Family members/friends that just don't seem to care.

bluerose · July 2011

hopeyheartbear said:
Friends just aren't there ...
I'm not in a really good place right now.

Dealing with feeling rejected-abandoned. That is a root issue for me in my life. That is a trigger for me of major pain.

I was diagnosed with vulvar cancer on July 14th. I go in for surgery on the 11th of August.

How do I deal with the fact that the ladies from my Women's Bible Study group that I've know for a few years now have not done anything to keep in touch with me or follow-up with me about how I'm doing, anything. Shoot some of them haven't even so much as acknowledged what is going on with me. I know that on FB it's easy to miss a post sometimes and so I'm trying not to think the worst but I will confess to you that I feel very hurt and rejected and disappointed.

Aren't the Christian women I'm friends with who know me FACE TO FACE supposed to care and show it? I mean I feel more love and support from people I know online that I've never met than from most of them.

One woman - her daughter is one of my youngest's best friends - and since the day of my diagnosis 2 weeks ago when she extended her sympathies and "prayers" she hasn't said anything. Not even a comment on my FB - which is weird because she usually always "likes" or posts on my FB all the time.

Another woman, a girlfriend I have lunch with frequently, since I told her on the phone the day after my diagnosis, I haven't heard a peep.

Shoot I sent emails when I was diagnosed to 2 of the leaders of my women's bible study - one a pastor's wife - and they haven't even responded.

I have to confess, my non-christian women friends are being more supportive and thoughtful. It - throws me for a loop and I am fighting against a resentment building inside me.

Now the other day two people from my church stopped by my house - an older woman and one of the older pastors - both who I never met personally - to check on our family after my mother in laws death on May 27th - which was really nice and I told them at that time about my diagnoses and they prayed with me and it was really nice.

YET, of those women who I see every Thursday morning all through the school year, and those among them who I thought I was closer with ... nothing.

I certainly don't judge God on the actions of people - I know He isn't rejecting me or anything like that - at least I know better than that now.

I am really fighting against feeling rejected, devastated and like most the "Christian" friendships I have are a sham.

Hi Hopey
I am sorry to hear you are in that abandoned state that I know so well. I am here though to tell you that there are valuable lessons to learn from even this crumby part of the whole cancer journey.

I actually had the same thing happen, not only during my early cancer days but over time as well. I am a 24 year cancer survivor now and over time I have noticed that many of my church going friends have drifted off and strangers are in fact much more compassionate. In the beginning when I first heard of my diagnosis there was an immediate withdrawal of lots of friends for who knows what reasons and out of the blue came a stranger I had only talked to a few times who helped me and my family with little gestures like a flan delivered at suppertime to my home as she knew that in treatments I wasn't exactly into baking. lol. She became a very good friend over time. However even she has drifted over the years and often I feel as you do, abandoned and rejected and sometimes even judged. I often wonder why Christians so often tend to be the worst at judging others when isn't there something in the bible that says judging is not a good thing? I have no idea what it all means.

I am spiritual rather than religious, I don't go to church on Sundays but do watch a Sunday service on tv - just found one that works for me. I couldn't quote a passage from the bible if you paid me but I don't think that's what it's all about. It's about how you live your life. I'm no saint, I have made mistakes and will continue to but I try to be a good person as I am sure you are too.

I still feel abandoned from time to time but I have also learned a great deal about myself and people through the journey and I know I have a long way to go still. One thing I have learned is that there are many reasons why people turn away from those with cancer - everything from not being able to deal with their own mortalities by rubbing shoulders with someone with a life threatening illness to just not wanting to discuss the issue with the person with cancer for fear they will say something wrong. There are many many reasons. I think that all we can do is not to judge those who abandon us but rather wish them well and go on our way - hoping they will return to our relationship at some point in our lives. I try to apply that way of thinking to my daughter and now my son is acting the same way but it's not easy when it's your own children. There is a ton of misunderstanding going on there as I'm sure there is with your friends and acquaintances as well as alot of misinformation as well. We do the best we can do and fighting cancer and it's side effects is all we can handle sometimes. Take care of yourself first and heal.

I have also learned that I have alot more courage and strength than I have ever thought possible through handling alot on my own since there are few around to help me now that I am divorced. I have used my time to try and help others with what I have learned, people who are just starting to go through the cancer journey and in doing this have found a purpose in it all. You might think about that kind of thing yourself - turning to help others who are struggling with things that you have realized so far in your journey. You may not think you have alot to share til you start trying to help someone - you will be surprised. Using your energy to help others is a great way to regain happiness and not feel so alone, sites like this help too in allowing you to feel validated in how you are thinking and feeling and often you will find great inspiration in reading many of the posts. I have.

I could go on and on wrting of all I have learned from the rejection and abandonment that seems to accompany the cancer experience, for some more than others, and I guess it boils down to the fact that I truly do feel that there is always a reason for everything. A reason for that abandoned feeling even, maybe it's to teach us non judgemental ways and to help us to realize how valuable we can be to someone else who is going through what we have been through.

I believe that we live on this 'earth school' that I have heard it called by some to nurture our soul and when our lessons are learned for this period of time we move on to learn somewhere else.

Try to look at even the most hurtful and negative aspects of this cancer journey as an opportunity to learn about yourself and others and try not to take things too personally because sometimes the reasons people pull back are totally about them and not about you. There is a certain amount of cancer paranoia I call it that comes with the disease, some experience it more than others who knows why, but we can become very tangled in that and that only serves to hurt us. I believe in the basic good of people and over the years have realized that with this journey with cancer that belief is often tested. Turn the other cheek, wish them well and hope they return one day when they have settled their demons or resolved issues they had to in order to return to your friendship.

Remember not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime. People come in and out of your life and I believe they do so, even for a short time, to teach us something. It's our job to figure out what that is and if the lesson is learned it just might be there time to move on.

Well I could write on this subject forever but I will spare you. lol.

I hope some of this hits home and helps you at this time when you are feeling so low. Look to keeping yourself occupied if not by volunteering to help someone else with doing something you take pleasure in/love to do and in time you will come out of this funk. We all have these periods too, so you aren't alone.

If you find that you are still having very low sad times often then I would suggest seeing a good counsellor who deals in grief and loss of health. I check in now and again with one, I think it's the smart thing to do, and remember cancer isn't easy and sometime we need to seek professional help to get us out of ruts. It happens to most of us so again, you are not alone.

Please feel free to post whenever you feel like it. Remember, you aren't alone any more. We are here for you and truly understand because we have been there.

Blessings,

Bluerose

forest_green · August 2011

zinniemay said:
Cancer
My husband has cancer, I think we both feel that we were . Desent people, few really good friends, but now we are on our own. I see on here where people say they are sick of people asking "How you feel" "You look good" and so on. So even with a husband who has cancer I am not sure what to say to someone else who is in the same shoes.
I love my husband and I would not ever leave him , nor do I want people to stop talking to us for fear of saying something wrong.
With him taking Chemo I know his immune system is not good, So I said to a brother who was plannng on coming here next month (bringing a grandchild one yearold) I said "I do not do babies" Was not what I was trying to say but that is how it can out, so now he is mad and not speaking to me. So it is like We are darn if we do and darn if we don't.
So I have come to the feeling that only people who are walking this nasty road know what we are going thru. I have decided that if they cared they would come ,if not oh well. Does not ease our broken hearts. But enough is enough. My husband is number 1 in my book. So We will take it as it comes!

Zinniemay
I'm sorry to hear your brother doesn't understand. People who are ill, or caring for a loved one who is ill, are stressed beyond belief. Yet it seems we are the ones who have to be careful what we say and do, because others easily take offense. You were right to not want a baby at your house right now. Your husband is in a tenuous position, and he could easily become overwhelmed just from some little cold the baby has. I'm sure your brother hasn't thought of that, or that by having the baby there it could lead to hospitalization for your husband. Why would someone think it's o.k. to do something against our best interest? Because they aren't thinking.

Hopefully your brother will come around and realize how important it is to guard your husband against potential illnesses. Children's immune systems are immature, not capable of mounting the response they need to easily brush off something as simple as a cold. They don't know the best way of preventing the spread of illness (WASHING HANDS!) because they are children. You have the right, in fact, the responsibility, to help protect your husband. You did the right thing.

palmyrafan · August 2011

bluerose said:
Hi Hopey
I am sorry to hear you are in that abandoned state that I know so well. I am here though to tell you that there are valuable lessons to learn from even this crumby part of the whole cancer journey.

I actually had the same thing happen, not only during my early cancer days but over time as well. I am a 24 year cancer survivor now and over time I have noticed that many of my church going friends have drifted off and strangers are in fact much more compassionate. In the beginning when I first heard of my diagnosis there was an immediate withdrawal of lots of friends for who knows what reasons and out of the blue came a stranger I had only talked to a few times who helped me and my family with little gestures like a flan delivered at suppertime to my home as she knew that in treatments I wasn't exactly into baking. lol. She became a very good friend over time. However even she has drifted over the years and often I feel as you do, abandoned and rejected and sometimes even judged. I often wonder why Christians so often tend to be the worst at judging others when isn't there something in the bible that says judging is not a good thing? I have no idea what it all means.

I am spiritual rather than religious, I don't go to church on Sundays but do watch a Sunday service on tv - just found one that works for me. I couldn't quote a passage from the bible if you paid me but I don't think that's what it's all about. It's about how you live your life. I'm no saint, I have made mistakes and will continue to but I try to be a good person as I am sure you are too.

I still feel abandoned from time to time but I have also learned a great deal about myself and people through the journey and I know I have a long way to go still. One thing I have learned is that there are many reasons why people turn away from those with cancer - everything from not being able to deal with their own mortalities by rubbing shoulders with someone with a life threatening illness to just not wanting to discuss the issue with the person with cancer for fear they will say something wrong. There are many many reasons. I think that all we can do is not to judge those who abandon us but rather wish them well and go on our way - hoping they will return to our relationship at some point in our lives. I try to apply that way of thinking to my daughter and now my son is acting the same way but it's not easy when it's your own children. There is a ton of misunderstanding going on there as I'm sure there is with your friends and acquaintances as well as alot of misinformation as well. We do the best we can do and fighting cancer and it's side effects is all we can handle sometimes. Take care of yourself first and heal.

I have also learned that I have alot more courage and strength than I have ever thought possible through handling alot on my own since there are few around to help me now that I am divorced. I have used my time to try and help others with what I have learned, people who are just starting to go through the cancer journey and in doing this have found a purpose in it all. You might think about that kind of thing yourself - turning to help others who are struggling with things that you have realized so far in your journey. You may not think you have alot to share til you start trying to help someone - you will be surprised. Using your energy to help others is a great way to regain happiness and not feel so alone, sites like this help too in allowing you to feel validated in how you are thinking and feeling and often you will find great inspiration in reading many of the posts. I have.

I could go on and on wrting of all I have learned from the rejection and abandonment that seems to accompany the cancer experience, for some more than others, and I guess it boils down to the fact that I truly do feel that there is always a reason for everything. A reason for that abandoned feeling even, maybe it's to teach us non judgemental ways and to help us to realize how valuable we can be to someone else who is going through what we have been through.

I believe that we live on this 'earth school' that I have heard it called by some to nurture our soul and when our lessons are learned for this period of time we move on to learn somewhere else.

Try to look at even the most hurtful and negative aspects of this cancer journey as an opportunity to learn about yourself and others and try not to take things too personally because sometimes the reasons people pull back are totally about them and not about you. There is a certain amount of cancer paranoia I call it that comes with the disease, some experience it more than others who knows why, but we can become very tangled in that and that only serves to hurt us. I believe in the basic good of people and over the years have realized that with this journey with cancer that belief is often tested. Turn the other cheek, wish them well and hope they return one day when they have settled their demons or resolved issues they had to in order to return to your friendship.

Remember not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime. People come in and out of your life and I believe they do so, even for a short time, to teach us something. It's our job to figure out what that is and if the lesson is learned it just might be there time to move on.

Well I could write on this subject forever but I will spare you. lol.

I hope some of this hits home and helps you at this time when you are feeling so low. Look to keeping yourself occupied if not by volunteering to help someone else with doing something you take pleasure in/love to do and in time you will come out of this funk. We all have these periods too, so you aren't alone.

If you find that you are still having very low sad times often then I would suggest seeing a good counsellor who deals in grief and loss of health. I check in now and again with one, I think it's the smart thing to do, and remember cancer isn't easy and sometime we need to seek professional help to get us out of ruts. It happens to most of us so again, you are not alone.

Please feel free to post whenever you feel like it. Remember, you aren't alone any more. We are here for you and truly understand because we have been there.

Blessings,

Bluerose

Denial
My family is in denial and I ain't talking about the river that runs through Egypt. My dad is the head ostrich and has always stuck his head in the sand when he doesn't want to confront things or deal with real problems. My siblings are barely there as well. All surface talk, if they even contact me. My older brother doesn't even contact me, my sister is so consumed by her own life that I'm an afterthought, and my youngest brother at least calls and/or emails my husband or I about what is going on. He also says that we are always in his prayers. My other sister is a gem, she understands and is quick to offer advice and my middle brother is so caught up in his own life, I sometimes think he forgets other people are on this planet with him.When they DO call and say, "how's Teresa?" my husband says, "you should call her yourself" to which they reply, "oh I don't want to bother her, I'd rather talk to you". What? Now all of a sudden I'm contagious (brain cancer) over the phone? Hello?!!!!

But our friends (close friends) and neighbors are great. When my husband has to travel on business, he is quick to line people up if I need to go somewhere (I'm not currently driving), if I have a problem with the house, or just simply to check up on me. These people are awesome and I know that they would be there for me in my time of need if I needed them, just like we are for them if and when they need us.

Or to put it more simply, "each day is a gift to be shared" and I choose who I share it with.

Peace,
Teresa

bluerose · August 2011

palmyrafan said:
Denial
My family is in denial and I ain't talking about the river that runs through Egypt. My dad is the head ostrich and has always stuck his head in the sand when he doesn't want to confront things or deal with real problems. My siblings are barely there as well. All surface talk, if they even contact me. My older brother doesn't even contact me, my sister is so consumed by her own life that I'm an afterthought, and my youngest brother at least calls and/or emails my husband or I about what is going on. He also says that we are always in his prayers. My other sister is a gem, she understands and is quick to offer advice and my middle brother is so caught up in his own life, I sometimes think he forgets other people are on this planet with him.When they DO call and say, "how's Teresa?" my husband says, "you should call her yourself" to which they reply, "oh I don't want to bother her, I'd rather talk to you". What? Now all of a sudden I'm contagious (brain cancer) over the phone? Hello?!!!!

But our friends (close friends) and neighbors are great. When my husband has to travel on business, he is quick to line people up if I need to go somewhere (I'm not currently driving), if I have a problem with the house, or just simply to check up on me. These people are awesome and I know that they would be there for me in my time of need if I needed them, just like we are for them if and when they need us.

Or to put it more simply, "each day is a gift to be shared" and I choose who I share it with.

Peace,
Teresa

Hi Teresa
Sorry to hear about your family's response to your illness but alas it's all too common for all the reasons I went over in previous posts on this subject. The good news for you and I is that friends and neighbours rallied and it sounds like your husband is very supportive so it could be worse - there could be no one helping you - so for that you are indeed blessed.

That happened to me too in that it was neighbours who came out of nowhere, some I didn't even know well, and actually today one of those people is now one of my best friends. It's funny how strangers sometimes show up right at the right moment and pitch in.

Hope all is going well with you.

Blessings,

Bluerose

palmyrafan · August 2011

bluerose said:
Hi Teresa
Sorry to hear about your family's response to your illness but alas it's all too common for all the reasons I went over in previous posts on this subject. The good news for you and I is that friends and neighbours rallied and it sounds like your husband is very supportive so it could be worse - there could be no one helping you - so for that you are indeed blessed.

That happened to me too in that it was neighbours who came out of nowhere, some I didn't even know well, and actually today one of those people is now one of my best friends. It's funny how strangers sometimes show up right at the right moment and pitch in.

Hope all is going well with you.

Blessings,

Bluerose

Family and Friends
Fortunately, I am used to my family and I am not surprised by any of their actions.

As for my husband? He is the love of my life and I, his. I am so Blessed to have him in my life; I don't know what I would do without him.

I treasure each day because that means that is another day that I am winning, not the cancer.

My husband manages about 120 people at the corporate office and whenever there are meetings, they always ask about me first, before the meetings start. We've even had quite a few give me their cell # for when Neil is out of town on business and have told me to call them, day or night, if I need anything. Well, twice I did need help. I ended up in the E.R. 2 different times and our good friend and Neil's colleague, Daniel, came to my rescue and got me the medical attention I needed. Wouldn't take money for gas and even stayed in the guest room after he brought me home to make sure I would be okay through the night. Now that is a hell of a friend! That's why I only surround myself with people that matter, because life is too short to do otherwise.

Peace,
Teresa

ms.sunshine · August 2011

palmyrafan said:
Family and Friends
Fortunately, I am used to my family and I am not surprised by any of their actions.

As for my husband? He is the love of my life and I, his. I am so Blessed to have him in my life; I don't know what I would do without him.

I treasure each day because that means that is another day that I am winning, not the cancer.

My husband manages about 120 people at the corporate office and whenever there are meetings, they always ask about me first, before the meetings start. We've even had quite a few give me their cell # for when Neil is out of town on business and have told me to call them, day or night, if I need anything. Well, twice I did need help. I ended up in the E.R. 2 different times and our good friend and Neil's colleague, Daniel, came to my rescue and got me the medical attention I needed. Wouldn't take money for gas and even stayed in the guest room after he brought me home to make sure I would be okay through the night. Now that is a hell of a friend! That's why I only surround myself with people that matter, because life is too short to do otherwise.

Peace,
Teresa

New perspective
I have felt all the emotions that all have described from family and friends. My help has come from folks that I thought were most unlikely to step up. The loudest ones took a step back while the quiet ones emerged.

I've realized there are strong, and weak individuals. People can not give what isn't in them to give. As a strong person (yeah you know if this is you) you are called to do things the weak could never do. One of the things we, the strong, have been called to do is to forgive those that are weak.

Family members/friends that just don't seem to care.

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