Vertigo - Is It Just That? Or a Stroke (TIA)? Or mCRC to the Brain?

7-years ago when I first got cancer and got out of the hospital, I began to get vertigo. The first time was so intense and I had no idea what it was, that I was scared out of my mind and thought for sure I was going to die.

Many hearing tests, diagnostic tests, and MRI’s etc, the doctors thought it might be Meneire’s Disease, which is an inner ear condition that drastically affects your hearing, and knocks off your equilibrium so bad, that balance was almost non-existent. It attacks every other year or so it seems, taking more of my hearing and giving me those horrendous bouts of vertigo.

The condition will finally come to a resolution when I go deaf in the one ear – then, the attacks stop. Nice to know if I live through cancer, that I can look forward to that. But, at least I won’t be dizzy anymore, LOL:)

The last 6-8 weeks, I’ve had over 20 episodes of this madness. It’s very debilitating as you can imagine. Kim usually has to come get me at work and drive me home, because I just can’t drive or steady myself too well.

Well, today I hit a crescendo and had the worst attack I believe I ever had. I was barely at work 30 minutes and BANG! I was just reading text on my work pc and everything went gaga and sideways.

When it’s real bad, you sweat profusely and get nauseous and throw up. Today, all of that, but it was so bad I could not open my eyes and when I did, it looked like the Indy 500 with everything whizzing by.

My co-workers witnessed it, although I was sitting next to them being quiet and pretending nothing was wrong…but they’ve seen spells before but not this severe. I think one of the guys went to tell my manager, who came into the lab shortly thereafter and found me sweating, wobbly with my head over a trash can, because I could not physically stand up.

I could tell they were kind of scared and said WE are going to drive you home, let’s go now. I could not walk on my own or keep my balance. One of the guys had to prop me up and I was wobbling all over, even with help.

It was so embarrassing and such a helpless feeling. They took me home and I got into bed, this episode lasted 10 hours, but the longest one I’ve had went 28 hours of total bed rest. It used to happen every week in the old days, but this year it has been happening EVERY day and sometimes 2 and 3 times a day.

In my time on this board, I have never used the word SCARED. I’m a veteran fighter after all and I’ve been around the block on more than one occasion.

So, I won’t start now by telling you I’m scared. Rather, I’m “concerned and apprehensive” after today’s go round. One’s mind can begin to wander on what’s really going on.

Colorectal cancer’s path usually involved colon or rectum – to liver – to lung – to brain, possibly stopping off at the bone as a detour.

I’m on whistle stop #3 in the lung and the brain has always been a big concern for me, ever since my cancer went to the lung. I used to talk to Jennie about the “Crazy Colon Train” in reference to the stops I mention above.

In the chapter I’m about to start writing, I’m going to pose the question, “Is there anything that you are scared of?” In there, I’m going to reveal the one thing that really scares Craig, Big Billy, or Sundance.

I’ve watched 3 fine folks from this board perish with mCRC mets to the brain. I’ve talked extensively at length with my onc about this most sobering topic.

There is NO CURE for mCRC mets to the brain. It’s not really even treatable. Primary brain cancer has a better chance than our cancers would. Just too fast growing and not enough wiggle room in the cranium.

You know what bothers me the most? Not so much that I could die and would die as a result if this is what it is. That would suk, but at least my ride would be over.

No, what bothers me is that I know that I won’t be the same person that many of you have come to know. That the one thing I’ve got left in this world (writing) would be stripped away and I would be walking zombie unable to relay my thoughts to you or anyone else. My voice would be stilled, my thoughts only a memory.

Okay, so that’s what really scares me.

We’re getting a referral from my onc for an ENT at the hospital so we can see what is going on. I guess if any of you would like to cross your fingers, I’m down with that:)

And this is the reason why I’ve been pushing on my book so hard these past 3 ½ months….I’m all too aware how the game can change and how limited an opportunity may exist.

It’s important to me to finish my novel and try and get it published, especially if I were to perish. This would be my legacy, my life’s work….and the last thing I could leave my friends and mankind to say that I was here – and tried to make a difference.

I hope it is Meneire’s, because that would be bad, but I would be alive. I’ve always tried and portrayed Superman type strength, so that I could shine a ray of hope to everybody and because I believed in myself and thought I could overcome.

It would sadden me to die now, before I had a chance to try for this book dream. I would miss all of you terribly.

As a make-believe “doctor”, I feel like I can diagnose and know what this is…but a part of me is still not sure. I’ve made some mistakes before – and some pretty big ones…..just ask “Angel” about that one.

Well, I just needed someone to talk to this evening. I’ll try and put this out of my head, LOL:) and get on with the business of tracking this thing down and seeing if we can come up with an answer.

It’s hard living your life each day, wondering if the wheels are going to come right out underneath you. I’ve been getting these spells despite taking Dramamime daily.

If this is not cancer, and Meneire’s, it’s just one more thing besides cancer that I must fight to overcome or at least deal with. The only real solution has been to get in a bed, close your eyes, turn the ceiling fan on, and be still, and ride it out until it passes.

I guess let’s just hope that is what it is and not a met. Last year, I wrote my "Farewell Post" to you in my head a 1000 times on what the last words I would ever ever say to you again, but have not put them into words on a page. That’s a post we can save until the time really comes.

If it’s not cancer then it’s something else….THIS DAY was a sharp contrast to the day I spent at the track meeting legendary John Force. I have no idea why I got THAT DAY "off" from vertigo spells, but I was being "given one" that day and that's why it was so memorable.

Why is that whenever Craig tries to smile, this dam* world does its best to slap that smile off my face?

Love – Craig