong. I offered to have any organ i could to be taken from me to save my beautiful mum but there was nothing they could do. she went into a coma for three days and i didnt leave her side nor sleep i kept talking and singing to her. I was so so scared id never see her wake again or hear her voice. I prayed with all my heart and on the 3rd day she woke. She told me she was in darkness and the only thing she saw was her funeral, she knew what was to come. The only thing that kept her going she said she could hear me talking to her and was trying to find me when she could here me singing. she said it made her feel safe, not alone and not so scared. She passed away a week later looking into my eyes as i held her hand, she tried to say something before she left but didnt have to energy so i will never know what she wanted to say in her last moments. Then comes to arranging a funeral etc. you feel so numb with pain, confusement, loss, anger, frustration, lonliness, and are litterally in pieces as though your worst fears have now happened. It triggered panic attacks off in me and i would hyperventillate so much in my panick attacks i would blackout/passout. I had lost my mum and dad and felt so alone i wanted to die too. i guess its normal to feel like that. Its been a year now. Ive managed to go back to work after 10 months after mum had gone, before that i was struck with grief, deppression, panick attacks etc. I would cry myself to sleep when i could sleep and be broken throughout the day. It was like I didnt know how people were walking around normal when my world was over! Its been over a year now and work is going well, my relationship with my partner has proved to me that im still me and although ive had the worst few years of my life, things can become good again. I feel so strong now within myself, my love and awareness of others has multiplide and i feel alot easier with life. What we go through shapes us into the person we really are. I done both my mother and father proud and will continue to for the rest of my life. You cannot live your life by what happened to your parents and feel guilty when you begin to smile, they wouldnt want that. you have to live yourself a happy life and create the best memories to cherish. The love in your heart and the thoughts in your mind keep them alive, your parents will always be with you but in a different way.
Peace and positive blessings to you all and thankyou for taking the time to read this. x x
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fellow orphan
I understand. I am trying to connect with more orphans who are orphans as a result of cancer. I too was an only child and my mother was a single mother. My mom passed away 5 years ago, when I was 20 years old. It has been really tough for me losing my mom so young and I often feel alienated and like there aren't any other people who have gone through a similar situation. I am looking for people who are orphans as a result of losing parents to cancer and also looking for orphan support groups. If you know of any or would like to get in touch, contact me
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Another Story
My perspective may be a little different, but here goes. My mother was divorced from my father before I ever was able to gather any memories of him. I have a brother who is 4 years older than I. When I was 13 my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer and the ensuing operation did not improve the prognosis of terminal. Later that same year, 1977, my brother left for college eight hours drive from home as I entered high school. Late in my junior year of high school (three and a half years later), my mother passed from her illness. I was the only one at her bedside when she passed as, besides my brother, I have no other relatives. I went on the have a relatively normal life, married, and had two kids. My marriage was not a bad one, but not a great one either. I still have what I call "orphan's syndrome" where you try to please everyone in an effort to overcome the lack of a loving parent. As the kids got older I realized that no one was trying to please me and I was very lonely. I met someone else who had lost a parent and we began an affair that ultimately led to the end of my marriage. My cautionary tale to those of you who find yourself trying to please everyone is to make sure you know what it takes to be really happy and not just on the outside.
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only child single w foster care past
My mom died suddenly 6 days b4 my 34th b day. I went to see her everyday for lunch. We were making plans for my bday just the day b4 she passed. I am so ripped apart. I feel such a deep down sense of panic and despair. No one will luv me like she did. Her side of the family hates me and nev err kept n touch except to yell at me for her belonging once she died. They never even spoke to her. In fact her own mom didnt takw the call when my mom called to check on her a week b4 her death. I am not safe among them. Its so scary now to be out and about n the world. I regret so much. ...I dont know where to place my feet my heart doesn't feel right. I am without a family and even more frightening seemingly without a future. .
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I understandonlyorphan said:no solution
One of the hardest things of the whole situation is trying to get others to understand the abyss you are thrown into. Over and over I have tried to explain what it is like to have absolutely no one to hug you, notice if you have a car breakdown or accident and don't come home. No mother's day, father's day, or even a birthday with no one to call you to even check if you are alive. Ok, there may be cousins and friends, but it is not at all the same when you have no immediate family. At family events you are a last minute thought--an add on.
Whenever you try to explain things people say they are alone in the house all day too--even when there really is someone else around. They come up with silly suggestions like getting one of those alarms to wear around the neck. That is beside the point. Join groups? Sure, but meeting with a bunch of strangers hardly makes up for having no one to really care if you are sick. Who is going to take you for hospital tests and wait with you? A friend might do it once, but what about repeat tests? If you get sick away from home, who will come and get you? The list goes on and on.
The first couple of years after I lost my last parent,from time to time people would still call to get together. Now, it is rare. If i don't initiate contact, i dont hear from most people. After a few years having to initiate virtually all contacts, that gets rather ridiculous.Hi,
I just found this website and have read your post. I know it is from 3 years ago, but so much of what you say makes sense to me. I am also an only child with no family left. I understand what you are saying about there being no one there to check on you or take you to the doctor. Recently I severely sprained my ankle and had to hobble into the house. Not life threatening but it emphasized the aloneness that one feels being in a situation like an only child orphan is in. I also had the same experience of feeling like an "add on " at my friends' Christmas dinner. She was welcoming, but her adult children looked at me like what are you doing here again, you were just here for Thanksgiving. If you get this response send an e-mail and maybe we can chat.
Thanks,
Nell
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Yes there is one called theawsmith921 said:Motherless Only Child
Hello,
My name is Ashley, I am 28 and I lost my mother to a brain tumor in October of 2010. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006, went through chemo and radiation and was cancer free for about three years [we did the race for the cure each year in D.C.]. We were unable to do our 4th walk because I was away at grad school. It was not until I came home on break that I realized there was something different about the way my mother was acting. Turns out she had a metastasized brain tumor.
When I lost my mother I truly believed life was not worth living without her in it. I still to an extent believe this, however I know that my mother would be extremely disappointed if I did not live out my life to the fullest. What I found the most challenging is going through this experience by myself despite the outpouring of support and caring. Unlike my depression which I have been successfully been controlling with therapy, talking to anyone about this seems like just a waste. While depression is the disorder of the mind, the loss of a loved one is factual and CANNOT be changed.
While it is June 2012 it still feels as if I lost her yesterday. Like others on this site I am an only child but lucky enough to still have my father. Despite his loving support I still feel utterly alone. I have attempted to locate books on daughters who have lost their mothers [currently "reading" Motherless Daughters] there is no mention of only children who are unmarried without children. It's very hard to see forming classmates and friends getting married and/or having children and being able to share their joy with their mothers. There are so many things I always thought my mother would be there for and now all my hopes and dreams for the future have been scratched. I wanted my mom to be there to see me graduate with a masters in social work, be there when I get my first real job, get married, have kids, and celebrate major holidays and events.
It has been very challenging not be able to call her and tell her about my day or something exciting that happened. We spoke everyday sometimes twice. She was my rock and my best friend. Of all Kubler-Ross' stages of grief I am stuck strongly on acceptance. I refuse to accept she is gone; that this happened to her and myself. Just to give you an idea of how much I am sticking to this, I couldn't even bring myself to attend her funeral. If I wasn't present then it wasn't really happening. I've only been to visit her grave once since her passing. That visit brought me no comfort at all like it does others. Instead it enraged me more so.
Anyways, I just want to thank diane727 for creating this posting. If anyone knows of any books out there on only children losing a parent I would greatly appreciate it if someone could pass the titles along. Lastly, thank you all for listening to my story.Yes there is one called the Orphaned Adult. It is really good.
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Hi, I just found this sitemsm0nique said:only child single w foster care past
My mom died suddenly 6 days b4 my 34th b day. I went to see her everyday for lunch. We were making plans for my bday just the day b4 she passed. I am so ripped apart. I feel such a deep down sense of panic and despair. No one will luv me like she did. Her side of the family hates me and nev err kept n touch except to yell at me for her belonging once she died. They never even spoke to her. In fact her own mom didnt takw the call when my mom called to check on her a week b4 her death. I am not safe among them. Its so scary now to be out and about n the world. I regret so much. ...I dont know where to place my feet my heart doesn't feel right. I am without a family and even more frightening seemingly without a future. .
Hi, I just found this site today. So much of what you and other people have said rings true. I also have felt the panic and despair that you talk about. My mother died several years ago and then my only other relative her brother, my uncle died of cancer in 2013. I am doing my best to try to carry on but it often doesn't seem like there is any point. I am trying to do things that I enjoy when I can and am not overwhelmed with the sadness. I know she would not want me to grieve endlessly, but I just want this nightmare to end. What has helped is finding a grief support group. If you see this post please feel free to respond.
Nell
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Hi Nell hope your ok im inNell 7 said:Hi, I just found this site
Hi, I just found this site today. So much of what you and other people have said rings true. I also have felt the panic and despair that you talk about. My mother died several years ago and then my only other relative her brother, my uncle died of cancer in 2013. I am doing my best to try to carry on but it often doesn't seem like there is any point. I am trying to do things that I enjoy when I can and am not overwhelmed with the sadness. I know she would not want me to grieve endlessly, but I just want this nightmare to end. What has helped is finding a grief support group. If you see this post please feel free to respond.
Nell
Hi Nell hope your ok im in the same situation hopefully we can chat?
Rebecca x
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Wow...
I had no idea this place existed! I feel like being an only child and losing a parent to cancer is such a unique experience that few people truly understand the loss.
So here's my story...
Back in January of 2009 my mom went to a Super Bowl Party at one of our neighbor's homes and the very next day she went to work but felt as though she had the flu. I was a senior in college at the time and I just so happend to visit the school that she worked at and I could tell that she wasn't feeling well. Fast forward to the next day, I bring her to the doctor and he tells us to leave his office and immediately go to the emergency room to get an MRI. Several hours and many doctors later, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that had moved to her brain. She had brain surgery to remove the tumor and she recovered very well, had her speech and mobility and was receiving chemotherapy for the tumor in her lung.
A year later, she went in for a check in and some of the brain tumor returned so she had a second brain surgery which severly impacted her speech. So while she could talk, she never sounded the same and eventually she stopped talking. During the year of the second surgery, I became her power of attorney and in control of her estate at the age of 24. I, along with my 22 year old boyfriend (who later became my husband) proceeded to liquidate as many of her assets just to get her to qualify for disability. I moved her out our my childhood home ,that I eventually lost in forclosure, and in with my aunt, uncle and cousin who lived about 8 hours away. They continued to maintain the day to day care for my mom while I managed her affairs.
My mother attended my college graduation in 2009 and my wedding in 2013. I am forever thankful that she was there for those events.
All in all my mother lived 6 years and 2 months after her initial diagnosis, which is nothing more than a testament of her personal strength. I was even able to spend my 29th birthday with her this year before she passed away in April.
While I am constantly reminded of her strength and learned I had quite a bit of her strength within me as I handled all of her affairs down to the intimate details of her funeral I am starting to feel lost. I have a great husband who has been there every step of the way and friends and distant family but I still feel lost living in the city that I grew up in with her and finding who I am not that she is gone. Sometimes, I feel like I just woke up from a terrible nightmare without a clue as to how I got to where I am now.
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Someone does understand.aloneintheworld said:only child, never married
I have mentioned to people that I had to deal with watching out for and then caring for my widowed mother for 17 years, then the loss of both parents, handling and closing her estate, managing and maintaining two homes, disposing of and moving numerous items, merging two homes worth of things into one, preparing and then selling one home, and absolutely NO one comprehends what it is do all of that without any help whatsoever. The only responses I get are simplistic replies like why did it take so long or decisions are part of being an adult.
Yes, I had a wonderful holiday month. No one even asked what I did--I painted two rooms. That was the extent of my holiday celebration. I rarely receive a legitimate phone call to find out if I am still alive much less to receive a single present. Valentines Day, Mother's & Father's Days, their birthdays, my birthday will likely again be "celebrated" in the same way. No one has a clue to what feels like to realize that there is no one to check up on you.Wish I had found this site long ago. Your post is from 5 years ago.
I lonst both my parents on April 23 one in 2012 and my father in 2014. I have an older brother but he has no use for me or anyone except his wife's family. He was never there to help with my parents in their final years. So basically I have no family. I have no children. I have nobody. It's bad when my only worry is if I was to die at home who would find me and save my dog. People would think I was being dramatic but they have family. Their phone rings with people on the other end who care for them. If I ever do get a call from a distant cousin or such I already know they are in need of money. I cut off being an ATM for people and in turn it stopped my phone from ringing all together.
If I could go back I'd have had a dozen children and planned on always having someone to care for. It's not as much me needing to be cared about but I miss having someone to care for. I'd love getting a call from a son or daughter needing my help. Hopefully I'd get calls just to check in but at this point I'd take any call from my kids if I had them.
'Anyway I get some of the things you've gone through. Being an adult orphan is one thing but being an orphan with no other family and friends is something few can grasp.
Anyway if you monitor this at all please feel free to contact me anytime. Troynnc@me.com
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Hello,
Hello,
Is anyone still active on this thread? I lost my mom two months ago, am a 32 year-old only child and never had a father (I was adopted). I'm going through a lot of stuff right now and would really like to talk to someone.
Josh
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Josh -joshualpearson said:Hello,
Hello,
Is anyone still active on this thread? I lost my mom two months ago, am a 32 year-old only child and never had a father (I was adopted). I'm going through a lot of stuff right now and would really like to talk to someone.
Josh
It strikes me as odd that so many of the people who posted here only posted once to the forum. If you'd like to start at new thread, that would probably be much more helpful (Go to the first post in this thread and you'll see where you can start a new one).
I'm so sorry to hear of your mother's death. You've been through a lot of changes, then with grief added to the pile, that sure doesn't help at all.
Good for you that you tracked this down and posted here. You're not alone, although I'm sure it can feel that way. Keep us posted, whether here or in a new thread.
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Josh
First, let me say that I am so sorry for your loss. I know that it is still so raw right now, and I hate that for you. I lost my mom to cancer when I was in my mid twenties and just recently my dad to heart disease. He died at the first of the year so things are still right on the surface for me too. I'm in my mid 40's and still way too young not to have at least one of my parents.
I have just recenlty been struggling with being a midlife orphan. These feelings of orphanhood have really taken hold the past few months. At the time of my dad's death, I told my husband "I'm an orphan now", but this really didn't start to come forward in my grief until recently. I had a close relationship with both my parents, so their deaths were traumatic to say the least. I have a fantastic husband and two children, so I am not alone. I have a family. But the sense of loss of my childhood family has been acute. I tried to verbalize it to my husband the other night, but it was so difficult to express. How can one feel that they are all alone, when they have a wonderful support system in place with a spouse and children?
The feelings of orphanhood are tough to deal with, but for us only children, moreso. Orphans who have siblings at least still have a connection to their past. We don't. I have no parents, no grandparents, no siblings, no one. There is no one on this earth that can tell stories about me when I was young, remember holidays and vacations, etc....no one who knows my history from my first breath. In your parents home, you always belong. You always have a place. You are always part of a family. Things can go completely to hell in your adult life, but you can always go home. Not for us. Your childhood home is where your past resides in totality. It's like a time capsule. And it's gone.
I wish I could say that I've figured out how to deal with all of this, but I haven't yet. I'm still juggling the grief of losing my dad as an individual and the passing away of the last remnant of my childhood family. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and that I totally get what you are going through. I am going to just keep moving forward. I'm going to let all of this sink in and welcome the grief and deal with it the best I can.
If you need someone to talk to, you can always send me a private message. I would be happy to listen.
Kristi
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Only child that lost her only parent Feeling a new type of alone
I really hope this is still an active group...
I am feeling very lost and alone. A new type of alone and do not know how to navigate. I dont know anyone that has gone through a similar situation. I dont know how to describe it fully.
I am 38 and my mom passed away last year. I was the only child of my single mother. I do not have any relationship with my father and very limited to his family's side and do not have any other close relatives like I had with my mom on her side. I was her caregiver for four years until she passed. I have been married for 13 years and my husband and I are in a solid relationship. We have been struggling with instead of being the 3 of us (with my mom) to just us but we are dealing and taking it day by day and therapy. We paused having children while we cared for my mom. We want to have a child soon but I know I have to "get better" to be a good parent.
I am starting the second year of being without my mom. I feel this past year was so overwhelmed and overshadowed by her passing, the immediately absense, missing her, finding my ground, and dealing with my depression but lately I feel I am going through something different? I feel completely alone in the world. Not lonely. I am blessed with my husband and friends and relatives but I feel without my mom if I disappeared or got lost in a forest no one would know? I know my husband would know and my friends would but without my mom I feel its like I wouldnt exist? Does this make sense?
I am still going to bereavement therapy and struggling with mourning and depression medication trial and errors constantly changing. I know losing a loved one no matter who you are or who passed is hard but I have not been able to find someone who understands this particular alone feeling. I dont have a sibling to share my life or go to. I dont have another parent to to go or ever have had. My grandmother which was the only grandparent I had as close as I was with my mother passed 20 years ago. I am not even sure what I am looking for here. I guess I wonder will this larger than life feeling of being alone in the world ever cease or lessen or just not be an issue?
I miss my mom in simple ways. We were extremely close but nevetheless fought always but it was her and I against the world since I was born. Now its just me. I feel horrible because my husband keeps reminding me that he is here and always will be and he is understanding of not completely grasping this feeling. He has siblings, a large family, both parents, and grandparents, etc.
I guess I dont know what to do with myself sometimes. If I bought something as simple as a magazine, a frame or anything happened in my day she was who i told immediately and I knew I was not bothering her and I wanted to know what she saw bought did. i would tell her every detail of my day. I dont have that anymore. Although the last four years this also changed. While caring for her I could not tell her my struggles or losses because I did not want to worry her but she was there I could have if I needed to. I dont want to take away from my husband because we are extremely close but with mom it was different. I guess I dont know how to deal with new type of "alone." I hope this made sense. I guess I am looking for someone who understands this feeling. Thank you.
Juliana
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Are you still active in this group?LittleLeo1 said:Wow...
I had no idea this place existed! I feel like being an only child and losing a parent to cancer is such a unique experience that few people truly understand the loss.
So here's my story...
Back in January of 2009 my mom went to a Super Bowl Party at one of our neighbor's homes and the very next day she went to work but felt as though she had the flu. I was a senior in college at the time and I just so happend to visit the school that she worked at and I could tell that she wasn't feeling well. Fast forward to the next day, I bring her to the doctor and he tells us to leave his office and immediately go to the emergency room to get an MRI. Several hours and many doctors later, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that had moved to her brain. She had brain surgery to remove the tumor and she recovered very well, had her speech and mobility and was receiving chemotherapy for the tumor in her lung.
A year later, she went in for a check in and some of the brain tumor returned so she had a second brain surgery which severly impacted her speech. So while she could talk, she never sounded the same and eventually she stopped talking. During the year of the second surgery, I became her power of attorney and in control of her estate at the age of 24. I, along with my 22 year old boyfriend (who later became my husband) proceeded to liquidate as many of her assets just to get her to qualify for disability. I moved her out our my childhood home ,that I eventually lost in forclosure, and in with my aunt, uncle and cousin who lived about 8 hours away. They continued to maintain the day to day care for my mom while I managed her affairs.
My mother attended my college graduation in 2009 and my wedding in 2013. I am forever thankful that she was there for those events.
All in all my mother lived 6 years and 2 months after her initial diagnosis, which is nothing more than a testament of her personal strength. I was even able to spend my 29th birthday with her this year before she passed away in April.
While I am constantly reminded of her strength and learned I had quite a bit of her strength within me as I handled all of her affairs down to the intimate details of her funeral I am starting to feel lost. I have a great husband who has been there every step of the way and friends and distant family but I still feel lost living in the city that I grew up in with her and finding who I am not that she is gone. Sometimes, I feel like I just woke up from a terrible nightmare without a clue as to how I got to where I am now.
Although we have different stories but I think that feeling of lost is what I am feeling now.
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