Anybody heard from Sundance?

24

Comments

  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    All Points Bulletin - Suspect "On the Run" Has Been Apprehended
    "10-4, the cover is code 3...we've got him detained and in custody, over."

    LOL!

    Thank you, TC, for this post. I appreciate your concern…but my big question to you is, “Did you miss me?” Wait a minute – don’t answer that one – the truth might sting a little too much and you know how sensitive I am, right? :)

    I want to take a minute and thank my “honey-pies” for reaching out to me, at a time in my life when I really needed someone to talk to. Trust is something we earn along the way if we’re very fortunate…the opening of one’s heart and sharing it with other folks, is perhaps the greatest reward that one can give to another. It’s not always easy to trust.

    And so, I trusted…and opened my heart to them…to my surprise, my gals did not run for the hills – instead, they comforted and nurtured – something I’ve been sorely lacking for a long time.

    It’s those kinds of experiences that form the bonds of strong feelings that equate to real friendship. I am blessed to have these kinds of ladies in my life. And it doesn’t matter whether we’ve met or not…because when one swaps real heartaches and stories and you get to know one another, then isn’t that about as real as you can get?

    Ma’ Bell used to say, “Long distance – it’s the next best thing to being there.”

    I was turning back towards the dark side with dark thoughts…the inspiration was gone…the well had suddenly run dry…the voice now eerily silenced…

    I could not be what I wanted to be here with all that is going on, so I thought it better to stay clear of here, until I could once again regain my perspective. I wrote my own posts and replied to others, but chose to hit the delete key in each case….I just did not like the way it sounded. I could tell the hurt and pain I’m experiencing right now was bleeding over and I could not let that happen.

    It was a combination of things really. The news of my 2 new spots on new lung and liver didn’t have time to really sink in, before my dad’s health began to fail him…the last 6-weeks we have been bouncing back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals. So, it has taken all of my available time tending to that.

    It’s much more than a physical task however; there is a raging sea of emotions that are churning inside me…many conflicting emotions as I look at the man, who is my dad and also as the man who I suffered under for 50 years with mental and verbal abuse. A man who expected everything out of me – but put nothing in me.

    A man, whose last marriage ended up breaking up our family and sending my sister to another town, where she was subsequently murdered at 18. A man, who told me that this wife “was the most important thing to ever happen to him in his life.”

    And then she left him 8-years ago when I got cancer and he had a stroke…just got on her broomstick and got the hell out of Dodge.

    I stare back at a fallible man with some degree of bitterness and resentment, as I’m now the “Last of the Mohicans” left now to clean up all of this mess. My dad has not made it easy for me - even in his last days.

    You see, mine is a duty out of responsibility, not out of love. For in order to love, one has to receive love…and I never got love….just the sting of the lash, or the even harder stinging of words meant to beat me down and destroy my spirit. If I was lucky, I just got silence.

    So, when I look around this room, I see families who 'love' one another - really love one another, hell, you actually 'like' each other. And I long for that which I never had - I long for that, which I will never taste...

    If you really knew me, you would ask how your Sundance manages to stay upbeat and mostly positive with all that his life has been. Through abuse, sibling's murder, tornadoes, and three cancers....I keep smilin' and trying to help...hoping that one day, I will finally get mine.

    So, when the end does come and my dad passes, there will be no tears. If any tears are accidentally shed, they will be for the memories of "What COULD have been"...and "What SHOULD have been."

    I could tell you a couple of stories, but I’ve said too much already…

    I will tell you this one. The other day, we went to the hospital. I had to sit downstairs for a few minutes just to get nerve enough to go up there….the day before he pretended like he didn’t know me…would not look at me…would not talk to me…

    Found out, it was because I did not say “bye” the night before….he had gone to sleep, so I just went on home...of course on that day, he made sure to embarrass me in front of his friends….an old trick. Made me look like an **** – and after me and Kim had both taken a ½ day off from work to go and clean out his room at the nursing home.

    It actually gets worse, but I gotta' stop somewhere.

    So, my heart was hurting like I was having a stroke or heart attack…very heavy…hard to breathe etc. etc. And then Kim, sensing the tension and the dread, walked up to me and put her around mine:)

    WTF!

    I about passed out – I haven’t had a touch in such a long time, I had forgotten what it felt like. But, she was actually ‘tender’ to me for those few moments and was really trying to console me…you see, she knows all that has happened….her and my dad don’t get along…and for a lot of obvious reasons.

    So, along with my own health concern and now my dad’s failing health, the news of Lisa’s impending passing and I just sorta went numb. I guess I can only take so much of anything. And I’m so tired of watching my friends die right in front of me.

    Yesterday, I went down with a big ol’ round of vertigo…that stuff cripples the mind and makes you fearful that the next breath will rock your world…that’s what happened…I responded to a pm here and right after that, Whammo! See you tomorrow.

    I hate living like this….I hate living in fear of when my 4th recurrence is coming…I hate living with the fear that my next breath or step is going to leave me dizzy and debilitated. I hate having to fit into the real world when my body is rebelling so. I hate losing all of my friends here that I grew up with to cancer.

    I’m tired….so tired….so tired of fighting for every single thing…I had to fight so hard as a child growing up, raising myself….it was the real reality show of Survivor – and that’s why I am a tough nut to crack….believe me, The Best have all taken their shots and lost.

    I may not be good – but I am stubborn and ornery – I survive because I’ve always had to.

    Big Billy still wants to stop out and visit you…I’ll let him tell you a couple of stories about what’s been happening with the book project.

    I’ll tell you that I got my “1st official rejection” email from one of my prospective agents this past Monday. She let me down nicely. I smiled, because at least she herself responded back to me. The others have hit the delete key.

    I’ve got a good lead on a new agent though…she is “Passionate” about medical subjects. She likes snail mail, so I put together my book proposal, outline, and the first chapter on good stationary and mailed it out with a wing and a prayer.

    I had to enclose a self-addressed envelope so they could mail their reply back to me in 8-9 weeks…what a shame to have to ‘pay’ to receive a rejection, LOL!

    In between all of this madness, I’m trying not to forget about ME – my hopes and dreams with this book project Right now, it’s the only thing that is keeping me buoyed in this current stormy chapter of my life.

    If things ever pop, I’ve got big plans for Big Billy. Wait till you hear what's on Big Billy’s Bucket List – I’m going to let him tell you all about it. The boy is nothing if not imaginative :)

    But knowing him the way that I do – I “know” he can do what he will tell you he wants to do.

    Thanks again, TC…I needed someone to talk to.

    Welcome to all the new folks and best wishes to those currently in the fight. Thanks for listening.

    -Craig

    My heart goes out to you. I
    My heart goes out to you. I have had a loving family and wife so I can't begin to imagine what you have experienced. It seams like cancer is the least of it. Your words always mean a lot to me and I was missing your posts for the past couple of weeks. Your continued survival is an inspiration to me.

    Jeff
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    buckeye2 said:

    It's good to have you back
    It's good to have you back even if it means your posts may not be so positive for awhile. There is nothing worse than insincere positivity which most of us are faced with on a daily basis as those who care about us are constantly bombarding us with positive message that do more for them saying it than us hearing it. Lisa

    Sundance is Like a Box of Chocolates.....
    .....you never know whatcha' gonna' get:)

    LOL!

    And isn't that the beauty of this relationship, Lisa? For you see, what you see is what you got...I can BS and "Huck and Shuck" with the best of 'em, but truthfully, just ask anyone on the board who has met me...they will tell you the same...I'm actually a little bit crazier and a little bit funnier:)

    But underneath it all, I am REAL. And as such, I'm subject to all of the maladies that confront us on a daily basis. I might be high - I might be low. I might be Craig - or it could be Big Billy - or The Lion - or Santa Craig - or Melissa's Rock.

    Just go ahead and pick one - you can't go wrong either way! LOL!

    I'm whatever I need to be to you - at a time that you need me to be that. But through it all, you've got a friend if you're talking with me...remember not too long ago, I read you talking to a person about "spilling our hearts out to total strangers?"....

    ...Oh, but I do remember.....I told you that we 'weren't strangers anymore.' And we're not. I'm rubbing off on you too - and I can see subtle changes in you...your sentences are getting longer and you're being more open about yourself....how absolutely delightful:)

    If I can convert you, I've done something, LOL! TC is my next project, LOL!

    My posts are varied, so don't think they will all be negative...when I can swing in Big Billy will be "In the House" with a couple of good stories....you don't want to miss that....knowing you the way that I have come to, I can assure you that Big Billy is just you're kind of guy....he wants to get a new picture taken to show you....and if you look very close, when you see Big Billy - you'll see me:)

    I agree completely about "insincere positivity" - better to say nothing at all. These people come across so transparent you can see right through them.

    Here on the board, you may have noticed that I like to "Keep it Real." There's a time for shining sunshine up somebody's tailpipe, but there's a time to be real and talk truth. This board can't always be "The Happy Slappy Hour."

    We must drag the tough topics out of the shadows and into the light - that's how we all grow - and that's how we all learn. As long as I have breath in this body, I'll continue to shine the light into the darkness as I try and make sense out of what I am seeing and what I want to talk to you about.

    One thing is for sure - it will never be boring with me:)

    I may not be the easiest thing to love, BUT none of my honey-pies has ever "Asked Me for a Refund."

    LOL! LOL! LOL!

    -Craig
  • ron50
    ron50 Member Posts: 1,723 Member
    G'day Craig
    Perhaps the next book should be "the art of surviving survival". It sure isn't easy. Any advice we give is a bit like advertising,,,,who knows if it works or not? There is no way to alter the past so on we go each moment gathering more baggage. There should be a way to emotionally spring clean,wouldn't that be grand. Just sweep away those unwanted memories and emotions and never have to open a door in our minds and have to confront them again. Hugs Craig and the strenghtto keep on going,Ron.
  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,742 Member
    Sorry
    So sorry you are going through all that you are. You are such a great contributor on the board and consider you a true friend even though we have never met. Your heart is as big as the sun and it shows through your writings. I've not been on much so I'm not keeping up with what is going on in the daily posts for awhile, but just wanted to let you know that you are being thought of always.

    Hugs! Kim
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    eibod said:

    Craig, it breaks my heart
    Craig, it breaks my heart to hear all that you have been going through. You are truly a magical man, having a way with words and caring that not too many people have. I know
    sometimes (many times) the spirit just gets plain tired of fighting. Than it is natural to lay low and try to just recover for a while, before the fight continues again. But it sounds like you are a survivor for real. I truly hope that life gets better for you, you have certainly made it better for others. Take care, Brenda

    Brenda:)
    May I just say how wonderful it is to see you? Ok, it's just wonderful to see you back again. Here I was a few months ago trying to help you - and now, it's you trying to comfort me. It doesn't get much better than that, does it?

    What strikes me the most is that with all that you've been through and you still have the kindness and compassion to reach out to me in a time of real need - a time when I really need to have my friends rally around me.

    To me, this speaks volumes about your character - but then again, that was never in doubt as myself and the others watched your struggle and how you handled your situation with aplomb.

    Oh, how my heart ached for you! Such a helplessness on my part and all I could do was try and toss a few words your way and hoped that would placate you for the evening. You exemplify what a caregiver really is all about.

    I appreciate your kind words and want to thank you again for opening your heart and reaching out to me today. It's funny that as much as we hurt, there is some comfort in reaching across the room and tapping one of us on the shoulder, isn't it?

    Keeping you in thought...

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    TO THE FIGHTER
    Hi Craig~

    I loved your post. In fact, it was so real and moving that it made me want to come back this morning and followup on your thread.

    In this new journey that I have been on ~ I try to say the right things, do the right things, be the right things, eat the right things, drink the right things, read the right things and so on and on and it does get tiring and overwhelming. You know...how are you doing, feeling, what's up? I appreciate it but sometimes I want to close the door and shut the world out. My mother is in her final stages of COPD and has made it to 85 years...she is in a nursing home as well. I see her as a little girl now rather than my mom...maybe the vulnerability in our parents and the mistakes of our parents make us realize what an impact they have had on our lives...good, bad or indifferent. For me, it makes me question my placement here on earth. I am a very religious person and believe God has a plan in this journey for me ~ but I don't know what it is yet...I must be patient and wait~

    I believe your journey is writing to people...honestly and from your heart... writing to people and saying what some of us would not dare to say out loud because it may be "socially wrong". I applaude your conviction to be who you are, say what you say, believe what you believe and most of I all I applaude your willingness to help others (like myself) who are in the beginning of this journey. Keep the fight going if not for yourself but for all of us who are following in your footsteps!

    Best of luck on the book and God's blessings to you from Minnesota:)

    Wow, Minnie....Just Wow!
    First off, nice to meet you. I must tell you that is some pretty insightful stuff that you've written. I just may be out of a job if you keep this up:) LOL!

    You've made some excellent points!

    This type of post could be construed as "socially wrong." I risked much from writing it, especially for those folks that don't know me. Your response validates that the risk was worth taking. In the past, I've been known for writing on some tough topics - ones that might not be popular, per say.

    Many was the time when I had my finger poised on the Delete key, but decided to post it. Of course, it is a tremendous risk. Alot of the board is centered around "Total Positivity." But, that's not real life, is it?

    And it's not real here either.

    Without fail, when I've posted those type of topics, the PMs and open posting has been overwhelming to say the least - overwhelmingly positive. Because, I think people are looking for someone to step forward and take the hit....I've never shyed away from this responsibility.

    And I usually find that after I've opened the door and let everyone know "it's cool" to talk about this, the GENUINE responses that come forth are the reason I get up and come here as often as I can. I like REAL. I like TRUTH.

    I believe we all benefit from the discussion.

    So, thank you so much for "recognizing" what my journey is all about - writing to folks. And writing in open, honest, and heartfelt terms. I don't know any other way...and I don't want to know another way....this is who I am...and if I change this, then I lose myself.

    The other point I found very worthwhile was the part above about "saying and doing all the right things." And you're absolutely right! It does get tiring!

    I think we get hung up here on the board about that alot. We feel that the sun must always be shining. Any post other than that comes across negatively. It's understandable, because we don't want to kill another person's hope.

    But, there is a big difference between HOPE and FALSE HOPE.

    Sometimes, maybe we're not doing so much of a kindness to one another by pretending the issue will just go away and it's "doable." Sometimes, there needs to be tough love. And it's hard but necessary at times. I didn't get nearly 8-years into this fight and not have my attitudes and perspectives changed somewhat.

    That's personal growth.

    While I'm at the extreme end of the journey, I feel it is important to talk to folks from the "road miles" I've accumulated....just might help someone. How I wish I'd had a mentor during the first 5-years of my journey where I went through all of this alone - with nobody as a sounding board.

    In my life, I've always found that it's never the message itself - but the tone with which it was delivered.

    Minnie, I wanted to add this from you:

    "maybe the vulnerability in our parents and the mistakes of our parents make us realize what an impact they have had on our lives...good, bad or indifferent"

    From Craig: That was simply brilliant!

    I can tell it's going to be great fun getting to know you:)

    Thank you for a wonderful post and thank you for sharing your heart with me today. Wasn't it great?

    -Craig
  • janie1
    janie1 Member Posts: 753 Member

    Sorry
    So sorry you are going through all that you are. You are such a great contributor on the board and consider you a true friend even though we have never met. Your heart is as big as the sun and it shows through your writings. I've not been on much so I'm not keeping up with what is going on in the daily posts for awhile, but just wanted to let you know that you are being thought of always.

    Hugs! Kim

    sorry
    Craig, I hope you'll be able to say every day, "all really is well"....soon.
    -J
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    Sorry
    So sorry you are going through all that you are. You are such a great contributor on the board and consider you a true friend even though we have never met. Your heart is as big as the sun and it shows through your writings. I've not been on much so I'm not keeping up with what is going on in the daily posts for awhile, but just wanted to let you know that you are being thought of always.

    Hugs! Kim

    Kim:)
    Ahh, there she is:)

    Thanks for stopping out on this post, Kim...know you're breaking for a spell, so I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. Like running headfirst into a cement mixer, right?

    You were one of the very first here to greet me and make me feel welcome, along with Chicky, Lizzy, and Lisa42. You're one of the originals and with many of our classmates from the Class of 2009 that have departed, it is comforting to still know that you are here and doing well. Well, as well as we can be, right? LOL!

    You've always been so kind and thoughtful to me...I still have PMs from wonderful conversations we've shared along the way.

    True friends? You'll get no arguments out of me!

    Looking forward to growing old with you, LOL!

    -Craig
  • northernlites
    northernlites Member Posts: 96
    Sundanceh said:

    Kim:)
    Ahh, there she is:)

    Thanks for stopping out on this post, Kim...know you're breaking for a spell, so I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. Like running headfirst into a cement mixer, right?

    You were one of the very first here to greet me and make me feel welcome, along with Chicky, Lizzy, and Lisa42. You're one of the originals and with many of our classmates from the Class of 2009 that have departed, it is comforting to still know that you are here and doing well. Well, as well as we can be, right? LOL!

    You've always been so kind and thoughtful to me...I still have PMs from wonderful conversations we've shared along the way.

    True friends? You'll get no arguments out of me!

    Looking forward to growing old with you, LOL!

    -Craig

    I'm glad your back! I missed
    I'm glad your back! I missed you

    Tessa
  • Fight for my love
    Fight for my love Member Posts: 1,522 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    All Points Bulletin - Suspect "On the Run" Has Been Apprehended
    "10-4, the cover is code 3...we've got him detained and in custody, over."

    LOL!

    Thank you, TC, for this post. I appreciate your concern…but my big question to you is, “Did you miss me?” Wait a minute – don’t answer that one – the truth might sting a little too much and you know how sensitive I am, right? :)

    I want to take a minute and thank my “honey-pies” for reaching out to me, at a time in my life when I really needed someone to talk to. Trust is something we earn along the way if we’re very fortunate…the opening of one’s heart and sharing it with other folks, is perhaps the greatest reward that one can give to another. It’s not always easy to trust.

    And so, I trusted…and opened my heart to them…to my surprise, my gals did not run for the hills – instead, they comforted and nurtured – something I’ve been sorely lacking for a long time.

    It’s those kinds of experiences that form the bonds of strong feelings that equate to real friendship. I am blessed to have these kinds of ladies in my life. And it doesn’t matter whether we’ve met or not…because when one swaps real heartaches and stories and you get to know one another, then isn’t that about as real as you can get?

    Ma’ Bell used to say, “Long distance – it’s the next best thing to being there.”

    I was turning back towards the dark side with dark thoughts…the inspiration was gone…the well had suddenly run dry…the voice now eerily silenced…

    I could not be what I wanted to be here with all that is going on, so I thought it better to stay clear of here, until I could once again regain my perspective. I wrote my own posts and replied to others, but chose to hit the delete key in each case….I just did not like the way it sounded. I could tell the hurt and pain I’m experiencing right now was bleeding over and I could not let that happen.

    It was a combination of things really. The news of my 2 new spots on new lung and liver didn’t have time to really sink in, before my dad’s health began to fail him…the last 6-weeks we have been bouncing back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals. So, it has taken all of my available time tending to that.

    It’s much more than a physical task however; there is a raging sea of emotions that are churning inside me…many conflicting emotions as I look at the man, who is my dad and also as the man who I suffered under for 50 years with mental and verbal abuse. A man who expected everything out of me – but put nothing in me.

    A man, whose last marriage ended up breaking up our family and sending my sister to another town, where she was subsequently murdered at 18. A man, who told me that this wife “was the most important thing to ever happen to him in his life.”

    And then she left him 8-years ago when I got cancer and he had a stroke…just got on her broomstick and got the hell out of Dodge.

    I stare back at a fallible man with some degree of bitterness and resentment, as I’m now the “Last of the Mohicans” left now to clean up all of this mess. My dad has not made it easy for me - even in his last days.

    You see, mine is a duty out of responsibility, not out of love. For in order to love, one has to receive love…and I never got love….just the sting of the lash, or the even harder stinging of words meant to beat me down and destroy my spirit. If I was lucky, I just got silence.

    So, when I look around this room, I see families who 'love' one another - really love one another, hell, you actually 'like' each other. And I long for that which I never had - I long for that, which I will never taste...

    If you really knew me, you would ask how your Sundance manages to stay upbeat and mostly positive with all that his life has been. Through abuse, sibling's murder, tornadoes, and three cancers....I keep smilin' and trying to help...hoping that one day, I will finally get mine.

    So, when the end does come and my dad passes, there will be no tears. If any tears are accidentally shed, they will be for the memories of "What COULD have been"...and "What SHOULD have been."

    I could tell you a couple of stories, but I’ve said too much already…

    I will tell you this one. The other day, we went to the hospital. I had to sit downstairs for a few minutes just to get nerve enough to go up there….the day before he pretended like he didn’t know me…would not look at me…would not talk to me…

    Found out, it was because I did not say “bye” the night before….he had gone to sleep, so I just went on home...of course on that day, he made sure to embarrass me in front of his friends….an old trick. Made me look like an **** – and after me and Kim had both taken a ½ day off from work to go and clean out his room at the nursing home.

    It actually gets worse, but I gotta' stop somewhere.

    So, my heart was hurting like I was having a stroke or heart attack…very heavy…hard to breathe etc. etc. And then Kim, sensing the tension and the dread, walked up to me and put her around mine:)

    WTF!

    I about passed out – I haven’t had a touch in such a long time, I had forgotten what it felt like. But, she was actually ‘tender’ to me for those few moments and was really trying to console me…you see, she knows all that has happened….her and my dad don’t get along…and for a lot of obvious reasons.

    So, along with my own health concern and now my dad’s failing health, the news of Lisa’s impending passing and I just sorta went numb. I guess I can only take so much of anything. And I’m so tired of watching my friends die right in front of me.

    Yesterday, I went down with a big ol’ round of vertigo…that stuff cripples the mind and makes you fearful that the next breath will rock your world…that’s what happened…I responded to a pm here and right after that, Whammo! See you tomorrow.

    I hate living like this….I hate living in fear of when my 4th recurrence is coming…I hate living with the fear that my next breath or step is going to leave me dizzy and debilitated. I hate having to fit into the real world when my body is rebelling so. I hate losing all of my friends here that I grew up with to cancer.

    I’m tired….so tired….so tired of fighting for every single thing…I had to fight so hard as a child growing up, raising myself….it was the real reality show of Survivor – and that’s why I am a tough nut to crack….believe me, The Best have all taken their shots and lost.

    I may not be good – but I am stubborn and ornery – I survive because I’ve always had to.

    Big Billy still wants to stop out and visit you…I’ll let him tell you a couple of stories about what’s been happening with the book project.

    I’ll tell you that I got my “1st official rejection” email from one of my prospective agents this past Monday. She let me down nicely. I smiled, because at least she herself responded back to me. The others have hit the delete key.

    I’ve got a good lead on a new agent though…she is “Passionate” about medical subjects. She likes snail mail, so I put together my book proposal, outline, and the first chapter on good stationary and mailed it out with a wing and a prayer.

    I had to enclose a self-addressed envelope so they could mail their reply back to me in 8-9 weeks…what a shame to have to ‘pay’ to receive a rejection, LOL!

    In between all of this madness, I’m trying not to forget about ME – my hopes and dreams with this book project Right now, it’s the only thing that is keeping me buoyed in this current stormy chapter of my life.

    If things ever pop, I’ve got big plans for Big Billy. Wait till you hear what's on Big Billy’s Bucket List – I’m going to let him tell you all about it. The boy is nothing if not imaginative :)

    But knowing him the way that I do – I “know” he can do what he will tell you he wants to do.

    Thanks again, TC…I needed someone to talk to.

    Welcome to all the new folks and best wishes to those currently in the fight. Thanks for listening.

    -Craig

    Oh,this lion has had
    Oh,this lion has had enough,although you are a lion.I feel the same as you do-each member's passing hit me very hard.I am having a very hard time on coping with it.Your dad's issue is just like my husband's mother's.My goodness,the sad stories are always so similar.Before all these happened,I couldn't belive there are people in this world have a very different "explanation" about family.
    I worry about the new spots you found.I hope they will be either nothing or something minor,doctors can take care of it.I know it's os easy to say,but I really don't know what else to say.:-(
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    Jaylo969 said:

    Dear Craig
    Dear friend {{{ HUGGS!!!}}}

    I have been semi AWOL myself recently. I'll try to do better though, because I really wanna' be here to hear Big Billy's stories.I just feel like I haven't much to offer and I am so weak when it comes to losing friends. When Roger and Kerry passed away it did me in.

    You take care and know that you have a wealth of friends.

    Love,
    Pat

    Pat:)
    Hi, honey:)

    Nice to see you...you may have lost Roger and Kerry, but you still got me:)

    I guess I'll just have to do, LOL!

    You'll like the "Double B" - he's one of us after all.

    I remember when you had to take care of your parent's estates and health...and now it's my turn. So good seeing you again, even when we're apart - we're near:)

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    MrsJP said:

    tears..
    I'm so sorry for all you have been threw, are going threw. Life can be so damn hard.

    I've been asking myself: What's the purpose? Why are we here? I have not found that answer. Along my path, no matter how bad I have had it, there has always been someone who has had it harder..

    I wish I could give you comfort. You have been so kind and caring. I am sending a simple hug and prayer: May he grant you peace and comfort. amen
    jp

    Mrs. J
    "Hugs and Prayers" accepted here everyday:)

    Your response is all the comfort I need....I just need a little 'now and then' from you guys to keep me moving forward.

    Thanks so much for being here.

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    pepebcn said:

    Heart breaking story my friend!
    Here you got a college for anything you may need just let me know even if you need a call just say it and will be pleased to call you.
    Good luck great man!

    Mr. Pep
    You know that 'International' charges are right off the charts BUT just the offer of such is very kind of you. As always, I appreciate your support and for taking the time to read my posts. You're a good guy.

    Thanks a bunch!

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    lauragb said:

    You are one resilient dude.
    You are one resilient dude. Your post saddened me but I'm glad you felt you could put it out here. One never knows what others have gone through and are going through. I am sending you a cyber hug although I know it's not the same as feeling a real touch.

    Keep your hopes and dreams.

    Laura

    Laura:)
    Cyber Hug rec'd!!!

    Ma' Bell did have it right - "It is the next best thing to being there."

    Thank you so much for your post.

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    Oh,this lion has had
    Oh,this lion has had enough,although you are a lion.I feel the same as you do-each member's passing hit me very hard.I am having a very hard time on coping with it.Your dad's issue is just like my husband's mother's.My goodness,the sad stories are always so similar.Before all these happened,I couldn't belive there are people in this world have a very different "explanation" about family.
    I worry about the new spots you found.I hope they will be either nothing or something minor,doctors can take care of it.I know it's os easy to say,but I really don't know what else to say.:-(

    Hi FFML:)
    And I think that's the beauty about talking about stuff...because when we reveal, we do more than expose our inner souls, we touch another person who may be going through that, and more importantly, we find out that the problem is much bigger than we could have imagined.

    But, if we keep things "closeted" then how do we learn from one another?

    Most people see this as some type of failure or that it should be kept under wraps...the truth there, is that these same folks probably having things they don't want to reveal, because it thinks it makes them look fallible or weak.

    But what do we really see?

    We see the "Common Chords of Humanity" that run through our veins and we all are subject to the pains and hurts in this life.

    I think that by coming forth, we do more good than internalizing it....I stuffed it down for 50 years with everything under the sun - but you never really bury it, do you?

    No.

    It will surface as everything must rise to the top - these events have brought all of the harsh reality, thoughts and feelings back into full focus. I can no longer run and hide and pretend all is well - now, I must turn and face it and do the best I can and keep my dignity about me - and be able to go home and put my head down on the pillow each night with no regrets.

    In this way, I will be able to live with myself.

    Very sweet of you to write me - I miss you, of course. You've always been so kind and supportive - and you were a tremendous cheerleader for the board when you're hubby was sick.

    You take care and don't worry about me - my feet will always be tappin'.

    -Craig the Lion
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    ron50 said:

    G'day Craig
    Perhaps the next book should be "the art of surviving survival". It sure isn't easy. Any advice we give is a bit like advertising,,,,who knows if it works or not? There is no way to alter the past so on we go each moment gathering more baggage. There should be a way to emotionally spring clean,wouldn't that be grand. Just sweep away those unwanted memories and emotions and never have to open a door in our minds and have to confront them again. Hugs Craig and the strenghtto keep on going,Ron.

    G'day Ron:)
    The next book? We don't want to clutter up the shelves with any more of my rubbish than we have to, right? LOL!

    That would just be 2 books that would never get published:)

    I must say that I'm glad you are still here with us. I want you to promise me that you will stay. I think it's important that you're here, but even more than that I want you here. I want to be able to talk to you - I want to be able to hear what you have to say.

    I want to hear Ron's perspective about how he's kicked **** and is 14-years of cancer. I want my kindred brother here, so that as my body deteriorates and I suffer from the after effects of treatment or more treatment, that I will have a guy like you that GETS IT!

    As I'm sure I have with you, YOU have grown me over the years. I always saw something in you in the beginning....your story does sadden me at times, because I hate to see the body failing us, when we need it so badly.

    But then there you are helping to show me the way - and to be able to understand what I might be facing from hearing your stories.

    That's priceless stuff, buddy.

    I'm a Life Survivor - an F3 Tornado Survivor - and a 3x Cancer Survivor.

    Hey, and I'm only "getting warmed up."

    Take care, Ron...always great to hear from you...you stay with us now, you hear?

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    janie1 said:

    sorry
    Craig, I hope you'll be able to say every day, "all really is well"....soon.
    -J

    Jxxx...
    Look for me in the Walmart parking lot:)

    We'll get caught up!

    LOL!

    Thank you so much!

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    I'm glad your back! I missed
    I'm glad your back! I missed you

    Tessa

    Tessa:)
    I feel your enthusiasm in your post...you say more with one word than I do in ten pages, LOL!

    It's nice being missed - it means that folks like you really do care. And that means so much to me. A good part of my life is centered around the folks on this board, so I've missed all of you too.

    I'm one of the rare ones who will put it out there - but I've never been afraid.

    That old saying, "The truth will set you free..."

    Turns out it is quite liberating after all.

    Thank you for your post!

    -Craig
  • pete43lost_at_sea
    pete43lost_at_sea Member Posts: 3,900 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    All Points Bulletin - Suspect "On the Run" Has Been Apprehended
    "10-4, the cover is code 3...we've got him detained and in custody, over."

    LOL!

    Thank you, TC, for this post. I appreciate your concern…but my big question to you is, “Did you miss me?” Wait a minute – don’t answer that one – the truth might sting a little too much and you know how sensitive I am, right? :)

    I want to take a minute and thank my “honey-pies” for reaching out to me, at a time in my life when I really needed someone to talk to. Trust is something we earn along the way if we’re very fortunate…the opening of one’s heart and sharing it with other folks, is perhaps the greatest reward that one can give to another. It’s not always easy to trust.

    And so, I trusted…and opened my heart to them…to my surprise, my gals did not run for the hills – instead, they comforted and nurtured – something I’ve been sorely lacking for a long time.

    It’s those kinds of experiences that form the bonds of strong feelings that equate to real friendship. I am blessed to have these kinds of ladies in my life. And it doesn’t matter whether we’ve met or not…because when one swaps real heartaches and stories and you get to know one another, then isn’t that about as real as you can get?

    Ma’ Bell used to say, “Long distance – it’s the next best thing to being there.”

    I was turning back towards the dark side with dark thoughts…the inspiration was gone…the well had suddenly run dry…the voice now eerily silenced…

    I could not be what I wanted to be here with all that is going on, so I thought it better to stay clear of here, until I could once again regain my perspective. I wrote my own posts and replied to others, but chose to hit the delete key in each case….I just did not like the way it sounded. I could tell the hurt and pain I’m experiencing right now was bleeding over and I could not let that happen.

    It was a combination of things really. The news of my 2 new spots on new lung and liver didn’t have time to really sink in, before my dad’s health began to fail him…the last 6-weeks we have been bouncing back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals. So, it has taken all of my available time tending to that.

    It’s much more than a physical task however; there is a raging sea of emotions that are churning inside me…many conflicting emotions as I look at the man, who is my dad and also as the man who I suffered under for 50 years with mental and verbal abuse. A man who expected everything out of me – but put nothing in me.

    A man, whose last marriage ended up breaking up our family and sending my sister to another town, where she was subsequently murdered at 18. A man, who told me that this wife “was the most important thing to ever happen to him in his life.”

    And then she left him 8-years ago when I got cancer and he had a stroke…just got on her broomstick and got the hell out of Dodge.

    I stare back at a fallible man with some degree of bitterness and resentment, as I’m now the “Last of the Mohicans” left now to clean up all of this mess. My dad has not made it easy for me - even in his last days.

    You see, mine is a duty out of responsibility, not out of love. For in order to love, one has to receive love…and I never got love….just the sting of the lash, or the even harder stinging of words meant to beat me down and destroy my spirit. If I was lucky, I just got silence.

    So, when I look around this room, I see families who 'love' one another - really love one another, hell, you actually 'like' each other. And I long for that which I never had - I long for that, which I will never taste...

    If you really knew me, you would ask how your Sundance manages to stay upbeat and mostly positive with all that his life has been. Through abuse, sibling's murder, tornadoes, and three cancers....I keep smilin' and trying to help...hoping that one day, I will finally get mine.

    So, when the end does come and my dad passes, there will be no tears. If any tears are accidentally shed, they will be for the memories of "What COULD have been"...and "What SHOULD have been."

    I could tell you a couple of stories, but I’ve said too much already…

    I will tell you this one. The other day, we went to the hospital. I had to sit downstairs for a few minutes just to get nerve enough to go up there….the day before he pretended like he didn’t know me…would not look at me…would not talk to me…

    Found out, it was because I did not say “bye” the night before….he had gone to sleep, so I just went on home...of course on that day, he made sure to embarrass me in front of his friends….an old trick. Made me look like an **** – and after me and Kim had both taken a ½ day off from work to go and clean out his room at the nursing home.

    It actually gets worse, but I gotta' stop somewhere.

    So, my heart was hurting like I was having a stroke or heart attack…very heavy…hard to breathe etc. etc. And then Kim, sensing the tension and the dread, walked up to me and put her around mine:)

    WTF!

    I about passed out – I haven’t had a touch in such a long time, I had forgotten what it felt like. But, she was actually ‘tender’ to me for those few moments and was really trying to console me…you see, she knows all that has happened….her and my dad don’t get along…and for a lot of obvious reasons.

    So, along with my own health concern and now my dad’s failing health, the news of Lisa’s impending passing and I just sorta went numb. I guess I can only take so much of anything. And I’m so tired of watching my friends die right in front of me.

    Yesterday, I went down with a big ol’ round of vertigo…that stuff cripples the mind and makes you fearful that the next breath will rock your world…that’s what happened…I responded to a pm here and right after that, Whammo! See you tomorrow.

    I hate living like this….I hate living in fear of when my 4th recurrence is coming…I hate living with the fear that my next breath or step is going to leave me dizzy and debilitated. I hate having to fit into the real world when my body is rebelling so. I hate losing all of my friends here that I grew up with to cancer.

    I’m tired….so tired….so tired of fighting for every single thing…I had to fight so hard as a child growing up, raising myself….it was the real reality show of Survivor – and that’s why I am a tough nut to crack….believe me, The Best have all taken their shots and lost.

    I may not be good – but I am stubborn and ornery – I survive because I’ve always had to.

    Big Billy still wants to stop out and visit you…I’ll let him tell you a couple of stories about what’s been happening with the book project.

    I’ll tell you that I got my “1st official rejection” email from one of my prospective agents this past Monday. She let me down nicely. I smiled, because at least she herself responded back to me. The others have hit the delete key.

    I’ve got a good lead on a new agent though…she is “Passionate” about medical subjects. She likes snail mail, so I put together my book proposal, outline, and the first chapter on good stationary and mailed it out with a wing and a prayer.

    I had to enclose a self-addressed envelope so they could mail their reply back to me in 8-9 weeks…what a shame to have to ‘pay’ to receive a rejection, LOL!

    In between all of this madness, I’m trying not to forget about ME – my hopes and dreams with this book project Right now, it’s the only thing that is keeping me buoyed in this current stormy chapter of my life.

    If things ever pop, I’ve got big plans for Big Billy. Wait till you hear what's on Big Billy’s Bucket List – I’m going to let him tell you all about it. The boy is nothing if not imaginative :)

    But knowing him the way that I do – I “know” he can do what he will tell you he wants to do.

    Thanks again, TC…I needed someone to talk to.

    Welcome to all the new folks and best wishes to those currently in the fight. Thanks for listening.

    -Craig

    sorry to hear about the spots and your dad
    the challengers of life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    your story is real and tragic but positive to me.

    you are caring for your dad and dealing with your recurrence at the same time.
    you are caring which is undeserved by the sounds of it, but that makes the care that much more special. doing the honourable thing, which to me you are, shows when of our best traits as humans. thanks for sharing.

    its hard, but in all the stress of your dad and recurrence i hope you can find some piece and release. and i know our lisa's passing has effect us in different ways.

    just breathe and grieve mate.

    hugs,
    pete
  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
    Hey Craig:
    Just catching up on posts. Yikes your plate sure is full. Your Dad, well you just can't change the past and the way he is. You are a strong man, a compasionate man, a loving and caring man, just remember that. Yes, you will do the responsible thing regarding your Dad, thats the kind of man you are.

    If I read you post right, you are dealing with a possible recurrence in the lung and liver. That totally sucks but I know you will face it with the same killer fight you have in the past.

    Please give Kim my best and remember that no matter what, she has stayed by your side through this entire journey, the good, the bad and the ugly, and she is still there.

    Hugs - Tina