hubby stage iv. don't know if I can stay strong.

alexinlv
alexinlv Member Posts: 194 Member
Hello all. my husband "graduated" to stage iv yesterday. 4 lesions found on his liver. originally diagnosed in Nov. 2009 had a resection and chemo. he's going for the pet scan this week and will start chemo on Friday. he is 46. we have 3 children ages 17, 15, and 11. we are devasted but he is a fighter. definitely nervous for what the pet scan might show. I've found support reding posts in the past and need support as a spouse. I am losing my mind today. I dont think I can be strong for everyone again , and I don't wantto be strong. I'm f@&$!! scared. will he be around next year? what's going to happen. I'm a nervous wreck. he on the otherhand went about the day chatting with other parents on the soccer field and putting on his happy face. I am happy he can do that but I worry about. what he's really thinking. thanks for letti g
e vent
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Comments

  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    *hugs*
    Vent away, dear! You've have devastating news, and you need to find a way to get through it. Go outside and scream, find a quiet place to pray, whatever works for you. And you're welcome to come here and vent all day, if you need to!

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • alexinlv
    alexinlv Member Posts: 194 Member
    tootsie1 said:

    *hugs*
    Vent away, dear! You've have devastating news, and you need to find a way to get through it. Go outside and scream, find a quiet place to pray, whatever works for you. And you're welcome to come here and vent all day, if you need to!

    *hugs*
    Gail

    venting is good!
    Thank you Gail! yep, I can't really vent to hubby or kids! although I am so worried about the kids. my 15 year old caught had a really bad time went we went through this in 09. my 11 year old keeps everything inside. I'm irritable at my best friend because she reacts in a way thatI feel is insensitive. and what to say when people ask , "how are you doing?". I do want to scream
  • Buckwirth
    Buckwirth Member Posts: 1,258 Member
    mCRC
    Hi Alex,

    Mets to the liver are sometimes treatable, with curative intent, via surgery.

    Even if your husband is not a candidate for surgery at this time, there are other options, like chemo and SIR-Spheres which can shrink the tumors and may open the possibility of surgery in the future.

    Even with that, the treatments for mCRC (metastatic ColoRectal Cancer) have come a long way, and a patient diagnosed after 2004 has a 150% better chance of being alive in five years than one who was diagnosed in 1999. There is a good chance your husband may see all of his kids graduate high school, and possibly college, even if they do not cure his cancer.

    Some things to look into now though. Does he have a Long Term Disability plan at work? I went for a year and a half working through my treatments, but recently made the decision to retire (at 53). I am able to do this because Social Security Disability considers mCRC to be an automatic qualifier, and my employer had a good LTD policy that I can take advantage of. Disability retirement also removes any penalties for accessing 401k funds prior to the usual retirement age and, if you have life insurance through his employer, there may be the possibility of collecting some of those funds early to cover things like COBRA expenses.

    As a caregiver, look into support groups via LIVESTRONG and the American Cancer Society. Schedule time for yourself, and make sure you get any assistance you need. I highly recommend scheduling a night out with a good friend, or even a weekend away if you can arrange it. It is a hard job, and often one that goes unappreciated when speaking with friends and relatives. For the moment, it sounds as if your husband can handle the kids for night or two.

    Speaking as a patient, we have lots of good days, and it is helpful if our caregivers grant us credit that we are able to care for ourselves, at least part of the time.

    There is a member on the Head and Neck board with the username soccerfreaks (Joe, and he is also the moderator of the chatroom here). He keeps an interesting blog, and I read it from time to time to remind me that my battle with cancer could be a whole lot worse. He has a lot of humor, and writes well, so I recommend looking it up.

    This is not good news, but you can get through it. There is help, and there is hope.

    Blake
  • pepebcn
    pepebcn Member Posts: 6,331 Member
    alexinlv said:

    venting is good!
    Thank you Gail! yep, I can't really vent to hubby or kids! although I am so worried about the kids. my 15 year old caught had a really bad time went we went through this in 09. my 11 year old keeps everything inside. I'm irritable at my best friend because she reacts in a way thatI feel is insensitive. and what to say when people ask , "how are you doing?". I do want to scream

    Vent is good , but don't demonstrate your fears in front of him
    it seems he is in an excellent attitude and that's a good way to start to get cured. I'm sure you can do it you have done it before and now you got here a big gang of friends to help you and listen your fears .
    Be strong my friend you have done it before!
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    Hugs for you all
    While cancer has been in your lives for a while, this latest news has to have been a blow to you all.

    Given your situation, you might want to seek some family counseling targeted for those dealing with a cancer diagnosis. Check with your local American Cancer Society and with your local hospital and docs. You and yours do not have to travel this emotional road alone.

    Vent here as much as you need, but please find someone locally who can help you and your family through this trying time.

    Prayers for you all.

    Marie who loves kitties
  • marqimark
    marqimark Member Posts: 242 Member
    Vent
    The doc that did the colonoscopy came out and told my wife and I that I had cancer.
    My wife cried, I said "okay".
    I figured I was so young (55) the cancer couldn't be too far along.
    My wife started crying when the surgeon told us that there were 4 of 33 lymph nodes involved.
    She had done the research and knew that wasn't good.
    I, on the other hand, was ignorant and had to ask if that was bad.
    Ignorance is bliss in my case.

    My point is, the spouse feels less in control, less able to affect the outcome of treatment.
    Myself, I just decided to push forward and do the chemo, no big deal (which kicked my butt and I missed 5 months of work).

    You are, emotionally, in a worse position than your husband.
    You have no control and he does.
    We may have no control over our cancer, but it is "our" cancer.
    Ownership gives us an advantage over the beast that loved ones can never have.

    If I do not make sense then I do not communicate well.
    If I do not make sense then I am the only one that believes in what I am trying to say.
    If I do not make sense then I am delusional.

    Best wishes and prayers
    Mark
  • alexinlv
    alexinlv Member Posts: 194 Member
    pepebcn said:

    Vent is good , but don't demonstrate your fears in front of him
    it seems he is in an excellent attitude and that's a good way to start to get cured. I'm sure you can do it you have done it before and now you got here a big gang of friends to help you and listen your fears .
    Be strong my friend you have done it before!

    Thanks Pepe! I will try to
    Thanks Pepe! I will try to be strong and won't vent in front of him. btw We are huge FC Barca fans! We never miss a game and would die to go to Barcelona!
  • alexinlv
    alexinlv Member Posts: 194 Member
    Buckwirth said:

    mCRC
    Hi Alex,

    Mets to the liver are sometimes treatable, with curative intent, via surgery.

    Even if your husband is not a candidate for surgery at this time, there are other options, like chemo and SIR-Spheres which can shrink the tumors and may open the possibility of surgery in the future.

    Even with that, the treatments for mCRC (metastatic ColoRectal Cancer) have come a long way, and a patient diagnosed after 2004 has a 150% better chance of being alive in five years than one who was diagnosed in 1999. There is a good chance your husband may see all of his kids graduate high school, and possibly college, even if they do not cure his cancer.

    Some things to look into now though. Does he have a Long Term Disability plan at work? I went for a year and a half working through my treatments, but recently made the decision to retire (at 53). I am able to do this because Social Security Disability considers mCRC to be an automatic qualifier, and my employer had a good LTD policy that I can take advantage of. Disability retirement also removes any penalties for accessing 401k funds prior to the usual retirement age and, if you have life insurance through his employer, there may be the possibility of collecting some of those funds early to cover things like COBRA expenses.

    As a caregiver, look into support groups via LIVESTRONG and the American Cancer Society. Schedule time for yourself, and make sure you get any assistance you need. I highly recommend scheduling a night out with a good friend, or even a weekend away if you can arrange it. It is a hard job, and often one that goes unappreciated when speaking with friends and relatives. For the moment, it sounds as if your husband can handle the kids for night or two.

    Speaking as a patient, we have lots of good days, and it is helpful if our caregivers grant us credit that we are able to care for ourselves, at least part of the time.

    There is a member on the Head and Neck board with the username soccerfreaks (Joe, and he is also the moderator of the chatroom here). He keeps an interesting blog, and I read it from time to time to remind me that my battle with cancer could be a whole lot worse. He has a lot of humor, and writes well, so I recommend looking it up.

    This is not good news, but you can get through it. There is help, and there is hope.

    Blake

    Great info, Blake. lot to
    Great info, Blake. lot to think about and good questions to ask him. I wonder, do mets to liver typically respond to treatment ? he has 4 mets. is that bad on the scale for treatment? what to expect far as physicalsymptoms because of the liver mets? he's not a candidate for surgery yet. doing oxipilatin, avastin and the other one that I can't think of the name right now. thank you! Alex
  • alexinlv
    alexinlv Member Posts: 194 Member

    Hugs for you all
    While cancer has been in your lives for a while, this latest news has to have been a blow to you all.

    Given your situation, you might want to seek some family counseling targeted for those dealing with a cancer diagnosis. Check with your local American Cancer Society and with your local hospital and docs. You and yours do not have to travel this emotional road alone.

    Vent here as much as you need, but please find someone locally who can help you and your family through this trying time.

    Prayers for you all.

    Marie who loves kitties

    hi Marie. yes I am not
    hi Marie. yes I am not waiting for counseling/support group this time. thank you for your support! alex
  • alexinlv
    alexinlv Member Posts: 194 Member
    marqimark said:

    Vent
    The doc that did the colonoscopy came out and told my wife and I that I had cancer.
    My wife cried, I said "okay".
    I figured I was so young (55) the cancer couldn't be too far along.
    My wife started crying when the surgeon told us that there were 4 of 33 lymph nodes involved.
    She had done the research and knew that wasn't good.
    I, on the other hand, was ignorant and had to ask if that was bad.
    Ignorance is bliss in my case.

    My point is, the spouse feels less in control, less able to affect the outcome of treatment.
    Myself, I just decided to push forward and do the chemo, no big deal (which kicked my butt and I missed 5 months of work).

    You are, emotionally, in a worse position than your husband.
    You have no control and he does.
    We may have no control over our cancer, but it is "our" cancer.
    Ownership gives us an advantage over the beast that loved ones can never have.

    If I do not make sense then I do not communicate well.
    If I do not make sense then I am the only one that believes in what I am trying to say.
    If I do not make sense then I am delusional.

    Best wishes and prayers
    Mark

    exactly! wow! you said it
    exactly! wow! you said it exactly right. I totally get it! and that's how I feel. I am soooo grateful for this board. thank you! alex
  • Brenda Bricco
    Brenda Bricco Member Posts: 579 Member
    alexinlv said:

    venting is good!
    Thank you Gail! yep, I can't really vent to hubby or kids! although I am so worried about the kids. my 15 year old caught had a really bad time went we went through this in 09. my 11 year old keeps everything inside. I'm irritable at my best friend because she reacts in a way thatI feel is insensitive. and what to say when people ask , "how are you doing?". I do want to scream

    Oh the things people say...
    I know what you mean about insensitivity... I have been floored by what some have said to me as the wife. I had one "friend" (a cancer survivor even) say to me "oh it spread to the liver??? He's a goner" I think I was in shock when she said it, still can't believe it.
    I have children very close to the same ages as you so I know your torment. I know that I have been on the "edge" many times and wondered where I would get the strength to go on. I try to take it a day at a time but somedays I have to do it an hour at a time because a whole day is just too much.
    There are some amazing people in this group that just come along and pick you up, they don't know you or where you are from but for some reason GOD has given them the spirit that just want to help.
    Vent away! I doubt that you could offend anyone and I hope I never do either. :)
    Brenda
  • tko683
    tko683 Member Posts: 264 Member
    so sorry for your news
    I can totally relate to how you are feeling. My husband was also diagnosed with stage 4 in June with 6 lesions on his liver. He was only 51 and we also have 3 children, ages 22, 19, and 14. I was also diagnosed with stage 3 cancer 7 years ago so this is the second time we are having to deal with advanced cancer. I am beyond scared for him and our family. He has never been sick in his life so this is all new to him. People keep telling me to be strong and I try. I just have to keep reminding myself to be strong and not let him see me upset but it is very very hard. My husband went through a time when he was kind of in denial and shock and acted like everything was fine but now he is in the next stage when he keeps saying he is dying. Did they tell you what side of the liver the lessions were on? They told us that if they are all on the same side they can do surgery and remove that part of the liver with good results. Sending your prayers for strength to get throught this. This board has so many knowledgable people with helpful info. Hugs to you. Teri
  • here4lfe
    here4lfe Member Posts: 306 Member
    Same Boat
    Welcome to the board. My wife is Stage 4, diagnosed in July 09. I fully expect her to be here next year! There are a lot of ways to treat liver mets, as you and your husband will find out.
    Hang in there, and come to the board for support and advice.

    Best
  • Kathleen808
    Kathleen808 Member Posts: 2,342 Member
    Hi Alex
    Hi Alex,
    I'm glad you've found us and I hope you can get some good support. Everyone has shared good stuff with you. My husband was diagnosed with stage 3c in January 09 and we had clear for a few months but then stage 4 in January 2011. He is on Folfori + Avastin every two weeks. It is hard on him, very hard during chemo. However, we are living a wonderfully full life. Tonight we went to our neighborhood park and watched surf movies with our neighbors under the stars. My point is that the stage 4 diagnosis is shocking and incredibly scary. However, you will have many wonderful days with your husband and so will your kids. I am planning on many years with my husband. The truth is we never know. BTW our kids are 17 and 14.

    Keep in touch.

    Aloha,
    Kathleen
  • pepebcn
    pepebcn Member Posts: 6,331 Member
    alexinlv said:

    Thanks Pepe! I will try to
    Thanks Pepe! I will try to be strong and won't vent in front of him. btw We are huge FC Barca fans! We never miss a game and would die to go to Barcelona!

    Like it! hahaha!
    You're invited!
  • alexinlv
    alexinlv Member Posts: 194 Member

    Oh the things people say...
    I know what you mean about insensitivity... I have been floored by what some have said to me as the wife. I had one "friend" (a cancer survivor even) say to me "oh it spread to the liver??? He's a goner" I think I was in shock when she said it, still can't believe it.
    I have children very close to the same ages as you so I know your torment. I know that I have been on the "edge" many times and wondered where I would get the strength to go on. I try to take it a day at a time but somedays I have to do it an hour at a time because a whole day is just too much.
    There are some amazing people in this group that just come along and pick you up, they don't know you or where you are from but for some reason GOD has given them the spirit that just want to help.
    Vent away! I doubt that you could offend anyone and I hope I never do either. :)
    Brenda

    One hour at a time is great
    One hour at a time is great advice! I know I will be visiting this board a alot! I can tell what a loving support group it is already. thank you. it's hard to k ow how to help my children. I am scared for them. I lost my mom when I was 18 and don't want them to go through the same thing.
  • alexinlv
    alexinlv Member Posts: 194 Member
    tko683 said:

    so sorry for your news
    I can totally relate to how you are feeling. My husband was also diagnosed with stage 4 in June with 6 lesions on his liver. He was only 51 and we also have 3 children, ages 22, 19, and 14. I was also diagnosed with stage 3 cancer 7 years ago so this is the second time we are having to deal with advanced cancer. I am beyond scared for him and our family. He has never been sick in his life so this is all new to him. People keep telling me to be strong and I try. I just have to keep reminding myself to be strong and not let him see me upset but it is very very hard. My husband went through a time when he was kind of in denial and shock and acted like everything was fine but now he is in the next stage when he keeps saying he is dying. Did they tell you what side of the liver the lessions were on? They told us that if they are all on the same side they can do surgery and remove that part of the liver with good results. Sending your prayers for strength to get throught this. This board has so many knowledgable people with helpful info. Hugs to you. Teri

    thank you , Teri. I would
    thank you , Teri. I would have to lok at the reports to see what side they are on. how's your husband doing now? Alex
  • alexinlv
    alexinlv Member Posts: 194 Member
    here4lfe said:

    Same Boat
    Welcome to the board. My wife is Stage 4, diagnosed in July 09. I fully expect her to be here next year! There are a lot of ways to treat liver mets, as you and your husband will find out.
    Hang in there, and come to the board for support and advice.

    Best

    That's great news. what has
    That's great news. what has it been like for her?
  • alexinlv
    alexinlv Member Posts: 194 Member

    Hi Alex
    Hi Alex,
    I'm glad you've found us and I hope you can get some good support. Everyone has shared good stuff with you. My husband was diagnosed with stage 3c in January 09 and we had clear for a few months but then stage 4 in January 2011. He is on Folfori + Avastin every two weeks. It is hard on him, very hard during chemo. However, we are living a wonderfully full life. Tonight we went to our neighborhood park and watched surf movies with our neighbors under the stars. My point is that the stage 4 diagnosis is shocking and incredibly scary. However, you will have many wonderful days with your husband and so will your kids. I am planning on many years with my husband. The truth is we never know. BTW our kids are 17 and 14.

    Keep in touch.

    Aloha,
    Kathleen

    Thank you Kathleen. I hope
    Thank you Kathleen. I hope he has the strength and determination to live life fully during this time. I do remember thinking when I first joined the board, although I never posted, that you and I had a lot in common. children, time of dx, aren't you a teacher too? well I just wonder what the road ahead will be like. that's the scary part. take care, alex
  • here4lfe
    here4lfe Member Posts: 306 Member
    alexinlv said:

    That's great news. what has
    That's great news. what has it been like for her?

    Her spirits have been up
    No one believed she was undergoing chemo she was so upbeat. The only time she got down was on this new regime of Xeloda, Irinotecan, Avastin, but she bounced right back. Just try to keep your husband's spirits up, follow his lead, and take care of yourself. It's not selfish. You are no good to him if you do not take care of yourself.

    Best