Hello, I am a retired physician; now in a second marriage, after my first wife of 38 years left 2 years after the death of our daughter, Miriam. Her departure was also devastating. 

Miriam was a freshman in high school, age 15, when she was diagnosed with Wilms tumor, a kidney tumor usually occurring in toddlers, usually successfully treated with surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation. Teenagers who get Wilms have a poorer outcome.

Miriam was a wonderful person - unique in many ways - a top student, creative, participated in athletics, took to family outdoor activities like backpacking and kayaking trips, and was loved by everyone she met. She had a remarkably accepting personality and ability to adapt to any circumstance. She was somehow able to listen to anyone and understand who they were. I think she even understood me better than anyone else in the world, and I understood her. This, and her bravery, served her well over the next 13 years during which she triumphantly survived the cancer's relentless advance. 

Miriam had the standard treatments, but kept having relapses, metastases from the original tumor, many, and had multiple courses of chemotherapy, radiation. And a stem cell transplant, which didn’t do it. When her bone marrow could no longer tolerate the negative impact of chemotherapy, she underwent surgery after surgery, (some of them very major (removal of sections of her lung or spinal vertebrae, removal of metastases near the heart) to remove recurrences wherever they occurred. 

By the age of 28, when she was so worn out that she was finally unable to go on. I'd say she'd had more treatments and more surgeries than most 70 or 80 year old patients I knew when I was in practice. She left this world 13 years ago, February 23, 2012.

Miriam NEVER gave up. She always wanted more life. And after every recurrence and treatment, she worked on her recovery, and quickly resumed her life where she had just taken a medical detour. She graduated high school second in her class despite having spent months in the hospital, she went to one of the top liberal arts colleges in the US in Massachusetts and graduated in 5 years. Miriam worked full-time up until 2 moths before she died; and Miriam married, one of her life goals. She continued to hike and cross-country ski when possible. She amazed her caregivers by her attitude and survival when they said most others would have been unable to persevere. She wanted more life. Miriam loved life. 

Miriam and her sister, Ilana, were also each other's best friend, and they had planned to live close to one another and raise their families together - a dream which disappeared. 

My loss of my daughter, Miriam, is still so painful, but my greatest struggle throughout, and to this day, was watching and remembering how Miriam suffered - the pain, losing her strength, her physical resilience, abilities, hopes, dreams, seeing her friends move ahead in life, slowly losing the life and future she loved, knowing it would come to an end too soon, although she persisted as if that would not occur. 

I think about her many times every day still, often with tears in my eyes. I could not smile or hum a tune for over a year after she passed away. I still have distressing memories of her treatments, including a stem cell transplant, and things she said, and an occasional fleeting look in her eyes. Sometimes I call it "the never-ending end of Miriam." She was a unique and beautiful human being. I love her so, so much.

Miriam's Dad, 

Hal Rubin

As if life isn’t hard enough for her as it was.

Can somebody please tell me how to cope?

I too suffer with her. I feel like I’ve been through the wringer over & over again. Not just with watching her pain, I just don’t know how to deal with my own pain. I am divorced, so I don’t have anybody to share this with on a daily basis. When my daughter goes silent and stops communicating, which is like 90% of the time, I am lonely & feel hopeless for her and I.

We are not wealthy. I work a regular job & get help from her dad & grandparents- for which I’m very thankful.

I don’t mind caring for my grown child. I love having her home. I like cooking & caring for her. Watching movies together etc. We have a very quiet life. I don’t seek anything eventful or exciting in life. But when she’s depressed & stops talking, then I feel my world goes dark. And I feel hopeless tougher with her.

I feel so sad for her. She’s got a very hard life & the hardships keep coming. She may lose her hair in the near future. I was tasked with cutting off her waist long hair, we cried together. Her sister - whom she & I love dearly, is in the military & stationed far away. It’s hard for both her & I.

I know people have it way worse in many many cases. But that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt in my own situation.

Believe it or not, my best friend, whom I didn’t talk to for just 4 months, contacted me this week and said she was diagnosed with kidney cancer stage 2 and had surgery yesterday.

Is it just me, or does life just keep getting harder & harder for everyone?

At 5:55 am Friday September the 16, 2016, I got the call.  She passed in her sleep.  I was feeding my pets at the time, after I hung up I finished, then called my parents.  After I went to my bed room and broke down I was mess the rest of the day.  I cried for what seemed like hours. My girls, pets, tried to comfort me.  My parents helped me with all the arrangments, and my cousin helped also.  When I walked into the hospice room she looked like she was asleep.  

Now it is almost ten months later and I still feel like I am going to see her when I wake up, or she will be sitting on the couch when I get home, or she is going to walk in and complain about something.  I am only 46 now, why am I a widoweer this young.  I know I am not young but for this OI feel like I am.  I think I finally have my house in order.  The bank had to take back her car because with out her I could not afford the payments.

My world felt like it got turned up side down last year, I started smoking again, and I was not the best company, and when she died it was worse because it felt like my world ended.  Now I am trying to remember how to be single, and trying to stop holding my breath and get on with my life, it is not easy for me.  If not for my two dogs and one cat I do not think I would have made it this far.

I love her and miss her.  And I wish this feeling of gloom and doom would go away.  I feel totally lost most of the time.

If any one know where to donnate do write us

First let me apologize right away for the very long post. But the details are needed as a starting point in the hopes of reaching out for some much needed help and support.

My name is James. I found this site when looking for if and why spouses might turn against each other when one of them gets cancer.

I read through a number of pages/posts about marriages ending and people considering leaving their marriages/relationships because of the difficulties and changes usually in the cancer patient - I think it was called chemo brain, etc.

In my photo is my wife, Kindness, who is 34 and 20 years younger than me. That photo is a good example of our happiness as has been for the last 7 1/2 years.

She was dx with aggressive clear cell carcinoma Ovarian cancer in April and started chemo on May 10.

After 4 of a scheduled 6 rounds, there was some shrinking of her main tumor and other lesions, but not enough as hoped for for surgery.

She went in for round 5 on July 20, but having increasing pain the week before, the chemo was halted for a CT scan to be sure there was no risk of a blood clot.  

That turned out ok.

On Sunday, July 30, her fever was 38 degrees so we had to get her in the ER. quickly

After 36 grueling hours and almost an overdose of her pain meds by an on-call ER nurse, she was finally sent upstairs to the Palliative Ward, mainly for isolation and better care. Her Mother and I were with her, but I was yelled at by my wife for some of my hours away from her during that scare.

She has been in palliative ward ever since. It's now Sept. 3.

Her Mother said ‘I'm not leaving’, and has been with her day and night since July 30 in Kindness' room.  

I would go back every day for 10-12 hours in the room with Kindness and her Mother - and be the 'gofer' for coffee, and anything else needed anytime by the two women. I also had small amounts of work to tend to.

There were some complications with her liver, fluids, etc. and Kindness needed help to the washroom, and back and everything else for the first time ever. Her Mother and I would get up and help her with anything she needed.

Then on Monday, Aug. 7, I was turned away by one of our favorite nurses. I was told that she had just met with the Oncologist, whom I had seen and been in meetings with many times, and a social worker, whom I've never met. Apparently, she was told that the chemo didn't work, and that she now has 2-3 months to live.

I was told this by text from her Mother or sister (can't remember now), and that she just needed a few days.

I understood that, in the way that that's terrible news and couldn't be worse, and that she needed to time to digest and accept that, and most likely didn't want to see me yet, or me to see her and have us cry in front of each other - totally understandable.

Earlier that day, before 'the news' she had sent me an email reaching out to me. I had not seen it until after I was turned away and went back home.

She sent me a text as well the next day.  I replied to both with as much love and understanding as I could, and with all gentility. I have no idea if she got or ever read my replies to her reaching out to me and my loving suggestions.

Today marks 28 days since I've seen or heard from her in any way. 

No more texts, calls, emails or visits. 

After the first week, I even went to the hospital admin who listened to my concerns, including not even knowing what ward or room she'd been moved to, nor any updates of her progress, status and health whatsoever. Nothing came from that meeting with the admin. 

Apparently Kindness had me put on the do not call list, which also means do not inform or update in any way, as I later found out.

One week ago, after spending 3 weeks at home just 2 minutes away from her, wondering, waiting and worrying about her incessantly and about what is happening, I got finally a very long, harsh, cold 'Goodbye text' from her - but from her sisters phone. 

It was completely out of character for Kindness and us, being so happy and in love as we had been for so long.

There were some critical things about me in the text as well, and a request not to her contact her. She added that she just can't take care of me and my need for attention and validation, nor my depression about this. 

I'm not sure why she thinks she even had to. I certainly didn't ask or give her any reasons to think that way, but that’s the way she is - she worries about others even when she's down and out.

I can honestly say that I didn’t need any attention or validation, nor do I feel that I was depressed, other than the normal concerns and worries that any good loving husband would feel and most likely show.

So now, with no discussion, no visits, no text, no calls, or emails, my marriage is over - just like that!

I saw her for the last time 28 days ago, and I'll never see her again now.

Naturally, I want to be with her and go though it with her, as any good husband would, but it almost seems now that her Mother and sisters have finally showed her the love and support she's always needed from them, I'm no longer needed - and no longer wanted.

So I'm extremely broken hearted, lost, confused and bewildered.

I love her soooo much and have thoroughly enjoyed taking care of her since she came to me in Nov. 2009 and needed me very much at that time, and ever since. Taking care of her and being happy to do anything and everything she’s ever needed gave me a sense of purpose, meaning, and value, and also made me feel wanted and needed.

Now I feel like I've been discarded with no chance of any discussion or say whatsoever in what was the best relationship in my life, and a love I've never known, shown or received before.

We both feel that God brought her to me in 2009.

I should mention that she had a head injury from 7 years old, and comes from a very abusive Father and Brother as well. 

Even her Mother and sisters have been somewhat abusive to her, which she would confide and take comfort in with me.

So it hurts even more to be ‘traded in’ for her Mother and sisters now, after all her complaints to me about them.

He Mother has caused us much trouble and has tried to come between us in the past - even hinting that her and I should be together instead, which made both my wife and I cringe each of the 5-6 times she would say that. I thought that was very tacky to say right in front of the only daughter who has actually had a successful relationship with a man, including the Mother herself. She (Mother) had a very unhealthy obsession with and about me, and would love and hate me all in the same day sometimes.

Many think that her Mother has succeeded in coming between us now, and has also been able to ‘brow-beat’ my wife into submission. 

Kindness said years ago that her Mother was manipulative.

She’s probably too weak and tired to argue with her Mother now, as she’s drugged up quite a bit with pain meds. 

I think the Mother's just trying to exclude me from the will, if my wife should pass. 

I don’t care about that - I just want to love her and be with her during the hardest and worst time of her life. But I truly feel that it's too late now.

The ‘Goodbye’ text was not from Kindness’ phone, and so I'll never really know if she sent it, had it typed for her or even knows it was sent to me. 

I'll just never know. 

Now I have to move on and move away from our apartment without the woman I've loved so very much for so long.

I found some beautiful emails from her that we shared just in June and July that spoke of us starting a new chapter in our lives, buying our own home, and our declared love for each other that is worded so tenderly and beautifully for and about each other.

Then the very last communication that I got form my wife was that 'Goodbye text’ on Aug. 25. 

Cold, harsh, critical - not a stitch or warmth, love or any mention whatsoever of our memories and wonderful years together.

So I’m hurting and alone - and confused, and very unprepared for this and also what I need to do to survive now. 

And I'll never have any closure now. I'll never know if she lives and survives and goes on to live a full, happy healthy life - or not.

I don't believe that I'll ever be told if she passes nor ‘invited' to her funeral, knowing the Mother in law.

For all I know, she’s even been told that they’ve been calling and calling me but I just don’t come anymore – I have no way of knowing.

I miss her sooo much and what we had together, and can't imagine a life without her. 

It’s almost impossible to face the day as soon as I wake up and realize my situation, which takes about 10 seconds to come and punch me in the face and gut. I just can't accept all this and it’s nearly impossible to try and function.

The 'Goodbye' text just doesn't jive with how we were together for the last 7 1/2 years.

Nor up to just recently - in March/April in person with so much tenderness and the lovely emails in June/July where she repeated that she'd be lost without me, that she’s so blessed to have me in her life, and that I'm the love of her life, etc. etc.

Our happiness was so fun and so enjoyable together - and so very loving and caring for each other - and now it's gone!

The last text I got from the sister last week is that Kindness has hired some movers to come get all her stuff on Sept. 12.

In the 'Goodbye' text there was mention of her trying to heal and start over without me. Makes me feel like some kind of criminal or something.

If she can heal and live on, than I'm all for it, naturally - even if it's forever without me.

I love her so much, that I'll do whatever it takes - whatever she needs.

I've always told her that I just want her to be happy. And nothing would make me happier than to know she survives this and carries on with her life.

It's possible that she just can't deal with me and all of the emotions and concerns about me and 'us' now.  

But I just don't know how to handle all of this.

Thank you for reading.  

My mother last November, was rushed to the hosptial by me for jaudice.  A CT scan showed suspcisious masses in her body, especially on her liver.  Her bile tubes were blocked, and so she had a procedure done to insert a drain and have an outside bag.  A week later she was allowed home, but as she had not been given any physical therapy and from the stress of everything, she had become very weak, did not want to eat, and was depressed.  Trying to take care of her by myself with the aid of her coworkers did not go well, as she had three falls-which further only added to the stress.  The third time she fell, I called 911 and she was rushed back to the hosptial.  We found out there she had low sodium, she had a case of a extremely high heartrate, and it was there we found out that what she had was cancer.  
As she was recovering from the low sodium, we were told that the cancer was very agressive, had reached the point where surgery was not an option, and that palladive chemo could offer some comfort.  

From there my mother was moved to a rehab to try and learn how to walk again-for physical therapy, but that did not go well-she was still refusing to eat, was in constant pain, and finally another episode of her heartrate escalating had her moved to another hosptial shortly before christmas.  We found out what cancer it was at that point, and then her bag malfuctioned, so she needed to have it redone.  When she recovered from that, she was sent to another rehab to again try to build up her strength again...but at that point, it was the beginning of the end.  Over Christmas I watched her slowly detoriate...this woman, my mother, who surivied an abusive childhood and a abusive husband, who left him and had been my rock for nearly all my life...

She spent Thanksgiving, her birthday, Christmas and the New Year in this limbo.  When it became very clear that she was weakening, she agreed to hospice, and I signed the papers.  Five days later, I got a call from the hospice nurse telling me that my mother's condition was starting to detoriate.  On the following day, Janurary 11th, she died.

I have been struggling since.  It hurts all over.  My mother and I...I can't explain our relationship in words.  The bond we had from what we went through.  How strong she was-she had a will of iron.  And we had no warning-she'd been sick off and on that year, but where we worked we had stomach viruses and the like going among the coworkers, you know?  No history of cancer in her family.  I was her nurse and caretaker from when it happened-god, it's only been four months total-two for the whole mess and it'll be two months from her death come March 11-and...

The little things hurt, being an adult hurts.  There are memories of her all over the city where I live, and she was my only family.  It's hard finaically without her working-we lived together, and yesterday I was in a car accident.  I came home and cried over the stress and cried because I wanted my mommy.

I've spoken to a therapist once or twice, I haven't...gone to hospice yet becuase it's too painful.   I don't know how I can explain it-how me talking it out over and over... My friends have been very supportive but they all more or less live out of state, so it's been online.  I've let myself cry.  scream.  Howl.  I want nothing more sometimes to just lie down and not get up but I make myself get up and keep moving...

It just hurts so so much...I miss her hugs.  I miss talking to her.  We talked every day, even when i was in college.  I have a hole in my heart and how do you go on?  How can you summon up the strength to have hope for yourself?  I poured everything I had into her when she was ill...and look what happened...I tried to be the best daughter and the best nurse that I could but...

They say the pain never goes away but I just...when can you breathe?  When does the fog finally lift?

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Which foods are less important for health?

If we emphasize those that are supportive to our health then we will find ourselves eating less of the foods that contain "empty" nutrients. These foods may provide pleasure so we need to keep them in our diet at low levels only. Such foods include desserts, cakes, candies and many items made with saturated animal fats. I prefer to think of the 80:20 rule when selecting foods. 80% of the time we should choose healthful foods from the plant kingdom such as those listed above, and 20% of the time we can choose foods that provide pleasure and may not be quite as healthful.

Why id Dietary fiber important in cancer oreventio?

Dietary fiber is the indigestible part of foods of plant origin (it doesn't occur in any foods that come from animals, e.g. butter, meat, eggs, fish). Fiber provides bulk to our diet and helps to maintain a healthy colon. It does this in several ways; first, it stimulates muscle contractions and hence reduces colon transit time (minimizes constipation). Secondly, it dilutes any potentially hazardous or carcinogenic substances and also reduces the amount of time these substances would be in contact with the colon wall. Thirdly, it provides an environment that is conducive to "friendly" bacteria or acidophilus. These are supportive to us as they partially digest some of the fiber and provide us with nutrients and they also maintain a healthy acidic level in the colon. All of these factors are synergistic and hence eating dietary fiber throughout the day provides the best environment in our colon that is reflected in our overall health. Cholesterol and steroid hormones that are similarly structured including the sex hormones, estrogen and testosterone as well as vitamin D and cortisol are regulated in part by secretion into the digestive tract via the bile and reabsorption. Dietary fiber plays an indirect part in regulating the reabsorption as the bacteria acts on some of these bile acids and assists in their excretion.

Most Americans eat about 10 grams of dietary fiber each day but this is about half of what is ideal. The suggested range is 25-35 grams spread over the day. This is best accomplished by eating fiber rich foods at each meal such as whole grain cereals, breads, pastas, beans, leafy vegetables, fruits, nuts and seeds.

Is food cooked at high temlperatures unhealthy?

Frying or charbroiling meat or fish may cause carcinogens on the surface by the action of the heat. Smoking or nitrite curing meats may also form carcinogens. These carcinogens may not be harmful when consumed in small quantities and particularly when we eat them with fruits and vegetables that contain protective botanical factors. It is wise to use lower heat methods for most of our cooking methods such as steaming, braising, poaching, stewing or microwaving. Marinades help to make cooked meats safer.

He has been at home nearly a week and yet, up until yesterday, my mother thought he still had a chance of "improving". My mother has a long history of mental illness and, in my opinion, is overmedicated. She seems in denial about his hospice care. This woman administered a plethora of meds to him, along with taking her laundry list of meds for herself for the past year. Now, however, she seems almost disinterested in learning what meds to give him when. I know that this is a very broad question, but has anyone here had to deal with a surviving parent with mental problems? I am not necessarily looking for answers. Just hoping for some kind of support. 

Thanks

Just like many of you, cancer has touched my family in the past by taking my uncle and now it wants to steal my angelic mother from me. I am here to ask you to please help me to find the necessary logestics such as loding and funds to transfer my very kind and full-of-life mother, who everyone loves and who has done right by everyone in her life, so she continues to live among us and touch our hearts. She has no one to care for except me, and I have no one except her, in my life. 

I have set up a gofundme.com page for her but many don't even share it, I gather people assume everyone is trying to rip them off!

I have always helped others in need and never asked for anything personal in my life but now that I am in server need it I feel completely alone and left alone to care for an incredibly sick mum.  

If you know how to use social media and bring it to the attention of those who are willing to help a cancer stricken family, I would be truly delighted to hear from you. I am at the end of my rope with financial difficulties and while there are no shortage of people in this world who donate for good causes, no one seem to paying attention to mine, so I am more than anything asking for people who are willing to circulate her page and making sure she gets the attention. 

I am in UAE right now but haven’t seen anything of this country except the road from my lodging to the hospital.

The hotel people have been kind and even though it is about 100 dollars, they have held up on throwing my out of their hotel.

Any help that I can get myself and my mother out of here will be greatly appreciated. 

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Thank you very kindly, 

Ghazal 

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