Anybody heard from Sundance?

tommycat
tommycat Member Posts: 790 Member
He's been MIA.....
«134

Comments

  • pepebcn
    pepebcn Member Posts: 6,331 Member
    Been asking the same lately!
    Hi Craig , any good news? what about the book? and health? Hope everything fine , praying for that.
  • LivinginNH
    LivinginNH Member Posts: 1,456 Member
    Yes, I got a note from him


    Yes, I got a note from him last week, he's doing ok, he's just really busy with family responsibilities.

    Miss you on the board Craig! :-)
  • thingy45
    thingy45 Member Posts: 632 Member

    Yes, I got a note from him


    Yes, I got a note from him last week, he's doing ok, he's just really busy with family responsibilities.

    Miss you on the board Craig! :-)

    Busy
    Yes, I received a note also, yesterday. Very busy and also still trying to find a editor for the Book.
    Take time for yourself Craig, but we DO miss you :)
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    All Points Bulletin - Suspect "On the Run" Has Been Apprehended
    "10-4, the cover is code 3...we've got him detained and in custody, over."

    LOL!

    Thank you, TC, for this post. I appreciate your concern…but my big question to you is, “Did you miss me?” Wait a minute – don’t answer that one – the truth might sting a little too much and you know how sensitive I am, right? :)

    I want to take a minute and thank my “honey-pies” for reaching out to me, at a time in my life when I really needed someone to talk to. Trust is something we earn along the way if we’re very fortunate…the opening of one’s heart and sharing it with other folks, is perhaps the greatest reward that one can give to another. It’s not always easy to trust.

    And so, I trusted…and opened my heart to them…to my surprise, my gals did not run for the hills – instead, they comforted and nurtured – something I’ve been sorely lacking for a long time.

    It’s those kinds of experiences that form the bonds of strong feelings that equate to real friendship. I am blessed to have these kinds of ladies in my life. And it doesn’t matter whether we’ve met or not…because when one swaps real heartaches and stories and you get to know one another, then isn’t that about as real as you can get?

    Ma’ Bell used to say, “Long distance – it’s the next best thing to being there.”

    I was turning back towards the dark side with dark thoughts…the inspiration was gone…the well had suddenly run dry…the voice now eerily silenced…

    I could not be what I wanted to be here with all that is going on, so I thought it better to stay clear of here, until I could once again regain my perspective. I wrote my own posts and replied to others, but chose to hit the delete key in each case….I just did not like the way it sounded. I could tell the hurt and pain I’m experiencing right now was bleeding over and I could not let that happen.

    It was a combination of things really. The news of my 2 new spots on new lung and liver didn’t have time to really sink in, before my dad’s health began to fail him…the last 6-weeks we have been bouncing back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals. So, it has taken all of my available time tending to that.

    It’s much more than a physical task however; there is a raging sea of emotions that are churning inside me…many conflicting emotions as I look at the man, who is my dad and also as the man who I suffered under for 50 years with mental and verbal abuse. A man who expected everything out of me – but put nothing in me.

    A man, whose last marriage ended up breaking up our family and sending my sister to another town, where she was subsequently murdered at 18. A man, who told me that this wife “was the most important thing to ever happen to him in his life.”

    And then she left him 8-years ago when I got cancer and he had a stroke…just got on her broomstick and got the hell out of Dodge.

    I stare back at a fallible man with some degree of bitterness and resentment, as I’m now the “Last of the Mohicans” left now to clean up all of this mess. My dad has not made it easy for me - even in his last days.

    You see, mine is a duty out of responsibility, not out of love. For in order to love, one has to receive love…and I never got love….just the sting of the lash, or the even harder stinging of words meant to beat me down and destroy my spirit. If I was lucky, I just got silence.

    So, when I look around this room, I see families who 'love' one another - really love one another, hell, you actually 'like' each other. And I long for that which I never had - I long for that, which I will never taste...

    If you really knew me, you would ask how your Sundance manages to stay upbeat and mostly positive with all that his life has been. Through abuse, sibling's murder, tornadoes, and three cancers....I keep smilin' and trying to help...hoping that one day, I will finally get mine.

    So, when the end does come and my dad passes, there will be no tears. If any tears are accidentally shed, they will be for the memories of "What COULD have been"...and "What SHOULD have been."

    I could tell you a couple of stories, but I’ve said too much already…

    I will tell you this one. The other day, we went to the hospital. I had to sit downstairs for a few minutes just to get nerve enough to go up there….the day before he pretended like he didn’t know me…would not look at me…would not talk to me…

    Found out, it was because I did not say “bye” the night before….he had gone to sleep, so I just went on home...of course on that day, he made sure to embarrass me in front of his friends….an old trick. Made me look like an **** – and after me and Kim had both taken a ½ day off from work to go and clean out his room at the nursing home.

    It actually gets worse, but I gotta' stop somewhere.

    So, my heart was hurting like I was having a stroke or heart attack…very heavy…hard to breathe etc. etc. And then Kim, sensing the tension and the dread, walked up to me and put her around mine:)

    WTF!

    I about passed out – I haven’t had a touch in such a long time, I had forgotten what it felt like. But, she was actually ‘tender’ to me for those few moments and was really trying to console me…you see, she knows all that has happened….her and my dad don’t get along…and for a lot of obvious reasons.

    So, along with my own health concern and now my dad’s failing health, the news of Lisa’s impending passing and I just sorta went numb. I guess I can only take so much of anything. And I’m so tired of watching my friends die right in front of me.

    Yesterday, I went down with a big ol’ round of vertigo…that stuff cripples the mind and makes you fearful that the next breath will rock your world…that’s what happened…I responded to a pm here and right after that, Whammo! See you tomorrow.

    I hate living like this….I hate living in fear of when my 4th recurrence is coming…I hate living with the fear that my next breath or step is going to leave me dizzy and debilitated. I hate having to fit into the real world when my body is rebelling so. I hate losing all of my friends here that I grew up with to cancer.

    I’m tired….so tired….so tired of fighting for every single thing…I had to fight so hard as a child growing up, raising myself….it was the real reality show of Survivor – and that’s why I am a tough nut to crack….believe me, The Best have all taken their shots and lost.

    I may not be good – but I am stubborn and ornery – I survive because I’ve always had to.

    Big Billy still wants to stop out and visit you…I’ll let him tell you a couple of stories about what’s been happening with the book project.

    I’ll tell you that I got my “1st official rejection” email from one of my prospective agents this past Monday. She let me down nicely. I smiled, because at least she herself responded back to me. The others have hit the delete key.

    I’ve got a good lead on a new agent though…she is “Passionate” about medical subjects. She likes snail mail, so I put together my book proposal, outline, and the first chapter on good stationary and mailed it out with a wing and a prayer.

    I had to enclose a self-addressed envelope so they could mail their reply back to me in 8-9 weeks…what a shame to have to ‘pay’ to receive a rejection, LOL!

    In between all of this madness, I’m trying not to forget about ME – my hopes and dreams with this book project Right now, it’s the only thing that is keeping me buoyed in this current stormy chapter of my life.

    If things ever pop, I’ve got big plans for Big Billy. Wait till you hear what's on Big Billy’s Bucket List – I’m going to let him tell you all about it. The boy is nothing if not imaginative :)

    But knowing him the way that I do – I “know” he can do what he will tell you he wants to do.

    Thanks again, TC…I needed someone to talk to.

    Welcome to all the new folks and best wishes to those currently in the fight. Thanks for listening.

    -Craig
  • Jaylo969
    Jaylo969 Member Posts: 824 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    All Points Bulletin - Suspect "On the Run" Has Been Apprehended
    "10-4, the cover is code 3...we've got him detained and in custody, over."

    LOL!

    Thank you, TC, for this post. I appreciate your concern…but my big question to you is, “Did you miss me?” Wait a minute – don’t answer that one – the truth might sting a little too much and you know how sensitive I am, right? :)

    I want to take a minute and thank my “honey-pies” for reaching out to me, at a time in my life when I really needed someone to talk to. Trust is something we earn along the way if we’re very fortunate…the opening of one’s heart and sharing it with other folks, is perhaps the greatest reward that one can give to another. It’s not always easy to trust.

    And so, I trusted…and opened my heart to them…to my surprise, my gals did not run for the hills – instead, they comforted and nurtured – something I’ve been sorely lacking for a long time.

    It’s those kinds of experiences that form the bonds of strong feelings that equate to real friendship. I am blessed to have these kinds of ladies in my life. And it doesn’t matter whether we’ve met or not…because when one swaps real heartaches and stories and you get to know one another, then isn’t that about as real as you can get?

    Ma’ Bell used to say, “Long distance – it’s the next best thing to being there.”

    I was turning back towards the dark side with dark thoughts…the inspiration was gone…the well had suddenly run dry…the voice now eerily silenced…

    I could not be what I wanted to be here with all that is going on, so I thought it better to stay clear of here, until I could once again regain my perspective. I wrote my own posts and replied to others, but chose to hit the delete key in each case….I just did not like the way it sounded. I could tell the hurt and pain I’m experiencing right now was bleeding over and I could not let that happen.

    It was a combination of things really. The news of my 2 new spots on new lung and liver didn’t have time to really sink in, before my dad’s health began to fail him…the last 6-weeks we have been bouncing back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals. So, it has taken all of my available time tending to that.

    It’s much more than a physical task however; there is a raging sea of emotions that are churning inside me…many conflicting emotions as I look at the man, who is my dad and also as the man who I suffered under for 50 years with mental and verbal abuse. A man who expected everything out of me – but put nothing in me.

    A man, whose last marriage ended up breaking up our family and sending my sister to another town, where she was subsequently murdered at 18. A man, who told me that this wife “was the most important thing to ever happen to him in his life.”

    And then she left him 8-years ago when I got cancer and he had a stroke…just got on her broomstick and got the hell out of Dodge.

    I stare back at a fallible man with some degree of bitterness and resentment, as I’m now the “Last of the Mohicans” left now to clean up all of this mess. My dad has not made it easy for me - even in his last days.

    You see, mine is a duty out of responsibility, not out of love. For in order to love, one has to receive love…and I never got love….just the sting of the lash, or the even harder stinging of words meant to beat me down and destroy my spirit. If I was lucky, I just got silence.

    So, when I look around this room, I see families who 'love' one another - really love one another, hell, you actually 'like' each other. And I long for that which I never had - I long for that, which I will never taste...

    If you really knew me, you would ask how your Sundance manages to stay upbeat and mostly positive with all that his life has been. Through abuse, sibling's murder, tornadoes, and three cancers....I keep smilin' and trying to help...hoping that one day, I will finally get mine.

    So, when the end does come and my dad passes, there will be no tears. If any tears are accidentally shed, they will be for the memories of "What COULD have been"...and "What SHOULD have been."

    I could tell you a couple of stories, but I’ve said too much already…

    I will tell you this one. The other day, we went to the hospital. I had to sit downstairs for a few minutes just to get nerve enough to go up there….the day before he pretended like he didn’t know me…would not look at me…would not talk to me…

    Found out, it was because I did not say “bye” the night before….he had gone to sleep, so I just went on home...of course on that day, he made sure to embarrass me in front of his friends….an old trick. Made me look like an **** – and after me and Kim had both taken a ½ day off from work to go and clean out his room at the nursing home.

    It actually gets worse, but I gotta' stop somewhere.

    So, my heart was hurting like I was having a stroke or heart attack…very heavy…hard to breathe etc. etc. And then Kim, sensing the tension and the dread, walked up to me and put her around mine:)

    WTF!

    I about passed out – I haven’t had a touch in such a long time, I had forgotten what it felt like. But, she was actually ‘tender’ to me for those few moments and was really trying to console me…you see, she knows all that has happened….her and my dad don’t get along…and for a lot of obvious reasons.

    So, along with my own health concern and now my dad’s failing health, the news of Lisa’s impending passing and I just sorta went numb. I guess I can only take so much of anything. And I’m so tired of watching my friends die right in front of me.

    Yesterday, I went down with a big ol’ round of vertigo…that stuff cripples the mind and makes you fearful that the next breath will rock your world…that’s what happened…I responded to a pm here and right after that, Whammo! See you tomorrow.

    I hate living like this….I hate living in fear of when my 4th recurrence is coming…I hate living with the fear that my next breath or step is going to leave me dizzy and debilitated. I hate having to fit into the real world when my body is rebelling so. I hate losing all of my friends here that I grew up with to cancer.

    I’m tired….so tired….so tired of fighting for every single thing…I had to fight so hard as a child growing up, raising myself….it was the real reality show of Survivor – and that’s why I am a tough nut to crack….believe me, The Best have all taken their shots and lost.

    I may not be good – but I am stubborn and ornery – I survive because I’ve always had to.

    Big Billy still wants to stop out and visit you…I’ll let him tell you a couple of stories about what’s been happening with the book project.

    I’ll tell you that I got my “1st official rejection” email from one of my prospective agents this past Monday. She let me down nicely. I smiled, because at least she herself responded back to me. The others have hit the delete key.

    I’ve got a good lead on a new agent though…she is “Passionate” about medical subjects. She likes snail mail, so I put together my book proposal, outline, and the first chapter on good stationary and mailed it out with a wing and a prayer.

    I had to enclose a self-addressed envelope so they could mail their reply back to me in 8-9 weeks…what a shame to have to ‘pay’ to receive a rejection, LOL!

    In between all of this madness, I’m trying not to forget about ME – my hopes and dreams with this book project Right now, it’s the only thing that is keeping me buoyed in this current stormy chapter of my life.

    If things ever pop, I’ve got big plans for Big Billy. Wait till you hear what's on Big Billy’s Bucket List – I’m going to let him tell you all about it. The boy is nothing if not imaginative :)

    But knowing him the way that I do – I “know” he can do what he will tell you he wants to do.

    Thanks again, TC…I needed someone to talk to.

    Welcome to all the new folks and best wishes to those currently in the fight. Thanks for listening.

    -Craig

    Dear Craig
    Dear friend {{{ HUGGS!!!}}}

    I have been semi AWOL myself recently. I'll try to do better though, because I really wanna' be here to hear Big Billy's stories.I just feel like I haven't much to offer and I am so weak when it comes to losing friends. When Roger and Kerry passed away it did me in.

    You take care and know that you have a wealth of friends.

    Love,
    Pat
  • MrsJP
    MrsJP Member Posts: 157
    Sundanceh said:

    All Points Bulletin - Suspect "On the Run" Has Been Apprehended
    "10-4, the cover is code 3...we've got him detained and in custody, over."

    LOL!

    Thank you, TC, for this post. I appreciate your concern…but my big question to you is, “Did you miss me?” Wait a minute – don’t answer that one – the truth might sting a little too much and you know how sensitive I am, right? :)

    I want to take a minute and thank my “honey-pies” for reaching out to me, at a time in my life when I really needed someone to talk to. Trust is something we earn along the way if we’re very fortunate…the opening of one’s heart and sharing it with other folks, is perhaps the greatest reward that one can give to another. It’s not always easy to trust.

    And so, I trusted…and opened my heart to them…to my surprise, my gals did not run for the hills – instead, they comforted and nurtured – something I’ve been sorely lacking for a long time.

    It’s those kinds of experiences that form the bonds of strong feelings that equate to real friendship. I am blessed to have these kinds of ladies in my life. And it doesn’t matter whether we’ve met or not…because when one swaps real heartaches and stories and you get to know one another, then isn’t that about as real as you can get?

    Ma’ Bell used to say, “Long distance – it’s the next best thing to being there.”

    I was turning back towards the dark side with dark thoughts…the inspiration was gone…the well had suddenly run dry…the voice now eerily silenced…

    I could not be what I wanted to be here with all that is going on, so I thought it better to stay clear of here, until I could once again regain my perspective. I wrote my own posts and replied to others, but chose to hit the delete key in each case….I just did not like the way it sounded. I could tell the hurt and pain I’m experiencing right now was bleeding over and I could not let that happen.

    It was a combination of things really. The news of my 2 new spots on new lung and liver didn’t have time to really sink in, before my dad’s health began to fail him…the last 6-weeks we have been bouncing back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals. So, it has taken all of my available time tending to that.

    It’s much more than a physical task however; there is a raging sea of emotions that are churning inside me…many conflicting emotions as I look at the man, who is my dad and also as the man who I suffered under for 50 years with mental and verbal abuse. A man who expected everything out of me – but put nothing in me.

    A man, whose last marriage ended up breaking up our family and sending my sister to another town, where she was subsequently murdered at 18. A man, who told me that this wife “was the most important thing to ever happen to him in his life.”

    And then she left him 8-years ago when I got cancer and he had a stroke…just got on her broomstick and got the hell out of Dodge.

    I stare back at a fallible man with some degree of bitterness and resentment, as I’m now the “Last of the Mohicans” left now to clean up all of this mess. My dad has not made it easy for me - even in his last days.

    You see, mine is a duty out of responsibility, not out of love. For in order to love, one has to receive love…and I never got love….just the sting of the lash, or the even harder stinging of words meant to beat me down and destroy my spirit. If I was lucky, I just got silence.

    So, when I look around this room, I see families who 'love' one another - really love one another, hell, you actually 'like' each other. And I long for that which I never had - I long for that, which I will never taste...

    If you really knew me, you would ask how your Sundance manages to stay upbeat and mostly positive with all that his life has been. Through abuse, sibling's murder, tornadoes, and three cancers....I keep smilin' and trying to help...hoping that one day, I will finally get mine.

    So, when the end does come and my dad passes, there will be no tears. If any tears are accidentally shed, they will be for the memories of "What COULD have been"...and "What SHOULD have been."

    I could tell you a couple of stories, but I’ve said too much already…

    I will tell you this one. The other day, we went to the hospital. I had to sit downstairs for a few minutes just to get nerve enough to go up there….the day before he pretended like he didn’t know me…would not look at me…would not talk to me…

    Found out, it was because I did not say “bye” the night before….he had gone to sleep, so I just went on home...of course on that day, he made sure to embarrass me in front of his friends….an old trick. Made me look like an **** – and after me and Kim had both taken a ½ day off from work to go and clean out his room at the nursing home.

    It actually gets worse, but I gotta' stop somewhere.

    So, my heart was hurting like I was having a stroke or heart attack…very heavy…hard to breathe etc. etc. And then Kim, sensing the tension and the dread, walked up to me and put her around mine:)

    WTF!

    I about passed out – I haven’t had a touch in such a long time, I had forgotten what it felt like. But, she was actually ‘tender’ to me for those few moments and was really trying to console me…you see, she knows all that has happened….her and my dad don’t get along…and for a lot of obvious reasons.

    So, along with my own health concern and now my dad’s failing health, the news of Lisa’s impending passing and I just sorta went numb. I guess I can only take so much of anything. And I’m so tired of watching my friends die right in front of me.

    Yesterday, I went down with a big ol’ round of vertigo…that stuff cripples the mind and makes you fearful that the next breath will rock your world…that’s what happened…I responded to a pm here and right after that, Whammo! See you tomorrow.

    I hate living like this….I hate living in fear of when my 4th recurrence is coming…I hate living with the fear that my next breath or step is going to leave me dizzy and debilitated. I hate having to fit into the real world when my body is rebelling so. I hate losing all of my friends here that I grew up with to cancer.

    I’m tired….so tired….so tired of fighting for every single thing…I had to fight so hard as a child growing up, raising myself….it was the real reality show of Survivor – and that’s why I am a tough nut to crack….believe me, The Best have all taken their shots and lost.

    I may not be good – but I am stubborn and ornery – I survive because I’ve always had to.

    Big Billy still wants to stop out and visit you…I’ll let him tell you a couple of stories about what’s been happening with the book project.

    I’ll tell you that I got my “1st official rejection” email from one of my prospective agents this past Monday. She let me down nicely. I smiled, because at least she herself responded back to me. The others have hit the delete key.

    I’ve got a good lead on a new agent though…she is “Passionate” about medical subjects. She likes snail mail, so I put together my book proposal, outline, and the first chapter on good stationary and mailed it out with a wing and a prayer.

    I had to enclose a self-addressed envelope so they could mail their reply back to me in 8-9 weeks…what a shame to have to ‘pay’ to receive a rejection, LOL!

    In between all of this madness, I’m trying not to forget about ME – my hopes and dreams with this book project Right now, it’s the only thing that is keeping me buoyed in this current stormy chapter of my life.

    If things ever pop, I’ve got big plans for Big Billy. Wait till you hear what's on Big Billy’s Bucket List – I’m going to let him tell you all about it. The boy is nothing if not imaginative :)

    But knowing him the way that I do – I “know” he can do what he will tell you he wants to do.

    Thanks again, TC…I needed someone to talk to.

    Welcome to all the new folks and best wishes to those currently in the fight. Thanks for listening.

    -Craig

    tears..
    I'm so sorry for all you have been threw, are going threw. Life can be so damn hard.

    I've been asking myself: What's the purpose? Why are we here? I have not found that answer. Along my path, no matter how bad I have had it, there has always been someone who has had it harder..

    I wish I could give you comfort. You have been so kind and caring. I am sending a simple hug and prayer: May he grant you peace and comfort. amen
    jp
  • eibod
    eibod Member Posts: 160
    Sundanceh said:

    All Points Bulletin - Suspect "On the Run" Has Been Apprehended
    "10-4, the cover is code 3...we've got him detained and in custody, over."

    LOL!

    Thank you, TC, for this post. I appreciate your concern…but my big question to you is, “Did you miss me?” Wait a minute – don’t answer that one – the truth might sting a little too much and you know how sensitive I am, right? :)

    I want to take a minute and thank my “honey-pies” for reaching out to me, at a time in my life when I really needed someone to talk to. Trust is something we earn along the way if we’re very fortunate…the opening of one’s heart and sharing it with other folks, is perhaps the greatest reward that one can give to another. It’s not always easy to trust.

    And so, I trusted…and opened my heart to them…to my surprise, my gals did not run for the hills – instead, they comforted and nurtured – something I’ve been sorely lacking for a long time.

    It’s those kinds of experiences that form the bonds of strong feelings that equate to real friendship. I am blessed to have these kinds of ladies in my life. And it doesn’t matter whether we’ve met or not…because when one swaps real heartaches and stories and you get to know one another, then isn’t that about as real as you can get?

    Ma’ Bell used to say, “Long distance – it’s the next best thing to being there.”

    I was turning back towards the dark side with dark thoughts…the inspiration was gone…the well had suddenly run dry…the voice now eerily silenced…

    I could not be what I wanted to be here with all that is going on, so I thought it better to stay clear of here, until I could once again regain my perspective. I wrote my own posts and replied to others, but chose to hit the delete key in each case….I just did not like the way it sounded. I could tell the hurt and pain I’m experiencing right now was bleeding over and I could not let that happen.

    It was a combination of things really. The news of my 2 new spots on new lung and liver didn’t have time to really sink in, before my dad’s health began to fail him…the last 6-weeks we have been bouncing back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals. So, it has taken all of my available time tending to that.

    It’s much more than a physical task however; there is a raging sea of emotions that are churning inside me…many conflicting emotions as I look at the man, who is my dad and also as the man who I suffered under for 50 years with mental and verbal abuse. A man who expected everything out of me – but put nothing in me.

    A man, whose last marriage ended up breaking up our family and sending my sister to another town, where she was subsequently murdered at 18. A man, who told me that this wife “was the most important thing to ever happen to him in his life.”

    And then she left him 8-years ago when I got cancer and he had a stroke…just got on her broomstick and got the hell out of Dodge.

    I stare back at a fallible man with some degree of bitterness and resentment, as I’m now the “Last of the Mohicans” left now to clean up all of this mess. My dad has not made it easy for me - even in his last days.

    You see, mine is a duty out of responsibility, not out of love. For in order to love, one has to receive love…and I never got love….just the sting of the lash, or the even harder stinging of words meant to beat me down and destroy my spirit. If I was lucky, I just got silence.

    So, when I look around this room, I see families who 'love' one another - really love one another, hell, you actually 'like' each other. And I long for that which I never had - I long for that, which I will never taste...

    If you really knew me, you would ask how your Sundance manages to stay upbeat and mostly positive with all that his life has been. Through abuse, sibling's murder, tornadoes, and three cancers....I keep smilin' and trying to help...hoping that one day, I will finally get mine.

    So, when the end does come and my dad passes, there will be no tears. If any tears are accidentally shed, they will be for the memories of "What COULD have been"...and "What SHOULD have been."

    I could tell you a couple of stories, but I’ve said too much already…

    I will tell you this one. The other day, we went to the hospital. I had to sit downstairs for a few minutes just to get nerve enough to go up there….the day before he pretended like he didn’t know me…would not look at me…would not talk to me…

    Found out, it was because I did not say “bye” the night before….he had gone to sleep, so I just went on home...of course on that day, he made sure to embarrass me in front of his friends….an old trick. Made me look like an **** – and after me and Kim had both taken a ½ day off from work to go and clean out his room at the nursing home.

    It actually gets worse, but I gotta' stop somewhere.

    So, my heart was hurting like I was having a stroke or heart attack…very heavy…hard to breathe etc. etc. And then Kim, sensing the tension and the dread, walked up to me and put her around mine:)

    WTF!

    I about passed out – I haven’t had a touch in such a long time, I had forgotten what it felt like. But, she was actually ‘tender’ to me for those few moments and was really trying to console me…you see, she knows all that has happened….her and my dad don’t get along…and for a lot of obvious reasons.

    So, along with my own health concern and now my dad’s failing health, the news of Lisa’s impending passing and I just sorta went numb. I guess I can only take so much of anything. And I’m so tired of watching my friends die right in front of me.

    Yesterday, I went down with a big ol’ round of vertigo…that stuff cripples the mind and makes you fearful that the next breath will rock your world…that’s what happened…I responded to a pm here and right after that, Whammo! See you tomorrow.

    I hate living like this….I hate living in fear of when my 4th recurrence is coming…I hate living with the fear that my next breath or step is going to leave me dizzy and debilitated. I hate having to fit into the real world when my body is rebelling so. I hate losing all of my friends here that I grew up with to cancer.

    I’m tired….so tired….so tired of fighting for every single thing…I had to fight so hard as a child growing up, raising myself….it was the real reality show of Survivor – and that’s why I am a tough nut to crack….believe me, The Best have all taken their shots and lost.

    I may not be good – but I am stubborn and ornery – I survive because I’ve always had to.

    Big Billy still wants to stop out and visit you…I’ll let him tell you a couple of stories about what’s been happening with the book project.

    I’ll tell you that I got my “1st official rejection” email from one of my prospective agents this past Monday. She let me down nicely. I smiled, because at least she herself responded back to me. The others have hit the delete key.

    I’ve got a good lead on a new agent though…she is “Passionate” about medical subjects. She likes snail mail, so I put together my book proposal, outline, and the first chapter on good stationary and mailed it out with a wing and a prayer.

    I had to enclose a self-addressed envelope so they could mail their reply back to me in 8-9 weeks…what a shame to have to ‘pay’ to receive a rejection, LOL!

    In between all of this madness, I’m trying not to forget about ME – my hopes and dreams with this book project Right now, it’s the only thing that is keeping me buoyed in this current stormy chapter of my life.

    If things ever pop, I’ve got big plans for Big Billy. Wait till you hear what's on Big Billy’s Bucket List – I’m going to let him tell you all about it. The boy is nothing if not imaginative :)

    But knowing him the way that I do – I “know” he can do what he will tell you he wants to do.

    Thanks again, TC…I needed someone to talk to.

    Welcome to all the new folks and best wishes to those currently in the fight. Thanks for listening.

    -Craig

    Craig, it breaks my heart
    Craig, it breaks my heart to hear all that you have been going through. You are truly a magical man, having a way with words and caring that not too many people have. I know
    sometimes (many times) the spirit just gets plain tired of fighting. Than it is natural to lay low and try to just recover for a while, before the fight continues again. But it sounds like you are a survivor for real. I truly hope that life gets better for you, you have certainly made it better for others. Take care, Brenda
  • pepebcn
    pepebcn Member Posts: 6,331 Member
    eibod said:

    Craig, it breaks my heart
    Craig, it breaks my heart to hear all that you have been going through. You are truly a magical man, having a way with words and caring that not too many people have. I know
    sometimes (many times) the spirit just gets plain tired of fighting. Than it is natural to lay low and try to just recover for a while, before the fight continues again. But it sounds like you are a survivor for real. I truly hope that life gets better for you, you have certainly made it better for others. Take care, Brenda

    Heart breaking story my friend!
    Here you got a college for anything you may need just let me know even if you need a call just say it and will be pleased to call you.
    Good luck great man!
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    Not An Easy Post to Write...
    In retrospect, I shouldn't have written it.

    I should just have said "all's well" and hit send. But, that's not the truth...and I'm all about the truth. And I'm never afraid to talk about tough subjects, because I feel as a people, that is how we learn - we learn from one another.

    Somtimes, a body has to step out and take a huge risk and expose themselves...those feelings have been shuttered for five decades, only rising now to the surface with all that has been going on.

    We always say that the board is our place to vent - our place that is a safe haven. I just needed to talk and hear from some of my friends. Although I know that I left many not knowing what to say or how to respond...if you just listened, that's good enough for me.

    I sincerely apologize for this post and hope that you can forgive me...and hopefully a couple of you will understand where I'm coming from.

    -c
  • dasspears
    dasspears Member Posts: 227
    Sundanceh said:

    Not An Easy Post to Write...
    In retrospect, I shouldn't have written it.

    I should just have said "all's well" and hit send. But, that's not the truth...and I'm all about the truth. And I'm never afraid to talk about tough subjects, because I feel as a people, that is how we learn - we learn from one another.

    Somtimes, a body has to step out and take a huge risk and expose themselves...those feelings have been shuttered for five decades, only rising now to the surface with all that has been going on.

    We always say that the board is our place to vent - our place that is a safe haven. I just needed to talk and hear from some of my friends. Although I know that I left many not knowing what to say or how to respond...if you just listened, that's good enough for me.

    I sincerely apologize for this post and hope that you can forgive me...and hopefully a couple of you will understand where I'm coming from.

    -c

    No apology needed....
    Your friends are always here for you. Vent away!

    My husband went through a similar scenario with his father 2 years ago. It took a huge toll on him emotionally and physically to deal with a father who was ill and needed assistance yet was an alcoholic and abusive to his children when they were growing up. There were tears when he died but not sure if they were for sadness or relief.
  • Minnesotagirl
    Minnesotagirl Member Posts: 141
    Sundanceh said:

    All Points Bulletin - Suspect "On the Run" Has Been Apprehended
    "10-4, the cover is code 3...we've got him detained and in custody, over."

    LOL!

    Thank you, TC, for this post. I appreciate your concern…but my big question to you is, “Did you miss me?” Wait a minute – don’t answer that one – the truth might sting a little too much and you know how sensitive I am, right? :)

    I want to take a minute and thank my “honey-pies” for reaching out to me, at a time in my life when I really needed someone to talk to. Trust is something we earn along the way if we’re very fortunate…the opening of one’s heart and sharing it with other folks, is perhaps the greatest reward that one can give to another. It’s not always easy to trust.

    And so, I trusted…and opened my heart to them…to my surprise, my gals did not run for the hills – instead, they comforted and nurtured – something I’ve been sorely lacking for a long time.

    It’s those kinds of experiences that form the bonds of strong feelings that equate to real friendship. I am blessed to have these kinds of ladies in my life. And it doesn’t matter whether we’ve met or not…because when one swaps real heartaches and stories and you get to know one another, then isn’t that about as real as you can get?

    Ma’ Bell used to say, “Long distance – it’s the next best thing to being there.”

    I was turning back towards the dark side with dark thoughts…the inspiration was gone…the well had suddenly run dry…the voice now eerily silenced…

    I could not be what I wanted to be here with all that is going on, so I thought it better to stay clear of here, until I could once again regain my perspective. I wrote my own posts and replied to others, but chose to hit the delete key in each case….I just did not like the way it sounded. I could tell the hurt and pain I’m experiencing right now was bleeding over and I could not let that happen.

    It was a combination of things really. The news of my 2 new spots on new lung and liver didn’t have time to really sink in, before my dad’s health began to fail him…the last 6-weeks we have been bouncing back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals. So, it has taken all of my available time tending to that.

    It’s much more than a physical task however; there is a raging sea of emotions that are churning inside me…many conflicting emotions as I look at the man, who is my dad and also as the man who I suffered under for 50 years with mental and verbal abuse. A man who expected everything out of me – but put nothing in me.

    A man, whose last marriage ended up breaking up our family and sending my sister to another town, where she was subsequently murdered at 18. A man, who told me that this wife “was the most important thing to ever happen to him in his life.”

    And then she left him 8-years ago when I got cancer and he had a stroke…just got on her broomstick and got the hell out of Dodge.

    I stare back at a fallible man with some degree of bitterness and resentment, as I’m now the “Last of the Mohicans” left now to clean up all of this mess. My dad has not made it easy for me - even in his last days.

    You see, mine is a duty out of responsibility, not out of love. For in order to love, one has to receive love…and I never got love….just the sting of the lash, or the even harder stinging of words meant to beat me down and destroy my spirit. If I was lucky, I just got silence.

    So, when I look around this room, I see families who 'love' one another - really love one another, hell, you actually 'like' each other. And I long for that which I never had - I long for that, which I will never taste...

    If you really knew me, you would ask how your Sundance manages to stay upbeat and mostly positive with all that his life has been. Through abuse, sibling's murder, tornadoes, and three cancers....I keep smilin' and trying to help...hoping that one day, I will finally get mine.

    So, when the end does come and my dad passes, there will be no tears. If any tears are accidentally shed, they will be for the memories of "What COULD have been"...and "What SHOULD have been."

    I could tell you a couple of stories, but I’ve said too much already…

    I will tell you this one. The other day, we went to the hospital. I had to sit downstairs for a few minutes just to get nerve enough to go up there….the day before he pretended like he didn’t know me…would not look at me…would not talk to me…

    Found out, it was because I did not say “bye” the night before….he had gone to sleep, so I just went on home...of course on that day, he made sure to embarrass me in front of his friends….an old trick. Made me look like an **** – and after me and Kim had both taken a ½ day off from work to go and clean out his room at the nursing home.

    It actually gets worse, but I gotta' stop somewhere.

    So, my heart was hurting like I was having a stroke or heart attack…very heavy…hard to breathe etc. etc. And then Kim, sensing the tension and the dread, walked up to me and put her around mine:)

    WTF!

    I about passed out – I haven’t had a touch in such a long time, I had forgotten what it felt like. But, she was actually ‘tender’ to me for those few moments and was really trying to console me…you see, she knows all that has happened….her and my dad don’t get along…and for a lot of obvious reasons.

    So, along with my own health concern and now my dad’s failing health, the news of Lisa’s impending passing and I just sorta went numb. I guess I can only take so much of anything. And I’m so tired of watching my friends die right in front of me.

    Yesterday, I went down with a big ol’ round of vertigo…that stuff cripples the mind and makes you fearful that the next breath will rock your world…that’s what happened…I responded to a pm here and right after that, Whammo! See you tomorrow.

    I hate living like this….I hate living in fear of when my 4th recurrence is coming…I hate living with the fear that my next breath or step is going to leave me dizzy and debilitated. I hate having to fit into the real world when my body is rebelling so. I hate losing all of my friends here that I grew up with to cancer.

    I’m tired….so tired….so tired of fighting for every single thing…I had to fight so hard as a child growing up, raising myself….it was the real reality show of Survivor – and that’s why I am a tough nut to crack….believe me, The Best have all taken their shots and lost.

    I may not be good – but I am stubborn and ornery – I survive because I’ve always had to.

    Big Billy still wants to stop out and visit you…I’ll let him tell you a couple of stories about what’s been happening with the book project.

    I’ll tell you that I got my “1st official rejection” email from one of my prospective agents this past Monday. She let me down nicely. I smiled, because at least she herself responded back to me. The others have hit the delete key.

    I’ve got a good lead on a new agent though…she is “Passionate” about medical subjects. She likes snail mail, so I put together my book proposal, outline, and the first chapter on good stationary and mailed it out with a wing and a prayer.

    I had to enclose a self-addressed envelope so they could mail their reply back to me in 8-9 weeks…what a shame to have to ‘pay’ to receive a rejection, LOL!

    In between all of this madness, I’m trying not to forget about ME – my hopes and dreams with this book project Right now, it’s the only thing that is keeping me buoyed in this current stormy chapter of my life.

    If things ever pop, I’ve got big plans for Big Billy. Wait till you hear what's on Big Billy’s Bucket List – I’m going to let him tell you all about it. The boy is nothing if not imaginative :)

    But knowing him the way that I do – I “know” he can do what he will tell you he wants to do.

    Thanks again, TC…I needed someone to talk to.

    Welcome to all the new folks and best wishes to those currently in the fight. Thanks for listening.

    -Craig

    TO THE FIGHTER
    Hi Craig~

    I loved your post. In fact, it was so real and moving that it made me want to come back this morning and followup on your thread.

    In this new journey that I have been on ~ I try to say the right things, do the right things, be the right things, eat the right things, drink the right things, read the right things and so on and on and it does get tiring and overwhelming. You know...how are you doing, feeling, what's up? I appreciate it but sometimes I want to close the door and shut the world out. My mother is in her final stages of COPD and has made it to 85 years...she is in a nursing home as well. I see her as a little girl now rather than my mom...maybe the vulnerability in our parents and the mistakes of our parents make us realize what an impact they have had on our lives...good, bad or indifferent. For me, it makes me question my placement here on earth. I am a very religious person and believe God has a plan in this journey for me ~ but I don't know what it is yet...I must be patient and wait~

    I believe your journey is writing to people...honestly and from your heart... writing to people and saying what some of us would not dare to say out loud because it may be "socially wrong". I applaude your conviction to be who you are, say what you say, believe what you believe and most of I all I applaude your willingness to help others (like myself) who are in the beginning of this journey. Keep the fight going if not for yourself but for all of us who are following in your footsteps!

    Best of luck on the book and God's blessings to you from Minnesota:)
  • LivinginNH
    LivinginNH Member Posts: 1,456 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    Not An Easy Post to Write...
    In retrospect, I shouldn't have written it.

    I should just have said "all's well" and hit send. But, that's not the truth...and I'm all about the truth. And I'm never afraid to talk about tough subjects, because I feel as a people, that is how we learn - we learn from one another.

    Somtimes, a body has to step out and take a huge risk and expose themselves...those feelings have been shuttered for five decades, only rising now to the surface with all that has been going on.

    We always say that the board is our place to vent - our place that is a safe haven. I just needed to talk and hear from some of my friends. Although I know that I left many not knowing what to say or how to respond...if you just listened, that's good enough for me.

    I sincerely apologize for this post and hope that you can forgive me...and hopefully a couple of you will understand where I'm coming from.

    -c

    Oh Craig...there's

    Oh Craig...there's absolutely no reason to apologize for writing such a heartfelt post. Speaking for myself, and I'm sure many others, we love you, and want to share in your life's experiences - those good and bad. Our life is not entirely about cancer, but rather the many different parts that make us who we are. Your prior post saddened me, but I thank you for sharing your feelings, it makes me feel closer to you. And I think that expressing your feelings and emotions on this board will make it easier for many of us to open up as well - and that's not a bad thing. So as you know, I have a hard time opening up to people - any people - but I'll start off today by saying that I'm completely terrified about Rick's upcoming SECOND HIPEC surgery. I don't look forward to weekends anymore since it they seem to make the clock tick even faster for me. His surgery is in about four weeks, and I'm rather scared about the whole thing happening again, although it's needed.

    HUGS ((()))!!

    Luv,

    Cyn
  • wolfen
    wolfen Member Posts: 1,324 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    Not An Easy Post to Write...
    In retrospect, I shouldn't have written it.

    I should just have said "all's well" and hit send. But, that's not the truth...and I'm all about the truth. And I'm never afraid to talk about tough subjects, because I feel as a people, that is how we learn - we learn from one another.

    Somtimes, a body has to step out and take a huge risk and expose themselves...those feelings have been shuttered for five decades, only rising now to the surface with all that has been going on.

    We always say that the board is our place to vent - our place that is a safe haven. I just needed to talk and hear from some of my friends. Although I know that I left many not knowing what to say or how to respond...if you just listened, that's good enough for me.

    I sincerely apologize for this post and hope that you can forgive me...and hopefully a couple of you will understand where I'm coming from.

    -c

    Craig
    You certainly have no reason to apologize. A person would have to have a "screw loose" not to see that you are truly hurting and cannot remain upbeat 24/7 as you have always been for each and every person here. You are a guiding light for everyone.

    I'm sure we all live in our private hells here for whatever reason. Some of us are just not brave enough or trust enough(as you do) to express them. As we've all said a million times, "This is a family." This is also our cyber home. Here's a quote from a plaque in my kitchen.

    Home is....
    A place where you are loved and can return love.
    A place where people tell you not to do certain things cause they care.
    A place where you feel free to express a feeling without feeling you're out of place.
    A place where you're always welcome.
    A place where you can take off your shoes.
    A place where you can get sympathy when you need it.
    A place where you can get advice.
    A place where you are always forgiven.
    A place where you learn all about sharing.
    Home is love.

    This is home to all of us and we love you.

    "mama" Wolfen
  • toyfox
    toyfox Member Posts: 158 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    Not An Easy Post to Write...
    In retrospect, I shouldn't have written it.

    I should just have said "all's well" and hit send. But, that's not the truth...and I'm all about the truth. And I'm never afraid to talk about tough subjects, because I feel as a people, that is how we learn - we learn from one another.

    Somtimes, a body has to step out and take a huge risk and expose themselves...those feelings have been shuttered for five decades, only rising now to the surface with all that has been going on.

    We always say that the board is our place to vent - our place that is a safe haven. I just needed to talk and hear from some of my friends. Although I know that I left many not knowing what to say or how to respond...if you just listened, that's good enough for me.

    I sincerely apologize for this post and hope that you can forgive me...and hopefully a couple of you will understand where I'm coming from.

    -c

    Told your story
    I'm glad you told your story even though it did sadden us. We need to hear from each other
    weather good or bad. It helps so much to hear words of caring and support from others.
    I'm not gifted or long on words just letting you know I care
    Linda
  • buckeye2
    buckeye2 Member Posts: 428 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    All Points Bulletin - Suspect "On the Run" Has Been Apprehended
    "10-4, the cover is code 3...we've got him detained and in custody, over."

    LOL!

    Thank you, TC, for this post. I appreciate your concern…but my big question to you is, “Did you miss me?” Wait a minute – don’t answer that one – the truth might sting a little too much and you know how sensitive I am, right? :)

    I want to take a minute and thank my “honey-pies” for reaching out to me, at a time in my life when I really needed someone to talk to. Trust is something we earn along the way if we’re very fortunate…the opening of one’s heart and sharing it with other folks, is perhaps the greatest reward that one can give to another. It’s not always easy to trust.

    And so, I trusted…and opened my heart to them…to my surprise, my gals did not run for the hills – instead, they comforted and nurtured – something I’ve been sorely lacking for a long time.

    It’s those kinds of experiences that form the bonds of strong feelings that equate to real friendship. I am blessed to have these kinds of ladies in my life. And it doesn’t matter whether we’ve met or not…because when one swaps real heartaches and stories and you get to know one another, then isn’t that about as real as you can get?

    Ma’ Bell used to say, “Long distance – it’s the next best thing to being there.”

    I was turning back towards the dark side with dark thoughts…the inspiration was gone…the well had suddenly run dry…the voice now eerily silenced…

    I could not be what I wanted to be here with all that is going on, so I thought it better to stay clear of here, until I could once again regain my perspective. I wrote my own posts and replied to others, but chose to hit the delete key in each case….I just did not like the way it sounded. I could tell the hurt and pain I’m experiencing right now was bleeding over and I could not let that happen.

    It was a combination of things really. The news of my 2 new spots on new lung and liver didn’t have time to really sink in, before my dad’s health began to fail him…the last 6-weeks we have been bouncing back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals. So, it has taken all of my available time tending to that.

    It’s much more than a physical task however; there is a raging sea of emotions that are churning inside me…many conflicting emotions as I look at the man, who is my dad and also as the man who I suffered under for 50 years with mental and verbal abuse. A man who expected everything out of me – but put nothing in me.

    A man, whose last marriage ended up breaking up our family and sending my sister to another town, where she was subsequently murdered at 18. A man, who told me that this wife “was the most important thing to ever happen to him in his life.”

    And then she left him 8-years ago when I got cancer and he had a stroke…just got on her broomstick and got the hell out of Dodge.

    I stare back at a fallible man with some degree of bitterness and resentment, as I’m now the “Last of the Mohicans” left now to clean up all of this mess. My dad has not made it easy for me - even in his last days.

    You see, mine is a duty out of responsibility, not out of love. For in order to love, one has to receive love…and I never got love….just the sting of the lash, or the even harder stinging of words meant to beat me down and destroy my spirit. If I was lucky, I just got silence.

    So, when I look around this room, I see families who 'love' one another - really love one another, hell, you actually 'like' each other. And I long for that which I never had - I long for that, which I will never taste...

    If you really knew me, you would ask how your Sundance manages to stay upbeat and mostly positive with all that his life has been. Through abuse, sibling's murder, tornadoes, and three cancers....I keep smilin' and trying to help...hoping that one day, I will finally get mine.

    So, when the end does come and my dad passes, there will be no tears. If any tears are accidentally shed, they will be for the memories of "What COULD have been"...and "What SHOULD have been."

    I could tell you a couple of stories, but I’ve said too much already…

    I will tell you this one. The other day, we went to the hospital. I had to sit downstairs for a few minutes just to get nerve enough to go up there….the day before he pretended like he didn’t know me…would not look at me…would not talk to me…

    Found out, it was because I did not say “bye” the night before….he had gone to sleep, so I just went on home...of course on that day, he made sure to embarrass me in front of his friends….an old trick. Made me look like an **** – and after me and Kim had both taken a ½ day off from work to go and clean out his room at the nursing home.

    It actually gets worse, but I gotta' stop somewhere.

    So, my heart was hurting like I was having a stroke or heart attack…very heavy…hard to breathe etc. etc. And then Kim, sensing the tension and the dread, walked up to me and put her around mine:)

    WTF!

    I about passed out – I haven’t had a touch in such a long time, I had forgotten what it felt like. But, she was actually ‘tender’ to me for those few moments and was really trying to console me…you see, she knows all that has happened….her and my dad don’t get along…and for a lot of obvious reasons.

    So, along with my own health concern and now my dad’s failing health, the news of Lisa’s impending passing and I just sorta went numb. I guess I can only take so much of anything. And I’m so tired of watching my friends die right in front of me.

    Yesterday, I went down with a big ol’ round of vertigo…that stuff cripples the mind and makes you fearful that the next breath will rock your world…that’s what happened…I responded to a pm here and right after that, Whammo! See you tomorrow.

    I hate living like this….I hate living in fear of when my 4th recurrence is coming…I hate living with the fear that my next breath or step is going to leave me dizzy and debilitated. I hate having to fit into the real world when my body is rebelling so. I hate losing all of my friends here that I grew up with to cancer.

    I’m tired….so tired….so tired of fighting for every single thing…I had to fight so hard as a child growing up, raising myself….it was the real reality show of Survivor – and that’s why I am a tough nut to crack….believe me, The Best have all taken their shots and lost.

    I may not be good – but I am stubborn and ornery – I survive because I’ve always had to.

    Big Billy still wants to stop out and visit you…I’ll let him tell you a couple of stories about what’s been happening with the book project.

    I’ll tell you that I got my “1st official rejection” email from one of my prospective agents this past Monday. She let me down nicely. I smiled, because at least she herself responded back to me. The others have hit the delete key.

    I’ve got a good lead on a new agent though…she is “Passionate” about medical subjects. She likes snail mail, so I put together my book proposal, outline, and the first chapter on good stationary and mailed it out with a wing and a prayer.

    I had to enclose a self-addressed envelope so they could mail their reply back to me in 8-9 weeks…what a shame to have to ‘pay’ to receive a rejection, LOL!

    In between all of this madness, I’m trying not to forget about ME – my hopes and dreams with this book project Right now, it’s the only thing that is keeping me buoyed in this current stormy chapter of my life.

    If things ever pop, I’ve got big plans for Big Billy. Wait till you hear what's on Big Billy’s Bucket List – I’m going to let him tell you all about it. The boy is nothing if not imaginative :)

    But knowing him the way that I do – I “know” he can do what he will tell you he wants to do.

    Thanks again, TC…I needed someone to talk to.

    Welcome to all the new folks and best wishes to those currently in the fight. Thanks for listening.

    -Craig

    It's good to have you back
    It's good to have you back even if it means your posts may not be so positive for awhile. There is nothing worse than insincere positivity which most of us are faced with on a daily basis as those who care about us are constantly bombarding us with positive message that do more for them saying it than us hearing it. Lisa
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    toyfox said:

    Told your story
    I'm glad you told your story even though it did sadden us. We need to hear from each other
    weather good or bad. It helps so much to hear words of caring and support from others.
    I'm not gifted or long on words just letting you know I care
    Linda

    Agree Completely, Linda
    And I just happen to be on the 'receiving' end this time. I did need to hear from all of you - and more than you might could imagine...

    I appreciate your concern and I'll take this opportunity to say nice to meetcha:)

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    Oh Craig...there's

    Oh Craig...there's absolutely no reason to apologize for writing such a heartfelt post. Speaking for myself, and I'm sure many others, we love you, and want to share in your life's experiences - those good and bad. Our life is not entirely about cancer, but rather the many different parts that make us who we are. Your prior post saddened me, but I thank you for sharing your feelings, it makes me feel closer to you. And I think that expressing your feelings and emotions on this board will make it easier for many of us to open up as well - and that's not a bad thing. So as you know, I have a hard time opening up to people - any people - but I'll start off today by saying that I'm completely terrified about Rick's upcoming SECOND HIPEC surgery. I don't look forward to weekends anymore since it they seem to make the clock tick even faster for me. His surgery is in about four weeks, and I'm rather scared about the whole thing happening again, although it's needed.

    HUGS ((()))!!

    Luv,

    Cyn

    I've Seen the Changes in You...
    Dearest Cynthia:)

    Look at you! I told you that "I was going to start rubbin' off on you." :)

    You better be careful, or you'll get some all over you:)

    Since I've started talking to you, I've seen you begin to change in the way you post and the lengths of those posts. When we first met, you were the "Consummate One Liner."

    Over time now, I see you beginning to express the real you - the Cynthia that is underneath the daily facade that we project to society. I must tell you that it has been a wonderful, rich experience to witness your personal growth. Watching you grow and step forth has warmed my heart. It’s a blessing for all to see.

    I love the opening of our hearts that 'extra crack' so that the real emotions and thoughts can flow. I've always been one to "throw it on the wall and see if it sticks..."

    To me, that's where the magic lies...taking that extra step to go beyond what seems the norm. By the time, I'm done with you, there won't be much "Puritan" left, LOL!

    It’s great to feel loved and I’ve taken some big chances with sharing my life with other folks here on the board. I love so many of you that have taken a chance with me and I feel a closeness that is so hard to explain – but maybe we shouldn’t analyze and just go with it….”For everything there is a time…”

    And all of our times are NOW…this is who we have NOW – and who will help us get to the next day. I just can’t imagine my life anymore without people like you and everyone else in it.

    My goal has always been to knock on the door to your heart – it’s always up to you, whether you let me in or not…I can’t promise to be anymore than you see already, but we’ll walk through the good and bad – together. There is such comfort in those thoughts.

    Thinking of you and Rick as you come to the next fork in your life journey. The waiting room will be full and I wish I could ease your apprehension, but know that is hard to do. I’ll stand right here with you – unless I got vertigo and can’t stand up, LOL!

    Love and Hugs!

    -Craig
  • lauragb
    lauragb Member Posts: 370 Member
    Sundanceh said:

    All Points Bulletin - Suspect "On the Run" Has Been Apprehended
    "10-4, the cover is code 3...we've got him detained and in custody, over."

    LOL!

    Thank you, TC, for this post. I appreciate your concern…but my big question to you is, “Did you miss me?” Wait a minute – don’t answer that one – the truth might sting a little too much and you know how sensitive I am, right? :)

    I want to take a minute and thank my “honey-pies” for reaching out to me, at a time in my life when I really needed someone to talk to. Trust is something we earn along the way if we’re very fortunate…the opening of one’s heart and sharing it with other folks, is perhaps the greatest reward that one can give to another. It’s not always easy to trust.

    And so, I trusted…and opened my heart to them…to my surprise, my gals did not run for the hills – instead, they comforted and nurtured – something I’ve been sorely lacking for a long time.

    It’s those kinds of experiences that form the bonds of strong feelings that equate to real friendship. I am blessed to have these kinds of ladies in my life. And it doesn’t matter whether we’ve met or not…because when one swaps real heartaches and stories and you get to know one another, then isn’t that about as real as you can get?

    Ma’ Bell used to say, “Long distance – it’s the next best thing to being there.”

    I was turning back towards the dark side with dark thoughts…the inspiration was gone…the well had suddenly run dry…the voice now eerily silenced…

    I could not be what I wanted to be here with all that is going on, so I thought it better to stay clear of here, until I could once again regain my perspective. I wrote my own posts and replied to others, but chose to hit the delete key in each case….I just did not like the way it sounded. I could tell the hurt and pain I’m experiencing right now was bleeding over and I could not let that happen.

    It was a combination of things really. The news of my 2 new spots on new lung and liver didn’t have time to really sink in, before my dad’s health began to fail him…the last 6-weeks we have been bouncing back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals. So, it has taken all of my available time tending to that.

    It’s much more than a physical task however; there is a raging sea of emotions that are churning inside me…many conflicting emotions as I look at the man, who is my dad and also as the man who I suffered under for 50 years with mental and verbal abuse. A man who expected everything out of me – but put nothing in me.

    A man, whose last marriage ended up breaking up our family and sending my sister to another town, where she was subsequently murdered at 18. A man, who told me that this wife “was the most important thing to ever happen to him in his life.”

    And then she left him 8-years ago when I got cancer and he had a stroke…just got on her broomstick and got the hell out of Dodge.

    I stare back at a fallible man with some degree of bitterness and resentment, as I’m now the “Last of the Mohicans” left now to clean up all of this mess. My dad has not made it easy for me - even in his last days.

    You see, mine is a duty out of responsibility, not out of love. For in order to love, one has to receive love…and I never got love….just the sting of the lash, or the even harder stinging of words meant to beat me down and destroy my spirit. If I was lucky, I just got silence.

    So, when I look around this room, I see families who 'love' one another - really love one another, hell, you actually 'like' each other. And I long for that which I never had - I long for that, which I will never taste...

    If you really knew me, you would ask how your Sundance manages to stay upbeat and mostly positive with all that his life has been. Through abuse, sibling's murder, tornadoes, and three cancers....I keep smilin' and trying to help...hoping that one day, I will finally get mine.

    So, when the end does come and my dad passes, there will be no tears. If any tears are accidentally shed, they will be for the memories of "What COULD have been"...and "What SHOULD have been."

    I could tell you a couple of stories, but I’ve said too much already…

    I will tell you this one. The other day, we went to the hospital. I had to sit downstairs for a few minutes just to get nerve enough to go up there….the day before he pretended like he didn’t know me…would not look at me…would not talk to me…

    Found out, it was because I did not say “bye” the night before….he had gone to sleep, so I just went on home...of course on that day, he made sure to embarrass me in front of his friends….an old trick. Made me look like an **** – and after me and Kim had both taken a ½ day off from work to go and clean out his room at the nursing home.

    It actually gets worse, but I gotta' stop somewhere.

    So, my heart was hurting like I was having a stroke or heart attack…very heavy…hard to breathe etc. etc. And then Kim, sensing the tension and the dread, walked up to me and put her around mine:)

    WTF!

    I about passed out – I haven’t had a touch in such a long time, I had forgotten what it felt like. But, she was actually ‘tender’ to me for those few moments and was really trying to console me…you see, she knows all that has happened….her and my dad don’t get along…and for a lot of obvious reasons.

    So, along with my own health concern and now my dad’s failing health, the news of Lisa’s impending passing and I just sorta went numb. I guess I can only take so much of anything. And I’m so tired of watching my friends die right in front of me.

    Yesterday, I went down with a big ol’ round of vertigo…that stuff cripples the mind and makes you fearful that the next breath will rock your world…that’s what happened…I responded to a pm here and right after that, Whammo! See you tomorrow.

    I hate living like this….I hate living in fear of when my 4th recurrence is coming…I hate living with the fear that my next breath or step is going to leave me dizzy and debilitated. I hate having to fit into the real world when my body is rebelling so. I hate losing all of my friends here that I grew up with to cancer.

    I’m tired….so tired….so tired of fighting for every single thing…I had to fight so hard as a child growing up, raising myself….it was the real reality show of Survivor – and that’s why I am a tough nut to crack….believe me, The Best have all taken their shots and lost.

    I may not be good – but I am stubborn and ornery – I survive because I’ve always had to.

    Big Billy still wants to stop out and visit you…I’ll let him tell you a couple of stories about what’s been happening with the book project.

    I’ll tell you that I got my “1st official rejection” email from one of my prospective agents this past Monday. She let me down nicely. I smiled, because at least she herself responded back to me. The others have hit the delete key.

    I’ve got a good lead on a new agent though…she is “Passionate” about medical subjects. She likes snail mail, so I put together my book proposal, outline, and the first chapter on good stationary and mailed it out with a wing and a prayer.

    I had to enclose a self-addressed envelope so they could mail their reply back to me in 8-9 weeks…what a shame to have to ‘pay’ to receive a rejection, LOL!

    In between all of this madness, I’m trying not to forget about ME – my hopes and dreams with this book project Right now, it’s the only thing that is keeping me buoyed in this current stormy chapter of my life.

    If things ever pop, I’ve got big plans for Big Billy. Wait till you hear what's on Big Billy’s Bucket List – I’m going to let him tell you all about it. The boy is nothing if not imaginative :)

    But knowing him the way that I do – I “know” he can do what he will tell you he wants to do.

    Thanks again, TC…I needed someone to talk to.

    Welcome to all the new folks and best wishes to those currently in the fight. Thanks for listening.

    -Craig

    You are one resilient dude.
    You are one resilient dude. Your post saddened me but I'm glad you felt you could put it out here. One never knows what others have gone through and are going through. I am sending you a cyber hug although I know it's not the same as feeling a real touch.

    Keep your hopes and dreams.

    Laura
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    wolfen said:

    Craig
    You certainly have no reason to apologize. A person would have to have a "screw loose" not to see that you are truly hurting and cannot remain upbeat 24/7 as you have always been for each and every person here. You are a guiding light for everyone.

    I'm sure we all live in our private hells here for whatever reason. Some of us are just not brave enough or trust enough(as you do) to express them. As we've all said a million times, "This is a family." This is also our cyber home. Here's a quote from a plaque in my kitchen.

    Home is....
    A place where you are loved and can return love.
    A place where people tell you not to do certain things cause they care.
    A place where you feel free to express a feeling without feeling you're out of place.
    A place where you're always welcome.
    A place where you can take off your shoes.
    A place where you can get sympathy when you need it.
    A place where you can get advice.
    A place where you are always forgiven.
    A place where you learn all about sharing.
    Home is love.

    This is home to all of us and we love you.

    "mama" Wolfen

    "Mama"
    You've gotten to know me so well...can't fool you, can I?

    It has been really great this time around getting to know you. I just love the sharing and swapping stories...I think that for whatever reason, I can talk about things in a certain way - and then that encourages the other person to open up and share. Nothing gives me as much of a buzz as that.

    I loved this poem...had to wipe a few tears (damm allergies) LOL!

    I do feel the love - and I know that is SINCERE and not canned. And for me, that's what I live for. Because, aren't we all better when we talk openly? Doesn't it do something to you that transforms you back to where you want to be?

    It's that "unburdening" that makes it so therapeutical. That shouting or crying out - that says I'm here, I'm hurt...but with your help, I can be okay once again.

    I've never put myself up there as invincibile....it's too far of a fall.

    I love it here, despite all of the things I know we face...and I just want you all to know that I love you too.

    Tell 'Sis' hi for me....I'm so glad to see closeness between families...I used to be so jealous and to a point, I am envious, but in a good way. I know all too well what a life unloved can do to a person.

    I'm fortunate that I've been able to overcome my past and not be swallowed up with bitterness and hatred. I could have folded my tent many times along the way....but I've got a lot of love to give - and just need somebody to give it to.

    -Craig
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    dasspears said:

    No apology needed....
    Your friends are always here for you. Vent away!

    My husband went through a similar scenario with his father 2 years ago. It took a huge toll on him emotionally and physically to deal with a father who was ill and needed assistance yet was an alcoholic and abusive to his children when they were growing up. There were tears when he died but not sure if they were for sadness or relief.

    Hi D:)
    Nice to hear from you...even more important is your message to me, which confirms that there are many hurtful stories out there....as children, we don't have much control...as adults, we begin to look back at a certain point and see the travesty that was done...and try to make the best out of our lives.

    I've heard the word 'forgiveness' used...I'll have to work on that one:)

    Thanks for your reaffirming message and my best to you. Thank you for being a friend to me.

    -Craig