“The Story of the Man They Call Big Billy” - The Man, The Myth or The Legend?

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Comments

  • eibod
    eibod Member Posts: 160
    I still try to check into
    I still try to check into the site when I can, to see how everyone is. Was so glad to read your post. Have always enjoyed reading anything that you write, as you have such a
    talent, getting to the heart of the matter. Everything is still near the surface with me, it is hard to believe John is still gone, it was 2 months this week. At times I feel more
    at home reading this site, it seems other people can't possibly understand the world of
    cancer. I envy the way you put your feelings on paper, it has to be therapy for you. It
    sure effects others that way. My prayers and good wishes are with you. Brenda
  • Aud
    Aud Member Posts: 479 Member
    Way Cool!
    hey, Craig. I am not frequently on the board but gotta tell ya. I love Big Billy Bad ****! It is so good to see how you have evolved from those rough times, and how you continue to express yourself, and share with us, through writing. I can only imagine. Yes, I have had the cancer experience, but not to your and some other's, extent. Some things we can only fully understand from experiencing it first hand. Beyond that, we listen to our friends' stories and come to another understanding and know that we are all in this together.

    Ever in your Corner,
    Aud
  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215 Member
    I really needed my "Big
    I really needed my "Big Billy" to pull through for me this weekend. The irrinotecan really kicked my butt. Times like this make me question why I am doing chemo whcn there is no evidence of disease at the moment since they were able to cut out the tumors again. I have a scan this month. I am contemplating what to do when the scan comes back clean.
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    I really needed my "Big
    I really needed my "Big Billy" to pull through for me this weekend. The irrinotecan really kicked my butt. Times like this make me question why I am doing chemo whcn there is no evidence of disease at the moment since they were able to cut out the tumors again. I have a scan this month. I am contemplating what to do when the scan comes back clean.

    Jeff:)
    I've got something for you this morning, Jeff.

    Here is a link to a post that I wrote last year about this time about a month before I finished my last cycle from last year. "The Chemo Wars" - What's the Real Story?

    http://csn.cancer.org/node/213217

    Read this post when you can and it may give you some insight to help you make a decision. I wrote it in the midst of Folfiri (I rewrote it in the book with more clarity), but it was pretty good and I was exploring the issues that you find yourself facing right about now.

    No easy answers either way, as you know, Jeff...but still I got a medical opinion from my onc on the subject so it has some relevance, not just my opinion.

    Know it sux bad...I barely got through surgery/rad/chemo again last year...you read the Big Billy piece...it was time to put a fork in me 'cuz I was done. I dread the prospects that might await me in the next couple of months.

    But for now....just check this out if you want...

    Take care!

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    Varmint5 said:

    This is great Craig...
    You are a very good writer. I can't seem to get my "witching hour" under control. I need some of Big Billy's bad **** attitude to kick it down. You are a great support to everybody here.

    Sandy

    Hi Sandy:)
    Glad our paths finally crossed:)

    I'm glad you liked this piece. Thank you for your kind words. It's an interesting time of the night for many of us...I don't think you ever really get it under control. It seems to be a living entity that breathes on its own and that's because it is fueled by our wants and desires as we lay there mulling it all over and trying to compartmentalize our thoughts and feelings into something that we feel we can manage.

    I believe that we have to be open to the possibilities that await us on those nights - we must allow the fears and tears to wash over us and out of us, so that we are cleansed - we must feel that energy flow through our bodies when we feel like we are catching our 2nd wind.

    It's sort of like a ritual, really. You know it's coming and if you find yourself awake then turning our attention to this phenomenon and experiencing is a sort of meditation that carries with it a form of healing. It's nature's way of creating files and memories that we build folders for and store within the synapses of our brain, so that we can correlate them and retrieve them for reference when we find ourselves there again.

    It's really the comparisons of how you were feeling yesterday to how you are feeling the next time that determines our growth as individuals and how far we've come in our journey.

    This is what they don't tell you about in clinic - because they cannot fathom the depths that we dive to when we are by ourselves recovering from their treatments. It's a time for us though, as patients and people, to recognize this time for what it is - and to use it for our constructive benefit.

    Only then, do we find ourselves not in charge of the disease itself - rather, we find ourselves in charge of the way that we choose to handle it and we get in tune with whatever emotion is staying with us that night.

    Whether it's "Tears and Fears" or "Trials and Smiles", cancer cannot take away that essence of who and what we are and this special time of the night is our healing time to get us ready to do battle again tomorrow.

    So remember, "Big Billy" will always be with you - in fact, he's already there:)

    There's no going back now, darlin':) LOL!

    Continued best wishes!

    -Craig
  • pete43lost_at_sea
    pete43lost_at_sea Member Posts: 3,900 Member
    nice to understand you big billy
    i am glad you have joined us, or come out of the closet of craigs imagination.
    we all need a hand in this challenge of our lives.

    here's to showing the way craig, that we all have that fighting spirit.

    to give him a name, for him to write posts, is shear brilliance.

    its a shame he has to exist, but given our challenges, i am glad he is with each of us.

    hugs,
    pete

    ps or should that be hugs, BIG Pete
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    Aud said:

    Way Cool!
    hey, Craig. I am not frequently on the board but gotta tell ya. I love Big Billy Bad ****! It is so good to see how you have evolved from those rough times, and how you continue to express yourself, and share with us, through writing. I can only imagine. Yes, I have had the cancer experience, but not to your and some other's, extent. Some things we can only fully understand from experiencing it first hand. Beyond that, we listen to our friends' stories and come to another understanding and know that we are all in this together.

    Ever in your Corner,
    Aud

    "Seen the Changes"
    Well,Aud...you have certainly been one of the folks who has seen my transformation since I got here. I'm sure it has been something to witness. I've read my stuff over the past three years and I've seen the changes in myself during that time. I'm sure it has been more profound to see if from off in the distance - certainly much safer, LOL!

    I thank you for your continued support and your response was a very nice expression of your thoughts to me. I love it when we go the extra distance....just takes a couple of extra keystrokes to make things even more meaningful. I thank you.

    More than anything else - "Thanks for Listening."

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    eibod said:

    I still try to check into
    I still try to check into the site when I can, to see how everyone is. Was so glad to read your post. Have always enjoyed reading anything that you write, as you have such a
    talent, getting to the heart of the matter. Everything is still near the surface with me, it is hard to believe John is still gone, it was 2 months this week. At times I feel more
    at home reading this site, it seems other people can't possibly understand the world of
    cancer. I envy the way you put your feelings on paper, it has to be therapy for you. It
    sure effects others that way. My prayers and good wishes are with you. Brenda

    Brenda:)
    I'm so glad to see you:)

    I can only imagine what you must be feeling...I so appreciate you checking in to see us and for responding to this post. It always makes me happy to know that you are reading what I have written...us "writers" are a sensitive lot and I usually leave little to the imagination, so when you pour your heart and soul into something you write, you hope that people will read it.

    I'm glad you feel at home here, because you will always have a home here with us. I like it here and am just too wrapped up with the personalities that pervade these walls:)

    I've been dealing with my dad in and out of hospitals and nursing homes and why it's not the same thing with you and your John, I am getting an inkling of the things you were describing in his final days...I've seen the "Sundowner's Syndrome" in action with him and it is frightening and upsetting to see it happen.

    One night right after we left, he began throwing stuff at the nurse...prior was arugumentative, agitated, confused and just down right out of it. It made me think of you from the descriptions that you had talked about.

    I'm just fortunate that on occasion, I've been able to express what I'm feeling and thinking about and can relay that out to all of you. It is the one TRUE JOY that I have in this life...it gives me the greatest joy, not necessarily from writing it, but knowing how it affected the other folks that I was trying to reach out to.

    My gifts come from that. Without folks like you, there would be no gift for me to unwrap...and it is what I live for.

    Thinking of you and wishing you best wishes - and wishing it could be so much more!

    Thank you for taking the time to write to me - you know how that makes me feel...and if you don't, Tony the Tiger said it best...."It's Great!!!"

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    The Moral of This Story
    Upon further reflection, I've come to the following conclusion:

    The Big Billy story is a "Story of Redemption."

    It's a story of how cancer took away - and how the human spirit took back!

    I'm coming to see Big Billy for myself like the brother I always wanted, but never had. With my sister long ago murdered and no brother or other sibling, it's something I missed and wanted. I think it's important to have siblings to grow up with and have in your life and it's something that can't be manufactured...

    ...unless you have my warped imagination, LOL!

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    The Moral of This Story
    Upon further reflection, I've come to the following conclusion:

    The Big Billy story is a "Story of Redemption."

    It's a story of how cancer took away - and how the human spirit took back!

    I'm coming to see Big Billy for myself like the brother I always wanted, but never had. With my sister long ago murdered and no brother or other sibling, it's something I missed and wanted. I think it's important to have siblings to grow up with and have in your life and it's something that can't be manufactured...

    ...unless you have my warped imagination, LOL!

    -Craig

    For Vicki:)
    bumping up for Vickigl to read.
  • Vickilg
    Vickilg Member Posts: 281 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    For Vicki:)
    bumping up for Vickigl to read.

    Love it!
    Oh Craig, your story is beautiful and you have such a way with words. I always feel like I just got a big reassuring hug from you when I read your posts. You have been a true friend and have lifted my spirits on more than one occassion. Have you put your stories together for a book? I just know how much your words would help others. God bless you, Craig!
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    Vickilg said:

    Love it!
    Oh Craig, your story is beautiful and you have such a way with words. I always feel like I just got a big reassuring hug from you when I read your posts. You have been a true friend and have lifted my spirits on more than one occassion. Have you put your stories together for a book? I just know how much your words would help others. God bless you, Craig!

    Dear Vicki:)
    Funny you should ask:)

    I did write a book last year after I completed treatment. I've been trying to find an agent to represent me to the publishing companies, because the publishing world is such a steep hill to climb all by yourself.

    But right now - the publishing world doesn't want me:)

    It seems they just aren't ready for me yet:) LOL!

    Oh, well, maybe one day....I'm glad that you are though:)

    I'm glad this helped you some....I'm pulling out all the stops for you:)

    Take care and thanks for reading.....

    -Craig