What do I feel about my mom's death?

1NYCGUY said:

Update
Well after a very short battle my Mom passed away just about exactly 48 hours ago. I was so scared. Friday night she was sitting in her bed, laughing and eating dinner. We joked and I continued to fool myself into believing that she would continue to make positive progress. Her only discomfort was from a bed sore that she got in the hospital.

Late Saturday night she complained so much about the pain (bedsore) but took her usual 2 Tylenol and said it felt better. I went to sleep leaving her with the night nurse that I hired to stay in our home in the event that my mom needed anything during the night. This had been a routine for about 2 weeks.

Sunday morning i woke up to find my mom sitting on the edge of her bed. She was complaining about back pain. I was thinking it was more than possible that she had legitimate back pain from laying in one position too long the night before. I also thought it could be her kidneys failing as her urine output started to slow.

She was so severely agitated that I had to give her a lorazapam and an Oxycodone. She hates morphine so we avoided it until there was no other choice.

That combination made her sleep. She was still with us, but hadn't slept well the night before. By Sunday afternoon, she wasn't waking up, although if you asked her questions she would answer yes or no. Hospice nurse came and said, "this is the transition phase". I still doubted her. Mom slept more and more and on Monday night she was pretty much in a coma (I think). On Tuesday morning the hospice nurse came and said, that mom had a fever and wanted to insert a Tylenol suppository. She pointed out that she might pass from the fever breaking. She then turned her on her right side and stated that this might cause her to pass. Pretty much everything she did seemed like it could happen any moment.

It didn't mom held on. I realized a little later that my brother had not told her that he was okay if she didn't want to fight anymore. They were so close and she was so protective of him. I told him he needed to tell her he was going to be okay. I left the room and he spoke to her.

I then went back to her bedside and held her hand. My brother closed his eyes for about 10 minutes. I said a few words of love to my mom and she squeezed my hand. (not a myoclonic reaction, she was aware of what I said and squeezed only when it was appropriate).

A few minutes after that at 1:45 pm. I felt her pulse change, her breathing changed and her color changed. I woke my brother up just in time for him to come hold her hand also. She briefly opened her eyes, then closed them. The congested breathing that we had become accustomed to for the prior 3 days stopped. She was gone.

Tonight is the viewing and tomorrow is the funeral.

I did pretty good on the day she passed. I cried a little but handled the things that needed to be done pretty well. Yesterday we spent time at the funeral home making plans. Oddly the funeral directors all new my mom and brother from annual memorial Christmas "parties" that mom attended as my dad is buried on the grounds of that funeral home.

I never thought I'd see a funeral director cry, but yesterday I watched two of them cry like it was there family.

We spent three hours with them much of it talking about my mother. The planning was pretty quick.

I did well last night.

Today, I am unable to function. I have cried almost non stop since I woke up this morning.

I came to this site as this has been a source of information and comfort over the last several weeks.

So, for anyone who thinks they aren't feeling the right things. Forget that. You will feel everything that you need to and you will do it in your own time. No loss, is as great as losing a parent.We ran so hard for the last month trying to help my mom, hoping, praying, cooking and crying (we are Italian). When my mom passed my first reaction was relief. I felt guilt about that for a few minutes and realized that my greatest fear had come and gone in an instant. My mom wasn't in pain, she is in a better place and so I did sleep that first night and last night. Today it all caught up to me. I wrote my moms obituary and it felt good. Reading it in the paper today I cried more than when I wrote it.

For me, today it became real. I have no idea what happens when I walk into that funeral home but I know I am feeling pain today.

So, let your grief come to you when it is right for you. You will go through all the stages, I thought people were idiots when the told me that after my dad died. 18 years later I still wander between denial, anger and acceptance. This isn't one of those wounds that time heals. It will always be there. Like the scar we all got from falling off our bicycles when we were kids. The horror of the wound is gone but the scar remains forever.

Good luck, breath deep and remember that how you live the rest of your life is a reflection of what your mom meant to you. In time you will find peace and you will remember the good times. Most of all you will remember she was, is and always will be, your MOM.

On December 22, 2012 my mom passed away after a six month battle with adenocarcinoma. My brother and I also cared for our mom in the home. She had several mini strokes during her illness and she increasingly lost mobility. I was always hoping and praying that something would happen and the doctor would say we have a new treatment and she’s going to get better. That never happened. I’m 46 but I am the youngest of three sons. I am somewhat a momma’s boy… naw I am a certified momma’s boy. Like you I went right into planning mode.  Some years back she had done a lot of her own pre need arrangements so I knew what she wanted. We had a grand celebration for her. It was fit for a celebrity.

I still have difficulty saying my mom died. I causes me great pain to refer to my mother in the past tense. God please help me through this pain. My mother was a God fearing woman and I know that she is soring with the angels. I wish she was still here with me. She passed peacefully and lovingly at home in her bedroom. It was my brother’s night to stay with her (we took turns) and she woke up about 3AM and was breathing heavily. He gave her some morphine and she still didn’t calm down. She called his name and sweetly closed her eyes and took her last breath. My mom’s radiant smile could light the world. She was a caring and loving woman. 

Her funeral was packed. People had to stand outside the church in the cold. There simply wasn’t enough room. It made me feel good to know that so many people came to celebrate her life with us. I find myself smiling about my mom more than crying, but I would do anything to turn back the clock and be able to see her in the kitchen baking pies or a Key Lime cake. I wish I could sit with her an watch Family Feud or Andy Griffith.

This whole week I’ve been feeling empty. I miss going into her bedroom to sit and talk to her. Before she passed I would kiss her check and smell her. The nurse that we hired to stay with her during the day would put a dab of her favorite perfume on her. I want to remember that smell. My life will never be the same because everything important thing that happens in my life from now on will happen without my mother physically being here to share it with me. I don’t know how to feel about that. 

Jeff_s said:

I'm so sorry...I see your
I'm so sorry...I see your post was from a few weeks ago so I'm not sure if your mom is still with us. I lost my mom 6 years ago, but woke up missing her today like there's no tomorrow. So much so that I found myself wondering how others deal & found this blog. To answe your question, it's very hard, but you will come to terms with things through various stages of grief. Mad as hell, sad, upbeat & optimistic that she will or is free of pain...but there's no easy answer. My father died that October, and three weeks later mom succumbed to her cancer. I was 26 and numb. I remember seeing My dad in the hospital lifeless as he had passed in thr middle of the night. Two days later moms cancer had metasticized and gone to her brain & she called me in a panic that she couldnt walk. I knew the end was near for her, and i was at a loss for how to handle it while I was loading her wheel chair into my car take her to the store. She refused to believe she was dying, and I was certain there was no god because i couldn't begin to process what was happening to my 56 year old mother who was unstoppable, let alone understand what happened to my 57 year old father, who was equally unstoppable. I cried my eyes out at times, other times i moved through it like it was business--as horribly calloused as that sounds--your mind will do what is best for you to cope, and there really isn't any right or wrong way. But you have to try to fill your mind with positives. By being the person that would make her proud. Do things for others that you never did before. Help someone that you wouldn't normally help. Forgive someone that you haven't been able to. By being the person she gave everything to create, you will honor her life and spirit in a way that will make her proud. The key is being that person whether or not you think she is watching. No you might ask how any of that will help how you feel--it may even sound stupid if you're as pissed at the world as I was. But these small acts of kindness will counter the negativity you will likely feel at times. I won't tell you things aren't going to feel empty and lonely. They will, but honor her like you never have before by being the best you can be and there is no greater gift to her, and it will help you find some peace.

That said, it's ok to be angry. It's ok to cry. You may feel guilt. All of this is normal. The first year will be hard, but as each year passes you will begin to accept her passing. But yes, birthdays, holidays...it can be hard to see the cup full. Please dont hesitate to contact me if you need to talk...

My sincere regards to you and yours...

Dear Jeff S:  I found comfort in your posting.  My Mother is in her 11th day of refusing food.  Today she could not speak; could only wave her hand or "grunt" indicating yes or no.  She opens her eyes and sometimes sees us but mostly does not.  She is beginning to hallucinate a bit.  I know the end must come and I pray for it to relieve her of her fears.  She is uncomfortable but not in pain.  For this I feel blessed for her and even for myself.

As everyone up to now "we" fought the battle and there was always a corner to turn or an avenue to follow.  There was hope and light at the end of the tunnel.  I have been "missing" her for several weeks, but now it is becoming acute.  "Normal" life occurs momentarily, I forget and think -  "Oh, I need to call Mum and ask her............."  And then reality returns.  The tears too.  

I know, I know, I know - circle of life, etc...  But, honestly at the moment I don't care.  I know that's normal and I am ok with it.  Not everyone is blessed with  a wonderful, loving and caring Mother.  But I was.  Throughout my life I truly appreciated her and loved our time together.  I knew this experience would be horrid, excruciating and scarey.  It is all that and much more.  But I will not give into the fear and let it control me.  At least for this moment.......

I will get through the next days and when all is over and calm will be the time to allow myself to wallow in my grief and tears.  At least for a bit........

Thank you for posting, Candace

wayne62 said:

saying goodbye

Hi Im sorry for your lose all I can say is saying goodbye SUCKS

Hi I lost mum to cancer 24 years ago, I could relate to not knowing what to do, how to cope.........we weren't a talking family. I pushed it all aside and kept going with our work ethic and activities.......I now know that was not helping but I was doing the best with what I knew.! I have found it's only now after my own breast cancer diagnosis that I have to let go and face the things that happened including Dad's death 4 years ago. Luckily they got my cancer early and this is my NEW CHANCE AT LIFE. Good on you all for your crying, blogging and releasing the pain. It's important as holding it in causes more anguish. I sincerely thank you for your honesty and openess. Keep doing what you are doing and don't expect too much from yourself. I also had guilt but you can only start from today and do your best today. Yes I can relate and keep talking.

On April 11th my mom lost her battle with uterine cancer, she had just turned 50. She was diagnosed in 2013 with stage one uterine cancer and doctors told her after having chemo and radiation that she would be just fine. Fast forward to january of this year, after countless chemotherapy treatments we find out she was riddled with cancer and it had spread to her liver and lungs. Now that she's gone I don't know what to do with myself. I just turned 22 and I have a 16 year old brother, she was our best friend and we are grieving now in our own ways. Does this get any easier? My dad is a total mess and can't seem to accept the fact that my brother and I are still in the grieving process. 

Thank you for your post and honesty.  My husband has advanced liver cancer.  It is inoperable.

It seems like you are questioning your reactions and emotions.  When the Dr. told us he might have a year to live,  I didn't not get hysterical.  I haven't cried yet.  I wonder if I'm normal.  There are days I am angry with him becuase he was a heavy drinker.  His dr. told him his use of alcohol brought this on.  In addition, he is very very very needy and I believe is experiencing encephapathy.  I find myself praying for strangers, but don't pray for him.  I just wanted to say I can understand how we cannot understand our own feelings.