loss of spouse support

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Comments

  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    So very sorry
    Hi, Chuck.

    I'm so sorry this has all happened to you. First the cancer, and now this.

    Congratulations to you on doing so well physically. Praying that continues always.

    I'm also very sorry about your wife's decision. That is such a hurtful thing, I'm sure. Praying she will realize the error in this, and the two of you will find a way to rebuild your relationship and your family.

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member

    Thanks everyone, I'm truly blessed to find this sight
    I'm simply overwhelmed by everyone's encouragement,thank you so much, I just wished I would of known about this sight 9 months ago. Ok i'm knew to this stuff, never joined a discussion forum or facebook or anything like that. What is my next step, it took me an hour just to get a photo on here. I'm not real happy with the user name I picked either "need support", is there a way to change it? It's a shame my kids are so good at this, I just always let them handle these computer situations. Only problem is at this time I have not confronted them about their mom, they are not kids anymore being 20 and 26 but I just don't have heart to tell them right now. I'll at least wait until my first appointment and see what my therapist says to do. Sad thing, a therapist is the last thing I think I need, but it may help reduce some anxiety. Honestly, I can't thank everyone enough for their support, it's been a tough 9 months as many of you know that are dealing with cancer let alone a situation like this. I'm a forgiving person, but I will never forget this ordeal. I hope to hear from many more of you on this board. I honestly do need help with this setup, what other screens should I go into or are there ways to "friend" people on this sight. thanks again, chuck

    Dear Chuck
    The others have said pretty much what I would have said about your cancer journey and your wife's actions, so I will chime in about some of your tech questions about this site.

    First, the name sticks unless you start a who new user. I think the name is a good one since it says why we are all here...we all need support!

    Second, about 'friending'...it doesn't work like on facebook. Here to be a friend, you click on the screen name of the person. At the bottom of the page which comes up it allows you to add that person as a friend. That person is notified next time they are on and may add you to their friend list.

    The friend list here just gives you an easier way to send "PM's" (Private messages). On the left of the screen here you will see lists on a tab called CSN. In that list is CSN Email. Click on that and it will take you to screen where you can send a private message to anyone using their screen name. Not everyone accepts PM's, but you will get a message to that effect if they don't.

    Probably easier for you to ask specific questions and folks will answer. This site is pretty basic.

    Best wishes for good resolution for your health and family issues.

    Marie who loves kitties
  • pete43lost_at_sea
    pete43lost_at_sea Member Posts: 3,900 Member
    sorry you got your cancer
    asking for help when you need it is a really healing thing to do!

    you said "She was always a great wife and mother" with the focus on was.

    unless she finds some love and strength in her heart, you are probably better off with out her.

    as you have experienced first hand, life deals up lots of challenges, deal with them each day as well as you can. thats all any of us can do.

    hang in there and vent away. you find strength in yourself, in unlikely places like on this forum. everyone who has lived with crc has something to offer.

    smile if you can.

    hugs,
    Pete
  • need support
    need support Member Posts: 40

    sorry you got your cancer
    asking for help when you need it is a really healing thing to do!

    you said "She was always a great wife and mother" with the focus on was.

    unless she finds some love and strength in her heart, you are probably better off with out her.

    as you have experienced first hand, life deals up lots of challenges, deal with them each day as well as you can. thats all any of us can do.

    hang in there and vent away. you find strength in yourself, in unlikely places like on this forum. everyone who has lived with crc has something to offer.

    smile if you can.

    hugs,
    Pete

    What a wonderful group of people
    Yesterday I felt so strong about dealing with all of this, and now sitting at work all I can think about is going through 6 months of chemo and my wife was socializing with another man. That's a deep hurt that is hard to explain. I have my next pet scan on march 3, 2012 and I'm fearing what might happen with all the stress i've been put through. I do have a lot of friends praying for me and by the support of this group it looks like I may have a few more. I don't want to sound like I am here for just help and would like to be as supportive as I can be to others as soon as I learn to navigate around this sight. Thanks everyone for all your comments. I'm doing my best to hold everything together. chuck
  • lauragb
    lauragb Member Posts: 370 Member

    What a wonderful group of people
    Yesterday I felt so strong about dealing with all of this, and now sitting at work all I can think about is going through 6 months of chemo and my wife was socializing with another man. That's a deep hurt that is hard to explain. I have my next pet scan on march 3, 2012 and I'm fearing what might happen with all the stress i've been put through. I do have a lot of friends praying for me and by the support of this group it looks like I may have a few more. I don't want to sound like I am here for just help and would like to be as supportive as I can be to others as soon as I learn to navigate around this sight. Thanks everyone for all your comments. I'm doing my best to hold everything together. chuck

    There's a time to give
    There's a time to give advice and a time to accept it. With what you are going through, don't worry about what you are giving. In fact, to me, I feel good to write you if I think it helps in any way, so in essence, you are giving even as you ask for advice.

    When I first posted, I was always asking for info, still do. That's why people are here. No one understands our situations more than other survivors. And from posts, it sounds like there are others who have been through your same situation.

    Take care of yourself, and keep an image of healthy cells for your upcoming PET. I will do the same, picturing you in incredible health ready to keep moving forward.

    Sending light and prayers. Laura
  • buckeye2
    buckeye2 Member Posts: 428 Member
    Your children need you more
    Your children need you more than ever as cancer has already rocked their world. It is not fair that you are called upon to be the strong one while also battling this beast but these are the life experiences that separate the "men from the boys". You will find the strength to rise to this challenge and feel proud of yourself on the other side of it. I wish you good luck and peace. Lisa
  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,742 Member
    Welcome
    Although I'm taking a bit of a break from the board, I opened the forum today and your message caught my eye. I'm so sad to hear of this, however, it does happen as many have told on this board. Glad you are starting therapy as this can help tremendously. You are in a vulnerable situation right now and going through what you have has to be taking a toll on you, especially holding this back from your children. I'm glad you have found this site as we are here to help with many different kinds of situations, all including what others have been through. Ask away with anything as there is probably many that have been there. We discuss many issues on here also. Wishing you the best and please post often and let us know how you are doing.

    Kim
  • LivinginNH
    LivinginNH Member Posts: 1,456 Member
    Hi,
    I don't think that I can


    Hi,

    I don't think that I can say anything to you that already hasn't been mentioned, but I just wanted to say hello, and welcome to the board.

    Cyn
  • need support
    need support Member Posts: 40

    Hi,
    I don't think that I can


    Hi,

    I don't think that I can say anything to you that already hasn't been mentioned, but I just wanted to say hello, and welcome to the board.

    Cyn

    Never saw it coming
    Hard to believe 2 weeks ago, I thought a had a partner for life and now this evening she has asked for a seperation, no marraige counseling no nothing!! Oh well, I always told my self I work well in a crisis, I guess I'm going to get a good taste of another one. I guess i'm kind of in shock right now, I treated that woman so good, I guess cancer can scare anyone away. Well i'm going to be a grand dad soon and I love the outdoors, I always felt a little guilty going on hunting trips, she used to text me about every half hour to make sure I was OK. Probably will be the hardest part of losing her, we were such good friends. Good night everyone, hopefully someone will write something on hear to cheer me up tomorrow. It's been another long day.
  • joemetz
    joemetz Member Posts: 493
    thinking of you
    i woke up around 4am this morning thinking and praying for you.

    I've been around women who have affiars after 20+ years of marriage.
    Hollywood movies and shows usually portray the MAN to be the cheater... but it's not all a mans world there. there's lots of this going one, and the fact that you have a cancer battle on your hands just makes it more sickening.

    the part that really pisses me off, is the guy on the other side of the affair.
    what kind of man temps a married women, mother and wife.
    Believe me, in HIS final days... unless he seeks forgiveness... he will find himself standing in front of Satin at the gates of Hell.

    and, what stinks... is your wife (or possibly future x-wife) will be with him.

    Be true to yourself... yet also fight for your marriage if you think its savable.
    many marriages can be, but it's focused on you and her.
    and the other guy needs to back off.

    have you reached out to this guy to remind him of what an idiot he is?
    not sure if that's a good idea or not, but it's definately what i would do.
    i would just put a little "fear of God" into his mind and his heart. (if the butt-head has a heart).

    also, point out to your wife... the goal of this life for you as a Husband, Father and as a Son... is to Get to Heaven. And, to make sure all your family knows the way and you'll all be there one day. But, the ten commmandments are real. And, she (and the idiot that she has been with) have broken some pretty big commandments.

    thou shalt not...

    sorry if i sound "over the top" here... but focus on YOU and Your kids.
    Focus on your health and prove to her that 2, 5, 10 years from now... you'll be "enjoying life" and one day she'll have so many regrets of her decisions back in 2011 and 2012!!!

    You sounds like a solid guy and you do not deserve this. But, you've been dealt another bad hand of cards. God is challenging you. The ball is in your court and you don't know what the hell to do. Its hard. There is no wrong or right decision. There is only YOUR decision and YOUR choices.

    do you fight for her, or do you let her go?
    do you contact this guy, and ask him to step away?
    do you talk to her and ask her "why" ?
    what are her goals for the future?

    obviously her goals are not in line with being a "family".
    she has made some real bad choices.... and she needs to understand that the Grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence. But, once she gets over there and looks down at the grass... same damn grass. (or even worse).

    i'm so mad at her, but i'm more pissed at the butt-head that on the other side of this.

    Keep your head up.
    YOU are a great guy.
    SHE made bad choices.

    this is NOT YOUR FAULT.

    NOT YOUR FAULT!

    my best to you and many prayers for healing.

    JoeMetz
  • Kenny H.
    Kenny H. Member Posts: 502 Member
    joemetz said:

    thinking of you
    i woke up around 4am this morning thinking and praying for you.

    I've been around women who have affiars after 20+ years of marriage.
    Hollywood movies and shows usually portray the MAN to be the cheater... but it's not all a mans world there. there's lots of this going one, and the fact that you have a cancer battle on your hands just makes it more sickening.

    the part that really pisses me off, is the guy on the other side of the affair.
    what kind of man temps a married women, mother and wife.
    Believe me, in HIS final days... unless he seeks forgiveness... he will find himself standing in front of Satin at the gates of Hell.

    and, what stinks... is your wife (or possibly future x-wife) will be with him.

    Be true to yourself... yet also fight for your marriage if you think its savable.
    many marriages can be, but it's focused on you and her.
    and the other guy needs to back off.

    have you reached out to this guy to remind him of what an idiot he is?
    not sure if that's a good idea or not, but it's definately what i would do.
    i would just put a little "fear of God" into his mind and his heart. (if the butt-head has a heart).

    also, point out to your wife... the goal of this life for you as a Husband, Father and as a Son... is to Get to Heaven. And, to make sure all your family knows the way and you'll all be there one day. But, the ten commmandments are real. And, she (and the idiot that she has been with) have broken some pretty big commandments.

    thou shalt not...

    sorry if i sound "over the top" here... but focus on YOU and Your kids.
    Focus on your health and prove to her that 2, 5, 10 years from now... you'll be "enjoying life" and one day she'll have so many regrets of her decisions back in 2011 and 2012!!!

    You sounds like a solid guy and you do not deserve this. But, you've been dealt another bad hand of cards. God is challenging you. The ball is in your court and you don't know what the hell to do. Its hard. There is no wrong or right decision. There is only YOUR decision and YOUR choices.

    do you fight for her, or do you let her go?
    do you contact this guy, and ask him to step away?
    do you talk to her and ask her "why" ?
    what are her goals for the future?

    obviously her goals are not in line with being a "family".
    she has made some real bad choices.... and she needs to understand that the Grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence. But, once she gets over there and looks down at the grass... same damn grass. (or even worse).

    i'm so mad at her, but i'm more pissed at the butt-head that on the other side of this.

    Keep your head up.
    YOU are a great guy.
    SHE made bad choices.

    this is NOT YOUR FAULT.

    NOT YOUR FAULT!

    my best to you and many prayers for healing.

    JoeMetz

    Not much I can add that
    Not much I can add that hasnt already been said. So much for "till death do us part" sad this had to happen to you at this time of your life.
    I feel blessed to have my wife/caregiver with me during this troubling time.
    Hang strong, have faith and you will be rewarded. Glad you came here to vent & keep us updated.
  • pscott1
    pscott1 Member Posts: 207 Member
    Chuck,
    I have already put my 2 cents worth in but I just have to tell you...if after fighting this cancer and fearing for my life like I have and my man came to me and said he was leaving me for another woman; well, I wouldn't be human if it didn't hurt but having and keeping a long lasting relationship with someone who in my darkest time ever would turn to another woman and throw away the 11 years we have together....so be it. I want to live. I want to be here for my girls and see them grow. I used to say I don't want to be old but brother, I want to get as old as He will allow me to get. I'm not ready to go and all of my energy is directed to making that happen. It is what it is. I'm not trying to sound 'flip' about your situation. Yes...it would probably hurt me terribly as well if I were in your shoes. But the big picture is...I'm fighting for my life. If I'm not meant to be with him then there will be something else in my future if it's meant to be. Live every day like it's your last. Concentrate on beating this awful disease. Focus on you. Don't let her steal any of your joy like cancer tries to do. I am praying that you will get to a place with this where you don't feel like every day you get up that it's the main thing on your mind. Try to relax and get strong so you can fight. You have to fight this mentally as well as being in shape physically to battle cancer. I am praying for you. Keep your head up. And know that you can always come here to vent and find comfort.

    My best,

    Pam
  • need support
    need support Member Posts: 40
    pscott1 said:

    Chuck,
    I have already put my 2 cents worth in but I just have to tell you...if after fighting this cancer and fearing for my life like I have and my man came to me and said he was leaving me for another woman; well, I wouldn't be human if it didn't hurt but having and keeping a long lasting relationship with someone who in my darkest time ever would turn to another woman and throw away the 11 years we have together....so be it. I want to live. I want to be here for my girls and see them grow. I used to say I don't want to be old but brother, I want to get as old as He will allow me to get. I'm not ready to go and all of my energy is directed to making that happen. It is what it is. I'm not trying to sound 'flip' about your situation. Yes...it would probably hurt me terribly as well if I were in your shoes. But the big picture is...I'm fighting for my life. If I'm not meant to be with him then there will be something else in my future if it's meant to be. Live every day like it's your last. Concentrate on beating this awful disease. Focus on you. Don't let her steal any of your joy like cancer tries to do. I am praying that you will get to a place with this where you don't feel like every day you get up that it's the main thing on your mind. Try to relax and get strong so you can fight. You have to fight this mentally as well as being in shape physically to battle cancer. I am praying for you. Keep your head up. And know that you can always come here to vent and find comfort.

    My best,

    Pam

    doing the right thing
    I've noticed as the replies continue that the feeling and sincerity have increased as well. My wife went to two 1 hour sessions with a psychologist and came home and told me she wanted to be seperated. I can't imagine any one giving that type of advice unless that is exactly what she wants to do. I just looked at her and said "a woman with a boyfriend that wants a seperation is looking for a free pass to test a new relationship" So I told her it's like this, i'm willing to get some type of counseling before she moves out, # 1 so we can look at each other some day and say we at least tried. #2 we have children together and I think they would want to know we at least sought some type of outside help, and #3 hopefully after we sift through all the wrong doings we can at least be friends. For the heck of it i'll throw in a #4 I did nothing wrong other than fight the worse disease a person can imagine, a part of me says she was scared and turned to an old friend where feelings developed, the other part of me thinks any woman(man) that would do something like this to their partner of 27 years isn't worth working with. Does anyone out there have any experience with marriage counseling or am I just wasting my time. I try to think about my condition all the time, but as many of you know this disease is hidden and it's hard to tell what is going on in your body. She woke up this morning and said she would like to stay till I get the results of my next pet scan on march 8th. Again, mixed emotion why she wants to stay just in case I get some sort of bad news or again a free pass to leave. This is unbelievable. Some of you may be thinking I sound a "little weak" but honestly I was always looked at as the head of household and hold a job where i'm in charge of over 60 people, i'm not one to be pushed around, just a difficult situation. I really enjoy everyones input , i'm trying to move forward. thanks everyone
  • here4lfe
    here4lfe Member Posts: 306 Member
    Caregiver here
    Two years into this battle my wife started seeing a counselor which has helped her a lot. You need clarity now.

    Best to you.