Can't cope with mum's death

I lost my mum last month. She had stage IV NSCLC but died from an infection while on chemotherapy. Even though I miss her so much, I can somehow handle that part of it.
I just can't cope with how she must have felt when she was dying, knowing she was leaving us all. I'm haunted by the images of her suffering during her last five days in hospital, getting weaker and unable to talk or breath properly, crying and eventually so frightened she was given morphine to calm her down. Seeing my lovely mum suffer like that has finished me, I cry every day thinking about what she went through.
Then after she passed, we had to go home and face seeing her handbag and coat hanging up where she left it, looking at her empty bed and all her possessions. It just seems so cruel that she was taken out of her home, put through that trauma and is now buried in the ground.
I'd appreciate comments from anyone who has been affected by this. It's not so much that my mum is gone. I get that. I just cannot handle the fact she suffered at the end the way she did and I can't bear the thought that she won't be back in her own home. I'm 37 and single. My mum was everything to me.


  • Wangari
    Wangari Member Posts: 19
    I can relate
    I lost my mum in April and I totally understand how you feel. We took her to hospital when she started getting breathing problems. That was the last time she was home. Like you,the hardest part is dealing with how much she suffered. We still haven't moved anything in my parents room. I still don't have the strength to do it. Everytime I think of doing it, I just break down. Maybe one day, we as a family will be able to but until then we're taking it one day at a time.

    I pray you find peace dear. Grieve as you want to not what people tell you to do. Find comfort with the rest of your family.

    Love Grace.
  • JoeyMac22
    JoeyMac22 Member Posts: 1
    I understand what you're
    I understand what you're saying, I lost my mom a little over a year ago. This is what I have told myself when these thoughts consume me.

    Her suffering was a very small portion of her beautiful life.
    Her suffering is over now.

    It's true, my mom suffered, we did the best we could to manage her pain...and for the most part we did a good job...but there's other suffering too. Emotional suffering. We want to "fix it" and we can't and couldn't.

    I talk to my mom all the time...I believe she hears me.

    You are a wonderful daughter, you wanted to take away your mom's pain...that shows your deep love for her. I'm an adult too. I used to think if I lost my parents but I was a "grown up" it would be better...and I suppose it is better, but it's still so hard.

    Try to stop focusing on her suffering, it's over, she's at you need to heal and find some peace too. I wish you the best...