“The Trials and Struggles of This Journey That We Call LIFE” (NEW UPDATE to the UPDATE)

13

Comments

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    Its got to get better!
    "When you are going through hell, keep going". I am so sorry that you are going through all of this, Craig. Wish I could make it all better. I am praying for you and Kim.It will get better!

    Luv you,
    Sara

    Hiya' Sara:)
    You are making it better - just by being you - and just by caring enough to let me know. The storms will pass - the clouds will lift - and the sun will shine bright another day.

    Just don't know when yet...LOL!

    Thank you!

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    Well....well...well..
    Hey Craiger,
    Yep...the ole plate is full and runneth over! I spoke with Kim the other nite and she brought me up to speed on things. You guys are certainly dealing with a lot right now. One thing I noticed you BOTH said was you two are sharing a closeness that you have not felt in a while. So maybe something good coming out of this huh??? However, that " adopted daughter" beotch....... You tell her JENNIE SAID...to stay the hellout of your face or I'm gonna kick her arse!!!! She is not to be messin with MY craiger! Seriously my friend..... I am in total agreement with Marie.... You have got nothing but BS your whole life from him...if you ain't getting nothing in the end...screw it...... U gotta look out for you and Kim. Also, I am with Bucky on the book. I would certainly buy a book in any format. that's all I have strength for. I am recouping. Just got out of hospital today cause that dang stomach flu bout killed me! Ok now but it's been rough. Love you and Kim.

    Jen

    Is It Time to "Get Jennie With It?"
    I'm glad you're getting better....I've had one of the superbugs for about 3-weeks and it's almost done...but it was a whuppin' that's for sure.

    Well, glad you and Kim talked...she's kickin' **** now all over the place...I'm going to have to promote her in rank in "The Sundance Army."

    LOL!

    When she's motivated, oh my goodness....and she's "highly motivated." And not a moment too soon either. The fight will be worth it - I'm on the estate, but my dad thought he would pass away in his sleep, so he put no contingency for anything in case he lived.

    It's worth fighting for, because it's all that I'll ever have - to throw it all away at the last moment is foolhearted, emotional, and not Craig or Kim.

    Hell, at this point, I'd fight for the sheer spite of it all - you know me:)

    "A Fighter IS - What a Fighter DOES." Just made that one up, LOL!

    Thanks, Jennie!

    -Craig
  • annalexandria
    annalexandria Member Posts: 2,571 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    Dear Marie:)
    Have I ever told you what a kind heart that you had? Well, you sure do. I can't thank you enough for your reply. You are always so kind and considerate.

    But, there is alot of "smarts" about you too - you are a wise woman who has been around long enough to accumulate the wisdom you are imparting to me. I just wanted to tell you how much all of your posts have meant to me since I've gotten to know you.

    And Santa Craig knows "Santa's Helpers" too - and thank you for that!

    I'm bound my legality right now....as the sole remaining family member, I'm the executor of the estate and thus have responsibilites and commitments. As part of the divorce decree, he and his ex-wife signed an agreement that she would leave and he would live in the house until he passed away.

    Immediately upon his death, I've got 90-days to get the house made-ready to be listed on the market - these are the legal terms of their agreement and my end is to uphold that.

    The ex-wife gets 50% of the sale - and this in spite of if the State comes in and seizes everything....my end would be lost as well as the money he put aside to pay his taxes, keep his bills paid and cover his funeral expenses.

    It's worth fighting for at this point, because we could use the help and it's a shame to throw it all down the train, just because my dad was short-sighted in how he handled his affairs. If the state does come in and seize it all - then Kim and I would be out and walk away.

    Legally, I'm in a tough bind because I have access to nothing....all would have to go to probate court and the process would be lengthy. And of course, my word means a lot to me and I believe in doing the right thing. While I'm hurt by what's happened, I'm going to see what my legal rights are and see if I can save something.

    He worked for what he had - and to see him throw it all down the drain, I'm just left wondering why - he was not a stupid man....but very secretive concerning his finances....even his wife knew nothing of what he had.

    And we'll hope our Kim is alright - she's really stepped up beside me, because she knows how hard this is - and I see her tenderness towards me coming back....it's been such a long time and that type of intimacy was lost in our cancer battles...and you think you'll never see it again.

    And it's just having your someone besides you in life as you're taking your beating - that's where the "for better or worse" comes into play. And that's what a relationship really is...just helping each other get to the next day until the blacktop ends...

    Love you, Marie!

    -Craig

    I love that line...
    "helping each other get to the next day until the blacktop ends". Despite all that you're going through, the writer in you never quits. That's the sign that it's a for-real gift. Hugs, Ann
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    "The Lion's Roar"
    I woke up this morning feeling dog tired and did not want to embrace the morning. While I was getting ready for work, my mind resumed all the thinking I’ve had to do. By the time I pulled out of the driveway and made it to the highway….guess what?

    I felt this sudden rush of “Feeling Good.” I mean I feel good today, really good. Strong, virile, resilient, energetic, enthusiastic, confident, yet combined with a surreal calm that also washed over me this morning – at this time, I can’t explain it any better than that right now.

    I don’t know if it was Big Billy whispering in my ear, but this morning I’ve once again found “The Fightin’ Side of Me.”

    Do you hear that?

    That’s the blood rushing through my veins with a deafening roar – feeding that mighty warrior heart of mine - that’s the sound of my spine stiffening as I stand up tall and straight, filled with the resolve of that, which I must overcome.

    I’ve sloughed off the “Victim’s Shroud” and I find myself suddenly able to see what must be done with a clarity that is quickly coming into much sharper focus.

    I realized this morning, that what I’ve been experiencing is much like it is when we first discover we have cancer. It’s very much like our opening chapter in the book – “The Diagnosis.”

    Where we get the news – our world turns over – it’s all so overwhelming because we’re in an unknown spot with no road maps or sign posts to show the way. We are stunned – we are confused – we are lost – and we are uncertain.

    This is where I am right now with all of this mess with my dad. I’m in the land of the unknown with all of the secrets and back stabbing and the ugliest side of our natures on display. There is a legal world I must learn about – there are other legal obligations on all levels that I’ve never had to contend with before, so that’s always unnerving until you can find your footing.

    And there’s the innuendo and church folk talking about us – acting as the “family” and getting away with it, because dad set it all up that way. So, there’s so many dynamics coming into play. It resembles a very bad soap opera.

    And here I was just thinking I didn’t have any fight left in me…but The Lion is ready to fight now and he’s on the prowl and ready to do what is necessary to watch out for his dad’s interest and do what is the right thing to do to resolve everything in a satisfactory manner.

    And I’m going to see this thing through to its rightful conclusion. It’s the right thing to do. All of you know that I’m a man of my word….I say what I mean – and I mean what I say.

    I aspire to all the great human virtues that we have to offer…Honor – Trust – Loyalty – Commitment – Virtue.

    It’s not going to be easy along the way – nothing in this life ever really is. But, I now have found the resolve to see it all the way through…I’m tired of running – I’m tired of pretending – and I’m tired of the victim role.

    I found out that once a warrior – always a warrior. I found that missing gear that I was looking for and it arrived in the form of my wife. I see a new side of her – I see the gal who’s saddled up and battled beside me for 22 years – she’s in the fight mode now and is united in spirit and walking back in-step “with me.”

    My heart is filled with joy, because I thought we could never re-capture any of our past glory – I thought that part of us had died along the cancer trail. But like the Phoenix, we rise from the ashes – to be together and ride out into battle once more – “As One.”

    It’s a blessing for all to see:)

    I’ve got tears in my eyes as I write this…Tootsie, are you out there, darlin’? Maybe your prayers really were answered after all…I know this news will make your heart sing - I know, you have prayed for this for so long – bless you for everything, honey.

    Tina – I know you will appreciate this part of the story as well, if you’re reading.

    We’re off to a great start – and maybe this is the good news from all of this…we’re always looking for the silver lining in any tragedy – this is as close as it can be right now. And it feels so good to have Kim “with me” again…hell, she’s actually blowing the trumpets and sounding the charge!

    She’s off and down the trail going “rogue” on their **** – she’s a tough customer. I’m so proud to have her with me again…I’ve needed her and have missed her – and I think that’s where all of this loneliness was stemming from all these past many months. I tried to pass it off as ‘other’ family members not being there for me – but it wasn’t that – it was not having her with me that was hurting me at the deepest core. Of course, if my sister and uncle were alive, they are “the family” that I had and lost – and it is empty without them – and has been for many, many years.

    But I thought that substituting other family was the answer – and since they were really never there, they couldn’t be now, or ever. The crux of the whole issue was I had lost Kim and we had become “roommates” and not partners – and it hurt me – and I’m sure it hurt her. But, that $hit is all over with now…the clouds have lifted and I see the sun over the horizon now – I think we both see it clearly.

    Cancer nearly broke us – and now this is going to save us…who knew?

    Yeah, I feel good now – I’m ready to fight – I love a good fight. I just need to get my lip bloodied and taste my own blood – and then the $hit is on – Hell is coming with us both now…Big Billy may be out of a job, LOL!

    I love the sting of battle – it tastes like…….like….Victory!

    We are going to see about a free consultation with an attorney – and lay out the story and see what options are available – or could be made available to help keep his estate from falling to the state. Then, we would see what it took to retain their services. Apparently, we’re going to need representation as something is going on that we haven’t figured out. But, it will all come out in the wash somehow.

    I still would like to bury him honorable and let his friends say their good-byes. He set the money for his funeral aside, but of course, made it where I can’t help him at a time when he needs help the most.

    As always, I’ve got to be the bigger man in the relationship, always have had to be. And I’m doing this more for myself now, even though I still don’t want to see dad hurt and taken advantage of.

    I’ve got to be able to live with this, you see? I’ve got to have my conscience and the slate wiped clean, so that I won’t have to carry the guilt around with me for the rest of my days. My bill for all of this will have been paid in full.

    In the end, everything that he has done is bad, real bad. But, I can’t sink to his level, because I march to a different drummer and my name has to stand for something. I would run for awhile, but never be able to hide – and I would remain haunted and I know this.

    So, there it is…The Lion has roared.

    Thank you so much for all your supportive posts – I guess I’m finally at a time where I need you more than I ever have in my life…I know it sux to have to wade through this with me, but I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you continue to stand by me.

    I hope to one day be able to return the favor.

    -The Lion

    "The Lion's Roar" Post Reply Is the ** NEW UPDATE **
    see above post for the "Changes In Attitude - the Changes in Latitude."

    LOL!
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    Craig
    My Friend,
    What Jenny said!!!! Between we two blond's that beotch doesn't have a chance. And, as for your dad, he is who he is, he isn't going to be changing at this late date, I just want you to remember my friend, you are a good man and don't let him start making you doubt yourself or blame yourself, you grew into a good man in spite of him.
    As for Kim, well, got all the fingers, toes and whatever else crossed. Dang, man, when exactly does it get easier?
    Put me with the others, you know I'm looking forward to your book as well.
    Love you man, and I'm pulling for you every step of the way in all the faucets of your life, opening the bottle to let your feelings out and share them with us, I'm sure there are others with a parent or other that have that type of relationship, and this may allow them to talk it out as well, and start feeling a little better about themselves.
    Thinking of you and yours,
    Winter Marie

    Winter Marie
    One of those "Texas Cage Matches" would be worth buying a ticket too, LOL!

    With you, Jennie and Kim all "tag-teaming" against "The Sisters", they would not have a chance...they don't get the fact that we have stared into the face with cancer and walked away...no clue what they would be in for.

    Shoot, I'd even buy a ticket and sip a margarita and cheer "my girls" on:)

    Well, I've surely been dumping my guts alot lately and telling it like it is...I'm not in a sugar coated or mamby-pamby mood lately...I'm tired of hiding behind pretense and I'm tired of the socially correct way to live...I'm getting back to my core roots.

    I know I've rec'd several PMs recently since TC originally asked how I was. And I am seeing folks on the forum and through PMs sharing their lives and storied with me. And just what I wrote in the post about us sharing and feeling liberated and unburdening has come to pass.

    I hope there are many more people, perhaps through me, can see that's it socially okay and needed for our well being to share things among friends...you guys are my closest confidantes after all. It would warm my heart to see more of this kind of expression.

    The board would rock in ways that we can't see right now. If I can be an example or a light or a signal that it's cool, then I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

    I'm a student of life, but I like to pass down what I've learned along the way...and I think this life is about lessons - lessons we need to learn and share - and then pass down to the next generation of folks.

    Your comments ring true...and I think the work has been in progress. And what might spring forth, would be a blessing to bear witness to.

    Love/Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    PhillieG said:

    Dude...
    Sorry to hear Kim has stuff to deal with now too.
    Stress! We all need some in our lives but too much is NFG
    Sorry to hear your Dad's not well too. BEWARE OF THE “Adopted Daughters”...
    They sound more like the preying type than the praying type. Let them believe/think whatever they want. They are intruders and interlopers in your life as well as your Dad's. Everyone loves attention but it's easy to not see clearly at times.

    And remember Gregg, YOU are the executor of your Dad's estate. His wife gets her 50%, hopefully she will help instead of just putting her hand out but something tells me that the “Adopted Daughters” may seek a donation to their cause.

    Life's hard, life with cancer's even harder. Don't let them screw you. I know you weren't born yesterday but as a friend I feel I have a responsibility to chime in on this.
    My best to you & Kim
    -ralph

    Ralph:) LOL!
    You know, man...I've been missing you...I've wanted to hear from you...got a tear just seeing your face and reading your post....I thought you had forgotten your boy down here in the Lone Star State.

    I'm glad to see you on this post...yes, "these daughters" are up to no good...they took over when we got sick and went to the social worker at the home and told them that we were bad people and all sorts of stuff....as you know "Perception Easily Becomes Reality."

    Files are missing out of the house, other stuff seems to be missing now. There is definitely an angle in from the both of them - apparently, they never got along before I heard, but the lure of money has suddenly "united" them.

    Something is up....my dad was handing out $50 bills to one of them we know and more than once...and we found checks written for $150 apiece....one of his friends loaned dad a car to drive...and then one of the adopted ones has taken that for herself - and it wasn't dad's, but his friends...now, she won't give that back.

    She's opportunistic and a fakard, Phil. But, you can see that just as readily as I do. It's all an act - all a show.

    Seeing you here today has been a comfort to me, because it lets me know that you care and that means alot to me, buddy...just a lot:)

    Thanks!

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    pepebcn said:

    Craig what an unfair situation .
    Since I am also one of those who still believes that God is good, I will keep you in my prayers and will tell him how all of us need you here among us.
    This place wouldn't be the same without you my friend!.
    I Also will keep Kim in my thoughts hoping it's nothing but just a false alarm, we need her as well please give her a big hug!.
    God bless you both my friend.

    Pepe!
    Please tell Him, Pepe.

    Thank you for your support and your kind words about Kim...we will all hope that whatever it is or isn't, we can work our way through what we need to do.

    "Wouldn't be the same place without me?"

    It would be quieter, that's for sure, LOL!

    I'll hug her for you, me too....if she's giving - I need to be gettin'

    LOL! LOL! LOL!

    Thanks, Pepe

    -Craig
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    "The Lion's Roar"
    I woke up this morning feeling dog tired and did not want to embrace the morning. While I was getting ready for work, my mind resumed all the thinking I’ve had to do. By the time I pulled out of the driveway and made it to the highway….guess what?

    I felt this sudden rush of “Feeling Good.” I mean I feel good today, really good. Strong, virile, resilient, energetic, enthusiastic, confident, yet combined with a surreal calm that also washed over me this morning – at this time, I can’t explain it any better than that right now.

    I don’t know if it was Big Billy whispering in my ear, but this morning I’ve once again found “The Fightin’ Side of Me.”

    Do you hear that?

    That’s the blood rushing through my veins with a deafening roar – feeding that mighty warrior heart of mine - that’s the sound of my spine stiffening as I stand up tall and straight, filled with the resolve of that, which I must overcome.

    I’ve sloughed off the “Victim’s Shroud” and I find myself suddenly able to see what must be done with a clarity that is quickly coming into much sharper focus.

    I realized this morning, that what I’ve been experiencing is much like it is when we first discover we have cancer. It’s very much like our opening chapter in the book – “The Diagnosis.”

    Where we get the news – our world turns over – it’s all so overwhelming because we’re in an unknown spot with no road maps or sign posts to show the way. We are stunned – we are confused – we are lost – and we are uncertain.

    This is where I am right now with all of this mess with my dad. I’m in the land of the unknown with all of the secrets and back stabbing and the ugliest side of our natures on display. There is a legal world I must learn about – there are other legal obligations on all levels that I’ve never had to contend with before, so that’s always unnerving until you can find your footing.

    And there’s the innuendo and church folk talking about us – acting as the “family” and getting away with it, because dad set it all up that way. So, there’s so many dynamics coming into play. It resembles a very bad soap opera.

    And here I was just thinking I didn’t have any fight left in me…but The Lion is ready to fight now and he’s on the prowl and ready to do what is necessary to watch out for his dad’s interest and do what is the right thing to do to resolve everything in a satisfactory manner.

    And I’m going to see this thing through to its rightful conclusion. It’s the right thing to do. All of you know that I’m a man of my word….I say what I mean – and I mean what I say.

    I aspire to all the great human virtues that we have to offer…Honor – Trust – Loyalty – Commitment – Virtue.

    It’s not going to be easy along the way – nothing in this life ever really is. But, I now have found the resolve to see it all the way through…I’m tired of running – I’m tired of pretending – and I’m tired of the victim role.

    I found out that once a warrior – always a warrior. I found that missing gear that I was looking for and it arrived in the form of my wife. I see a new side of her – I see the gal who’s saddled up and battled beside me for 22 years – she’s in the fight mode now and is united in spirit and walking back in-step “with me.”

    My heart is filled with joy, because I thought we could never re-capture any of our past glory – I thought that part of us had died along the cancer trail. But like the Phoenix, we rise from the ashes – to be together and ride out into battle once more – “As One.”

    It’s a blessing for all to see:)

    I’ve got tears in my eyes as I write this…Tootsie, are you out there, darlin’? Maybe your prayers really were answered after all…I know this news will make your heart sing - I know, you have prayed for this for so long – bless you for everything, honey.

    Tina – I know you will appreciate this part of the story as well, if you’re reading.

    We’re off to a great start – and maybe this is the good news from all of this…we’re always looking for the silver lining in any tragedy – this is as close as it can be right now. And it feels so good to have Kim “with me” again…hell, she’s actually blowing the trumpets and sounding the charge!

    She’s off and down the trail going “rogue” on their **** – she’s a tough customer. I’m so proud to have her with me again…I’ve needed her and have missed her – and I think that’s where all of this loneliness was stemming from all these past many months. I tried to pass it off as ‘other’ family members not being there for me – but it wasn’t that – it was not having her with me that was hurting me at the deepest core. Of course, if my sister and uncle were alive, they are “the family” that I had and lost – and it is empty without them – and has been for many, many years.

    But I thought that substituting other family was the answer – and since they were really never there, they couldn’t be now, or ever. The crux of the whole issue was I had lost Kim and we had become “roommates” and not partners – and it hurt me – and I’m sure it hurt her. But, that $hit is all over with now…the clouds have lifted and I see the sun over the horizon now – I think we both see it clearly.

    Cancer nearly broke us – and now this is going to save us…who knew?

    Yeah, I feel good now – I’m ready to fight – I love a good fight. I just need to get my lip bloodied and taste my own blood – and then the $hit is on – Hell is coming with us both now…Big Billy may be out of a job, LOL!

    I love the sting of battle – it tastes like…….like….Victory!

    We are going to see about a free consultation with an attorney – and lay out the story and see what options are available – or could be made available to help keep his estate from falling to the state. Then, we would see what it took to retain their services. Apparently, we’re going to need representation as something is going on that we haven’t figured out. But, it will all come out in the wash somehow.

    I still would like to bury him honorable and let his friends say their good-byes. He set the money for his funeral aside, but of course, made it where I can’t help him at a time when he needs help the most.

    As always, I’ve got to be the bigger man in the relationship, always have had to be. And I’m doing this more for myself now, even though I still don’t want to see dad hurt and taken advantage of.

    I’ve got to be able to live with this, you see? I’ve got to have my conscience and the slate wiped clean, so that I won’t have to carry the guilt around with me for the rest of my days. My bill for all of this will have been paid in full.

    In the end, everything that he has done is bad, real bad. But, I can’t sink to his level, because I march to a different drummer and my name has to stand for something. I would run for awhile, but never be able to hide – and I would remain haunted and I know this.

    So, there it is…The Lion has roared.

    Thank you so much for all your supportive posts – I guess I’m finally at a time where I need you more than I ever have in my life…I know it sux to have to wade through this with me, but I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you continue to stand by me.

    I hope to one day be able to return the favor.

    -The Lion

    Dear Craig
    You Roar not only for yourself but for all of us. Your spirit, strength and personal ethics show us that WE as individuals can still BE regardless of the adversities.

    I think it is time to get out the Good Book and type up a few cards with some approriate verses to hand out the the "Church Folks". The attitude you describe them to have is certainly not part of any spiritual following that I ever heard of! Kill them with kindness, as the saying goes.

    So very glad to hear of your renewed spirit and the renewal of your relationship with Kim. It shows that you are well matched...you both may get down for a bit, but then rebound to stand shoulder to shoulder to give the world hell!

    Hugs to you both,

    Marie who loves kitties
  • smokeyjoe
    smokeyjoe Member Posts: 1,425 Member

    Dear Craig
    You Roar not only for yourself but for all of us. Your spirit, strength and personal ethics show us that WE as individuals can still BE regardless of the adversities.

    I think it is time to get out the Good Book and type up a few cards with some approriate verses to hand out the the "Church Folks". The attitude you describe them to have is certainly not part of any spiritual following that I ever heard of! Kill them with kindness, as the saying goes.

    So very glad to hear of your renewed spirit and the renewal of your relationship with Kim. It shows that you are well matched...you both may get down for a bit, but then rebound to stand shoulder to shoulder to give the world hell!

    Hugs to you both,

    Marie who loves kitties

    Craig...just a note, when
    Craig...just a note, when you go see an attorney, I'm in Canada and not the U.S., but maybe just check into whether you can get insurance coverage for your role as executor....just saying, if someone puts up some kind of stink over how it was handled this may help protect you.
  • Buckwirth
    Buckwirth Member Posts: 1,258 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    Hey Blake:)
    Hey there, Big Hoss!

    How's the world treating you?

    You mean, you still want to hear what I've got to say, LOL!

    I appreciate your comment - and I've looked into self publishing quite a bit and things could end up going that route. I'd like to see it available in some form.

    Of course, what really reached me in your post, was that you were still "interested" in what I had to say in those chapters. I think you would nod your head at several places as you read it. And I want you to read it - and I would value your feedback from said reading.

    It would mean the world to me to hear what everyone here had to say - because you are the folks who know me so well - and you were my inspiration for writing it - and all of your stories and your lives became mine too - and you are the ones who have faithfully stood right my side ever since the day I landed.

    Because, I value all of your feedback and support - and because I just love you guys - and what you think matters a great deal to me.

    I hope you are on the mend and glad to see you on this post - thanks for stopping by:)

    -Craig

    I'm sorry
    Did I say I'd read it?


    :-D

    I will say this, my wife loves your style, so I have no choice but to enjoy your writing!

    Blake
  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    "The Lion's Roar"
    I woke up this morning feeling dog tired and did not want to embrace the morning. While I was getting ready for work, my mind resumed all the thinking I’ve had to do. By the time I pulled out of the driveway and made it to the highway….guess what?

    I felt this sudden rush of “Feeling Good.” I mean I feel good today, really good. Strong, virile, resilient, energetic, enthusiastic, confident, yet combined with a surreal calm that also washed over me this morning – at this time, I can’t explain it any better than that right now.

    I don’t know if it was Big Billy whispering in my ear, but this morning I’ve once again found “The Fightin’ Side of Me.”

    Do you hear that?

    That’s the blood rushing through my veins with a deafening roar – feeding that mighty warrior heart of mine - that’s the sound of my spine stiffening as I stand up tall and straight, filled with the resolve of that, which I must overcome.

    I’ve sloughed off the “Victim’s Shroud” and I find myself suddenly able to see what must be done with a clarity that is quickly coming into much sharper focus.

    I realized this morning, that what I’ve been experiencing is much like it is when we first discover we have cancer. It’s very much like our opening chapter in the book – “The Diagnosis.”

    Where we get the news – our world turns over – it’s all so overwhelming because we’re in an unknown spot with no road maps or sign posts to show the way. We are stunned – we are confused – we are lost – and we are uncertain.

    This is where I am right now with all of this mess with my dad. I’m in the land of the unknown with all of the secrets and back stabbing and the ugliest side of our natures on display. There is a legal world I must learn about – there are other legal obligations on all levels that I’ve never had to contend with before, so that’s always unnerving until you can find your footing.

    And there’s the innuendo and church folk talking about us – acting as the “family” and getting away with it, because dad set it all up that way. So, there’s so many dynamics coming into play. It resembles a very bad soap opera.

    And here I was just thinking I didn’t have any fight left in me…but The Lion is ready to fight now and he’s on the prowl and ready to do what is necessary to watch out for his dad’s interest and do what is the right thing to do to resolve everything in a satisfactory manner.

    And I’m going to see this thing through to its rightful conclusion. It’s the right thing to do. All of you know that I’m a man of my word….I say what I mean – and I mean what I say.

    I aspire to all the great human virtues that we have to offer…Honor – Trust – Loyalty – Commitment – Virtue.

    It’s not going to be easy along the way – nothing in this life ever really is. But, I now have found the resolve to see it all the way through…I’m tired of running – I’m tired of pretending – and I’m tired of the victim role.

    I found out that once a warrior – always a warrior. I found that missing gear that I was looking for and it arrived in the form of my wife. I see a new side of her – I see the gal who’s saddled up and battled beside me for 22 years – she’s in the fight mode now and is united in spirit and walking back in-step “with me.”

    My heart is filled with joy, because I thought we could never re-capture any of our past glory – I thought that part of us had died along the cancer trail. But like the Phoenix, we rise from the ashes – to be together and ride out into battle once more – “As One.”

    It’s a blessing for all to see:)

    I’ve got tears in my eyes as I write this…Tootsie, are you out there, darlin’? Maybe your prayers really were answered after all…I know this news will make your heart sing - I know, you have prayed for this for so long – bless you for everything, honey.

    Tina – I know you will appreciate this part of the story as well, if you’re reading.

    We’re off to a great start – and maybe this is the good news from all of this…we’re always looking for the silver lining in any tragedy – this is as close as it can be right now. And it feels so good to have Kim “with me” again…hell, she’s actually blowing the trumpets and sounding the charge!

    She’s off and down the trail going “rogue” on their **** – she’s a tough customer. I’m so proud to have her with me again…I’ve needed her and have missed her – and I think that’s where all of this loneliness was stemming from all these past many months. I tried to pass it off as ‘other’ family members not being there for me – but it wasn’t that – it was not having her with me that was hurting me at the deepest core. Of course, if my sister and uncle were alive, they are “the family” that I had and lost – and it is empty without them – and has been for many, many years.

    But I thought that substituting other family was the answer – and since they were really never there, they couldn’t be now, or ever. The crux of the whole issue was I had lost Kim and we had become “roommates” and not partners – and it hurt me – and I’m sure it hurt her. But, that $hit is all over with now…the clouds have lifted and I see the sun over the horizon now – I think we both see it clearly.

    Cancer nearly broke us – and now this is going to save us…who knew?

    Yeah, I feel good now – I’m ready to fight – I love a good fight. I just need to get my lip bloodied and taste my own blood – and then the $hit is on – Hell is coming with us both now…Big Billy may be out of a job, LOL!

    I love the sting of battle – it tastes like…….like….Victory!

    We are going to see about a free consultation with an attorney – and lay out the story and see what options are available – or could be made available to help keep his estate from falling to the state. Then, we would see what it took to retain their services. Apparently, we’re going to need representation as something is going on that we haven’t figured out. But, it will all come out in the wash somehow.

    I still would like to bury him honorable and let his friends say their good-byes. He set the money for his funeral aside, but of course, made it where I can’t help him at a time when he needs help the most.

    As always, I’ve got to be the bigger man in the relationship, always have had to be. And I’m doing this more for myself now, even though I still don’t want to see dad hurt and taken advantage of.

    I’ve got to be able to live with this, you see? I’ve got to have my conscience and the slate wiped clean, so that I won’t have to carry the guilt around with me for the rest of my days. My bill for all of this will have been paid in full.

    In the end, everything that he has done is bad, real bad. But, I can’t sink to his level, because I march to a different drummer and my name has to stand for something. I would run for awhile, but never be able to hide – and I would remain haunted and I know this.

    So, there it is…The Lion has roared.

    Thank you so much for all your supportive posts – I guess I’m finally at a time where I need you more than I ever have in my life…I know it sux to have to wade through this with me, but I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you continue to stand by me.

    I hope to one day be able to return the favor.

    -The Lion

    That's what i like to hear
    That's what i like to hear is tbe lions roar. You are the ultimage warrior. What we don't let beat us will make us stronger. You inspired me to be strong yestedday during treatment an refuse to get real sick like i did on the last two treatments. Well i am happy to say my attitude through your inspiration worked my friend.
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    lauragb said:

    Ahhh..what a great post, I
    Ahhh..what a great post, I am so happy for your renewed closeness with your wife. And you have risen above, after all you've been through with your father, you don't want to see him hurt and taken advantage of. Your attitude will bring good to you. Your different drummer takes you to a better place. Releasing the past is cleansing and I'm so happy for you that you know what you need to do so that you will be without guilt. And you know you can take the advice of others and bale if you need to, if things get too toxic, and still there should be no guilt.

    Thanks for your soulful entries.
    Keeping you in the light.
    Laura

    "Just Leave the Light On, Laura"
    Hey, Gal - you and I both just love things in "the light", don't we? You keep everyone in the light - and I shine the light into the darkness, so we can better see:)

    LOL!

    I agree with everything that you said 100%...it pleases me to see others recognize and understand where I'm coming from and what it took to reach those conclusions. The mind is a swirl of thoughts and emotions sometimes - it can become quite a maelstrom, when we find ourselves in its throes.

    Like a ship being tossed about the sea, we are at times, feeling out of control with our lives and find ourselves just haning on for our very lives as we wait for calmer waters. Other times, we feel lost, confused and conflicted and we don't know which direction to go.

    Still other times, we stuff our feelings down and try to throw dirt over it in the hopes that it will go away and never return. Of course, it doesn't work like that. I just believe that allowing ourselves the time and freedom to let the natural, organic emotions that make up our existence, wash over us, is the healthiest thing we can do.

    It's only normal - it does not happen overnight, enlightenment rarely works that fast. It's about a time and a process and the permission we give ourselves to feel, to think and to say what we need to, so that we can understand and come to some sort of acceptance in our lives, so that we can finally move forward and not look back.

    At least, don't look back for too long - sometimes it is good to look back, because it allows you to see where you were - where you are - and where you are going. If we didn't have these important life markers in place, we wouldn't know which direction that we wanted to go.

    Sometimes, it may take a day, sometimes it might take up to a year - sometimes like me, it might take up to 50 years, LOL! And really, for all of us, it will take a lifetime to get it all figured out - our lifetime.

    Once we have time to assimilate the data, we step back and extrapolate the feelings we thought we had yesterday, but find through our searching that they are the same, yet different on another day. Then we come to that plane of conciousness, where we finally see it for what it is - make the adjustment - come to terms with it - and then compartmentalize it in the deepest recesses of our brains, so that we can have a reference to draw from in the future.

    That's what a psychologist does - they listen to you and prod you to talk it out - it's already there with each of us, we simply have to uncork the bottle and let the genie out of the lamp.

    it's just about wrestling with your thoughts and feelings and understanding why you did and felt like you did - and where you are now and what you're doing now that is important and what we're trying to seek the answers for. Everything else, is just what gets us from end of the spectrum to the other..."the journey."

    I want to thank you so much for your thoughtful, insightful post and I really do appreciate you sticking around and listening to me. And thanks for taking the time out for me. I appreciate you:)

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    That's what i like to hear
    That's what i like to hear is tbe lions roar. You are the ultimage warrior. What we don't let beat us will make us stronger. You inspired me to be strong yestedday during treatment an refuse to get real sick like i did on the last two treatments. Well i am happy to say my attitude through your inspiration worked my friend.

    And....That's What I Like to Hear:)
    W2Go, big Jeff!

    That cheers me up hearing you say that. You got my motor runnin'...

    We'll all just continue to kick **** "The Sundance Way" - because if we're wrong - we don't wanna' be right.

    LOL!

    I'm happy I was able to help you, buddy...you've given me the ultimate compliment and I thank you for that. You keep me in the loop and best wishes for healing from this infusion. You are very gracious and thank you for responding when I know you're not feeling as well as we want you to be. That takes guts - and I know it when I see it - and you've got that...and more!

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    Dear Craig
    You Roar not only for yourself but for all of us. Your spirit, strength and personal ethics show us that WE as individuals can still BE regardless of the adversities.

    I think it is time to get out the Good Book and type up a few cards with some approriate verses to hand out the the "Church Folks". The attitude you describe them to have is certainly not part of any spiritual following that I ever heard of! Kill them with kindness, as the saying goes.

    So very glad to hear of your renewed spirit and the renewal of your relationship with Kim. It shows that you are well matched...you both may get down for a bit, but then rebound to stand shoulder to shoulder to give the world hell!

    Hugs to you both,

    Marie who loves kitties

    Marie:)
    That was very touching and meaningful to me, Marie...I never tire of your kind and thoughtful responses and always appreciate your heartfelt replies. You're a smart lady with a good handle on the situations of life.

    You've gotten to know me pretty well, so you know how I am. It's a comfort to me to be accepted by folks like you - just for being me. There is not a price that can be put on that kind of friendship. And even if there were, I'm no sell-out - I've found that my friends are my riches - and I'm a wealthy man, as long as I have all of you in my life.

    I thank you!

    I'm glad you checked back in to read the update. You know I'm like a Weeble - "I wobble, but I don't fall down." (remember those?)

    LOL! LOL! LOL!

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    Buckwirth said:

    I'm sorry
    Did I say I'd read it?


    :-D

    I will say this, my wife loves your style, so I have no choice but to enjoy your writing!

    Blake

    Blake!
    Man, you cut me to the quick - LOL!

    Now, that I think about it, no you didn't say you'd read it:) I should have known better, LOL!

    Well, at least your wife has good taste:) LOL!

    Please tell her thank you from a struggling wannabe! It does make me feel good to know that she enjoys my writing - she obviously has very refined tastes:)

    Okay, I'm out - be good man, and if you can't be good - be better!

    -Craig
  • dasspears
    dasspears Member Posts: 227
    Sundanceh said:

    "The Lion's Roar"
    I woke up this morning feeling dog tired and did not want to embrace the morning. While I was getting ready for work, my mind resumed all the thinking I’ve had to do. By the time I pulled out of the driveway and made it to the highway….guess what?

    I felt this sudden rush of “Feeling Good.” I mean I feel good today, really good. Strong, virile, resilient, energetic, enthusiastic, confident, yet combined with a surreal calm that also washed over me this morning – at this time, I can’t explain it any better than that right now.

    I don’t know if it was Big Billy whispering in my ear, but this morning I’ve once again found “The Fightin’ Side of Me.”

    Do you hear that?

    That’s the blood rushing through my veins with a deafening roar – feeding that mighty warrior heart of mine - that’s the sound of my spine stiffening as I stand up tall and straight, filled with the resolve of that, which I must overcome.

    I’ve sloughed off the “Victim’s Shroud” and I find myself suddenly able to see what must be done with a clarity that is quickly coming into much sharper focus.

    I realized this morning, that what I’ve been experiencing is much like it is when we first discover we have cancer. It’s very much like our opening chapter in the book – “The Diagnosis.”

    Where we get the news – our world turns over – it’s all so overwhelming because we’re in an unknown spot with no road maps or sign posts to show the way. We are stunned – we are confused – we are lost – and we are uncertain.

    This is where I am right now with all of this mess with my dad. I’m in the land of the unknown with all of the secrets and back stabbing and the ugliest side of our natures on display. There is a legal world I must learn about – there are other legal obligations on all levels that I’ve never had to contend with before, so that’s always unnerving until you can find your footing.

    And there’s the innuendo and church folk talking about us – acting as the “family” and getting away with it, because dad set it all up that way. So, there’s so many dynamics coming into play. It resembles a very bad soap opera.

    And here I was just thinking I didn’t have any fight left in me…but The Lion is ready to fight now and he’s on the prowl and ready to do what is necessary to watch out for his dad’s interest and do what is the right thing to do to resolve everything in a satisfactory manner.

    And I’m going to see this thing through to its rightful conclusion. It’s the right thing to do. All of you know that I’m a man of my word….I say what I mean – and I mean what I say.

    I aspire to all the great human virtues that we have to offer…Honor – Trust – Loyalty – Commitment – Virtue.

    It’s not going to be easy along the way – nothing in this life ever really is. But, I now have found the resolve to see it all the way through…I’m tired of running – I’m tired of pretending – and I’m tired of the victim role.

    I found out that once a warrior – always a warrior. I found that missing gear that I was looking for and it arrived in the form of my wife. I see a new side of her – I see the gal who’s saddled up and battled beside me for 22 years – she’s in the fight mode now and is united in spirit and walking back in-step “with me.”

    My heart is filled with joy, because I thought we could never re-capture any of our past glory – I thought that part of us had died along the cancer trail. But like the Phoenix, we rise from the ashes – to be together and ride out into battle once more – “As One.”

    It’s a blessing for all to see:)

    I’ve got tears in my eyes as I write this…Tootsie, are you out there, darlin’? Maybe your prayers really were answered after all…I know this news will make your heart sing - I know, you have prayed for this for so long – bless you for everything, honey.

    Tina – I know you will appreciate this part of the story as well, if you’re reading.

    We’re off to a great start – and maybe this is the good news from all of this…we’re always looking for the silver lining in any tragedy – this is as close as it can be right now. And it feels so good to have Kim “with me” again…hell, she’s actually blowing the trumpets and sounding the charge!

    She’s off and down the trail going “rogue” on their **** – she’s a tough customer. I’m so proud to have her with me again…I’ve needed her and have missed her – and I think that’s where all of this loneliness was stemming from all these past many months. I tried to pass it off as ‘other’ family members not being there for me – but it wasn’t that – it was not having her with me that was hurting me at the deepest core. Of course, if my sister and uncle were alive, they are “the family” that I had and lost – and it is empty without them – and has been for many, many years.

    But I thought that substituting other family was the answer – and since they were really never there, they couldn’t be now, or ever. The crux of the whole issue was I had lost Kim and we had become “roommates” and not partners – and it hurt me – and I’m sure it hurt her. But, that $hit is all over with now…the clouds have lifted and I see the sun over the horizon now – I think we both see it clearly.

    Cancer nearly broke us – and now this is going to save us…who knew?

    Yeah, I feel good now – I’m ready to fight – I love a good fight. I just need to get my lip bloodied and taste my own blood – and then the $hit is on – Hell is coming with us both now…Big Billy may be out of a job, LOL!

    I love the sting of battle – it tastes like…….like….Victory!

    We are going to see about a free consultation with an attorney – and lay out the story and see what options are available – or could be made available to help keep his estate from falling to the state. Then, we would see what it took to retain their services. Apparently, we’re going to need representation as something is going on that we haven’t figured out. But, it will all come out in the wash somehow.

    I still would like to bury him honorable and let his friends say their good-byes. He set the money for his funeral aside, but of course, made it where I can’t help him at a time when he needs help the most.

    As always, I’ve got to be the bigger man in the relationship, always have had to be. And I’m doing this more for myself now, even though I still don’t want to see dad hurt and taken advantage of.

    I’ve got to be able to live with this, you see? I’ve got to have my conscience and the slate wiped clean, so that I won’t have to carry the guilt around with me for the rest of my days. My bill for all of this will have been paid in full.

    In the end, everything that he has done is bad, real bad. But, I can’t sink to his level, because I march to a different drummer and my name has to stand for something. I would run for awhile, but never be able to hide – and I would remain haunted and I know this.

    So, there it is…The Lion has roared.

    Thank you so much for all your supportive posts – I guess I’m finally at a time where I need you more than I ever have in my life…I know it sux to have to wade through this with me, but I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you continue to stand by me.

    I hope to one day be able to return the favor.

    -The Lion

    Wow!
    Inspiring post! I got pumped up just reading it. You rock, Craig!!!
  • lauragb
    lauragb Member Posts: 370 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    And....That's What I Like to Hear:)
    W2Go, big Jeff!

    That cheers me up hearing you say that. You got my motor runnin'...

    We'll all just continue to kick **** "The Sundance Way" - because if we're wrong - we don't wanna' be right.

    LOL!

    I'm happy I was able to help you, buddy...you've given me the ultimate compliment and I thank you for that. You keep me in the loop and best wishes for healing from this infusion. You are very gracious and thank you for responding when I know you're not feeling as well as we want you to be. That takes guts - and I know it when I see it - and you've got that...and more!

    -Craig

    Yes Craig, the light saves
    Yes Craig, the light saves me. It is what I found when I was in the darkest recesses at the time of my diagnosis. Funny, it had been there all the time but I didn't see it until I was at the bottom of a dark hole.

    I use light and affirmation and prayer to get me through. About guilt, remorse and regret, I have an affirmation about releasing from that, but being human it creeps in from time to time. I decided to indulge my inner guilt by allowing myself to think of guilt inducing scenarios for a very brief periods when they pop up, then clear it, and it's done. Acknowledging past mistakes can make us better people today but lulling in guilt only brings us to a negative space and is not a healing force in our lives.

    Enlightenment does take time but it seems I've moved into fast forward with this fight. I guess I'm just one of those people who needs to be hit over the head in order to see. I have always been intuitive but not with myself apparently, hmmmmm.

    An aside, my father-in-law had younger "friends" hanging around during his last years. It was annoying. I guess this is not uncommon. There didn't end up being any estate issues though. But I lovingly release and forgive all of the past so I won't think about that anymore! LOL!

    And yes keeping you in the light and using that light to try to stay out of the black hole.
    Laura
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    dasspears said:

    Wow!
    Inspiring post! I got pumped up just reading it. You rock, Craig!!!

    Thank You Wonderful Community and Dear Friends...
    Just a big, big thank you again for responding to this post!!!

    Just a quick funny:

    Kim and I had cut off the free handing out of information regarding my dad's health condition...you know the HIPA act?

    We set it up where only the 2 of us would receive any information and that if anybody called or asked, they are referred to the nurse's station and asked what the password is...

    So, the most blatant "Adopted Daughter" marches up there the other day and 'inquires.' The nurses cut her off at that legs and said, "only family is to receive that information."

    Apparently, she had a major fit on the hospital floor and stormed out of there - WITHOUT going in to see my dad...so no more money, no more access, and soon to be no more access to my dad's house....and I told my dad's friend to pick up his car because she drove up to his house in a HUMMER - what does she need that extra car for?

    Well, so her daughter can 'have a car' to drive around in...we think she has read his will somehow and figured she was not written in - "So if she can't have it - she is going to make sure that neither will we."

    That's got to be the plan unless she can find a way to make a claim on the estate, but I don't see how...but nothing surprises me anymore.

    Anyway, she dropped her pants and showed her **** - her virtues, or lack of them, are on full display and it's not a pretty sight...I await the next counterpunch, but not before I throw a couple of my own.

    I may not be good at much - but I know how to fight - and I know the correct way to do it - you never see it coming...

    Thanks again, guys....if I need some character references from my atty, I hope a few of you might put in a good word for me and Kim, if it comes to that. I may need The Sundance Army to squash her like a bug before we're through.

    Thanks again!

    -Craig
  • LivinginNH
    LivinginNH Member Posts: 1,456 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    Thank You Wonderful Community and Dear Friends...
    Just a big, big thank you again for responding to this post!!!

    Just a quick funny:

    Kim and I had cut off the free handing out of information regarding my dad's health condition...you know the HIPA act?

    We set it up where only the 2 of us would receive any information and that if anybody called or asked, they are referred to the nurse's station and asked what the password is...

    So, the most blatant "Adopted Daughter" marches up there the other day and 'inquires.' The nurses cut her off at that legs and said, "only family is to receive that information."

    Apparently, she had a major fit on the hospital floor and stormed out of there - WITHOUT going in to see my dad...so no more money, no more access, and soon to be no more access to my dad's house....and I told my dad's friend to pick up his car because she drove up to his house in a HUMMER - what does she need that extra car for?

    Well, so her daughter can 'have a car' to drive around in...we think she has read his will somehow and figured she was not written in - "So if she can't have it - she is going to make sure that neither will we."

    That's got to be the plan unless she can find a way to make a claim on the estate, but I don't see how...but nothing surprises me anymore.

    Anyway, she dropped her pants and showed her **** - her virtues, or lack of them, are on full display and it's not a pretty sight...I await the next counterpunch, but not before I throw a couple of my own.

    I may not be good at much - but I know how to fight - and I know the correct way to do it - you never see it coming...

    Thanks again, guys....if I need some character references from my atty, I hope a few of you might put in a good word for me and Kim, if it comes to that. I may need The Sundance Army to squash her like a bug before we're through.

    Thanks again!

    -Craig

    Oh, good one!! :-D I can

    Oh, good one!! :-D I can just picture her having a hissy fit and storming out of the hospital. :-D Btw, have you changed the locks on the house yet? My friend had to do that recently to prevent her father-in-laws "kids" from taking everything out of the house after he passed. The lawyer also slapped a court ordered No Trespassing and no harassment order on these people too, so maybe that's something you could use as well. But it seems as if you've won the first volley! :-)

    Take care,

    Cyn
  • nikkers
    nikkers Member Posts: 25

    Oh, good one!! :-D I can

    Oh, good one!! :-D I can just picture her having a hissy fit and storming out of the hospital. :-D Btw, have you changed the locks on the house yet? My friend had to do that recently to prevent her father-in-laws "kids" from taking everything out of the house after he passed. The lawyer also slapped a court ordered No Trespassing and no harassment order on these people too, so maybe that's something you could use as well. But it seems as if you've won the first volley! :-)

    Take care,

    Cyn

    Thank you!~
    I read through your posts here and all I can say is that I am amazed at your ability to write and give help and assistance to me when you yourself were going through so much. I read with such recognition the relationship you had with your sister as it so reflects mine with my brother. Even though we live thousands of miles apart, we have stayed as close as two people can be and he is my most favorite man in the world after my husband, who is another wonderful man. We have worked hard to have our children be as close as brothers and sisters and feel each other's children close in our hearts, which is why my niece's prognosis and present situation cuts me like a knife.

    I thank you deeply for your strength, straightforwardness, self analysis and example. I wish you and Kim a long, happy, and fulfilling life together and that your present stresses will seem like insignificant specks on a distant planet ----- seems like you're already shrinking them to a manageable size anyway... re: sisters as insects. Way to go! Nikky