Are You Suffering From Post Traumatic Stress?

It's only been a little over a month
Wow I think right now I'm bouncing back and forth with 2 and 3. It's only been a little over a month since I lost my mom and phase 1 happened immediately upon the first signs something was wrong with her health. Instinct told me things were real bad. By the time we finally heard the word "cancer" we'd been through so much additional horror and horror is the only word to describe it we had actually become numb and remained in shock.

I carried phase 1 with me day and night the entire 9 months she was ill. I honestly think I was in denial or was running from the fact that she really was going to be gone before the year was over. The moment of her death every emotion I pushed away and every image I desperately tried to remove so I could focus on her comfort came crashing back. I thought it wouldn't because the exhaustion I experienced seemed to block all of that so well. I think I even mentioned it hear that as I looked at her dead body it was like a slow panning out to the final scene of a movie and all I kept saying was.. I can't believe it. Over and over.

I thought I'd done so well being organized and keeping it together enough so that I thought I'd find comfort that she was no longer suffering and instead I found instantly you just can't script the reality of how you will feel when they really are gone. I have horrible vivid flashbacks and overwhelming levels of emotion that come out of nowhere. I've woken up hearing her voice calling me and instinctively I'll think I'm back to care providing mode and jump up only to look around and see all signs of my home being transformed into a hospital ward are gone and so is she.

I call this feeling a veil of so much deep saddness I try my damndest to keep it looming above my head so to speak for as long as I can knowing eventually it will come crashing down on me and when it does it feels like it just invades my whole body in waves rippling through me. I can't even describe the type of crying I experience. It's so deep I can only say my soul is weeping. There are moments no matter what I do I have to fight the thought I will never experience joy since she is no longer here to share my joys with so I do feel hopeless. I won't lie.

I've thought of suicide just to finally resolve all the dispair and misery I've carried day after day hour after hour. I've even thought if I leave a proper letter to explain I wasn't giving up I just came to the conclusion I can't carry this type of loss for the rest of my life. Misery is an understatement. Then there is that moment that says don't do it. Where that instinct to move fwd comes from I don't know but I suspect it's my mom flowing through my blood telling me to hold on.

I can't explain the type of fatigue I'm experiencing these days. It's 1:30 in the morning as I type this but my mind seems to zoom late at night. However, when I do finally get any sleep it lasts for two hours and I'll wake up with my heart racing and if I can get back to sleep it's an additional 4 or 5 and yet I'm still feeling absolutely exhausted. I am aware I probably do need a good months daily rest as the last 9 months I got next to none at all. When I get busy doing things a sudden feeling as if weights are on me comes out of nowhere. Usually I'd push through that lethargic feeling but for now I am pampering myself in that one area. If I feel tired I rest right then. I'm usually always exhausted at my new job but to be honest I don't care. I'm there to make money to pay bills and find zero joy in it. I've done that type of a routine now for almost a year where you just work on autopilot to get it all done. It's like I was trained for that lifestyle now.

As for social things that is also an issue with me. Most days I want to be left alone. A year ago I was a social butterfly. Now I fake being happy when I am talking to someone but inside I'm always thinking get away from me. I shop at very odd hours to avoid seeing anyone in the store that may know me. My mom, well my entire family, is very well known in our community so I've even traveled a distance to buy grocerys to avoid running into anyone. I hate the same comments. She's better off, now you can focus on yourself, so what are your plans now? as if it's done and over so get on with life and I'm suppose to be excited about this new journey without my moms Cancer being an issue blah blah blah... Oh if it were that easy. I'd love to hand them all of it and then they'd understand how her death was no gift for a brand new magically deliscious life for me. I hate that I just smile and don't really say whats on my mind when I hear that b.s.

The hospice social worker told me I should go see my Dr to help with the sleeping issues and that I should also consider some form of counciling. I know she's right. I hate the idea of taking a pill but I do know I need the rest. Venting is always good so the counciling should be considered as well but I don't think right now I want anyone inside of me to know what I'm feeling. Unless they've seen these things and unless they've taken lifes complete journey the way I have always looking out after someone who would end up dying so visciously I feel they aren't going to get this loss. So again I'd feel all alone.

I hate this. I hate that my entire immediate family is gone ( Brother, Dad, and now Mom ) I look at old pictures of all of us and I'm shocked I'm the only one left. I don't like this role. It's empty but every time I feel this way I can see and hear my mom saying... "It's going to be ok"