Bowel Obstruction - please help

me_and_my_mom said:

My mother has not even had
My mother has not even had surgery yet. She was taking miralax daily for over a week prior to starting her chemo. My mother hasn't eaten a thing in 5 days now. They say our only hope is for chemo to do it's job - is that what made your obostruction better Michele? Was it the chemo?

thank u all for your replies.

me_and_my_mom said:

thank u all for your
thank u all for your replies. I come from a very dysfunctional family, and things are not going well w/ my sister, father and I. When I visited my mother last night, I went in strong, full of concern yet w/ hope and optimism. She was in a lot of pain, and I tried to be quiet and comforting, leaving the room now and then so she could rest, and stayed a total of an hour and a half. I asked how she was, reassured her she would feel better, and made occasioanl small talk. I asked her if she wanted me to go, and she said no, not yet, and I told her to let me know when she needed the visit to end so she could rest.
During my visit was when the oncologist came to tell my mother that she had an obstruction, and that she may be too sick for further chemo - basically - things do not look good at this point - she has declined significantly. It was the first time I have actually met the medical oncologist, and after he delivered this upsetting news, I asked him questions, such as whether or not the chemo could clear things up, whether my mother might benefit from more pain/nausaes meds, and relaying him info I felt was important, such as that my mothers decline has been dramatic since the chemo and that she was better before it, bascially trying to remain optomistic and look at all our options (looking for any silver linings). When the doctor left the room, I followed him out and asked him, in private, what my mothers prognosis currently is. HE told me her disease is extremely advanced, that he does not think we will be able to clear enough to debulk her, that she is declining quickly, but that they would not give up hope. I left the hospital feeling concern about the blockage and the doctors news, but still trying to be optomistic, and honestly feeling proud of myself for being strong and keeping it together in front of my mother. I am a very emotional person, and it is hard for me to keep my emotions intact - but I have double my dose of anti depressant and took 3 klonopins - and I thought the visit went well on all fronts. My husband was w/ me, and agreed.
I rec'd a call from my father this morning, where he screamed at me for 45 full minutes. Apparantly, my mother did not have a good night after I left, her breathing was erratic, her blood pressure rose, and she 'held his hand tighter than ever before". My father layed the blame squarely on me, for asking the doctor questions in my mothers presence. (the converation was 3 sided - me, my mom and the doctor, and I only brought up optomistic silver lining things in front of mom - it was the doctors words/news that, imo, where extremely upsetting). My father accused me of upseting my mother greatly be talking to her doctor in front of her, and that as a result, she suffered tremondously throughout the night. He said I should not be asking questions, I should not be talking w/ the nurses (I have talke to 2 over this past week, for a total of a whole 5 minutes) - he said I was demanding, that i was telling the doctor what to do, and that we do not need to know everything - the doctors will tell us what we need to know on an as needed basis, that they are doing everyting they can (I disagree, I work in the medical field and feel it is so important to have an advocate, to ask questions, and to talk w/ the doctor to work as a team - and I know the doctor took know offense to my questions, in fact, when he said goodbye to me he took my hand, smiled, and said I reminded him of his wife - I laughed and asked "crazy" and he laughed and said, "no, intuitive"). My father accused me of calling my mothers room incessantly and 'hanging with the nurses" which a complete and total lie.
My father has always scapegoated me like this my whole life, and we are not close. He is a very difficult man to deal with when things are going well. My sister called and basically warned me that my father is threatening to not allow me to visit or call my mother, or get updates from the doctors of hospitals of any kind.
I am full of devastation and anger. I am stepping out of the picture. I called my mom this morning, was cheerful w/ her, told her how happy I was that she had a small bowel movement (Thank you God! This is wonderful news), and that I would be stepping back for a bit to let her rest and relax, and that if she needs me at anytime to call me and i will be there.
that's it. I think I'm done. I cannot handle the fighting, the accusations, and my fathers insanity. I thought of calling the hospital to see if maybe a social worker could help me navigate this better, and make decisions so as to keep my distance, but let my mother know I am here if she needs me.
I am also thinking of just sending my mom some card and letters to let her know I have not abandoned her.
I'm sorry I'm so needy right now. I hate the way I sound.

me_and_my_mom said:

thank u all for your
thank u all for your replies. I come from a very dysfunctional family, and things are not going well w/ my sister, father and I. When I visited my mother last night, I went in strong, full of concern yet w/ hope and optimism. She was in a lot of pain, and I tried to be quiet and comforting, leaving the room now and then so she could rest, and stayed a total of an hour and a half. I asked how she was, reassured her she would feel better, and made occasioanl small talk. I asked her if she wanted me to go, and she said no, not yet, and I told her to let me know when she needed the visit to end so she could rest.
During my visit was when the oncologist came to tell my mother that she had an obstruction, and that she may be too sick for further chemo - basically - things do not look good at this point - she has declined significantly. It was the first time I have actually met the medical oncologist, and after he delivered this upsetting news, I asked him questions, such as whether or not the chemo could clear things up, whether my mother might benefit from more pain/nausaes meds, and relaying him info I felt was important, such as that my mothers decline has been dramatic since the chemo and that she was better before it, bascially trying to remain optomistic and look at all our options (looking for any silver linings). When the doctor left the room, I followed him out and asked him, in private, what my mothers prognosis currently is. HE told me her disease is extremely advanced, that he does not think we will be able to clear enough to debulk her, that she is declining quickly, but that they would not give up hope. I left the hospital feeling concern about the blockage and the doctors news, but still trying to be optomistic, and honestly feeling proud of myself for being strong and keeping it together in front of my mother. I am a very emotional person, and it is hard for me to keep my emotions intact - but I have double my dose of anti depressant and took 3 klonopins - and I thought the visit went well on all fronts. My husband was w/ me, and agreed.
I rec'd a call from my father this morning, where he screamed at me for 45 full minutes. Apparantly, my mother did not have a good night after I left, her breathing was erratic, her blood pressure rose, and she 'held his hand tighter than ever before". My father layed the blame squarely on me, for asking the doctor questions in my mothers presence. (the converation was 3 sided - me, my mom and the doctor, and I only brought up optomistic silver lining things in front of mom - it was the doctors words/news that, imo, where extremely upsetting). My father accused me of upseting my mother greatly be talking to her doctor in front of her, and that as a result, she suffered tremondously throughout the night. He said I should not be asking questions, I should not be talking w/ the nurses (I have talke to 2 over this past week, for a total of a whole 5 minutes) - he said I was demanding, that i was telling the doctor what to do, and that we do not need to know everything - the doctors will tell us what we need to know on an as needed basis, that they are doing everyting they can (I disagree, I work in the medical field and feel it is so important to have an advocate, to ask questions, and to talk w/ the doctor to work as a team - and I know the doctor took know offense to my questions, in fact, when he said goodbye to me he took my hand, smiled, and said I reminded him of his wife - I laughed and asked "crazy" and he laughed and said, "no, intuitive"). My father accused me of calling my mothers room incessantly and 'hanging with the nurses" which a complete and total lie.
My father has always scapegoated me like this my whole life, and we are not close. He is a very difficult man to deal with when things are going well. My sister called and basically warned me that my father is threatening to not allow me to visit or call my mother, or get updates from the doctors of hospitals of any kind.
I am full of devastation and anger. I am stepping out of the picture. I called my mom this morning, was cheerful w/ her, told her how happy I was that she had a small bowel movement (Thank you God! This is wonderful news), and that I would be stepping back for a bit to let her rest and relax, and that if she needs me at anytime to call me and i will be there.
that's it. I think I'm done. I cannot handle the fighting, the accusations, and my fathers insanity. I thought of calling the hospital to see if maybe a social worker could help me navigate this better, and make decisions so as to keep my distance, but let my mother know I am here if she needs me.
I am also thinking of just sending my mom some card and letters to let her know I have not abandoned her.
I'm sorry I'm so needy right now. I hate the way I sound.