spouse or significent other

disneyfan2008
disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
edited February 2011 in Breast Cancer #1
I just typed and lost -so i'll try again

How do most of your spouses etc act in regards to BC...

MINE likes to stick head in sand-recent comment well YOU're ok since caught early! (like I am good to go for life)

He has gone to surgeon appts/hospital etc. But he never really asks or inquires about tests results etc...maybe it's fear, I THINK DENIAL!

Just curious how others react...

married 25 yrs..good guy-just ......looks the other way sorta of speaking..

make sense to anyone?

Denise W.
«13

Comments

  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member
    Denise .. Our lives, are different .. we see that 'tower of
    doom' lurking behind us as we attempt to life. Our significant other (husband, like yours), seem doesn't care to hear (his take - if it happens, we will deal with it, when it happens - lets not dwell on it today, or tomorrow) .. the term 'recurrence' and what havoc it can rain on our lives, yet again. I call it, Self Preservation, for them.

    It's difficult for us WARRIORS- Sisters in PINK, Kindred Spirits and Newbie facing the multi-facets of emotions breast cancer brings to our lives.

    I find it refreshing as well, as grounding that my husband rational one in our partnership right now - as my world, life and being has been about my breast cancer journey for the past 18 months. So, hence my reason for coming here to ACS - Breast Cancer Support site. Day after day ...

    Peace, Strength and Courage.

    Vicki Sam
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    VickiSam said:

    Denise .. Our lives, are different .. we see that 'tower of
    doom' lurking behind us as we attempt to life. Our significant other (husband, like yours), seem doesn't care to hear (his take - if it happens, we will deal with it, when it happens - lets not dwell on it today, or tomorrow) .. the term 'recurrence' and what havoc it can rain on our lives, yet again. I call it, Self Preservation, for them.

    It's difficult for us WARRIORS- Sisters in PINK, Kindred Spirits and Newbie facing the multi-facets of emotions breast cancer brings to our lives.

    I find it refreshing as well, as grounding that my husband rational one in our partnership right now - as my world, life and being has been about my breast cancer journey for the past 18 months. So, hence my reason for coming here to ACS - Breast Cancer Support site. Day after day ...

    Peace, Strength and Courage.

    Vicki Sam

    @vicki
    I do not worry about getting it again or dwell and dont' complain...I just am very hurt her never asked me results...even after I yelled and sobbed/ cried..still never really asked...

    MORE he forgot -lack of actions per say...! hurt me very bad...few things I can't get over that being one and my job called me in 3 days into radiation said YOU can't leave for them...as of tomorrow take sick days! May be simple to some but in my heart deep down! I don't let work know (they dont' care anyhow)

    NOT much I can' get over...

    Thanks for your imput!

    Denise W
  • joannstar
    joannstar Member Posts: 403 Member
    stoically supportive
    My husband (of just over 1 year) is "stoically supportive". He asks me how I feel and waits with me on pins and needles for test results. He has taken me to any appointments I've asked him to. He doesn't "pry" too deep know it will send me off the deep end as I seem to be able to cry from just a look.
    Men react differently than women (although my hubby is more emotional than most). I think that it scares them if they can't "fix it". I don't think it is denial, it is fear mixed with helplessness. Last night as I was saying, "well, I guess it is in God's hands" (referring to my upcoming blood test), he said, "NO! I expect you to fight with every cell in your being to beat this thing!"
    Hugs,
    JoAnn
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    joannstar said:

    stoically supportive
    My husband (of just over 1 year) is "stoically supportive". He asks me how I feel and waits with me on pins and needles for test results. He has taken me to any appointments I've asked him to. He doesn't "pry" too deep know it will send me off the deep end as I seem to be able to cry from just a look.
    Men react differently than women (although my hubby is more emotional than most). I think that it scares them if they can't "fix it". I don't think it is denial, it is fear mixed with helplessness. Last night as I was saying, "well, I guess it is in God's hands" (referring to my upcoming blood test), he said, "NO! I expect you to fight with every cell in your being to beat this thing!"
    Hugs,
    JoAnn

    please don't get me wong
    My hubby is good guy-yes we all think differntly-! Perhaps your are right-he can't fix this problem!

    Just to compare him not asking me about urgent appt biopsy & supervisior calling me in being every so heartless on same list...is bad...!

    Thanks for imput...

    Denise W
  • ElizabethB
    ElizabethB Member Posts: 89
    MY Rock
    My husband is my rock. he is attached to my hip threw this whole thing. He so enjoys taking care of me he tells me several times a day how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. He keeps me motivated and holds me when I final break down into tears. And he tells me don't worry honey it will all be ok I will be your rock lean on me.He says I wish I could take your pain so you can have a easy day. And you know what!! I usually feel a little better. He is my big Rock and my soft teddy bear......now we are not young by no means i am 61 and my husband is 63 we will be celebrating our 5 anniversary in May. Family so helps and we are all family if you need a cyber hug or just want to chat I am all ears please feel free to chat with me'
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    Denise.....
    Yes, they say that men are "fixers." Things that they can't fix, they seem to rarely bring up. I guess they must just feel kind of helpless in that case.

    My husband has always been great about getting me to appts., treatments, etc.

    When I was finished with rads though, he needed triple bypass. Then developed a blood clot and spent another 3 weeks in the hospital. (an hour drive each way for me)

    This past December, he had a heart attack, from which he is, thankfully, recovering well. Back to work now, even.

    We pretty much have become a real team now, in that he helps me/goes with me oftentimes, for my medical issues. And I go with him. I guess we have come to rely on each other because we have both endured serious illnesses. We have an appreciation for what we are both going through.

    I have to wonder if he hadn't become ill, would he still be as understanding and helpful?? Not sure, because he has always been one of those "fixers."

    Having said that, we are both very weary of medical tests and doctors being our "social life"...lol!

    I'm pretty sure, even never having met your husband, that he cares very deeply, and yes, maybe it's fear that he feels with each test or treatment.

    Hugs,
    CR
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    CR1954 said:

    Denise.....
    Yes, they say that men are "fixers." Things that they can't fix, they seem to rarely bring up. I guess they must just feel kind of helpless in that case.

    My husband has always been great about getting me to appts., treatments, etc.

    When I was finished with rads though, he needed triple bypass. Then developed a blood clot and spent another 3 weeks in the hospital. (an hour drive each way for me)

    This past December, he had a heart attack, from which he is, thankfully, recovering well. Back to work now, even.

    We pretty much have become a real team now, in that he helps me/goes with me oftentimes, for my medical issues. And I go with him. I guess we have come to rely on each other because we have both endured serious illnesses. We have an appreciation for what we are both going through.

    I have to wonder if he hadn't become ill, would he still be as understanding and helpful?? Not sure, because he has always been one of those "fixers."

    Having said that, we are both very weary of medical tests and doctors being our "social life"...lol!

    I'm pretty sure, even never having met your husband, that he cares very deeply, and yes, maybe it's fear that he feels with each test or treatment.

    Hugs,
    CR

    My husband has been very
    My husband has been very supportive and he is always willing to listen if I need to talk. He asks all the time how am I, is everything okay etc. He always rubs my head and pats it. Kind of like you pat the dog's head. LOL He went to every appointment except the radiation ones (I insisted that he not take every day off work to go to an appointment that lasted only a few minutes for the actual treatment). He still goes to every apppointment, even my regular check ups. And I go to all of his. I am not a worrier, except about him while he worries about both of us, the kids, the grandkids, money, our friends, the family, well just about everything. Maybe not worry but concern. No, it's worry. Funny, though, in spite of his worrying he is very upbeat.
    I think that just like we all handle this in our own unique ways so do our near and dears. For some the ostrich approach works, other's must know all the details, still other's follow our leads in how they deal. I think the important thing is that they are with us whether they talk about it or not, whether they go to every appointment or none, whether they hover over us or go out to the garage to work on something, they are here. And some do find talking about it difficult, it makes it just too real for them. I look at it this way. We are the most important thing in their lives and for some verbalizing their fear of loss is just too hard to bear. For others talking gets the fear out.
    Think about how scary just the word cancer is. What was your first thought when you first heard the word, whether it was your diagnosis or maybe someone else's? That was probably how our loved ones felt too. And it may be harder for them on a certain level because they don't have the control, they aren't bearing the pain, losing the hair, etc. they are just having to sit by and watch and be unable to do anything to rid us of the beast. How helpless they must feel and for men feeling helpless can really do a number on them? Men are conditioned to protect, provide and take care of us. Old fashioned, outdated, but true. Don't know where this is going, just wanted to say that they are all different but they love us and that is the most important thing.
    Stef
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    CR1954 said:

    Denise.....
    Yes, they say that men are "fixers." Things that they can't fix, they seem to rarely bring up. I guess they must just feel kind of helpless in that case.

    My husband has always been great about getting me to appts., treatments, etc.

    When I was finished with rads though, he needed triple bypass. Then developed a blood clot and spent another 3 weeks in the hospital. (an hour drive each way for me)

    This past December, he had a heart attack, from which he is, thankfully, recovering well. Back to work now, even.

    We pretty much have become a real team now, in that he helps me/goes with me oftentimes, for my medical issues. And I go with him. I guess we have come to rely on each other because we have both endured serious illnesses. We have an appreciation for what we are both going through.

    I have to wonder if he hadn't become ill, would he still be as understanding and helpful?? Not sure, because he has always been one of those "fixers."

    Having said that, we are both very weary of medical tests and doctors being our "social life"...lol!

    I'm pretty sure, even never having met your husband, that he cares very deeply, and yes, maybe it's fear that he feels with each test or treatment.

    Hugs,
    CR

    @CR
    He is loving hubby...honest, considerate etc...great with grown kids and grandchildren (all living with us) but he is denil person with many unpleasant things-I just think this is how he deals.

    my therapist thinks since I say I am not a worrier about any tests-since I am not worried he is not. But even though I do not worry I still want to KNOW the results good or bad!

    I am not complainer..but one day I did about something (medical) he said try to be more positive...I bit his head off...

    When this all started & called back for mammo the next day..I said OH no biggie-then sent for biopsy I said NO biggie- then went to surgeon etc. so I only complain or vent...on occassion about medical (ON top of ulcertive colotis & menopause all at the same time)

    so to say be MORE POSITIVE didn't cut it..

    Thanks for letting me vent...
    Denise W
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    fauxma said:

    My husband has been very
    My husband has been very supportive and he is always willing to listen if I need to talk. He asks all the time how am I, is everything okay etc. He always rubs my head and pats it. Kind of like you pat the dog's head. LOL He went to every appointment except the radiation ones (I insisted that he not take every day off work to go to an appointment that lasted only a few minutes for the actual treatment). He still goes to every apppointment, even my regular check ups. And I go to all of his. I am not a worrier, except about him while he worries about both of us, the kids, the grandkids, money, our friends, the family, well just about everything. Maybe not worry but concern. No, it's worry. Funny, though, in spite of his worrying he is very upbeat.
    I think that just like we all handle this in our own unique ways so do our near and dears. For some the ostrich approach works, other's must know all the details, still other's follow our leads in how they deal. I think the important thing is that they are with us whether they talk about it or not, whether they go to every appointment or none, whether they hover over us or go out to the garage to work on something, they are here. And some do find talking about it difficult, it makes it just too real for them. I look at it this way. We are the most important thing in their lives and for some verbalizing their fear of loss is just too hard to bear. For others talking gets the fear out.
    Think about how scary just the word cancer is. What was your first thought when you first heard the word, whether it was your diagnosis or maybe someone else's? That was probably how our loved ones felt too. And it may be harder for them on a certain level because they don't have the control, they aren't bearing the pain, losing the hair, etc. they are just having to sit by and watch and be unable to do anything to rid us of the beast. How helpless they must feel and for men feeling helpless can really do a number on them? Men are conditioned to protect, provide and take care of us. Old fashioned, outdated, but true. Don't know where this is going, just wanted to say that they are all different but they love us and that is the most important thing.
    Stef

    @stef
    Thanks for your imput...brought tears to my eyes in good way..therapist told me since I am always UP beat and say I am NOT worry..he just takes MY lead...IF I am not worried why should he!?????

    Thanks again

    Denise W

    almost 2 yrs after my treatment was done my now adult daughter said to me-why did you go to your daily treatments alone? ONE of us should have gone! I never even thought of them going, expected them to! But nice in hindsight she inquired. (I worked full time and did it on my lunch hour-so raced there and back for 8 wks)
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    I have one of those right
    I have one of those right there with me nurturing kind of guys. I had only been dating Reggie about a year when I was 1st diagnosed; as we had no history, I figured he could have (rightfully) decided he had not signed up for that, and back away. He didn't! The thing that touched my brother the most was, the night before my surgery, Reggie bought me a little diamond ring and told me it meant he was with me for "the long haul." He went to every Drs appt, shaved my head, cooked, cleaned, went to all of my chemo and radiations.We also became involved as a couple at the Relay For Life events, or the Revlon Walk For Women's Cancer, and just yesterday we also registered to do a 10 MILE ( give me strength!) walk for Breast Cancer. I had the great honor of respresenting CSN in Washington DC in 2006, and Reggie was with me for that too.

    And yet; I will bet you money he has no idea what stage I am, how large my lump was, how many nodes I had removed, etc etc etc. He has never posted here on CSN, nor gone to any support groups for himself. He will, however, wear pink golf shirts and otherwise show his support for me publically.

    Fast forward 8 years...as you all know, I just had surgery last week, and I see my surgeon tomorrow morning and the oncologist Thursday. Reggie cancelled all of his days to be with me. Which is a big deal ( to me) as he is part of a Men's Golf Club, and they have tournament play this Thursday. He is giving that up for me!!!! At the end of the day, though BC does not define who I am or who we are, I really don't care that he doesn't know my pathology and can't do "cancer-speak." I do know he takes care of me, loves me like crazy, and yeah...he's scared he's going to lose me.

    He both nurtures and fixes what he can...a good balance!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    My beau is a doctor....
    So, at first, he was VERY clinical...lol...then I complained that I didn't need ANOTHER doctor, or a tumor board at home...ROFL!

    He had alot on his plate, dear soul. 2 weeks after I was dx'ed the first time (rectal cancer, stage III, given 6 months to live...), his father in The Netherlands died suddenly, and so he was VERY torn as to what to do. I DEMANDED he go to his mom, that I planned on being around a long,long time just to bug everyone. He made the mistake of asking my onc...SHE told him that the choice was his, but should he go he "may be coming home to another funeral"....sigh...not exactly tactful...

    But, I agree with others...I never let on that I was scared to death, so, as a result, he didn't react, either. Or so I thought. Years later we talked about the whole thing and he said "you have no idea how many times I wept for you! But I didn't want to shake your confidence that everything would work out, so I kept it to myself. I really thought I was going to lose you!".

    (teehee...not only did he not get his wish then, but I'm still a pain in his neck, more than 5 years later...ROFL!)

    Big dutch hugs, Kathi
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member

    @CR
    He is loving hubby...honest, considerate etc...great with grown kids and grandchildren (all living with us) but he is denil person with many unpleasant things-I just think this is how he deals.

    my therapist thinks since I say I am not a worrier about any tests-since I am not worried he is not. But even though I do not worry I still want to KNOW the results good or bad!

    I am not complainer..but one day I did about something (medical) he said try to be more positive...I bit his head off...

    When this all started & called back for mammo the next day..I said OH no biggie-then sent for biopsy I said NO biggie- then went to surgeon etc. so I only complain or vent...on occassion about medical (ON top of ulcertive colotis & menopause all at the same time)

    so to say be MORE POSITIVE didn't cut it..

    Thanks for letting me vent...
    Denise W

    Always.........
    Always glad to let you vent. That's one reason why we're here.

    Yep, I'm guessing that because you have been the stoic, non-complaining warrior, that he maybe doesn't think it's all that big a deal. I don't know...

    I will tell you that I have had my total meltdowns and my husband has witnessed them. I think I have scared him on occasion. He KNOWS that I am a worrier, have ALWAYS been a worrier and I will continue to be a worrier.

    You have a lot of health issues going on all at once and you deserve a great big hug. So, sending one across the miles to you.

    CR
  • lizzie17
    lizzie17 Member Posts: 548
    him
    He supports me by helping me to live a more healthy lifestyle. Organic foods, exercise, no artificial sweeteners, etc. For the first time in 2 years, he actually broke down and cried the day after my MRI. That was the very first emotion he has ever shown about it. BUT...I am overweight, and the delivery of his good intentions isn't always so comforting, because he blames my former use of diet coke and extra weight for the reason I am now in treatment for BC.
  • Double Whammy
    Double Whammy Member Posts: 2,832 Member
    lizzie17 said:

    him
    He supports me by helping me to live a more healthy lifestyle. Organic foods, exercise, no artificial sweeteners, etc. For the first time in 2 years, he actually broke down and cried the day after my MRI. That was the very first emotion he has ever shown about it. BUT...I am overweight, and the delivery of his good intentions isn't always so comforting, because he blames my former use of diet coke and extra weight for the reason I am now in treatment for BC.

    Mine was surprisingly supportive
    We've been married 36 years. I used to quip that I hoped I wouldn't be the one to get sick first, because I'd probably starve to death or die of neglect. I was so pleasantly surprised about how he has taken care of me these past 10 months. I felt (and still do) safe, comforted, and loved. He went to all of my initial appointments with me, asked questions I didn't think about (and understood about 10% of what we were told) but he went and he listened and participated. He was very uncomfortable with my visits to the gynecologic oncologist, but was fine with all the breast cancer docs and even stayed for breast exams (he probably couldn't think of an excuse to leave). But as soon as the gyn onc asked me to undress and said he was going to do a pelvic exam, he was outa there like a cat covering @#$! in a sandstorm! I've never taken him with me for follow-ups after hysterectomy, either. I guess there's just some things we don't have to share.

    What is interesting, and as some of you have experienced, is the level of denial (or at least what he says to me). I do have a positive outlook for the future, and now that active treatments are behind me and I feel fabulous, I don't dwell on it as much. Some time ago I dropped a number about the potential percentage for recurrence and it was like the first time he'd even considered it might come back. I have no idea what he thought all the follow-up appointments are for.

    Men are just odd. I've lived long enough to know that for a fact . . .

    Suzanne
  • Findingout
    Findingout Member Posts: 132
    Hi Denise,
    I do hope you'll

    Hi Denise,
    I do hope you'll be able to pull something from this... I do think males are generally 'fixers' and are very frustrated about the lack of control with cancer. I found an online brochure that I re-wrote and sent to my ex mate, who was coming by but was obviously uncomfortable. It would make me feel hurt so I emailed him that he doesnt have to come by if he doesn't really want to, I'll feel better if he's just honest. Then he wrote back that he felt like he had a "limited set of tools" to help me. That was an eye opener and then I happened to find this brochure online.
    After that he started hugging me whenever he stopped by and asking how I am doing.
    Here is what I wrote to him - and I never discussed it w/ him because it seemed like that could be a turn off (you know men and talking!) So here it is, I hope it's helpful. -Lin

    "I read an online brochure for friends of people w/ cancer. It said how friends and mates can feel frustrated about how to help and I remembered your email about that. I know you're a fix-it person so I see how that could be frustrating.
    It said friends can ask the person what they'd like or how they feel, and listen to them, and don't get sidetracked about finding ways to 'fix" it, sometimes it can't be fixed, but just ask them and listen to them and that in itself is helpful. Friendship is a tremendously healing thing itself. The friend doesn't have to fix anything, just ask how the person is today, or give them a hug, listen.
    But I know you, and when you hear me talk about pain or somehting like that, you get a little anxious that you can't fix it and you are not sure what to do or say. You can just say that (that you're frustrated). I'm not expecting you to fix everything (although you do come up with some good fixes!!).
    I'm only writing this because the brochure reminded me of you and the frustratiion or awkwardness that commonly arises in these situations and so that our communication can be open and comfortable and you don't feel frustrated, or think you have a 'limited" set of tools. When you told me that, it was so helpful, I think I got it."
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member

    Mine was surprisingly supportive
    We've been married 36 years. I used to quip that I hoped I wouldn't be the one to get sick first, because I'd probably starve to death or die of neglect. I was so pleasantly surprised about how he has taken care of me these past 10 months. I felt (and still do) safe, comforted, and loved. He went to all of my initial appointments with me, asked questions I didn't think about (and understood about 10% of what we were told) but he went and he listened and participated. He was very uncomfortable with my visits to the gynecologic oncologist, but was fine with all the breast cancer docs and even stayed for breast exams (he probably couldn't think of an excuse to leave). But as soon as the gyn onc asked me to undress and said he was going to do a pelvic exam, he was outa there like a cat covering @#$! in a sandstorm! I've never taken him with me for follow-ups after hysterectomy, either. I guess there's just some things we don't have to share.

    What is interesting, and as some of you have experienced, is the level of denial (or at least what he says to me). I do have a positive outlook for the future, and now that active treatments are behind me and I feel fabulous, I don't dwell on it as much. Some time ago I dropped a number about the potential percentage for recurrence and it was like the first time he'd even considered it might come back. I have no idea what he thought all the follow-up appointments are for.

    Men are just odd. I've lived long enough to know that for a fact . . .

    Suzanne

    @suzanne
    Thanks for your imput...Please dont' get me wrong..mine has driven me hour and half for support group (ref: employeer/ emplyoee rights etc) He sat through it with only woman...asked questions etc...HE went to appt for surgeon, to my surgery etc...but when I mentioned more of when i get it again not if...he just clams up...

    I will say oh blood work, mammo all came back good...but I THINK CLUE-less or head in sand..but all these comments make me feel better and I KNOW men just think differently then us...

    THanks for all replies...
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    KathiM said:

    My beau is a doctor....
    So, at first, he was VERY clinical...lol...then I complained that I didn't need ANOTHER doctor, or a tumor board at home...ROFL!

    He had alot on his plate, dear soul. 2 weeks after I was dx'ed the first time (rectal cancer, stage III, given 6 months to live...), his father in The Netherlands died suddenly, and so he was VERY torn as to what to do. I DEMANDED he go to his mom, that I planned on being around a long,long time just to bug everyone. He made the mistake of asking my onc...SHE told him that the choice was his, but should he go he "may be coming home to another funeral"....sigh...not exactly tactful...

    But, I agree with others...I never let on that I was scared to death, so, as a result, he didn't react, either. Or so I thought. Years later we talked about the whole thing and he said "you have no idea how many times I wept for you! But I didn't want to shake your confidence that everything would work out, so I kept it to myself. I really thought I was going to lose you!".

    (teehee...not only did he not get his wish then, but I'm still a pain in his neck, more than 5 years later...ROFL!)

    Big dutch hugs, Kathi

    wow so much at one time..for your family
    MY therapist did say YOU act like not worried ...why would he? YOU act fine and dandy-all ok in the world...so he is feeding off you...

    since I DONT" complain or worry he doesn't...just taking my lead....

    when she said it ..makes a lot of sense...
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    CR1954 said:

    Always.........
    Always glad to let you vent. That's one reason why we're here.

    Yep, I'm guessing that because you have been the stoic, non-complaining warrior, that he maybe doesn't think it's all that big a deal. I don't know...

    I will tell you that I have had my total meltdowns and my husband has witnessed them. I think I have scared him on occasion. He KNOWS that I am a worrier, have ALWAYS been a worrier and I will continue to be a worrier.

    You have a lot of health issues going on all at once and you deserve a great big hug. So, sending one across the miles to you.

    CR

    CR@
    Thanks for your words...

    about year ago my oldest said to me...well mom about 2 yrs ago you were a bit over the edge...crazy! (just one of her love you mom comments) anyhow I didn't want to start a battle (YOU know choose your battles) so I JUST LET IT..go..

    but the time she was speaking about...I had colotis flare up worst (on steriods) even in my 16 yrs of having it...BC-surgery, radiation and work hassles (ref: time OFF)

    I so wanted to say...I was going through much crap...but I KNEW in my head all and didnt' have to justify to her...

    so anyhow thanks for hugs and your thoughts..

    you are right I am tough...handle everything...help everyone...! I try to keep my meltdowns in my car when I am alone...!!!!

    I did say to my hubby you have no idea who some women / wives are like (i know we all handle differntly) when going through illness etc.. so being super strong not always good...at times.,,,hehe lol thanks again
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member

    Hi Denise,
    I do hope you'll

    Hi Denise,
    I do hope you'll be able to pull something from this... I do think males are generally 'fixers' and are very frustrated about the lack of control with cancer. I found an online brochure that I re-wrote and sent to my ex mate, who was coming by but was obviously uncomfortable. It would make me feel hurt so I emailed him that he doesnt have to come by if he doesn't really want to, I'll feel better if he's just honest. Then he wrote back that he felt like he had a "limited set of tools" to help me. That was an eye opener and then I happened to find this brochure online.
    After that he started hugging me whenever he stopped by and asking how I am doing.
    Here is what I wrote to him - and I never discussed it w/ him because it seemed like that could be a turn off (you know men and talking!) So here it is, I hope it's helpful. -Lin

    "I read an online brochure for friends of people w/ cancer. It said how friends and mates can feel frustrated about how to help and I remembered your email about that. I know you're a fix-it person so I see how that could be frustrating.
    It said friends can ask the person what they'd like or how they feel, and listen to them, and don't get sidetracked about finding ways to 'fix" it, sometimes it can't be fixed, but just ask them and listen to them and that in itself is helpful. Friendship is a tremendously healing thing itself. The friend doesn't have to fix anything, just ask how the person is today, or give them a hug, listen.
    But I know you, and when you hear me talk about pain or somehting like that, you get a little anxious that you can't fix it and you are not sure what to do or say. You can just say that (that you're frustrated). I'm not expecting you to fix everything (although you do come up with some good fixes!!).
    I'm only writing this because the brochure reminded me of you and the frustratiion or awkwardness that commonly arises in these situations and so that our communication can be open and comfortable and you don't feel frustrated, or think you have a 'limited" set of tools. When you told me that, it was so helpful, I think I got it."

    yes i have pulled much from all this imput
    so helps to hear from different point of view....

    HE IS fixer...and like you said he can't fix this...!


    this site big eye opener..
  • Survivor73
    Survivor73 Member Posts: 135

    yes i have pulled much from all this imput
    so helps to hear from different point of view....

    HE IS fixer...and like you said he can't fix this...!


    this site big eye opener..

    My hubby
    So, my hubby has not always been there for me...I had to break down one night and make him promise me that he would start coming to my appointments. When he is with me, I feel safe...plain and simple. When he is not, I feel that I don't have a shoulder to lean on.

    I've had my sister come with me, but it's not the same...

    So now, he has done his best to be at all of the appt's and surgery's. I have quite a few coming up since I'm battling two cancers at once...and a lot of appt's...

    I don't expect him to come for rads, but for tests and results for sure.

    His reaction has been that I am worrying too much...he says I'll be fine, I just have to deal with whatever I have to do and move on...stop worrying...lol as if!!

    Anyway, he has a funny logic...if you just do what they say, then everything will be fine...I say "I'd like that on in writing"


    Best of luck & good health to all