Anybody heard from Sundance?

Sundanceh said:

Pat:)
Hi, honey:)

Nice to see you...you may have lost Roger and Kerry, but you still got me:)

I guess I'll just have to do, LOL!

You'll like the "Double B" - he's one of us after all.

I remember when you had to take care of your parent's estates and health...and now it's my turn. So good seeing you again, even when we're apart - we're near:)

-Craig

Annabelle41415 said:

Sorry
So sorry you are going through all that you are. You are such a great contributor on the board and consider you a true friend even though we have never met. Your heart is as big as the sun and it shows through your writings. I've not been on much so I'm not keeping up with what is going on in the daily posts for awhile, but just wanted to let you know that you are being thought of always.

Hugs! Kim

janderson1964 said:

My heart goes out to you. I
My heart goes out to you. I have had a loving family and wife so I can't begin to imagine what you have experienced. It seams like cancer is the least of it. Your words always mean a lot to me and I was missing your posts for the past couple of weeks. Your continued survival is an inspiration to me.

Jeff

Sundanceh said:

All Points Bulletin - Suspect "On the Run" Has Been Apprehended
"10-4, the cover is code 3...we've got him detained and in custody, over."

LOL!

Thank you, TC, for this post. I appreciate your concern…but my big question to you is, “Did you miss me?” Wait a minute – don’t answer that one – the truth might sting a little too much and you know how sensitive I am, right?

I want to take a minute and thank my “honey-pies” for reaching out to me, at a time in my life when I really needed someone to talk to. Trust is something we earn along the way if we’re very fortunate…the opening of one’s heart and sharing it with other folks, is perhaps the greatest reward that one can give to another. It’s not always easy to trust.

And so, I trusted…and opened my heart to them…to my surprise, my gals did not run for the hills – instead, they comforted and nurtured – something I’ve been sorely lacking for a long time.

It’s those kinds of experiences that form the bonds of strong feelings that equate to real friendship. I am blessed to have these kinds of ladies in my life. And it doesn’t matter whether we’ve met or not…because when one swaps real heartaches and stories and you get to know one another, then isn’t that about as real as you can get?

Ma’ Bell used to say, “Long distance – it’s the next best thing to being there.”

I was turning back towards the dark side with dark thoughts…the inspiration was gone…the well had suddenly run dry…the voice now eerily silenced…

I could not be what I wanted to be here with all that is going on, so I thought it better to stay clear of here, until I could once again regain my perspective. I wrote my own posts and replied to others, but chose to hit the delete key in each case….I just did not like the way it sounded. I could tell the hurt and pain I’m experiencing right now was bleeding over and I could not let that happen.

It was a combination of things really. The news of my 2 new spots on new lung and liver didn’t have time to really sink in, before my dad’s health began to fail him…the last 6-weeks we have been bouncing back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals. So, it has taken all of my available time tending to that.

It’s much more than a physical task however; there is a raging sea of emotions that are churning inside me…many conflicting emotions as I look at the man, who is my dad and also as the man who I suffered under for 50 years with mental and verbal abuse. A man who expected everything out of me – but put nothing in me.

A man, whose last marriage ended up breaking up our family and sending my sister to another town, where she was subsequently murdered at 18. A man, who told me that this wife “was the most important thing to ever happen to him in his life.”

And then she left him 8-years ago when I got cancer and he had a stroke…just got on her broomstick and got the hell out of Dodge.

I stare back at a fallible man with some degree of bitterness and resentment, as I’m now the “Last of the Mohicans” left now to clean up all of this mess. My dad has not made it easy for me - even in his last days.

You see, mine is a duty out of responsibility, not out of love. For in order to love, one has to receive love…and I never got love….just the sting of the lash, or the even harder stinging of words meant to beat me down and destroy my spirit. If I was lucky, I just got silence.

So, when I look around this room, I see families who 'love' one another - really love one another, hell, you actually 'like' each other. And I long for that which I never had - I long for that, which I will never taste...

If you really knew me, you would ask how your Sundance manages to stay upbeat and mostly positive with all that his life has been. Through abuse, sibling's murder, tornadoes, and three cancers....I keep smilin' and trying to help...hoping that one day, I will finally get mine.

So, when the end does come and my dad passes, there will be no tears. If any tears are accidentally shed, they will be for the memories of "What COULD have been"...and "What SHOULD have been."

I could tell you a couple of stories, but I’ve said too much already…

I will tell you this one. The other day, we went to the hospital. I had to sit downstairs for a few minutes just to get nerve enough to go up there….the day before he pretended like he didn’t know me…would not look at me…would not talk to me…

Found out, it was because I did not say “bye” the night before….he had gone to sleep, so I just went on home...of course on that day, he made sure to embarrass me in front of his friends….an old trick. Made me look like an **** – and after me and Kim had both taken a ½ day off from work to go and clean out his room at the nursing home.

It actually gets worse, but I gotta' stop somewhere.

So, my heart was hurting like I was having a stroke or heart attack…very heavy…hard to breathe etc. etc. And then Kim, sensing the tension and the dread, walked up to me and put her around mine:)

WTF!

I about passed out – I haven’t had a touch in such a long time, I had forgotten what it felt like. But, she was actually ‘tender’ to me for those few moments and was really trying to console me…you see, she knows all that has happened….her and my dad don’t get along…and for a lot of obvious reasons.

So, along with my own health concern and now my dad’s failing health, the news of Lisa’s impending passing and I just sorta went numb. I guess I can only take so much of anything. And I’m so tired of watching my friends die right in front of me.

Yesterday, I went down with a big ol’ round of vertigo…that stuff cripples the mind and makes you fearful that the next breath will rock your world…that’s what happened…I responded to a pm here and right after that, Whammo! See you tomorrow.

I hate living like this….I hate living in fear of when my 4th recurrence is coming…I hate living with the fear that my next breath or step is going to leave me dizzy and debilitated. I hate having to fit into the real world when my body is rebelling so. I hate losing all of my friends here that I grew up with to cancer.

I’m tired….so tired….so tired of fighting for every single thing…I had to fight so hard as a child growing up, raising myself….it was the real reality show of Survivor – and that’s why I am a tough nut to crack….believe me, The Best have all taken their shots and lost.

I may not be good – but I am stubborn and ornery – I survive because I’ve always had to.

Big Billy still wants to stop out and visit you…I’ll let him tell you a couple of stories about what’s been happening with the book project.

I’ll tell you that I got my “1st official rejection” email from one of my prospective agents this past Monday. She let me down nicely. I smiled, because at least she herself responded back to me. The others have hit the delete key.

I’ve got a good lead on a new agent though…she is “Passionate” about medical subjects. She likes snail mail, so I put together my book proposal, outline, and the first chapter on good stationary and mailed it out with a wing and a prayer.

I had to enclose a self-addressed envelope so they could mail their reply back to me in 8-9 weeks…what a shame to have to ‘pay’ to receive a rejection, LOL!

In between all of this madness, I’m trying not to forget about ME – my hopes and dreams with this book project Right now, it’s the only thing that is keeping me buoyed in this current stormy chapter of my life.

If things ever pop, I’ve got big plans for Big Billy. Wait till you hear what's on Big Billy’s Bucket List – I’m going to let him tell you all about it. The boy is nothing if not imaginative

But knowing him the way that I do – I “know” he can do what he will tell you he wants to do.

Thanks again, TC…I needed someone to talk to.

Welcome to all the new folks and best wishes to those currently in the fight. Thanks for listening.

-Craig

Sundanceh said:

All Points Bulletin - Suspect "On the Run" Has Been Apprehended
"10-4, the cover is code 3...we've got him detained and in custody, over."

LOL!

Thank you, TC, for this post. I appreciate your concern…but my big question to you is, “Did you miss me?” Wait a minute – don’t answer that one – the truth might sting a little too much and you know how sensitive I am, right?

I want to take a minute and thank my “honey-pies” for reaching out to me, at a time in my life when I really needed someone to talk to. Trust is something we earn along the way if we’re very fortunate…the opening of one’s heart and sharing it with other folks, is perhaps the greatest reward that one can give to another. It’s not always easy to trust.

And so, I trusted…and opened my heart to them…to my surprise, my gals did not run for the hills – instead, they comforted and nurtured – something I’ve been sorely lacking for a long time.

It’s those kinds of experiences that form the bonds of strong feelings that equate to real friendship. I am blessed to have these kinds of ladies in my life. And it doesn’t matter whether we’ve met or not…because when one swaps real heartaches and stories and you get to know one another, then isn’t that about as real as you can get?

Ma’ Bell used to say, “Long distance – it’s the next best thing to being there.”

I was turning back towards the dark side with dark thoughts…the inspiration was gone…the well had suddenly run dry…the voice now eerily silenced…

I could not be what I wanted to be here with all that is going on, so I thought it better to stay clear of here, until I could once again regain my perspective. I wrote my own posts and replied to others, but chose to hit the delete key in each case….I just did not like the way it sounded. I could tell the hurt and pain I’m experiencing right now was bleeding over and I could not let that happen.

It was a combination of things really. The news of my 2 new spots on new lung and liver didn’t have time to really sink in, before my dad’s health began to fail him…the last 6-weeks we have been bouncing back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals. So, it has taken all of my available time tending to that.

It’s much more than a physical task however; there is a raging sea of emotions that are churning inside me…many conflicting emotions as I look at the man, who is my dad and also as the man who I suffered under for 50 years with mental and verbal abuse. A man who expected everything out of me – but put nothing in me.

A man, whose last marriage ended up breaking up our family and sending my sister to another town, where she was subsequently murdered at 18. A man, who told me that this wife “was the most important thing to ever happen to him in his life.”

And then she left him 8-years ago when I got cancer and he had a stroke…just got on her broomstick and got the hell out of Dodge.

I stare back at a fallible man with some degree of bitterness and resentment, as I’m now the “Last of the Mohicans” left now to clean up all of this mess. My dad has not made it easy for me - even in his last days.

You see, mine is a duty out of responsibility, not out of love. For in order to love, one has to receive love…and I never got love….just the sting of the lash, or the even harder stinging of words meant to beat me down and destroy my spirit. If I was lucky, I just got silence.

So, when I look around this room, I see families who 'love' one another - really love one another, hell, you actually 'like' each other. And I long for that which I never had - I long for that, which I will never taste...

If you really knew me, you would ask how your Sundance manages to stay upbeat and mostly positive with all that his life has been. Through abuse, sibling's murder, tornadoes, and three cancers....I keep smilin' and trying to help...hoping that one day, I will finally get mine.

So, when the end does come and my dad passes, there will be no tears. If any tears are accidentally shed, they will be for the memories of "What COULD have been"...and "What SHOULD have been."

I could tell you a couple of stories, but I’ve said too much already…

I will tell you this one. The other day, we went to the hospital. I had to sit downstairs for a few minutes just to get nerve enough to go up there….the day before he pretended like he didn’t know me…would not look at me…would not talk to me…

Found out, it was because I did not say “bye” the night before….he had gone to sleep, so I just went on home...of course on that day, he made sure to embarrass me in front of his friends….an old trick. Made me look like an **** – and after me and Kim had both taken a ½ day off from work to go and clean out his room at the nursing home.

It actually gets worse, but I gotta' stop somewhere.

So, my heart was hurting like I was having a stroke or heart attack…very heavy…hard to breathe etc. etc. And then Kim, sensing the tension and the dread, walked up to me and put her around mine:)

WTF!

I about passed out – I haven’t had a touch in such a long time, I had forgotten what it felt like. But, she was actually ‘tender’ to me for those few moments and was really trying to console me…you see, she knows all that has happened….her and my dad don’t get along…and for a lot of obvious reasons.

So, along with my own health concern and now my dad’s failing health, the news of Lisa’s impending passing and I just sorta went numb. I guess I can only take so much of anything. And I’m so tired of watching my friends die right in front of me.

Yesterday, I went down with a big ol’ round of vertigo…that stuff cripples the mind and makes you fearful that the next breath will rock your world…that’s what happened…I responded to a pm here and right after that, Whammo! See you tomorrow.

I hate living like this….I hate living in fear of when my 4th recurrence is coming…I hate living with the fear that my next breath or step is going to leave me dizzy and debilitated. I hate having to fit into the real world when my body is rebelling so. I hate losing all of my friends here that I grew up with to cancer.

I’m tired….so tired….so tired of fighting for every single thing…I had to fight so hard as a child growing up, raising myself….it was the real reality show of Survivor – and that’s why I am a tough nut to crack….believe me, The Best have all taken their shots and lost.

I may not be good – but I am stubborn and ornery – I survive because I’ve always had to.

Big Billy still wants to stop out and visit you…I’ll let him tell you a couple of stories about what’s been happening with the book project.

I’ll tell you that I got my “1st official rejection” email from one of my prospective agents this past Monday. She let me down nicely. I smiled, because at least she herself responded back to me. The others have hit the delete key.

I’ve got a good lead on a new agent though…she is “Passionate” about medical subjects. She likes snail mail, so I put together my book proposal, outline, and the first chapter on good stationary and mailed it out with a wing and a prayer.

I had to enclose a self-addressed envelope so they could mail their reply back to me in 8-9 weeks…what a shame to have to ‘pay’ to receive a rejection, LOL!

In between all of this madness, I’m trying not to forget about ME – my hopes and dreams with this book project Right now, it’s the only thing that is keeping me buoyed in this current stormy chapter of my life.

If things ever pop, I’ve got big plans for Big Billy. Wait till you hear what's on Big Billy’s Bucket List – I’m going to let him tell you all about it. The boy is nothing if not imaginative

But knowing him the way that I do – I “know” he can do what he will tell you he wants to do.

Thanks again, TC…I needed someone to talk to.

Welcome to all the new folks and best wishes to those currently in the fight. Thanks for listening.

-Craig

Buckwirth said:

toxic people
Sounds like your dad is one. As a son, the hardest, but healthiest thing to do is forgive. Our parents are human beings, complicated and messy. As children we worship or fear them, and as adults we often feel betrayed or let down. And then we become parents, and whatever unforgiven damage we suffered we pass to our offspring, often in new and interesting ways (mom stifled me and gave me no love, I am going to be my child's best friend).

When I am dealing with a bully I've found that you can neutralize them by pointing out they are bullying, sort of how Joe McCarthy was brought down (have you no shame).

My family visits here, so I avoid putting down anything that might cause them pain (if you are reading this, know I love you) but like any family we have stories, and I can feel yours.

Last bit: eight years. Yeah it cost you, but it's eight years! Beats the heck out of the alternative. And you wrote a book! Published or not, that is a lifetime achievement in itself. (Have you thought about asking ACS to publish?)

Rambled enough, peace out

Blake

Kathleen808 said:

Craig
Craig,
Your spirit is amazing. You are filled with so much love and you are a man of true courage. Hugs to you. You mean so much to many of us.

Aloha,
Kathleen

Phoebesnow said:

The lion
He certainly can roar. But if it was not for his roar, how could we not prepare for what's coming. I hear your roars, they have never made me feel sad. The silence made me sad, the quiet before the storm makes me worry, the stillness makes me apprehensive.

I agree with you, the truth needs to be told, and you.....somehow you know how, to tell it. I use the delete more than u could ever imagine. The truth it's real. I prefer it!

As to your wife I think of yentl, you ask me, do i love you, and i say for 25' years, I've cooked your meals, for .25 years I've washed your clothes, blah,blah, if that s not love, what is. I know the words are not perfect, but you get the idea.

You never make me sad, be proud of your book, take another look at, make some revisions, try again.

I was born in 1961 also. Our lives are very similar in the sense that I had no parental love or guidance. Even though they were alive. I have had a lot of sickness and many cancers. I remember being a small soul in heaven and god was helping each to chose their lives. When it came my turn he said why that one, it is much too hard, there are others too choose and I said father, I will take it because it is much too difficult for the others. He has offered .me to leave this earth twice in peaceful ways and I declined, because you see there are people,pets and things that I love Here, that I won't have there. Once I get there as wonderful as it is, it is forever. You chose your life Craig because you could live it, and you could live it well, even with all the adversaries.

I pray for best for you in your fight. You have already won because you are a good man

smokeyjoe said:

Craig, I don't have much to
Craig, I don't have much to add, so many on here have expressed exactly what I was feeling when I read your post (and I might add they put their thoughts down in writing far better than I could do, putting words to paper certainly isn't my strong point). Go ahead express what you are feeling good and bad, at some point we all have baggage brought on by other family members and it's nice to know we're not alone with that. Keep on keepin on. I always enjoy reading your posts. Thinking of you.