He is dying now

KateNTx
KateNTx Member Posts: 39
My Ric has maybe another day in this world. I am so broken inside. I'm trying to remember the good times, but he blames me for "poisoning him" and "Killing him". Hospice says it's the tumors in his brain talking to me, but I can't completely believe them. I got him to do Chemo, so by that respect, I DID poison him. In medically accepted ways, but it's still poison. He's leaving me so quickly. We went to the doctor Thursday, and he told us 3 months...instead, here I sit two days later, watchin my husband, out of his head, dying.
I don't know how I'm going to live without him. I hold his hand and try to calm him. Hospice gave us suppositories of tranquilisers, and I gave him one, and he accused me of raping him. I am so broken right now. I'd give anything to hear him say he loves me one more time.
those of you who can still pray, pray for us.
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Comments

  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    he's toxic, you're angelic
    Oh, dear, I think maybe you shouldn't be alone with this. Is there nobody you can call, who can just be there?

    The body does shut down gradually, and during that process the organs fail and release toxins that soup up the brain and body in the most unexpected ways. My dad was a peaceful, loving man every day of his life but his last, when he became almost combative.

    Forgive and hang in there. It's not your husband talking anymore. I'm praying.
  • c4nd1s
    c4nd1s Member Posts: 6
    I feel your pain.
    I really

    I feel your pain.
    I really do.
    You have to realize that it's the beast, not him saying those things.

    I'll pray for you KateNTx
  • jimwins
    jimwins Member Posts: 2,107
    Freedom

    You submitted this in your expresssions and I find it an accurate
    description of this experience:

    No bars, except on every corner
    no cells, save those that multiply
    Incarcerated, without a crime
    in chains to a disease that is not mine

    <<>>

    I'm sorry you are having to go through this. The others are probably
    right about his behavior so don't take it "to heart".

    I just finished a round of chemo and am still "roller coasting" from the prednizone.
    I bit my sister's head off last night right after she prepared me dinner. I felt so
    bad later but the prednizone can make you very agressive and irritable. I know
    she forgives me though that doesn't help much with my guilt about it right now.

    I'm sure Ric loves you and pray you get your wish to hear it again.
    Most of us here have chosen "poison" in our journey. Maybe a better word is
    "hope".

    I'm thinking of you right now and wishing you strength and peace through this.
    Warmest hugs (and dang it, tears too)....
  • Faithful_Angel
    Faithful_Angel Member Posts: 86
    Love, Forgiveness, And The Beast
    Darling Kate,

    There are so few words right now that are going to bring you comfort... Remember one thing we are walking the same line, when you are weak I will lift you up. We are walking hand in hand.

    The people that lay before us are no longer the ones we love for they have reached a peace that no one else can understand. This beast that is ravishing them within has stolen so much. It's taken who they once were from us. This person that lays before us that we pour every ounce of our energy, our love, our devotions, and share our hopes and dreams with. Even though our hopes are they will just make it one more day and to hear one more thank you or " I Love You" from. Those words sweetheart may never come. They are just a shell of who they once were.

    But when things get so tough you don't think you can make it one more minute, Take a deep breath, Say a little Prayer, and remember you are not alone even though we feel like it every moment is excruciating painful. ♥ I am walking that parallel line with you right now. I feel as no one can ever understand what I am going through. Then I come back to this site and you are sitting here waiting for me.

    One thing I have come to realize:
    - No matter how much I believe or want to believe I can not will this beast away. It has such a tight grasp and stolen so much from us we can hardly breathe.

    -BOLD FACED HERE!!!!!
    **********You have done a fabulous job being there, supporting, doing everything you can to make sure he knows you love him. There is nothing more you could do than what you are doing right now. *************

    It's ok to be upset, angry , hurt ect ect. You have that right.

    If you ever need me I'm here. We will be forever connected! You are now my sister

    Much love and hopefully a little peace to you!!! ♥♥♥x a million

    -Valerie
  • KateNTx
    KateNTx Member Posts: 39

    Love, Forgiveness, And The Beast
    Darling Kate,

    There are so few words right now that are going to bring you comfort... Remember one thing we are walking the same line, when you are weak I will lift you up. We are walking hand in hand.

    The people that lay before us are no longer the ones we love for they have reached a peace that no one else can understand. This beast that is ravishing them within has stolen so much. It's taken who they once were from us. This person that lays before us that we pour every ounce of our energy, our love, our devotions, and share our hopes and dreams with. Even though our hopes are they will just make it one more day and to hear one more thank you or " I Love You" from. Those words sweetheart may never come. They are just a shell of who they once were.

    But when things get so tough you don't think you can make it one more minute, Take a deep breath, Say a little Prayer, and remember you are not alone even though we feel like it every moment is excruciating painful. ♥ I am walking that parallel line with you right now. I feel as no one can ever understand what I am going through. Then I come back to this site and you are sitting here waiting for me.

    One thing I have come to realize:
    - No matter how much I believe or want to believe I can not will this beast away. It has such a tight grasp and stolen so much from us we can hardly breathe.

    -BOLD FACED HERE!!!!!
    **********You have done a fabulous job being there, supporting, doing everything you can to make sure he knows you love him. There is nothing more you could do than what you are doing right now. *************

    It's ok to be upset, angry , hurt ect ect. You have that right.

    If you ever need me I'm here. We will be forever connected! You are now my sister

    Much love and hopefully a little peace to you!!! ♥♥♥x a million

    -Valerie

    Still breathing
    He's still breathing. He had a small window this afternoon where I could see him trying to mouth the word Love while I held his hand. He's fading so fast now. My heart wants to keep him here with me, and it wants his pain to just stop, both at the same time. I keep praying, but I'm sure the contradictions in my prayers amuse God. One minute I'm begging him to give my Ric back, and the next, I'm begging for him to get to go home. and, I have no idea what I will do when he's gone, because it's not an "if" now, it's a when. I keep telling Ric it's ok to leave me, but as stubborn as he's always been, he's still here. maybe he's waiting for me to quit on him (never happening). I just wish God would show me some of his much vaunted "mercy", because right now, if he really has my tears in a bottle...it's the size of a big bottle of Jim Bean. You know, the jugs. And I keep wanting...and hurting...and breaking, even when I think i'm already broken into as small of pieces as I can break.
    I bought cremation jewelry today. Cremation Jewelry. WTF. I've been married one year, one month, and one week...and my husband is dying. And i keep thinking, if I just say it enough, I'll have to accept it, but it's unacceptable.
    I can't keep living without him, yet, I know, logically that I will. Why doesn't something that hurtss as bad as a broken heart kill me? If it weren't for my faith, as shakey as it is now, I swear, i'd go with Ric. I wish we'd been in a car wreck on our way back from the VA and died together.
    With the age difference, we always expected I'd outlive him, but what I don't think either of us imagined is how little I'd WANT to. We used to even joke about it.
    I'm broken. And all the King's horses and all the king's men, can't put me back together again.
    Yet, when his kids call, I sound functional and am able to try to give them comfort. I have no idea how THAT happens, but when they call, I stop crying and try to sound, if not "in control" at least, not on the verge of wanting to die myself.
    I've called the funeral home, the crematory, the cemetary, his friends, my friends, his ex wife, his kids. And somehow, i could do it. I've even managed to eat, and read to him, and sing to him. And I, who he used to call "never-stop-talking" have no words left.
  • Faithful_Angel
    Faithful_Angel Member Posts: 86
    KateNTx said:

    Still breathing
    He's still breathing. He had a small window this afternoon where I could see him trying to mouth the word Love while I held his hand. He's fading so fast now. My heart wants to keep him here with me, and it wants his pain to just stop, both at the same time. I keep praying, but I'm sure the contradictions in my prayers amuse God. One minute I'm begging him to give my Ric back, and the next, I'm begging for him to get to go home. and, I have no idea what I will do when he's gone, because it's not an "if" now, it's a when. I keep telling Ric it's ok to leave me, but as stubborn as he's always been, he's still here. maybe he's waiting for me to quit on him (never happening). I just wish God would show me some of his much vaunted "mercy", because right now, if he really has my tears in a bottle...it's the size of a big bottle of Jim Bean. You know, the jugs. And I keep wanting...and hurting...and breaking, even when I think i'm already broken into as small of pieces as I can break.
    I bought cremation jewelry today. Cremation Jewelry. WTF. I've been married one year, one month, and one week...and my husband is dying. And i keep thinking, if I just say it enough, I'll have to accept it, but it's unacceptable.
    I can't keep living without him, yet, I know, logically that I will. Why doesn't something that hurtss as bad as a broken heart kill me? If it weren't for my faith, as shakey as it is now, I swear, i'd go with Ric. I wish we'd been in a car wreck on our way back from the VA and died together.
    With the age difference, we always expected I'd outlive him, but what I don't think either of us imagined is how little I'd WANT to. We used to even joke about it.
    I'm broken. And all the King's horses and all the king's men, can't put me back together again.
    Yet, when his kids call, I sound functional and am able to try to give them comfort. I have no idea how THAT happens, but when they call, I stop crying and try to sound, if not "in control" at least, not on the verge of wanting to die myself.
    I've called the funeral home, the crematory, the cemetary, his friends, my friends, his ex wife, his kids. And somehow, i could do it. I've even managed to eat, and read to him, and sing to him. And I, who he used to call "never-stop-talking" have no words left.

    Broken Heart
    My heart is breaking for you Kate. I know my own heart is breaking but at the moment I want you to draw all the strength you can from me. You can lean on me cry to me even scream at me. I will be here.. hugs and love sweet Kate.
  • KateNTx
    KateNTx Member Posts: 39

    Broken Heart
    My heart is breaking for you Kate. I know my own heart is breaking but at the moment I want you to draw all the strength you can from me. You can lean on me cry to me even scream at me. I will be here.. hugs and love sweet Kate.

    Debating ECT
    So, I've been "thinking" or what passes for it inside my head lately anyway, and decided to go a google search on "side effect 'long term memory loss'". the answer is ECT...for those of you not from acronymn land, it's called electroshock therapy, or shock therapy, or a medically approved method of running enough voltage through your brain to rewire it. It's also a medically aproved treatment for anxiety and depression unable to be pharmaceutically controlled, a criteria I am reasonably sure I can convince a state headshrinker to consider me as meeting. Why, you might ask? Because NOTHING in my life doesn't have a memory of Ric attached to it, and if I can't move to a forign country and avoid anything that makes me think of him (like perhaps antartica) then erasing my memory seems like an at least semi-reasonable concept. I have the IQ to spare...it could be reduced 50% and still fall within the "normal" range according to Stanford-Binet...and who knows, maybe if I lacked the knowledge I have now I would be a happier person...I know most people who are MR/Borderline MR appear to have fairly uncomplicated, happy lives, and since the severing of the prefrontal cortex is no longer an approved mainstream medical treatment (aka a Lobotomy) ECT feels like it could be a valid option. Irony here, the side effect that makes MOST people want to avoid ECT is the reason I think it's not a bad idea. Plus, it lacks the secondary systemic toxicity that most antidepressants/mood elevators carry as a risk after sustained use at therapeutic dosage, and is pretty damn near impossible to "accidentally" OD on during a deep depressive cycle. See, it passes a prima fascia logic screening. And, in Texas, where i reside (trust me, live isn't the word for what i'm doing now) 63% of Mental Health Facilities still utilise it (yay wikipedia). So, I'm considering it. the beautiful thing about it is events within 2 weeks of ECT treatments to either side are usually the most likely to be erased, so if I play my cards right, I can forget the last week completely. And, it's safer than GHB/succinylcholine which are other options to reduce/eliminate memory. Definately going to give this option some heavy thought. the idea of starting over without my memory is appealing right now, and I have no children who would be hurt by my forgetting them, so...yeah...not the worst idea ever...not even the worst one today
  • jimwins
    jimwins Member Posts: 2,107
    KateNTx said:

    Still breathing
    He's still breathing. He had a small window this afternoon where I could see him trying to mouth the word Love while I held his hand. He's fading so fast now. My heart wants to keep him here with me, and it wants his pain to just stop, both at the same time. I keep praying, but I'm sure the contradictions in my prayers amuse God. One minute I'm begging him to give my Ric back, and the next, I'm begging for him to get to go home. and, I have no idea what I will do when he's gone, because it's not an "if" now, it's a when. I keep telling Ric it's ok to leave me, but as stubborn as he's always been, he's still here. maybe he's waiting for me to quit on him (never happening). I just wish God would show me some of his much vaunted "mercy", because right now, if he really has my tears in a bottle...it's the size of a big bottle of Jim Bean. You know, the jugs. And I keep wanting...and hurting...and breaking, even when I think i'm already broken into as small of pieces as I can break.
    I bought cremation jewelry today. Cremation Jewelry. WTF. I've been married one year, one month, and one week...and my husband is dying. And i keep thinking, if I just say it enough, I'll have to accept it, but it's unacceptable.
    I can't keep living without him, yet, I know, logically that I will. Why doesn't something that hurtss as bad as a broken heart kill me? If it weren't for my faith, as shakey as it is now, I swear, i'd go with Ric. I wish we'd been in a car wreck on our way back from the VA and died together.
    With the age difference, we always expected I'd outlive him, but what I don't think either of us imagined is how little I'd WANT to. We used to even joke about it.
    I'm broken. And all the King's horses and all the king's men, can't put me back together again.
    Yet, when his kids call, I sound functional and am able to try to give them comfort. I have no idea how THAT happens, but when they call, I stop crying and try to sound, if not "in control" at least, not on the verge of wanting to die myself.
    I've called the funeral home, the crematory, the cemetary, his friends, my friends, his ex wife, his kids. And somehow, i could do it. I've even managed to eat, and read to him, and sing to him. And I, who he used to call "never-stop-talking" have no words left.

    Thinking of you

    Kate,

    I just wanted you to know I'm still thinking of you.
  • KateNTx
    KateNTx Member Posts: 39
    jimwins said:

    Thinking of you

    Kate,

    I just wanted you to know I'm still thinking of you.

    I'm feeling less awful now (Caution subject to mood swings)
    I obeyed our Hospice nurse, and went and got a shower, in the hope that he was waiting for me to leave the room to let go...but...that wasn't it. I can't think of anyone he'd be waiting/wanting to talk to (or at this point honestly listen to), or any reason he'd be hanging on (birthday etc.) I've got no idea why/how he's continuing to hang on. I'm semi-functional right now. I may not be in 20 minutes. Or maybe this calm window will last for hours. I have no idea. I'm kinda functionalish. Or maybe not. Although I did discover, the bathtub has too many memories for me now, so I have no idea what I'll be doing about bathing now. I've pretty much lost my mind...so if you see something small and grey running around on a brainstem, send it this way...or drug it into submission, either way, it's cool. Love you!
  • jimwins
    jimwins Member Posts: 2,107
    KateNTx said:

    I'm feeling less awful now (Caution subject to mood swings)
    I obeyed our Hospice nurse, and went and got a shower, in the hope that he was waiting for me to leave the room to let go...but...that wasn't it. I can't think of anyone he'd be waiting/wanting to talk to (or at this point honestly listen to), or any reason he'd be hanging on (birthday etc.) I've got no idea why/how he's continuing to hang on. I'm semi-functional right now. I may not be in 20 minutes. Or maybe this calm window will last for hours. I have no idea. I'm kinda functionalish. Or maybe not. Although I did discover, the bathtub has too many memories for me now, so I have no idea what I'll be doing about bathing now. I've pretty much lost my mind...so if you see something small and grey running around on a brainstem, send it this way...or drug it into submission, either way, it's cool. Love you!

    KateNTx and c4and1s,

    I'm sorry both of you are having to experience
    this part of life now. I thought I'd introduce you
    two as you are both in similar situations.


    Hugs...

    Jim

    <<>>

    c4nd1s


    http://csn.cancer.org/node/225299


    KateNTx

    http://csn.cancer.org/node/225285
  • KateNTx
    KateNTx Member Posts: 39
    jimwins said:

    KateNTx and c4and1s,

    I'm sorry both of you are having to experience
    this part of life now. I thought I'd introduce you
    two as you are both in similar situations.


    Hugs...

    Jim

    <<>>

    c4nd1s


    http://csn.cancer.org/node/225299


    KateNTx

    http://csn.cancer.org/node/225285

    Nightmares, sleep, and he still hasn't left
    I fell asleep last night, how, I have no idea, only to jolt awake to the WORST night terror in years (yay PTSD). I had this dream that somehow Ric had a teenaged son and I had to tell him his Dad was in hospital, dying. In the dream, the words "malignant epithelials" were used to describe it. While I had gone home in the dream, he died, and no oone would tell me where his body was. Meanwhile, the neighbors (in the dream)) kept hitting on me. So I busted everything in arms reach, and used the busted glass to carve my face. Then I grabbed a bottle of Ric's favorite whiskey, and shouted "To my husband, Those who knew him, loved him well, those who didn't can go to hell" followed by Screaming "Whiskers' Roadhouse OOH-RAH" at the top of my lungs. I sat bolt upright in bed, shaking and in a cold sweat and realised that for 7 years, whenever I had a night terror, I got over it by resting my head along Ric's collarbone, and listening to his heartbeat until I was able to sleep again, feeling safe listening to the steady thud-thud of his heart. Now, I doubt I'll ever feel safe again. I raced to his side (his hospital bed from home hospice is only about 5 ft from my bedside) and thought for sure he was gone, but here I sit, 4 hours later watching him breathe. It's been 15 days since we were told about the Brain Mets. How do you adapt to thinking you are beating or at least at a draw with this disease, to then watching your husband die in 15 days? 5 days ago, he wanted Cannolis and Pizza, and was joking with us and aware. I hate life right now. I hate losing him. I had a panic attack so bad last night, I thought it was a heart attack (and I have non-life threatening heart issues to start with) and all I could think was, Please God, let this be a Heart Attack so I can go with him. As you can tell by the fact I'm typing this, it wasn't. God, how I wish it was. If I still had a "home" instead of just a house, I'd want to go home.
  • ms.sunshine
    ms.sunshine Member Posts: 707 Member
    KateNTx said:

    Nightmares, sleep, and he still hasn't left
    I fell asleep last night, how, I have no idea, only to jolt awake to the WORST night terror in years (yay PTSD). I had this dream that somehow Ric had a teenaged son and I had to tell him his Dad was in hospital, dying. In the dream, the words "malignant epithelials" were used to describe it. While I had gone home in the dream, he died, and no oone would tell me where his body was. Meanwhile, the neighbors (in the dream)) kept hitting on me. So I busted everything in arms reach, and used the busted glass to carve my face. Then I grabbed a bottle of Ric's favorite whiskey, and shouted "To my husband, Those who knew him, loved him well, those who didn't can go to hell" followed by Screaming "Whiskers' Roadhouse OOH-RAH" at the top of my lungs. I sat bolt upright in bed, shaking and in a cold sweat and realised that for 7 years, whenever I had a night terror, I got over it by resting my head along Ric's collarbone, and listening to his heartbeat until I was able to sleep again, feeling safe listening to the steady thud-thud of his heart. Now, I doubt I'll ever feel safe again. I raced to his side (his hospital bed from home hospice is only about 5 ft from my bedside) and thought for sure he was gone, but here I sit, 4 hours later watching him breathe. It's been 15 days since we were told about the Brain Mets. How do you adapt to thinking you are beating or at least at a draw with this disease, to then watching your husband die in 15 days? 5 days ago, he wanted Cannolis and Pizza, and was joking with us and aware. I hate life right now. I hate losing him. I had a panic attack so bad last night, I thought it was a heart attack (and I have non-life threatening heart issues to start with) and all I could think was, Please God, let this be a Heart Attack so I can go with him. As you can tell by the fact I'm typing this, it wasn't. God, how I wish it was. If I still had a "home" instead of just a house, I'd want to go home.

    Kate
    I'm so sorry you and Ric are going thru such torment. Why anyone has to endure as much as you two have been thru, I don't know. Hugs to you Kate.

    Jennifer
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    KateNTx said:

    Nightmares, sleep, and he still hasn't left
    I fell asleep last night, how, I have no idea, only to jolt awake to the WORST night terror in years (yay PTSD). I had this dream that somehow Ric had a teenaged son and I had to tell him his Dad was in hospital, dying. In the dream, the words "malignant epithelials" were used to describe it. While I had gone home in the dream, he died, and no oone would tell me where his body was. Meanwhile, the neighbors (in the dream)) kept hitting on me. So I busted everything in arms reach, and used the busted glass to carve my face. Then I grabbed a bottle of Ric's favorite whiskey, and shouted "To my husband, Those who knew him, loved him well, those who didn't can go to hell" followed by Screaming "Whiskers' Roadhouse OOH-RAH" at the top of my lungs. I sat bolt upright in bed, shaking and in a cold sweat and realised that for 7 years, whenever I had a night terror, I got over it by resting my head along Ric's collarbone, and listening to his heartbeat until I was able to sleep again, feeling safe listening to the steady thud-thud of his heart. Now, I doubt I'll ever feel safe again. I raced to his side (his hospital bed from home hospice is only about 5 ft from my bedside) and thought for sure he was gone, but here I sit, 4 hours later watching him breathe. It's been 15 days since we were told about the Brain Mets. How do you adapt to thinking you are beating or at least at a draw with this disease, to then watching your husband die in 15 days? 5 days ago, he wanted Cannolis and Pizza, and was joking with us and aware. I hate life right now. I hate losing him. I had a panic attack so bad last night, I thought it was a heart attack (and I have non-life threatening heart issues to start with) and all I could think was, Please God, let this be a Heart Attack so I can go with him. As you can tell by the fact I'm typing this, it wasn't. God, how I wish it was. If I still had a "home" instead of just a house, I'd want to go home.

    Grief
    You have already begun the grief process, grief for the loss of your husband, grief for the husband you once knew, grief for the life you expected to live, etc. I just wanted you to know that I am reading your posts, thinking about you, and saying a little prayer. I understand how hard this is. I have been there. I, too, wondered how I would survive the loss of my husband, but I have. It will be two years in October since I lost my husband following a six year fight with colon cancer. Surviving is what we do at first, just barely, but as time passes some of the pain passes as well. Just know you are not alone. Many of us here share your pain. Take care of yourself. Fay
  • c4nd1s
    c4nd1s Member Posts: 6
    KateNTx said:

    Nightmares, sleep, and he still hasn't left
    I fell asleep last night, how, I have no idea, only to jolt awake to the WORST night terror in years (yay PTSD). I had this dream that somehow Ric had a teenaged son and I had to tell him his Dad was in hospital, dying. In the dream, the words "malignant epithelials" were used to describe it. While I had gone home in the dream, he died, and no oone would tell me where his body was. Meanwhile, the neighbors (in the dream)) kept hitting on me. So I busted everything in arms reach, and used the busted glass to carve my face. Then I grabbed a bottle of Ric's favorite whiskey, and shouted "To my husband, Those who knew him, loved him well, those who didn't can go to hell" followed by Screaming "Whiskers' Roadhouse OOH-RAH" at the top of my lungs. I sat bolt upright in bed, shaking and in a cold sweat and realised that for 7 years, whenever I had a night terror, I got over it by resting my head along Ric's collarbone, and listening to his heartbeat until I was able to sleep again, feeling safe listening to the steady thud-thud of his heart. Now, I doubt I'll ever feel safe again. I raced to his side (his hospital bed from home hospice is only about 5 ft from my bedside) and thought for sure he was gone, but here I sit, 4 hours later watching him breathe. It's been 15 days since we were told about the Brain Mets. How do you adapt to thinking you are beating or at least at a draw with this disease, to then watching your husband die in 15 days? 5 days ago, he wanted Cannolis and Pizza, and was joking with us and aware. I hate life right now. I hate losing him. I had a panic attack so bad last night, I thought it was a heart attack (and I have non-life threatening heart issues to start with) and all I could think was, Please God, let this be a Heart Attack so I can go with him. As you can tell by the fact I'm typing this, it wasn't. God, how I wish it was. If I still had a "home" instead of just a house, I'd want to go home.

    Kate your posts brought me
    Kate your posts brought me back to a few days ago sitting next to my husbands hospital bed holding his hand rubbing his head and talking his off hoping and praying he'd wake up and speak to me, kiss me, touch me and hug me like he did when we were in our own bed. he left me on august 27 five days after his birthday and five days before mine. we have three wonderful children together. i know your pain kate and i'll tell you it doesn't get easier, but i find comfort in knowing that my lover of sixteen wonderful years is not hurting anymore. i cry alot but it helps get rid of that massive lump in my throat, sorta. i started funeral arrangements yesterday... it hurts to say those words out loud. it's even worse when people phone and i have to explain oer and over what happened and how i'm doing okay and the kids are okay.. like WTF how do you think we are?? do you honestly think i'm okay?? anyways before i vent about other stuff i feel your pain kate and i hope for the sake of your sanity things work out but at the sametime i want to say be prepare if they don't cause that my friend is a **** reality of this beast we know as cancer.
  • KateNTx
    KateNTx Member Posts: 39
    c4nd1s said:

    Kate your posts brought me
    Kate your posts brought me back to a few days ago sitting next to my husbands hospital bed holding his hand rubbing his head and talking his off hoping and praying he'd wake up and speak to me, kiss me, touch me and hug me like he did when we were in our own bed. he left me on august 27 five days after his birthday and five days before mine. we have three wonderful children together. i know your pain kate and i'll tell you it doesn't get easier, but i find comfort in knowing that my lover of sixteen wonderful years is not hurting anymore. i cry alot but it helps get rid of that massive lump in my throat, sorta. i started funeral arrangements yesterday... it hurts to say those words out loud. it's even worse when people phone and i have to explain oer and over what happened and how i'm doing okay and the kids are okay.. like WTF how do you think we are?? do you honestly think i'm okay?? anyways before i vent about other stuff i feel your pain kate and i hope for the sake of your sanity things work out but at the sametime i want to say be prepare if they don't cause that my friend is a **** reality of this beast we know as cancer.

    I'm holding up ok, motly
    I'm holding up ok, motly because I'm telling Ric stories to our friends about before he got sick, and getting to relive some of our good times. I still feel half-dead inside, and watching him linger in his coma is hard. This morning I put some Clapton on the iTunes for him, and he fluttered his eyes open and tried to mouth along to "Tears in Heaven". I started the Arrangements (Cremation/Urn/Internment/Cremation Jewelry/memorial pendants) Saturday, when the reality of him dying was overwhelming me, and the only way I could approach "sanity" was to force myself to deal with concrete detail work. I'd love to want things to "work out" but the medical facts are even if he were to emerge from this coma, the combination of brain dmage/multi-system failure would only mean prolonged sufferring. I don't want that for him or for me. I'd love to hear him talk to me again, and yesterday I found videos on my computer I thought I had deleted months ago of him, high off his **** from having his teeth pulled, laughing and joking, and tripping out. It was/is a comfort, because I thought I'd never hear him say my name again. Now, I can hear him whenever I need to, and for awhile, I think that's going to be daily.
    I am, mostly ok, or as ok as it is possible to be under these circumstances. Pretty sure that when he actually leaves, I'm going to go through another bad patch, but, now that I've survived the first one, I'm more confident of my ability to get through the rest of it, even if I can't imagine exactly how. We have great friends who have come over every day to see us, two who have stayed with me and Ric since Friday, and Ric's best friend flew in from Virginia to be with us. Thankfully, no one except his kids phones, and they get what I am going through. Our pastor and his wife came by last night for a bit, so I have them to lean on after, as well.
    The VA after my ENORMOUS blow up on the phone at them yesterday, did agree to pay for hospice, so at least that won't be the battle I had expected.
    I'm holding on, and trying to show Ric I can be strong enough that he doesn't have to worry about me. My heart is breaking into smaller pieces each day, but they keep beating. I'll fight to the end, just like Ric has, because that's what he would want me to do, not because I have any desire to go on, and because our memories are now my memories and I never want them forgotten.
    Much Love,
    Kate
  • jimwins
    jimwins Member Posts: 2,107
    KateNTx said:

    I'm holding up ok, motly
    I'm holding up ok, motly because I'm telling Ric stories to our friends about before he got sick, and getting to relive some of our good times. I still feel half-dead inside, and watching him linger in his coma is hard. This morning I put some Clapton on the iTunes for him, and he fluttered his eyes open and tried to mouth along to "Tears in Heaven". I started the Arrangements (Cremation/Urn/Internment/Cremation Jewelry/memorial pendants) Saturday, when the reality of him dying was overwhelming me, and the only way I could approach "sanity" was to force myself to deal with concrete detail work. I'd love to want things to "work out" but the medical facts are even if he were to emerge from this coma, the combination of brain dmage/multi-system failure would only mean prolonged sufferring. I don't want that for him or for me. I'd love to hear him talk to me again, and yesterday I found videos on my computer I thought I had deleted months ago of him, high off his **** from having his teeth pulled, laughing and joking, and tripping out. It was/is a comfort, because I thought I'd never hear him say my name again. Now, I can hear him whenever I need to, and for awhile, I think that's going to be daily.
    I am, mostly ok, or as ok as it is possible to be under these circumstances. Pretty sure that when he actually leaves, I'm going to go through another bad patch, but, now that I've survived the first one, I'm more confident of my ability to get through the rest of it, even if I can't imagine exactly how. We have great friends who have come over every day to see us, two who have stayed with me and Ric since Friday, and Ric's best friend flew in from Virginia to be with us. Thankfully, no one except his kids phones, and they get what I am going through. Our pastor and his wife came by last night for a bit, so I have them to lean on after, as well.
    The VA after my ENORMOUS blow up on the phone at them yesterday, did agree to pay for hospice, so at least that won't be the battle I had expected.
    I'm holding on, and trying to show Ric I can be strong enough that he doesn't have to worry about me. My heart is breaking into smaller pieces each day, but they keep beating. I'll fight to the end, just like Ric has, because that's what he would want me to do, not because I have any desire to go on, and because our memories are now my memories and I never want them forgotten.
    Much Love,
    Kate

    You are strong
    We are brothers and sisters in this journey
    and you are STRONG little sister, Kate.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    KateNTx said:

    I'm holding up ok, motly
    I'm holding up ok, motly because I'm telling Ric stories to our friends about before he got sick, and getting to relive some of our good times. I still feel half-dead inside, and watching him linger in his coma is hard. This morning I put some Clapton on the iTunes for him, and he fluttered his eyes open and tried to mouth along to "Tears in Heaven". I started the Arrangements (Cremation/Urn/Internment/Cremation Jewelry/memorial pendants) Saturday, when the reality of him dying was overwhelming me, and the only way I could approach "sanity" was to force myself to deal with concrete detail work. I'd love to want things to "work out" but the medical facts are even if he were to emerge from this coma, the combination of brain dmage/multi-system failure would only mean prolonged sufferring. I don't want that for him or for me. I'd love to hear him talk to me again, and yesterday I found videos on my computer I thought I had deleted months ago of him, high off his **** from having his teeth pulled, laughing and joking, and tripping out. It was/is a comfort, because I thought I'd never hear him say my name again. Now, I can hear him whenever I need to, and for awhile, I think that's going to be daily.
    I am, mostly ok, or as ok as it is possible to be under these circumstances. Pretty sure that when he actually leaves, I'm going to go through another bad patch, but, now that I've survived the first one, I'm more confident of my ability to get through the rest of it, even if I can't imagine exactly how. We have great friends who have come over every day to see us, two who have stayed with me and Ric since Friday, and Ric's best friend flew in from Virginia to be with us. Thankfully, no one except his kids phones, and they get what I am going through. Our pastor and his wife came by last night for a bit, so I have them to lean on after, as well.
    The VA after my ENORMOUS blow up on the phone at them yesterday, did agree to pay for hospice, so at least that won't be the battle I had expected.
    I'm holding on, and trying to show Ric I can be strong enough that he doesn't have to worry about me. My heart is breaking into smaller pieces each day, but they keep beating. I'll fight to the end, just like Ric has, because that's what he would want me to do, not because I have any desire to go on, and because our memories are now my memories and I never want them forgotten.
    Much Love,
    Kate

    Hard
    I know how hard those last days are, but believe it or not I do have some good memories of my husband's last days. I remember the friends who visited, the stories that made us laugh, the pastor who brought his guitar and sang gospel tunes, the prayers, the people who offered support for our families in so many ways, my husband squeezing my hand when i told him i loved him, and the prayers that were lifted for us. So many people cared. It sounds like you have people who care for you, too. Hold on to the love. The road ahead is not an easy one but somehow you will find the strength to endure. Prayers and hugs, Fay
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    c4nd1s said:

    Kate your posts brought me
    Kate your posts brought me back to a few days ago sitting next to my husbands hospital bed holding his hand rubbing his head and talking his off hoping and praying he'd wake up and speak to me, kiss me, touch me and hug me like he did when we were in our own bed. he left me on august 27 five days after his birthday and five days before mine. we have three wonderful children together. i know your pain kate and i'll tell you it doesn't get easier, but i find comfort in knowing that my lover of sixteen wonderful years is not hurting anymore. i cry alot but it helps get rid of that massive lump in my throat, sorta. i started funeral arrangements yesterday... it hurts to say those words out loud. it's even worse when people phone and i have to explain oer and over what happened and how i'm doing okay and the kids are okay.. like WTF how do you think we are?? do you honestly think i'm okay?? anyways before i vent about other stuff i feel your pain kate and i hope for the sake of your sanity things work out but at the sametime i want to say be prepare if they don't cause that my friend is a **** reality of this beast we know as cancer.

    Sorry C4
    Just sorry. Words don't help but maybe knowing others have been, are, and will continue to be where you are does. Misery doesn't really like company, but we do like knowing we are not alone. Give yourself time to grieve in your own time and way. It really is a process. Take care, Fay
  • Cindy Bear
    Cindy Bear Member Posts: 569
    Kate
    I am so sorry. Your eloquent posts brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me of my SIL. She lost her husband to esoph cancer a year ago. They'd been married 20 yrs . I don't know how she did it, but with support of his 2 sons, brother, best buddy and friends, was able to keep working until 2 wks before he passed, kept him home until the very end. Hospice came in. She lost him 2 mos. after losing her father, my FIL, unexpectedly to heart attack. She was beyond devastated. Someone she kept going. The only advice I can give you it to just keep moving and breathing and praying and hoping and yes crying.. And know you are not alone.
    Thinking of you and Ric and sending big hugs your way.
  • KateNTx
    KateNTx Member Posts: 39

    Kate
    I am so sorry. Your eloquent posts brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me of my SIL. She lost her husband to esoph cancer a year ago. They'd been married 20 yrs . I don't know how she did it, but with support of his 2 sons, brother, best buddy and friends, was able to keep working until 2 wks before he passed, kept him home until the very end. Hospice came in. She lost him 2 mos. after losing her father, my FIL, unexpectedly to heart attack. She was beyond devastated. Someone she kept going. The only advice I can give you it to just keep moving and breathing and praying and hoping and yes crying.. And know you are not alone.
    Thinking of you and Ric and sending big hugs your way.

    Ric Passed at 6pm Central
    Ric Passed at 6pm Central Today. Oddly enough, it was AMAZING. I hurt less tonight than I have for the last several days. The moment we shared Just before he passed was so incredibly beautiful that it is indescribable. I am left with a sense of peace I never expected. He was crying to be leaving me, not from pain, and when I told him (and his best friend did) that I would be ok, he gave me the most incredible smile, opened his eyes wide for the first time since Friday, looked right at me, and smiled and then the light in his eyes just slipped away. It was incredibly peaceful, especially compared to how violent and delusional he was during his last fully conscious day. It took most of the pain of that away.
    I know now that he lived the last 4 days because of our love (medically he should have passed Saturday night), and I am so blessed to have been his wife.
    How incredibly blessed I am to have been with him to the very end.