Humor — Cancer Survivors Network

Name that cancer

catwink22 — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 21:32:45 +0000

I was reading another post and someone had "named" their cancer. At first I was a little taken aback, but then I thought that's kind of funny. They said "Harvey is gone and he's not coming back." I have Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma which I will be living with for a very long time, so I thought if I have to share my body with something maybe I should name it. I haven't figured out what yet, but if you were to name your cancer what would you name it and why? Is it like your first born or a pet or an appendage? lol It would certainly help to speak about it in privacy because only the people you tell would know. What do you think? Cat (OK really weird! why does the date on this say DEC 31, 1969??!)

Lose weight now!

Phoenix10 — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 05:38:11 +0000

If you know someone who is dieting, tell them to try chemo. The fool proof weight loss solution. Never fails. Haaaa ( I use to tell my friends this)

Movies (funny or not)

elicitjeans — Sun, 03 Sep 2023 05:56:12 +0000

Sally Field is awesome! https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0448166/reviews

T-shirt slogans we would love to see

dakotarunner — Wed, 18 Jun 2014 23:06:57 +0000

There are a lot of cancer slogans for T-shirts to be found on the internet. Having had a go round with surgery for prostate cancer, and now having a recurrence, I was looking for somethng regarding prostate cancer. I saw the "Piss on Prostate Cancer" T-shirts, but for a lot of prostate surviviors, that shirt isn't quite right. After looking at the posts on the prostate forum here, I think a hot seller would be "If you can't piss on prostate cancer, at least dribble on it". Yeah, I know, but with cancer you have to have a little fun in life, and no, I don't have to dribble on it yet. Does anyone else have any T-shirt slogans they would like to see?

Funny story - port surgery

minicoops — Sat, 18 Dec 2021 04:22:08 +0000

So I hadn't slept in a few weeks since cancer diagnosis, as many of you know is quite common after diagnosis. So the doctor comes up to me before my port surgery and seems very stressed. He states that I am on two medications that will interfere with twilight medicine and I'll be 100% fully awake during the procedure. He says that I should probably get general anesthesia but that doctor is in another surgery can be anywhere from 1-4 hour wait. At that point he has his head in his hands and can't decide what to do. I'm like well, I'm hungry, have a dog at home and don't feel like waiting all day so lets go with twilight.

I tell myself to stay calm because I'll be 100% fully awake. They wheel me in on the stretcher and tell me to get onto the table. I ask at this time if it is ok to try to fall asleep on my own. They said I should try to do that. They put on classical music for me and get me situated onto the surgery table.

As soon as I'm officially on the table, I close my eyes and am fully asleep through the entire surgery. I wake up to the doctor laughing at how sound of sleep I was and he was saying that he guesses he didn't need to worry so much. I laughed and said I guess those three weeks of no sleep since a cancer diagnosis paid off right? The port surgery was very successful since I was able to fall asleep!

So yeah, I can say I have officially slept through surgery!

God I miss Paul Harvey

ufknkidding — Wed, 11 Sep 2019 20:08:33 +0000

There was just something hearing, "And now you know the rest of the story", or "Good day." I grew up on a ranch and as a young boy (beginning at 6 years old) every morning about 0600 I would listen to Paul Harvey on the radio. I'd be sitting in my parent's truck with the heater on full getting ready to step out into an often dark snowy cold winter to feed our 6 horses and 150 cattle. Just before pushing the door open against an often strong gust of winter wind, I'd hear that notable voice come on the radio and for a few minutes I'd stop everything in my life and mind to hear his broadcast. If you've never heard Mr. Harvey you can listen to his broadcast on youtube at https://youtu.be/7UBj4Rbq3ZI or https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEW2fWO7dgM

What a reassuring and commanding voice. And in the midst of my recently diagnosed prostate cancer journey, God I miss Paul Harvey.

I hope people post memories of his stories from the past of which many had a surpising twist or a bit of humor.

Good Day! LOL

Hi from stinky

Liver cancer — Fri, 06 Jul 2018 00:29:29 +0000

My cats are zeroing in on what is making my apartment stink...its me. I just NED 5/24/2018. I am learning a lot about me and cancer that they dont tell you.

I smell like a meth labber, my cancer has an odor and so does the chemo still leaking out of my pores.

I had my apartment manager looking for a meth lab in my building, I could smell it very strongly. I have phantom odors, my worst odors are turpentine and chlorine. Its not in my nose, its a common side effect to stopping chemo and common to all cancer patients. So why didnt anyone tell me??? At least its not cat spray anymore, I went through a couple of months smelling cat spray.

Vaginal Cancer

llong05 — Thu, 09 Jul 2020 15:23:27 +0000

I'm having a hard time finding another who has gone through the humiliating and sometimes "comical" treatement for vaginal cancer.

Please reply if you an relate :)

Lisa

Sample Topic (Please Ignore)

sdibasecamp — Fri, 02 Aug 2019 21:50:50 +0000

test

Hmm

Steve1961 — Fri, 08 Feb 2019 03:27:38 +0000

Hmm

New Name

ihogman — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 14:48:11 +0000

When being wheeled into the OR to have my right testicle removed the nurses and everyone were trying to keep things light. When they got me into the OR I told them that after the procedure they would have to call me by my new Chinese name "One Hung Low". They got quite a chuckle over that.

Things you probably shouldn't say to a cancer patient

stayingcalm — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 17:41:10 +0000

Great article from Christopher Hitchens from Vanity Fair

I was abducted by an alien spaceship

sheepfarmer — Fri, 04 May 2018 10:36:33 +0000

I had a radical hysterectomy for uterine cancer (endometriod) and after receiving my surgical report and my cancer staging report, I found out it was so large it was like I was 4 1/2 months pregnant in size. I told my friend who quickly said, "Oh, you didn't have cancer, you were taken up in the mother ship and impregnated. You had an alien baby by cisarian!"

Coping via gallows humor...

Ladymonk — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 20:47:32 +0000

When I was in my fourth year of treatment for Stave IV endometrial cancer, my eldest son became engaged to a sweet young gal who lived a couple of hundred miles from us. The first weekend she came to spend with us, she was so careful to tiptoe around the topic of cancer, surely not knowing how to broach the subject of her future mother in law's "terminal" diagnosis (I should point out that this was 17 years ago...). On the second day of her visit, the young couple were sitting at the kitchen table, trying to craft a budget for their first year of married life while still in college. Somewhere in there, they expressed the wish that they could buy a home someday. My son, knowing I had a rather large life insurance policy, looked over at me, with a grin, and said, "Hey Mom, do you think you could croak before the wedding? We sure could use a down payment on a house..." (You must understand, we had lived with this cancer for a long time and had developed a rather unique sense of humor at our house...) I thought that poor girl would faint... I quickly went and hugged her, and pointed out that I felt it was a good sign to be able to laugh at this thing, and I hoped she would feel comfortable enough someday to do the same. Three years later, when I got to see my first grandchild enter the world, her first smiling comment to her new son was, "Son, that's your Nana over there. You're kinda sorta stuck with her 'cause she's still here..."

Post Gastrectomy Diet

Dmoore1118 — Sun, 29 Oct 2017 21:23:56 +0000

My wife has has had a "J" tube for feeding for the past 20 months. This was the way of helping her past the removal of her entire stomach due to adenocarcenoma. That system has failed and she has had the tube removed and will have to make do with not getting 1500 free calories that came with the formula through the tube. Anyone who can help me with suggestions for her feeding? We will go home from the hospital this week, where she is being fed intravenously, and be on our own. Really need input.

Thanks

Trust your tailor!

JayAur — Wed, 04 Oct 2017 21:16:12 +0000

Guy goes to his MD, “Doc, i’m having terrible headaches.”

Doctor gives him prescription strength Ibuprofen and come back in 2 weeks.

Two weeks pass, ”Doc, i’m still having terrible headaches.”

Doctor gives him Imitrex and come back in 2 weeks.

Two weeks pass, “Doc, i’m still having terrible headaches.”

Doctor says nothing else he can give, but an MD in New York does only headaches...and...has a 100% success rate in finding cause and the cure!

Guy makes soonest appointment. Two days of tests. Dr. Tells him, “I know the cause...you have constricted testicles.”

”So how do we cure the headaches?” guy asks.

”The only cure is castration.”

”Holy smoke! I’m 26 years old in the prime years of my sex life. And you want to castrate me?” The guy is upset, to say the least.

”Keep your testicles, keep your headaches. Get rid of your testicles, get rid of your headaches. Your choice.”

After much thought, amid terrible headaches, the guy decides to undergo castration.

On day released from hospital and feeling low he decides to treat himself to a new suit from the famous NY garment district. Enters a small shop. Tells little old tailor he is there for a custom fitted suit. Tailor goes to back room and comes back with a suit.

”Aren’t you going to measure me?”

”Trust me...I know my business.”

Suit is a perfect fit.

”New suit, now you need new shirt. 17 neck, 34 sleeve”

Aren’t you going to measure me?”

”Trust me...I know my business.”

Shirt is a perfect fit.

”New suit, new shirt, now you need new shoes, 9 1/2 narrow.”

Guy feels a bit hustled. But says, “Aren’t you going to measure me?”

”Trust me...I know my business.”

Shoes fit like a glove.

”New suit, new shirt, new shoes...now need new underwear. 36 Jockey’s”

Guy laughs, “This time I know you are wrong. I have been wearing size 34 Jockey’s all of my adult life.

Tailor says, “Trust me, I know my business. If a guy your size wears 34 Jockey‘s they will constrict your testicles, give you terrible headaches!

WE, WITH CANCER, FACE MEDICAL CHOICES AT EVERY M.D. VISIT. WE HAVE TO REALLY INVESTIGATE BEFORE WE ACCEPT ANY TREATMENT. IT’S OUR BODIES...OUR LIFE...AND OUR FUTURE LIVING WITH THE DECISION WE MAKE.

No Hair but tempted to go into a hair salon...

KimDee — Wed, 17 May 2017 00:09:26 +0000

... take off my hat, point to my bald head and ask, IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO WITH THIS?

In the last few weeks, I keep seeing salons and I want to walk in and ask this question.

(I just showed this to my husband, who commented I am my fathers daughter. He's an amputee, right hand gone - and I remember so many times someone would offer to shake his hand, and he'd offer a stump and enjoy watching their confusion)

Fun with Hair Loss

Lisa Q — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 15:22:50 +0000

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKeSqMNkvRk&feature=g-upl

Bet my husband made.

Froggy32 — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 03:17:06 +0000

my late husband had testicular cancer in 1982. He had the right one removed and didn't have to have anything else done. One night he and my brother were at a bar and drinking and joking around with some other guys. they were making silly bets with each other. My hubby said, I bet you $1.00 for each niche apart my nuts are. The other guy was like ok! I will take that bet. So he said an inch. He told him he was way off, one was in Little Rock and the other one that he still had was in about 150 miles from there. Lol! Needless to say, he didn't pay up.

Forget diet and exercise, I lost 10 pounds the easy way!

Helen321 — Wed, 30 May 2012 15:15:23 +0000

You too can lose the weight, unsightly cancer cells getting you down, sign up now to have them surgically removed! Choose rectal cancer and real food will be a thing of the past! You'll never want to see pasta leave your body that way again! It's all available now for only $10,000, sign up today!

Hello!

anne_janevret — Sat, 25 Mar 2017 13:43:22 +0000

Hello everyone! I just signed up.. I can't find any introduction board...

I hope it's ok to post here. I am glad to be a part of this forum community.. :)

Private Message Spam

CSN_Anne — Wed, 08 Feb 2017 17:26:47 +0000

Hello everyone,

Thank you to all of you who have alerted us to the PM spamming from earlier today. I apologize for the inconvenience. While we do have securities in place, we are not always able to catch all spam, and we are trying to figure out how this one got around our system. If you received a message from jegac1 please do respond to it or share any of your information.

Jegac1 has now been blocked from the CSN site.

Again, I am sorry for the inconvenience. Please continue to report any email spammers or questionable behavior you see.

Best regards,

Anne

CSN Support Team

Good clean jokes....

AKAngel — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 07:05:16 +0000

Comment or add your own to the mix.....I've found some on the web, so clean ones are out there. To Be Six Again George was a thoughtful husband after all these years. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?" His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again." George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy. As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?" Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"

Hi

hannajw — Mon, 21 Nov 2016 11:48:07 +0000

Howdy everyone.

They don't mean to be funny, but they are

AKAngel — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 01:22:59 +0000

With medications, comes room for funny things to come out of the mouths of the ones we care for most....they don't mean to be funny, but they are. I try not to laugh when they are said, but bring them up as jokes later. Some things my mom has said: 1. Rock-croaches, instead of cockroaches 2. Zippity-zappity-zoo, instead of Bippity-boppity-boo (from disney's Cinderella fairy godmother) 3. Refers to her suppository as "The MISSLE", because of its shape Does anyone else out there have a funny to share??

What my kids say

jjboychicago — Tue, 13 Dec 2016 14:42:47 +0000

Dad, stop yelling at us you'll get cancer again.

things you should never say to a cancer patient continued . .

Helen321 — Sat, 02 Jun 2012 03:59:41 +0000

you should never say to a colorectal patient . . can I take your jacket and bag? buh dum dum

Diarrhea

PhillieG — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 20:56:23 +0000

"Diarrhea is like the Jazz of bowel movements"

Someone said this the other day. I thought it was hilarious...

Uplifting/inspirational story of my best friend, a young aspiring writer with cancer who manages to

swinginpoet — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 13:00:41 +0000

Hi there. My best friend was diagnosed with cancer four weeks ago. It's a very aggressive form of Lymphoma, but they caught it early and started chemo right away and so far he has been responding surprisingly well.

I wanted to share with you this post which I created on imgur, as an introduction to Joey's story. If you read to the end there is also a link to his blog, where he has been writing about the experience of finding out he had cancer, the reasons why he's not afraid, and the life lessons that have led him to his current state of ultimate positivity, productivity and happiness with his situation.

Joey has always wanted to be a writer, but lacked the inspiration and confidence to really go after his dream. Since his diagnosis, he has found both. He is now living with his parents, having chemotherapy treatments and writing almost every day. His words are moving, inspirational and thought-provoking, and I highly encourage you to read and share them. Not many young people could face a cancer diagnosis with not only bravery but optimism and even humor, but Joey says he is happier now than he has ever been, despite the cancer. He has found his life's purpose, and whether he lives for five years or fifty, he thinks he will live a life worth living.

Please check out my post on imgur, http://imgur.com/gallery/KgHJp, and then follow the link to his blog (http://perspectiveodysseum.blogspot.com) at the bottom to hear his own account of his ongoing journeys. Because as he puts it, "cancer is no reason to stop laughing at funny things." Thank you for taking the time to read this message, and good luck to all of you out there.

~Taking Courage from my Best Friend's Cancer Battle

Private Message Spam

CSN_Kim — Thu, 02 Oct 2014 16:29:04 +0000

Hello everyone,

Thank you to those who've alerted us to the PM spamming from earlier today and sincerely apologize for the inconvenience. While we have security measures in place, we can't prevent all spam. We are currently working on measures to try and block this kind of private message spamming. If you received a message from rita44556 prompting you for money, please do not respond, or share any of your information.

This user has been blocked.

Going forward, please continue to report any email spammers or questionable behaviors to us.

Sincerely,

Kim

CSN Support Team