hubby stage iv. don't know if I can stay strong.

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  • keystone
    keystone Member Posts: 134 Member
    marqimark said:

    Vent
    The doc that did the colonoscopy came out and told my wife and I that I had cancer.
    My wife cried, I said "okay".
    I figured I was so young (55) the cancer couldn't be too far along.
    My wife started crying when the surgeon told us that there were 4 of 33 lymph nodes involved.
    She had done the research and knew that wasn't good.
    I, on the other hand, was ignorant and had to ask if that was bad.
    Ignorance is bliss in my case.

    My point is, the spouse feels less in control, less able to affect the outcome of treatment.
    Myself, I just decided to push forward and do the chemo, no big deal (which kicked my butt and I missed 5 months of work).

    You are, emotionally, in a worse position than your husband.
    You have no control and he does.
    We may have no control over our cancer, but it is "our" cancer.
    Ownership gives us an advantage over the beast that loved ones can never have.

    If I do not make sense then I do not communicate well.
    If I do not make sense then I am the only one that believes in what I am trying to say.
    If I do not make sense then I am delusional.

    Best wishes and prayers
    Mark

    Oh Mark!!
    This is so true. I also am the wife to a cancer patient. He is cool as a cucumber and I am at times (not all of the time) a basket case. It is wonderful that you recognize this. I am a "fixer" by nature. This I just can't fix. I truly believe every patient needs to have an advocate to look out for their best interest but the fear of losing your spouse of 30 years is a lot to take. I'm trying to trust that God has a plan and whatever that may be its a perfect one. Stephanie
  • keystone
    keystone Member Posts: 134 Member
    I know and feel all of your fears!
    My husband is stage3 but we are also waiting to get a PET in a couple of months. He had no apparent mets to his organs but had a groin lymph node light up on his first scan. They brushed it off but the fear that it was something haunts me. This is tough, we as wives want our husbands well, whereas they seem to roll with the punches much better. My husband does no research and maybe I should not either but its all part of my wanting to be in control. My husband is also 46 and we have 2 grown daughters (we started young lol). I'm trying very hard to give this to God and understand that there is nothing I can do to change the situation. If you ever need someone to talk to message me and I'de be glad to send you my number. Even though our girls are grown I just can't burden them because they are "daddys girls". You do feel as if your going to lose your mind at times.... I understand!! Stephanie
  • laurettas
    laurettas Member Posts: 372
    marqimark said:

    Vent
    The doc that did the colonoscopy came out and told my wife and I that I had cancer.
    My wife cried, I said "okay".
    I figured I was so young (55) the cancer couldn't be too far along.
    My wife started crying when the surgeon told us that there were 4 of 33 lymph nodes involved.
    She had done the research and knew that wasn't good.
    I, on the other hand, was ignorant and had to ask if that was bad.
    Ignorance is bliss in my case.

    My point is, the spouse feels less in control, less able to affect the outcome of treatment.
    Myself, I just decided to push forward and do the chemo, no big deal (which kicked my butt and I missed 5 months of work).

    You are, emotionally, in a worse position than your husband.
    You have no control and he does.
    We may have no control over our cancer, but it is "our" cancer.
    Ownership gives us an advantage over the beast that loved ones can never have.

    If I do not make sense then I do not communicate well.
    If I do not make sense then I am the only one that believes in what I am trying to say.
    If I do not make sense then I am delusional.

    Best wishes and prayers
    Mark

    Very interesting,
    Mark. I had not thought everything through quite the way you put it but I see the validity of it. Gives me something to think about, for sure.
  • laurettas
    laurettas Member Posts: 372
    Buckwirth said:

    mCRC
    Hi Alex,

    Mets to the liver are sometimes treatable, with curative intent, via surgery.

    Even if your husband is not a candidate for surgery at this time, there are other options, like chemo and SIR-Spheres which can shrink the tumors and may open the possibility of surgery in the future.

    Even with that, the treatments for mCRC (metastatic ColoRectal Cancer) have come a long way, and a patient diagnosed after 2004 has a 150% better chance of being alive in five years than one who was diagnosed in 1999. There is a good chance your husband may see all of his kids graduate high school, and possibly college, even if they do not cure his cancer.

    Some things to look into now though. Does he have a Long Term Disability plan at work? I went for a year and a half working through my treatments, but recently made the decision to retire (at 53). I am able to do this because Social Security Disability considers mCRC to be an automatic qualifier, and my employer had a good LTD policy that I can take advantage of. Disability retirement also removes any penalties for accessing 401k funds prior to the usual retirement age and, if you have life insurance through his employer, there may be the possibility of collecting some of those funds early to cover things like COBRA expenses.

    As a caregiver, look into support groups via LIVESTRONG and the American Cancer Society. Schedule time for yourself, and make sure you get any assistance you need. I highly recommend scheduling a night out with a good friend, or even a weekend away if you can arrange it. It is a hard job, and often one that goes unappreciated when speaking with friends and relatives. For the moment, it sounds as if your husband can handle the kids for night or two.

    Speaking as a patient, we have lots of good days, and it is helpful if our caregivers grant us credit that we are able to care for ourselves, at least part of the time.

    There is a member on the Head and Neck board with the username soccerfreaks (Joe, and he is also the moderator of the chatroom here). He keeps an interesting blog, and I read it from time to time to remind me that my battle with cancer could be a whole lot worse. He has a lot of humor, and writes well, so I recommend looking it up.

    This is not good news, but you can get through it. There is help, and there is hope.

    Blake

    A question
    Blake, I wasn't aware that disability removes the penalty for early withdrawal from 401K plans. Does that same apply for IRAs? My husband has been retired for a few years so all of our retirement is in IRAs now. Hope that the penalty is removed there as well. That will make things a little easier, money wise.
  • Katteraus
    Katteraus Member Posts: 3
    Chat Room
    I was diagnosed with cancer and needed to vent! I stumbled upon this website and if you haven't already been directed to it but on the left side of the page you will see the word "Chat" click on it, its a chat room to where you will find that your not the only one. I hope it works for you, it helped me so much and have met so many people. Take care and hope to see you in the chat room!
  • pete43lost_at_sea
    pete43lost_at_sea Member Posts: 3,900 Member
    first so sorry to hear this
    the worst kind of graduation.

    RE I dont think I can be strong for everyone again ,

    I think we are all stronger than we realise.

    You cannot defeat your fears without honestly facing them.
    so venting is really really good.

    we are all here for you.

    hugs,
    pete
  • farmgirl500
    farmgirl500 Member Posts: 8
    hubby stage iv. don't know if I can stay strong.
    So many strides in treating colon cancer. Stay strong and see what the PET scan shows to know what you are dealing with. You can't always be strong...it's okay to have those moments of weakness and doubt. You sound like those are few and far between but you can't pretend not to have them. I think the waiting for the PET scan results is the hardest. Hope that nothing shows up and that you are just dealing with the spots on the liver.

    I had a resection and chemo myself and finished up chemo last year in July. CEA went up and had a PET scan done which showed nothing but a small (eraser size) spot on my liver. I am confused as to what constitues Stage IV? I was Stage 2 bordering on Stage 3 in my initial diagnosis with cancer cells in 4 of my lymph nodes. Are you considered Stage IV if you have a spot on your liver? Surgeon said it is so small that he is fine with chemo before surgery and again after or just doing the surgery and then chemo after. Spot is on right lobe and surgeon says he can remove it laproscopically. I meet with oncologist tomorrow.
  • Buckwirth
    Buckwirth Member Posts: 1,258 Member
    laurettas said:

    A question
    Blake, I wasn't aware that disability removes the penalty for early withdrawal from 401K plans. Does that same apply for IRAs? My husband has been retired for a few years so all of our retirement is in IRAs now. Hope that the penalty is removed there as well. That will make things a little easier, money wise.

    It does.
    Double check with a qualified financial adviser, as there may still be certain restrictions (such as SSDI vs private LTD or disability pension).

    Also check on any employer funded life insurance policy that may have existed at the time of disability retirement. In most states these continue to be in force even without funding and there may be a possibility of obtaining some of those funds now.
  • Buckwirth
    Buckwirth Member Posts: 1,258 Member

    hubby stage iv. don't know if I can stay strong.
    So many strides in treating colon cancer. Stay strong and see what the PET scan shows to know what you are dealing with. You can't always be strong...it's okay to have those moments of weakness and doubt. You sound like those are few and far between but you can't pretend not to have them. I think the waiting for the PET scan results is the hardest. Hope that nothing shows up and that you are just dealing with the spots on the liver.

    I had a resection and chemo myself and finished up chemo last year in July. CEA went up and had a PET scan done which showed nothing but a small (eraser size) spot on my liver. I am confused as to what constitues Stage IV? I was Stage 2 bordering on Stage 3 in my initial diagnosis with cancer cells in 4 of my lymph nodes. Are you considered Stage IV if you have a spot on your liver? Surgeon said it is so small that he is fine with chemo before surgery and again after or just doing the surgery and then chemo after. Spot is on right lobe and surgeon says he can remove it laproscopically. I meet with oncologist tomorrow.

    Farmgirl
    Technically, you will always be stage 2, but now you would be stage 2 with metastasis, or just mCRC.

    There is no difference with stage 4, it is just a method used by NCI and CDC to measure the effectiveness of current treatments and to track survival statistics by stage.

    Making up numbers here, but if I restaged up, the survival rate for Stage 2 would be 100%. By keeping it Stage 2, with metastasis, the 1% that do not make it change the rate to 99%.

    The good news for you is that you are a candidate for surgery. Surgery of mCRC metastasis to the liver is done with curable intent and has a very good success record.

    Hope that makes sense.
  • alexinlv
    alexinlv Member Posts: 194 Member
    thank you for the info and
    thank you for the info and encouragement. he's getting his PET scam right now. How long do results take?
  • Buckwirth
    Buckwirth Member Posts: 1,258 Member
    alexinlv said:

    thank you for the info and
    thank you for the info and encouragement. he's getting his PET scam right now. How long do results take?

    depends
    I have had results at my Onc the next day, others have had to wait two or more weeks...

    Do you have an appointment coming up? If so, the results should be in in time for the consultation.
  • alexinlv
    alexinlv Member Posts: 194 Member
    Buckwirth said:

    depends
    I have had results at my Onc the next day, others have had to wait two or more weeks...

    Do you have an appointment coming up? If so, the results should be in in time for the consultation.

    omg. two weeks would be
    omg. two weeks would be torture! yes, we have an appt on Friday. what do you think would be considered big tumors in the liver? thx. alex. oh and will the pet scan confirm the lover ct scan results?
  • Buckwirth
    Buckwirth Member Posts: 1,258 Member
    alexinlv said:

    omg. two weeks would be
    omg. two weeks would be torture! yes, we have an appt on Friday. what do you think would be considered big tumors in the liver? thx. alex. oh and will the pet scan confirm the lover ct scan results?

    No idea
    On liver tumors (never had one). The PET will confirm the CT results, they should give a 3D view and will show the levelof activity (described as "uptake" in the summary).
  • tko683
    tko683 Member Posts: 264 Member
    alexinlv said:

    thank you , Teri. I would
    thank you , Teri. I would have to lok at the reports to see what side they are on. how's your husband doing now? Alex

    My husband
    Alex,
    My husband is actually doing well. He has good days and bad. Today we met with a liver surgeon. They believe that they can remove the lessions with surgery so that is good news but it seems like his treatment plan keeps changing. It is hard trying to understand all the information. Sending you prayers to stay strong.
  • laurettas
    laurettas Member Posts: 372
    Buckwirth said:

    It does.
    Double check with a qualified financial adviser, as there may still be certain restrictions (such as SSDI vs private LTD or disability pension).

    Also check on any employer funded life insurance policy that may have existed at the time of disability retirement. In most states these continue to be in force even without funding and there may be a possibility of obtaining some of those funds now.

    Thanks for the info
    Jake is on SSDI so I presume the tax breaks will apply. Need to remember to ask that when tax season arrives.
  • judman92
    judman92 Member Posts: 31
    I understand
    I'm a 36 yr old and I am stage 4 with colon cancer and multiples mets on my liver. This has been a crazy summer for me. My chemo is working very good for me I have already killed half of my cancer cells and my last liver scan looked 30 to 40% better. There is hope out there and like others have said even if it's not operable right now does not mean that it won't be later. I have turned to my family and friends for support and it sounds like your husband already has a lot of support. I will keep him in my prayers and you just have to believe that there is hope and great doctors that are treating us.
  • taraHK
    taraHK Member Posts: 1,952 Member
    I am sorry you have had this
    I am sorry you have had this news and that this is happening to you all. I don't want to sound all "Pollyanna" but I'd like to say that it is possible to live for a long time after moving to Stage IV -- and to live a life of quality. I was initially diagnosed Stage III rectal December 2002. Surgery plus chemo. I 'transitioned' to Stage IV about two years later (spring 2005?). Six years ago. I've had several relapses (lung x 2 now bone) and have been in and out of surgery and chemo. But I believe I am living a great life. I'm still working, I travel periodically, exercise, see friends and lead an active life -- albeit one with a lot of naps! I've lived to see my kids (age 10 and 12 when I was diagnosed) finish high school, start college and develop into wonderful young men. I have an oncologist who listens, thinks and whom I trust. Life is good! Hang in there. Keeping breathing out as well as in!

    Love,
    Tara