loss of spouse support

need support
need support Member Posts: 40
edited February 2012 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Last april I found out I had stage 3b colon cancer. At 52 years old, I was prepared for the fight of my life. Actually after 9 months and going through surgery and 6 months of chemotherapy, I actually feel pretty good. My wife who supported me so well in the beginning started to get upset with me I didn't seek help sooner having some signs of having a problem. Wasn't long before she was making weekly trips back to her home town. In the mean time I've spent the entire time making sure she would be financially secure along with planning out many things should my cancer reoccur. While this past week after several sleepless nights my wife confessed she had rekindled a relationship from her past. She was 17 at the time and is now 47 and I find it hard to believe she has such strong feelings towards this person. We had a great family and I am currently setup to seek some psychological help to get through this. She was always a great wife and mother and I'm not sure how to handle this. All of a sudden fighting my cancer battle has taken a back seat to all that has been exposed the last several days. I just need someone to talk to
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Comments

  • Minnesotagirl
    Minnesotagirl Member Posts: 141
    Need someoen to talk to...
    Dear Need Support,

    I am so very sorry to hear of your wifes poor decision. I feel so very bad that your spouse has made this choice ~ she must be scared ~ and no doubt about it...this cancer is scary stuff! On the positive side of things...isn't it great that you are a cancer survivor!
    Life is a gift ( I can tell you believe that in the way your first paragraph is written). As you found your "new normal" after cancer you will also find your "new normal" in this difficult time in your life as well. I only wish you the best but please remember to keep yourself healthy during this time so the "beast" stays away. God's blessings to you~

    Minnesotagirl
  • need support
    need support Member Posts: 40

    Need someoen to talk to...
    Dear Need Support,

    I am so very sorry to hear of your wifes poor decision. I feel so very bad that your spouse has made this choice ~ she must be scared ~ and no doubt about it...this cancer is scary stuff! On the positive side of things...isn't it great that you are a cancer survivor!
    Life is a gift ( I can tell you believe that in the way your first paragraph is written). As you found your "new normal" after cancer you will also find your "new normal" in this difficult time in your life as well. I only wish you the best but please remember to keep yourself healthy during this time so the "beast" stays away. God's blessings to you~

    Minnesotagirl

    thank you!!
    I've always been very quiet about my personal life. I feel the only way to deal with something like this, is to just openly talk about it. Not sure if putting my picture on here was a good idea or not but I feel i'll deal with this head on just like I did my cancer. Thanks for your kind words
  • plh4gail
    plh4gail Member Posts: 1,238 Member
    I know its not even close to
    I know its not even close to being the same, but at my diagnosis I a year and half ago I was 46. I was in a 4 year relationship with the man I was intending to spend the rest of my life with. We talked all the loving marriage stuff. At my diagnosis he stopped seeing me, calling me...everything. I tried to explain my fears and needs and he told me "I dont like to be told what to say, what to do, or when to call".

    I am so sorry that your wife is also having a poor judgment at this time. It may have started before you realized it. It does hurt for quite awhile but it will get easier as you get stronger. I think she will see her mistake, but it might be too late if the damage is done.

    I think the counseling is a good idea. Your health has to come first now for you and your kids and that means to find ways to ease the stress.

    plh4gail
  • Brenda Bricco
    Brenda Bricco Member Posts: 579 Member
    Welcome Need Support,
    Yikes!

    Welcome Need Support,
    Yikes! as if things aren't tough enough fighting cancer you get your heart broke in the middle of it. It's good that you posted... I suspect that you probably felt a little better just by posting.
    I have had my Husband's family thank me many times for not leaving him to which I was sort of shocked at. I was almost offended that they would say such a thing until his sister said that I wouldn't believe how many people do walk because they can not handle the situation. Honestly, I wish I could run away from the whole cancer situation but I wouldn't want to go with out him.
    I am sorry you are going through all of this and I hope it all works out for you. I imagine she is scared and didn't react to the fear as well as we might hope are partners in this life would.
    Hang in there and do not put your health on a back seat, no matter what happens between you and your wife your children will always need their Dad. :)
    God bless you.
    Brenda
  • need support
    need support Member Posts: 40
    plh4gail said:

    I know its not even close to
    I know its not even close to being the same, but at my diagnosis I a year and half ago I was 46. I was in a 4 year relationship with the man I was intending to spend the rest of my life with. We talked all the loving marriage stuff. At my diagnosis he stopped seeing me, calling me...everything. I tried to explain my fears and needs and he told me "I dont like to be told what to say, what to do, or when to call".

    I am so sorry that your wife is also having a poor judgment at this time. It may have started before you realized it. It does hurt for quite awhile but it will get easier as you get stronger. I think she will see her mistake, but it might be too late if the damage is done.

    I think the counseling is a good idea. Your health has to come first now for you and your kids and that means to find ways to ease the stress.

    plh4gail

    thanks for replying.
    I'm not to much into this internet and my computer literacy is marginal at best, but I live in a small rural town in PA and not many people to talk to about situations like this. I was at church today and thinking of a way to reach out and talk to some folks that may be going through similiar situations or just dealing with the stresses of cancer. I was hoping to find a few friends to just talk too. After all the doctor appointments in 2011 I never thought seeing a psychologist would have been on my list, but after 27 years of marriage and 2 great children, I just don't won't to get angry and make matters worse. I tried to fall asleep this past 2 hours but having a hard time, was nice to see your response. thank you!!!!
  • Sonia32
    Sonia32 Member Posts: 1,071 Member
    Big hugs
    I'm so sorry about what you have been through and still are. I think cancer changes the majority of relationships, I know mine did. Some partners can cope, others can't, even those who think they can cope sometimes break down later on. You have come to the right place for support, we can all relate to you in one way or another.
  • ron50
    ron50 Member Posts: 1,723 Member
    G'day
    Except for the name and a few other changes the story is the same one. Funny how songs always capture our lives. I was 48 at DX stage 3c. My wife was ok for a while but she had a lot of baggage from her past and she became tired of my constant illness. She started to spend alot of time away in another town with supposed work friends. As in your case it was an old flame and thus ended my marriage. That was around six years go. I have survived the heartache and the cancer. I have stayed friends with my wife and have done all the right things. I think she realises now that the other geass certainly isn't greener and perhaps one day we will get back togeather. Keep the peace and work on getting well. Then work on being friends with your wife.PS I am 14 yrs clear of cancer,All the best Ron.
  • Jane822
    Jane822 Member Posts: 50
    Betrayed
    As if you didn't have enough to worry about. You know the expression.......when the going gets tough.......Right now, your first priority is taking care of yourself and getting better. You have your children and they must be feeling very scared and vulnerabe(even more so than you) to have their life turned upside down. I think the counseling is an excellent idea. Take advantage of every resource available to take care of yourself both emotionally and physically and don't hesitate to reach out to others. You'll be amazed how many love you and will support you.
  • tommycat
    tommycat Member Posts: 790 Member
    Well you've certainly come
    Well you've certainly come to one of the right places to help sort out your feelings. Welcome to the Board~
  • jasminsaba
    jasminsaba Member Posts: 157 Member
    Unfortunately ...
    one of the most important things my mom's cancer has taught me is that human beings are selfishly disappointing ... there are no words I can offer to you that would lessen your pain but you should (and likely do) recognize that you deserve better than this.
  • lauragb
    lauragb Member Posts: 370 Member
    I am so sorry to hear you
    I am so sorry to hear you are going through all of this right now. I am glad you are feeling physically well. Please continue to take care of yourself and your psyche. Counseling can be very helpful when you need to sort out your feelings. I'm glad you posted on here. There are so many folks on here that will be here to listen when you need more support.
    Take care. Sending light and prayers your way.

    Laura
  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
    Welcome:
    I'm sorry your wife is not as supportive as she should be. Geez, blaming you for getting cancer, well, thats just dumb. No one chooses to have cancer. I'm glad to hear you are seeking help getting your feelings in order. You have cancer, you MUST be number one without question. If your wife can't handle your disease and all that comes with it well, boo hoo, she needs a kick in the rear end.

    If she wants to stay and work it out that is teriffic if you are able to get past it. If she is unsure, well, tell her don't let the door hit your **** on the way out and change the locks. She has a choice, she can stay or go but she simply can't have it both ways.

    My hubby is the one with cancer. Do I want my old life before cancer back, well of course. Is that gonna happen, no. Walking out or crying boo hoo for me was never an option and never crossed my mind. Remember you are the one with cancer. You are the one that needs a supportive partner. This cancer journey is a tough one and if she can't tough it out with you as a team then you really need to dig deep as to what is best for you and you alone.

    I wish you the best and hopefully your wife will come to her senses that life is not always greener on the other side. You marriage can be saved if this is something you both want but no more out of town trips.

    Take care - Tina
  • pscott1
    pscott1 Member Posts: 207 Member
    I think everyone's advice is right on....
    You have to worry about you. Your kids will be there; you'll find that you can lean on them much more than you thought. In fact, I think it makes my girls stronger. It's probably kind of weird to say but, my focus on my relationship with my guy took the back burner when I was diagnosed. And even now, a year later, I feel like I have to focus my energy on being around for my kids more than anthing else. I'm sorry she broke your heart; I think we all have experienced that pain. But you, I'm sure like all of us, want to beat this cancer. Focus on doing all you can to fight this fight. It is what it is and if she decides to come back, that's great; if she doesn't, then you're all the better for it if that's her true feelings. Being the partner of one that has cancer is a very frightening position to be in. The same way we have had to adjust to having cancer, our partners have to deal with it in their own way as well. Hang in there. You came to the right place for support. This board is full of caring and giving people. Keep fighting!
  • need support
    need support Member Posts: 40
    pscott1 said:

    I think everyone's advice is right on....
    You have to worry about you. Your kids will be there; you'll find that you can lean on them much more than you thought. In fact, I think it makes my girls stronger. It's probably kind of weird to say but, my focus on my relationship with my guy took the back burner when I was diagnosed. And even now, a year later, I feel like I have to focus my energy on being around for my kids more than anthing else. I'm sorry she broke your heart; I think we all have experienced that pain. But you, I'm sure like all of us, want to beat this cancer. Focus on doing all you can to fight this fight. It is what it is and if she decides to come back, that's great; if she doesn't, then you're all the better for it if that's her true feelings. Being the partner of one that has cancer is a very frightening position to be in. The same way we have had to adjust to having cancer, our partners have to deal with it in their own way as well. Hang in there. You came to the right place for support. This board is full of caring and giving people. Keep fighting!

    Thanks everyone, I'm truly blessed to find this sight
    I'm simply overwhelmed by everyone's encouragement,thank you so much, I just wished I would of known about this sight 9 months ago. Ok i'm knew to this stuff, never joined a discussion forum or facebook or anything like that. What is my next step, it took me an hour just to get a photo on here. I'm not real happy with the user name I picked either "need support", is there a way to change it? It's a shame my kids are so good at this, I just always let them handle these computer situations. Only problem is at this time I have not confronted them about their mom, they are not kids anymore being 20 and 26 but I just don't have heart to tell them right now. I'll at least wait until my first appointment and see what my therapist says to do. Sad thing, a therapist is the last thing I think I need, but it may help reduce some anxiety. Honestly, I can't thank everyone enough for their support, it's been a tough 9 months as many of you know that are dealing with cancer let alone a situation like this. I'm a forgiving person, but I will never forget this ordeal. I hope to hear from many more of you on this board. I honestly do need help with this setup, what other screens should I go into or are there ways to "friend" people on this sight. thanks again, chuck
  • Carl_Renee
    Carl_Renee Member Posts: 84
    lots of support here
    My comment is basically same as Brenda. I am sure she is scared. we are 1 1/2 yrs in with my husbands cancer journey. Started out as colorectal he really hasn't felt good since and last month dx with liver cancer and we currently sit in ICU due to complications from the surgery 6 days ago. Where I want to run away from the cancer I want it to just get out of our lives, I couldn't imagine leaving my husband over something he had no control over. Maybe someone is coming your way that understands and willing to be by your side. For now take care of you, your kids and just don't let this drag you down or your health will suffer as a result.

    Renee
  • joemetz
    joemetz Member Posts: 493
    ron50 said:

    G'day
    Except for the name and a few other changes the story is the same one. Funny how songs always capture our lives. I was 48 at DX stage 3c. My wife was ok for a while but she had a lot of baggage from her past and she became tired of my constant illness. She started to spend alot of time away in another town with supposed work friends. As in your case it was an old flame and thus ended my marriage. That was around six years go. I have survived the heartache and the cancer. I have stayed friends with my wife and have done all the right things. I think she realises now that the other geass certainly isn't greener and perhaps one day we will get back togeather. Keep the peace and work on getting well. Then work on being friends with your wife.PS I am 14 yrs clear of cancer,All the best Ron.

    G'day... Ron50. GREAT reply!

    Ron50

    this was an excellent response.
    too many times people don't remain friends and for the health of any kids, its so important.
  • kmygil
    kmygil Member Posts: 876 Member
    My 2 cents
    Just to put in my 2 cents, I think your wife is missing an amazing opportunity. It's not every day we get a chance to be a blessing to someone else on such a large scale. Her rekindling of her past relationship is a form of running away from responsibility and her vows. Perhaps she'll grow up. If not, she's obviously missing out on being with an amazing person. Hang in there.
    Hugs,
    Kirsten
  • tommycat
    tommycat Member Posts: 790 Member

    Thanks everyone, I'm truly blessed to find this sight
    I'm simply overwhelmed by everyone's encouragement,thank you so much, I just wished I would of known about this sight 9 months ago. Ok i'm knew to this stuff, never joined a discussion forum or facebook or anything like that. What is my next step, it took me an hour just to get a photo on here. I'm not real happy with the user name I picked either "need support", is there a way to change it? It's a shame my kids are so good at this, I just always let them handle these computer situations. Only problem is at this time I have not confronted them about their mom, they are not kids anymore being 20 and 26 but I just don't have heart to tell them right now. I'll at least wait until my first appointment and see what my therapist says to do. Sad thing, a therapist is the last thing I think I need, but it may help reduce some anxiety. Honestly, I can't thank everyone enough for their support, it's been a tough 9 months as many of you know that are dealing with cancer let alone a situation like this. I'm a forgiving person, but I will never forget this ordeal. I hope to hear from many more of you on this board. I honestly do need help with this setup, what other screens should I go into or are there ways to "friend" people on this sight. thanks again, chuck

    When you are dx with cancer,
    When you are dx with cancer, the dx might as well then say, "and soon some anxiety and most likely some depression."
    How could you be human and not be anxious and scared after being diagnosed?
    Believe it or not, you will figure out a way to get through all this stuff.
    Believe it.
  • karguy
    karguy Member Posts: 1,020 Member
    Needs support
    I'm sorry you have to go thru your situation,but it happens alot.I know of alot of spouses who couldn't get out the door fast enough.I guess it must not have meant much when people say for better,or worse.You have survived cancer,and you must stay strong for your kids,and yourself.It will be hard,but you have to stay strong,and survive.You must never give up no matter what.I will survive no matter what,and you must too.Good luck.
  • karguy
    karguy Member Posts: 1,020 Member
    Needs support
    I'm sorry you have to go thru your situation,but it happens alot.I know of alot of spouses who couldn't get out the door fast enough.I guess it must not have meant much when people say for better,or worse.You have survived cancer,and you must stay strong for your kids,and yourself.It will be hard,but you have to stay strong,and survive.You must never give up no matter what.I will survive no matter what,and you must too.Good luck.