Relationships and marriage before and after the diagnosis

Many people post about this.
Many people post about this. sometimes it stregthens a relationship and makes you see the person through different eyes. In some case it is the straw that breaks the camel's back. Others have had Significant others leave them. It definately challenges you and how you cope. You notice the differences, and the communication changes. I have had BC 3 times in different stages of my life, and the relationship changed both times.

With all that we have to go
With all that we have to go thru and all of the stress, I believe it can help, hurt or not change your relationship at all.

For me, my marriage got even stronger which I didn't know was possible. We are fighting for our lives with a terrible disease and it can make people look differently at you.


Jan

pinkkari09 said:

Hi LuciAnn, My husband wound
Hi LuciAnn, My husband wound up cheating while I was fighting for my life. After my major surgery, I moved out. Now today, we are divorced and he is very remorseful and helps in any way he can. Not sure how to react to this, but one thing I do know, I'm happy alone and plan on staying that way. Our marriage was rocky before the cancer. There are many posts on this and as stated, it either gets stronger, fails, or stays the same. Best of luck with your sister.
Miles of Love,
~Kari

I think any serious stressful situation will push a troubled
relationship over the edge. Most women give well over 50 percent to make their marriages work so when they can't while going through bc treatments, the truth comes out. The good men rally and who wants the ones who don't?

Roseann

CypressCynthia said:

I do believe that it can
I do believe that it can shine a light onto your relationship, so that you are maybe able to see it more clearly. The rats will really show their butts and the good guys will be there for you 100%. I am lucky and have a good guy. Cancer made me appreciate him a lot more. Whenever I am ill, he is right there: taking me to the doctor's, taking care of me when I'm sick and always being a cheerleader for me. But the stress can break good people apart too--communication is so important.

CC looks like you had a
CC looks like you had a great time! Agree with above totally. I am lucky that my husband has stood by and helped me so much. He doesnt always get it, but he really has held me up.

couples CAN get through it, it is hard work!
Hi Luci Ann,
Oh how the stresses of a cancer diagnosis & treatment affect the entire family. My husband & I are in our 30s, with 2 daughters aged 9 and 2, and have been married 10 years, together for 17. We've had ups & downs throughout my treatment, the hardest part was actually right after i finished active treatment (chemo), in October. Things seemed to escalate into alot of bickering, nagging, it got to a point where we could hardly be around each other. He was frustrated with the damn cancer & wanted things to get back to normal, I was having mood swings & just pissed off at the world, lol. It seems to have been a phase that we worked through. For a while we were writing letters, emails, and texts to each other to communicate, because talking just led to arguing. I say, whatever means of communication works for you, use it. We also talked to a counselor a few times. I think any realationship in which the people are committed to making it through, can survive cancer, as long as both have desire & willingness to keep the lines of communication open. My husband and i are back in sync with each other now, and the bickering & arguments have really decreased. We've learned through this to really speak our minds to each other, instead of not saying what's going on, and again, communication has been key to our marriage coming out stronger than before my diagnosis.
My relationship with my best friend, however, is quickly deteriorating. Shes my cousin, and we have been close since we were little girls. The farther away from treatment I get, the more aggravated she gets with me. Im not the same person I was before my diagnosis. Apparently she doesn't like the "new" me as much as the old....
*hugs*
Heather

Heatherbelle said:

couples CAN get through it, it is hard work!
Hi Luci Ann,
Oh how the stresses of a cancer diagnosis & treatment affect the entire family. My husband & I are in our 30s, with 2 daughters aged 9 and 2, and have been married 10 years, together for 17. We've had ups & downs throughout my treatment, the hardest part was actually right after i finished active treatment (chemo), in October. Things seemed to escalate into alot of bickering, nagging, it got to a point where we could hardly be around each other. He was frustrated with the damn cancer & wanted things to get back to normal, I was having mood swings & just pissed off at the world, lol. It seems to have been a phase that we worked through. For a while we were writing letters, emails, and texts to each other to communicate, because talking just led to arguing. I say, whatever means of communication works for you, use it. We also talked to a counselor a few times. I think any realationship in which the people are committed to making it through, can survive cancer, as long as both have desire & willingness to keep the lines of communication open. My husband and i are back in sync with each other now, and the bickering & arguments have really decreased. We've learned through this to really speak our minds to each other, instead of not saying what's going on, and again, communication has been key to our marriage coming out stronger than before my diagnosis.
My relationship with my best friend, however, is quickly deteriorating. Shes my cousin, and we have been close since we were little girls. The farther away from treatment I get, the more aggravated she gets with me. Im not the same person I was before my diagnosis. Apparently she doesn't like the "new" me as much as the old....
*hugs*
Heather

it's hard
My husband and I had a huge fight last night over something minor and fixable. We are both being forced to rethink our roles. We have 2 daughters, I work full time as a nurse, and am going to school to finish my BSN. This cancer has lousy timing.

I'm the glue that holds my family together... make my husbands lunch, taxi the girls to school, plan and cook the meals, and the hundred other things moms do. I have to learn to let go of things. If my husband doesn't make his own lunch,then going hungry is his choice. It doesn't mean I don't love him. It means I'm tired. But it has been a big adjustment for him. As a nurse, it really is in my nature to take care of everyone and my family has come to expect it from me.

I'm only at the beginning of this fight with cancer. My diagnosis was 9 weeks ago. My surgery was 6 days ago. The incision under my arm still hurts. It is this dull aching pain that just leaves me tired. I just wish he was the nurse for a while.

Marcia527 said:

My relationship with my DH
My relationship with my DH remained the same. Everybody's situation is different so they would have different outcomes. Pretty complicated sometimes.

Marriage
Our Marriage is better.But it took me to say Things must change.I have always been one who was not supported through illness surgeries etc.He just went on with life just the way it was.Never helped me much at all.I came home from my breast surgeries doing things. you know the lumpectomies are easy but for the pain and I take no pain meds. He wasn't giving me any attention and sometimes not backing me if our son and his wife did things to upset me. They had moved in our camper till things got straightened out financially the very day of my lumpectomies. They got on my nerves.I was at the point of no return,

One day I told my husband he must change.He did do a 360 but he still gives other people attention. For 9 months now he has been telling me he love me every day.He and I are totally different.I had to have this with being diagnosed with cancer.Never before I just went along with our life the way it was but now I needed to be loved and felt loved.It is totally different for us.I can't believe it.He never said I love you during our marriage.

It was strange about the whole thing.Just before being diagnosed everyone(doctors nurses etc) were telling me I was pretty.Never got that before but I'm not ugly.Everywhere I went for a year people had no idea I was over 60.Said my eyes are pretty, my hair and just always was complimented.Strange but I must have had a glow through it all.Even though I was hurting inside.It came to me I needed a serious change in my marriage.Now my husband and I are so close,loving and never go by a day without saying "I love you" more than once.He even calls me from work(never did) and tells me he loves me.

I will say my husband has always been faithful but he is a big Flirt.Not according to him but to me and others.Gets to me but hey he is loving now.I came to grips men like that never change.They need attention!!!!!!

Heatherbelle said:

couples CAN get through it, it is hard work!
Hi Luci Ann,
Oh how the stresses of a cancer diagnosis & treatment affect the entire family. My husband & I are in our 30s, with 2 daughters aged 9 and 2, and have been married 10 years, together for 17. We've had ups & downs throughout my treatment, the hardest part was actually right after i finished active treatment (chemo), in October. Things seemed to escalate into alot of bickering, nagging, it got to a point where we could hardly be around each other. He was frustrated with the damn cancer & wanted things to get back to normal, I was having mood swings & just pissed off at the world, lol. It seems to have been a phase that we worked through. For a while we were writing letters, emails, and texts to each other to communicate, because talking just led to arguing. I say, whatever means of communication works for you, use it. We also talked to a counselor a few times. I think any realationship in which the people are committed to making it through, can survive cancer, as long as both have desire & willingness to keep the lines of communication open. My husband and i are back in sync with each other now, and the bickering & arguments have really decreased. We've learned through this to really speak our minds to each other, instead of not saying what's going on, and again, communication has been key to our marriage coming out stronger than before my diagnosis.
My relationship with my best friend, however, is quickly deteriorating. Shes my cousin, and we have been close since we were little girls. The farther away from treatment I get, the more aggravated she gets with me. Im not the same person I was before my diagnosis. Apparently she doesn't like the "new" me as much as the old....
*hugs*
Heather

Similar experience
Like Heatherbelle, my relationship with my significant (not married but been together since 1997)had some pretty rough patches during my treatment. I think he was frustrated with dealing with someone that was sick all the time. Before my diagnosis we were both fairly independent people but after, I needed to rely on him ALL THE TIME. It was a dynamic change that took some adjusting to.

My relationship with my bff has been steadily deteriorating. We had been friends for about 15 years. She did not come visit me after my first surgery and only came once after my second surgery. Although I never needed her sympathy, I did expect her to act more caring. Over time, I've come to resent her complaining about what now seems to me minor life things (she has a bad headache, she's tired....whatever). Her "normal life complaints" seem so trivial in comparison to what we go through that I have a tough time talking to her most of the time. She didn't understand when I didn't feel well enough to go out for a girls day on the weekends like we used to....those kinds of things.

I don't believe this needs to destroy any relationship but it certainly will challenge all relationships. Having an illness changes the dynamic. But the change can be used to strengthen the good that you already have.

Hugs,
Michele

Heatherbelle said:

couples CAN get through it, it is hard work!
Hi Luci Ann,
Oh how the stresses of a cancer diagnosis & treatment affect the entire family. My husband & I are in our 30s, with 2 daughters aged 9 and 2, and have been married 10 years, together for 17. We've had ups & downs throughout my treatment, the hardest part was actually right after i finished active treatment (chemo), in October. Things seemed to escalate into alot of bickering, nagging, it got to a point where we could hardly be around each other. He was frustrated with the damn cancer & wanted things to get back to normal, I was having mood swings & just pissed off at the world, lol. It seems to have been a phase that we worked through. For a while we were writing letters, emails, and texts to each other to communicate, because talking just led to arguing. I say, whatever means of communication works for you, use it. We also talked to a counselor a few times. I think any realationship in which the people are committed to making it through, can survive cancer, as long as both have desire & willingness to keep the lines of communication open. My husband and i are back in sync with each other now, and the bickering & arguments have really decreased. We've learned through this to really speak our minds to each other, instead of not saying what's going on, and again, communication has been key to our marriage coming out stronger than before my diagnosis.
My relationship with my best friend, however, is quickly deteriorating. Shes my cousin, and we have been close since we were little girls. The farther away from treatment I get, the more aggravated she gets with me. Im not the same person I was before my diagnosis. Apparently she doesn't like the "new" me as much as the old....
*hugs*
Heather

@Heather...
Happy to hear got through it all with hubby and so sorry about couisn/friend...I HOPE things works out...

Denise