I did have one great family friend that helped me out with transportation to appointments and to the store. She did get me meals after my appointments but it was like just when I had them and just once a week even helped me out with play shows to get to.

The plays were a bit distracting and gave me some laughs as I needed it but it was so sore and tough to be in the theater chair for so long.

I am almost 49 years old and my parents have passed away and we don't have any grandparents even my son doesn't have a grandpa or grandma when he is only 21. My mom Three years ago passed away from terminal brain, lung and bone cancer and my dad passed away 38 years ago.

I do have my brother but not one to come to check in on me when he is like only five minutes away.

It's like me who did the updating to people but I didn't get asked how things are and it is annoying.

I don't get visitors because I have been living in a not well maintained and to low income place that just doesn't make people comfortable with visitors. Plus I don't feel comfortable with having people in my apartment because I would have loved people to visit with me but my place just is a fall apart poor place.

I wish that I had a better place but I don't.

I just remain alone with just my 6 pets Peaches Three years old cat, Guinea Pigs Miss Coco Coconut, Toffee, Scooter, Mocha and S'mores.

My son does come to visit with me when he is able to as I am hoping that he will be here during his spring break next month.

I did get finished with PT on Wednesday so I am like going to be trying to get back to doing a little bit of gym to help me out with my moods and to get me back in motion to hopefully physically help me out.

We learn that cancer has taken the life of a friend or a family member. Perhaps we didn’t even know this person had cancer.

The death of this person is especially difficult. It is as if we once again lose something of ourselves. Memories of the times we spent together can easily return with surprising intensity, as if cancer has somehow managed to amplify the sorrow we feel.

Even if this person enjoyed a good long life, with little or no suffering at the end, it still seems as if our sadness is especially extreme.

We do our best to ride this out, to recognize the loss of this person can’t help but prompt us to consider our own mortality. Difficult as it may be, we can try to gather up the fond memories, to focus on the good times and be thankful for the days we shared.

We don’t want to be self-centered and we don’t want our egos to take the wheel. But when cancer takes the life of someone we care for deeply, the loss can’t help but magnify our pain.

This is humanity. We do our best to recognize our thoughts, to accept this emotional blow and to steer our own life forward.

[Content Removed by CSN]

Let’s do all we can to stay confident and push back against cancer when it tries to rattle us.

And all the best.

Our day to day is extremely intimate –– we cuddle and hug and kiss on a daily basis –– but we're both in our late 20s and my sex drive is fairly high (I'd take it every day if that were possible) so I find myself in this constant battle with myself.

We've had penetrative vaginal intercourse once in the last year, occasionally interspersed with mutual masturbation (once every two months or so). These instances are inevitably initiated by me, and he seems much more interested in my pleasure than in his own. He seems to show little to no interest in sexual pleasure for himself. Compound that with the fact that most of the time he isn't up for it anyway, and it is nearly impossible for me to know when he Would potentially be up for it. As a result, I've found myself trying tactic after tactic to initiate sex in hopes that maybe, just maybe, this time he'll be up for it. But that ends up looking like a lot of rejection, and a lot of pressure on him. Neither of these things is healthy or what we want to acheive.

There's the part of me that hears his pain and insecurity, the part of me that tries to reason with myself that we're intimate in so many ways outside of sex, the part of me that feels guilty for even allowing myself to feel this discomfort. But there is this aching reality that my reasonable brain and even my empathetic heart are not enough to hold my lizard brain at bay. Sex matters. And it's causing us both a lot of stress. 

We tried a strategy early on that we would promise to have some sort of sexual encounter once a week, even if it was really minor. But he ended up feeling this enormous pressure leading up to every weekend (which he didn't tell me about until well into the experiment) that pretty much killed it. We try to talk about this stuff together, but I end up feeling really guilty for putting this on him amongst everything else that he has to deal with and I'm left with the feeling like I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal. And now, since mutual masturbation is the standard sexual encounter that we do have, I feel really insecure about even just masturbating on my own in front of him. I would get started and if he was around, he would interpret this action as necessarily wanting to do it with him (which of course would be ideal but I'm happy to take care of myself on my own), and he would gently say, "later". But it's always later later later, so a couple of times I've just gone ahead on my own anyway. But then he feels guilty for not having it in him to participate, which kinda kills it. So I've taken to masturbating in secret. Either in the bath, or in bed in the early morning while he's still asleep. I'll usually tell him about it later and he'll get a little kick out of that, but the fact that I feel I've got to keep it secret in the first place really sucks the joy out of the experience while it's happening. 

It's easy for me to get wrapped up in my own anger and frustration, especially since his pain is invisible to me. He walks around town with me and we go to the gym together and he performs in his band, and I can't help but be screaming inside that Couldn't Some of That Energy Be Spent on Our Sex Life? But there are all of these complicating factors that he sites when we talk about it, including body image issues related to his surgical scars and he's lost so much weight, and even though he still climaxes and feels sexual pleasure, his ejaculations are dry now because of a severed nerve so he just doesn't feel very sexy. I flirt with him and touch him and tell him that he's beautiful and he really is, he's easily one of the most attractive people I've ever met. Everybody says he looks like Gael Garcia Bernal. You must understand my torture! 

His testosterone is in the 200s which is technically in the normal range for a human male, but more typical for a 50-60 year old. Is it normal for Him? His doctors are eager to investigate this, but he seems to be averse to figuring that part out. Is a low testosterone level a threat to his self image such that he would turn a blind eye to the possible truth of it?

The worst part of all this is, the conversation has been dragging on so long that it's now an emotional minefield and I think we're both choosing to avoid it and focus on what IS working. Which works most of the time... except when my lizard brain erupts in torment. 

I know it won't last forever. "The sex will get better when I get better", these are his words. But in the mean time this is really, really, really hard. I feel so alone in this, it's not something that I can really share with anyone that we're close to. Our relationship is strong in so many ways and this journey through cancer has cemented our bond, but I fear that a rift is developing in our sexual health and that this is going to generate real consequences for our relationship and our overall health. Stress is bad for the body, and 2014 is the year for coming back to wellness. 

but prior to that in spring i asked a primary care doctor to feel my neck and she couldnt feel anything.

i was anemic in november with elevated platelets at least. and i saw an endocrinologist. in january my lymph nodes were considered enlarged but within normal limits. but my thyroid was considered normal in imaging.

i responded well to the antibiotic. but still have lung issues. shortness of breath and oxygen drops on exertion but not while sitting or standing normally. i also run some low grade fevers.

last week i had a breast biopsy which was benign and believe i caught a random minor chest infection.

i tested negative for lyme but never had a tick since iw as a child and im in my 30s. i dont really go into woods. and then the same person who suggested the test said it was probably inaccurate.

i feel like im running into walls.

sometimes im scared this is in my head because i had depression after trauma and a bad break up. people online suggested a few things including lyme but also cancer bu t im not sure since really all this could be anything.

i tested positive for ana speckled pattern but some tests were negative further with some autoimmmune which made me feel like i was in circles again.

im scared because the fatigue is relentless and i cant do anything. even a family member thinks im just lazy.

Most recently, I have a few of my friends that I am helping as policy holders but know they are not reaching out to me for just help as an agent.

Rather using it as an excuse to reach out to me.

What can I say or do for them and their families?

I found out last night that one of them is terminal and they sent me a message very late. I know they are not connecting with me to get help from me to file a claim but to much pride to say they need someone to talk to

The only thing I know to say is I’m sorry and saying that feels wrong.

I know my friend needs me and I want to know what I can say or do so he may open up to me.

I know he won’t open up to his family and doesn’t want to be a “burden”

I need some guidance from someone on what I can say or do so they know that they are not bothering me and that I want to help them no matter time or day

Right now he is battling this alone as he doesn’t want to affect his family or friends emotionally

But that’s what we are here for

They always start there text by, “sorry to bother you so late” . It breaks my heart

Any guidance would be appreciated. As much as I would love to say it does not affect me, I am devastated and broken

How do you let them know without just coming out and saying it

I have tried it

If I say that, he will say, “I am fine”

I am at a loss and just want some advice on how to help him open up so he doesn’t feel alone.

I'm 46 and this is my second time in treatment for breast cancer, first time I was 32. Both times the plan was lumpectomy + radiation and chemo. Working full time through treatment, and I still do many things around the house including grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, and yard work/mowing. Chemo sucks right now, it's much harder than 14 years ago, but I'm abut halfway through it. My world has gotten a little smaller (like I can't travel etc) but I have been trying to stay connected with friends, stay physically active, and to not to let cancer steal my joy.

My partner is doing his best. I know that. He is squeamish so he doesn't come to most of my appointments. I also try not to take up too much space, or let cancer **** take up too much space anyway, though some days it's impossible because my treatment affects how I eat, my energy level, my appearance. And we do love each other. If our relationship survives this, we'll celebrate 30 years together this year.

A few weeks ago after getting turned down (again) for intimacy, I learned that one of the reasons is because chemo has changed my body chemistry and smell. It's mortifying! I've taken showers 2-3 times/day since and I'm not sure what else I can do other than pray it's temporary. I think there are other reasons in getting turned down... none of them great, most of them centered around me being repulsive in my current state... bald, puffy, bruised. This is very difficult to reckon with. My partner also says he feels guilty enjoying anything when I'm going through all this, but it's not like I'm initiating on days when I'm feeling yucky. It's somewhat more than physical intimacy, like we are kind of coexisting but not really connecting like we did before.

What's such a stumper is, this is all so different than last time. I know caregiver burnout is totally a thing, but I'm also not asking him to really do much other than walk with me through the journey. I am trying to be patient but it's very hard to go through this while also wondering if it might just be easier if I could disappear and free him from this burden. I absolutely hate what cancer has done to my best friend's life, maybe even more than what it's done to mine.

Can anyone relate?

Any suggestions on how to deal with these feelings?

Going through chemo was one of the hardest things for me with all this thinking back. I would see everyone else with someone else whether it be a significant other, husband/wife, friend, kids; but not me 95 percent of the time I was alone and to hear people say "I will come sit with you" and never show up kills me to this day. I just wish I had more support going through all this. The mental aspect of this afterwords is the hardest thing for me to deal with.

I'm 33, and l've been married for 4 years to my 43 year old husband. I always said I wouldn't do long distance relationship, but life has a way of surprising us, right?.... I'm in the US, he's in the Caribbean.

When we met, I didn't jump into it right away, in fact there was a period where I pulled back because I was always just afraid of being with the "wrong person", I started dating really late (considering the way things are today)... my "relationships" began in my mid 20's, not many, but always the wrong guy...

I was 28 when I met my now husband, with my 2 year old son (absent father figure, I moved on with my child on my own, very difficult time, I always wanted a family)

So that's just a bit about me.

So, my now husband... Eventually he pursued me, and there came a point where it was evident that there was something else between us, we talked and I heard him out, and slowly l gave things a chance.

This man sat down with me, he emphasized how important it was for him to have something serious, stable, and based on fidelity.

When I was alone with my baby, I cried and was depressed a lot, maybe I shouldn't have given so much thought to the idea of having a partner, but l wished that l'd someday meet a "mature", stable, and serious minded man who no longer wanted to be out and about playing around, fidelity is a core value for me, and this was part of what l wanted in someone also. I wanted to someday, if possible find a man who had those values I mentioned and even be a father figure for my son. I wouldn't push that on anyone, it's my child... but in a perfect world, when I cried and prayed, I did like the idea of being one of those lucky women who found both a good husband who loved her child as his own and built a home together....

I am pointing this out because I think this can explain why l am so hurt over what has happened with my husband.

4 years ago, as we got to know each other, he seemed so open about his past, he had "done it all", crazy stories about all the hookups and dating experiences he had, he told me how tired he had gotten of that, he told me he couldn't believe how some men never grow up and value the importance of a real loving relationship.

He spoke about fidelity so much...

It seemed like, well... this was a good match for me. He asked me to never cheat on him because he was not wanting nor willing to accept that because he wouldn't do that to me.

I mean... I was 28, he was 39 going on 40, talked so much about stability, and did so much to "show me" his "good intentions".. and the talks on fidelity? I mean... this was it! Right? All I ever asked for!

Time passed, I was so in love... I have so many memories of romantic moments, deep conversations, the hugs, the crying when we missed each other, the way he cried for me each time I had to come back to the US. He would call me expressing his love for me, some nights he'd call me with tears in his eyes asking me not to "fail" him by cheating, I would cry as well, I promised him I was faithful and he did "everything" to show me he was faithful as well...

But... in between all those beautiful moments (if they were even real because right now I don't know what is) we would have issues because of his temper, he would lash out on me and insult me with the dirtiest words you can think of, I was not used to this so l would defend myself and respond back by not allowing him to speak this way to me. When I responded and fought back, somehow he'd be the one to get offended and would turn things around and get me to think I was in the wrong.. I would say "but you insulted me, and I tried to calmly talk you you, you kept insulting me, is it wrong that I screamed back? I'm a human being also, I was reacting to your nonstop insults"

He'd have a way of just making me question myself... A few arguments happened like that, and it was always my fault if I defended myself or reacted to his verbal abuse.

I began trying to "do things differently" maybe if I didn't answer back I could see if things would be better, maybe I could revisit a conversation or an argument later on when he'd calm down, etc.

I began to just shut down...

To clarify, these "arguments" would come from me asking certain things at times, I mean we were in a long distance relationship, it's only normal to want to talk and be connected as much as possible, he asked me so much to be faithful and promised me his fidelity, then why would he burst into so much anger if I questioned him about little things l'd notice like exes writing to him when he told me he didn't have contact with them... or women sending him inappropriate comments and even photos...

He'd insult me and call me insecure, he told me those women meant nothing, he would say he was a grown man and he is the one who has to deny himself to any woman who tried to cross the line, he'd call me a ****, a ****, he'd say "you're probably the one **** around with other men, why else would you judge me so much assuming I'm cheating?"

I can't believe I'm even saying this, I feel stupid because it was so obvious... but back then, I think he had a hold on me and somehow his words managed to get to me. I began wondering if I was just being insecure like he said, after all we talked all day and all night on video when I was away... he was always home or would call me to show me where he was at, he treated me with so much "love" when we were together, he took me everywhere with him when I traveled to see him, he "showed me off” proudly as the “love of his life”.

But deep down, I just didn't believe that there was nothing else going own, why would he block certain women l'd ask him about on social media but l'd look in his phone and he'd have them on his WhatsApp? He would tell me "I block anyone who could cause a bother or doubts between us, I don't need to talk to any ex or any woman who could cause misunderstanding in our relationship"
—- he didn’t know I was aware of the fact that he'd block them on social media... but not from his phone calls or texts (?)

fast forward… I tried focusing on the “good things” and told myself to try and enjoy our relationship and stop worrying so much about anything when he treated me so well and expressed his love for me at all times.

About 2 years or so passed by where I managed not to question or search etc. I focused on our daily communication, our intimacy, the way we connected and talked about so many things, etc.

Well he was diagnosed with Cancer a year ago (mantle cell lymphoma).... I traveled to see him 7 months ago, I cried so much with him, he cried and hugged me, he expressed his love for me, I don't think this was faked...

I mean.... The way we hugged, even before the Cancer... the chemistry, the conversations about the future together, him telling me things about his childhood and viceversa, crying with each other if we ever had any stress or problem going on... I mean all of that was real... ?

During this last trip while he showered, his phone lit up and I noticed a girl we had talked about many times before was still in touch with him, this is a girl he slept with supposedly years before being with me. And he had blocked her from every place after I pointed out that it made some noise to me that she would contact him so much if there was nothing going on...

He would tell me she is just like that, he blocks her and she shows up from a different phone number or a different account because she's always changing phones and told me it meant nothing to him.

I didn't check his phone that moment, we had already argued in the past over these things and right now all that mattered was the Cancer.

However, I did ask.

As he came into the room, I let him know I noticed he has this girl as his contact again, why? I said it calmly, he told me everyone had been contacting him after they heard the news about his condition... fair enough...

However.... I realized he blocked her and deleted the conversations with her....

Why?

I asked him why... and he blew up... again, insults after insults, I got nervous and I found myself trying to calm him down, I did not judge, scream or assume anything, I told him to please forgive me, I told him to please understand that maybe I ask certain things because of the distance between us, I love him and it would hurt so much if he was being dishonest with me... he kept screaming... telling me l'm only good to stress him out, saying I love to judge and accuse him (?), and I literally kept tearing up, I even tried to approach him lovingly telling him there was no need for him to react that way....

That night, he told me I needed to get help because I wasn't right in the head...

I stood there hearing him... and I took it.

I stayed quiet, I get flashbacks of me standing there while he looked at me with so much rage and said I had mental problems and I needed to get check urgently. There was nothing I could respond to that. But inside of me, I was telling myself I cannot accept this, I am not stupid, in that moment it's like my instinct or an inner voice guided me... this is abuse and there's more behind all of this, I told myself during this trip I have to confirm everything, because there is no way he can continue to verbally abuse me this way and have me question myself so much when I know damn well his reaction is uncalled for.

I did it, I waited 2 nights, and when I got the chance I checked everything in his phone. Or at the very least what I needed.

He had screen recordings of him masturbating with other women on video call, I noticed the date and time on these calls and I looked it up on my phone... he would be talking to me and would excuse himself to speak to a client or a "friend" and said he'd call me back when he was done...

This is what he was doing... He’d then call me to tell me good night and say “I love you”, he’d also question me “who were you talking to?” “Are you sure you weren’t talking to anyone else?” …. Now I know why…

I kept scrolling and my heart broke when I found more of those dating back to 2020.... When we met, when we started... when he showed me he was this grown, mature, “seen it all done it all” type of man who was big on commitment, love and fidelity.... He was never real... not once....

I went into fight or flight (?) | think I did... because I just put his phone down. I'm sure there was a lot more evidence I skipped, my intention was not to see all of it, I am not a masochist... I wanted to know who I was with and I had promised myself that if I did find proof it would be so l could get out of this situation. And that's what I did... I can't describe what I felt... I was scared.... I just wanted to get out (flight?)... while he slept I packed up my things, it was 2 or 3AM.... He eventually woke up a bit and asked what was going on, luckily (for me) he was under medication and a bit groggy, I was so afraid... I felt like I was with a complete stranger, I don't know if I am exaggerating but in that moment I wondered if he'd be capable of hurting me if I were to confront him, I mean... the way he abused me verbally over the years, the way he broke me down mentally and emotionally.... The way he put up an act.... Who's to say he wouldn't get angry and defensive over me "discovering" who he really is and maybe get to the point of hitting me?

(it’s common in Dominican Republic for people to carry guns for protection, he never threatened me or put his hands on me, but I just felt so afraid when he got angry that I don’t like to admit this but a part of me did fear he might hurt me someday, again it was all verbal but I’m also a mom and I don’t like being in situations that can get out of control and then who knows what will be of my babies?, he never noticed but I would take his gun and hide it while I was over there. Maybe he never would’ve hurt me physically but take my fear as a reflection of the kind of anger I got from him)

Ps: he has tried pulling me by my arm to force my phone out of my hand when I questioned him prior about that girl I mentioned earlier. I ran out, and I didn't give him my phone because my phone is my only source of communication, if he would’ve been calm I would’ve given it to him at any time, he never hit me, but his rage sure did scare me and I was all alone over there... he said "you're a **** ****, you dirty ****, see how you don't want to give me your phone? But you're judging me and accusing me of cheating when all l've done is be here waiting for you like a ****? I'm **** tired of you".

He was yelling all of that, I had managed to get out of the house when he tried pulling me to take my phone. Luckily he stayed inside and didn't come out, maybe because he knew if he argued or did anything to me outside others would see or hear.

I slowly got close to the door and I explained "I'm not hiding anything, I'm holding my phone because of how angry you get and you know it scares me, l'm alone here, you don't realize how out of control you get, I wasn't accusing you of anything" (I’d text my sister without giving her much detail but during this trip I really did get to the point of fearing for myself)

I feel so bad for that version of myself... I was so blinded... It’s like seeing a little girl begging and trying to comply with an abusive parent.

To be clear, what I just mentioned is about 2 days earlier before I finally went through his phone.... Just using that as an example as to why I was so afraid to confront him, the night I found everything on his phone confronting him didn't even cross my mind, I was nervous, my mind and body wanted to get out of there ASAP. If there was one thing I realized in that moment was to pay attention to my gut feeling and stop questioning myself.

I packed my things, I remembered I had a cousin living in the country, unfortunately he was very far from where I was at but I reached out to ask for help on how to get to the airport on my own from where I was.

My husband fully woke up when I was on the phone asking for help, he stopped me and kept asking what was wrong, I was shaking and scared...

I told him "nothing, please just lie down and rest" he kept asking me what was going on, I replied letting him know I didn't want him to get angry and it was best for me to just leave.

I guess he was still under the effect of medication and got in bed but pulled me into the bed with him, he hugged me tightly and wouldn’t let go, and I just stayed there... with a million thoughts racing through my mind... hoping he'd fall back asleep deeply enough for me to leave.

Again I don't know, looking back at it maybe I was exaggerating (?) maybe he wouldn't have ever laid his hands on me and I am just assuming that because of how afraid I got when I saw him get angry and offensive.

He woke up while I was leaving and ran out after me, asked me to tell him what was going on, and I told him I knew he had always been unfaithful and that everything was a lie, he froze... he didn't get angry, he just froze…maybe because we were outside when I said this or maybe because this time there was nothing he could say to hide anything any longer.

With the help of my cousin I was able to get an Uber to where was at, he tried stopping me, I refused, he even told me I was acting immaturely and that we should talk things out (what?), he wanted to bring me back inside the house, I kept walking away, he told me to at least let him take me to the airport, he would take me if that's what I wanted, I didn't look at him once...it's like he didn't think I'd really leave... when he saw me getting my bags into the car he asked me to please give him at least a hug... I refused and told him "You are not even half of what you pretended to be, don't touch me, you can ask one of the other women to come hug you or be with you, all I wanted was a home and a family, and you toyed with that.”

I am so sorry, this is so long. If you do read this, believe me, l've cut out some details about other times where I felt threatened and scared by his anger, but I think it's all clear enough...

I disappeared and he kept trying to get a hold of me... the pain l've experienced, man... there's no words to explain. I'd cry, scream, wake up in the middle of the night with flashbacks and remembering every instance where he accused me of being all those horrible things he used to call me just to deflect and get me to stop questioning his actions. I’ve gone through all the stages of grief, only to wake up one day thinking I’m finally over it and randomly start crying or get angry when it hits me all over again… It's been 7 months... and at some point I heard him out, he apologized and cried but guess what? I've seen him cry so many times talking about his fidelity and his love for me... how in the world can I believe him now?

We've fluctuated a lot these past 7 months, I do not feel he has shown me true regret over his actions, if anything he has shut me down every-time, telling me his cancer is the most important thing right now... one night he blew up on me on video when I tried expressing how I felt about the fact that he put up an act, and that if he really loved me as he still says he does then we need to have a serious talk about all of this, he screamed at me.... He hadn't done that while he was trying to get my attention, he told me "you are a ****, you have a **** mental problem, I have cancer and you want to talk about the cheating, I never put any other woman above you, I chose you as my wife and no one dared to come disrespect you, everyone knew you were my wife, you found out because you went searching, isn't that what you **** wanted? Get yourself checked in the head"

I hung up and blocked him. His words don’t have an effect on me anymore. I mean it hurts, everything hurts, including the cancer, I don’t want to sound like I am only caring about the relationship, but I’ve come to terms with the idea that I cannot go back to him, not even to take care of him, I don’t know if I am having some sort of PTSD, but I begin to feel anxious and afraid at the thought of seeing him face to face. If I were to go back, I think we would have to truly clear the air, talk openly, and I’d have to see if there really is anything that can be saved or worked on. I’ve come to terms with the fact that he has his mother caring for him, friends, and family.

I’ve felt guilty all these months too, I’m his wife, he has no idea how much it hurts to think that I should be the one there, for better or for worse, I did not leave because of the cancer, he even implied that. But how do I forget that I found out I was living a lie from day one? Am I being selfish ? I’m willing to put the women to the side, let’s pretend that’s not a factor, but what about the abusive behavior? The times he made me shake in fear with his screams and his disproportionate anger? The times he laughed when I cried because according to him I was being stupid?

I should be the one there with him… I’ve even thought of “forgive and forget” and go be there with him, but don’t I deserve at least to be heard ? Since this whole thing happened he’s come back and we’ve had a back and forth, each time he comes around I think he’ll finally let me express myself, or want to address my questions, show me proof of him willing to do anything to show me transparency, but no… it’s like he’s wanted me to shut up about it and as soon as I bring the topic up he hangs up on me… little does he know, this has only kept opening my eyes more.

Recently he called me from the hospital while getting chemo and he cried, he apologized and said he loves me, and that he wants to do things right, I can tell he was scared, he has been having some new symptoms and the uncertainty about whether or not he'll beat the cancer is pure torture.

I heard him out... I did love him (and I still do, but seeing how he doesn’t care about making any changes even after something so big and hurtful has happened has really affected the way I view him, I am no longer able to speak to him with the same sweet words like before, I no longer care if he hangs up on me when I’m trying to express myself, every little show of disrespect is simply making me view him as anything but my husband)

I'm doing better now, but I get sad over the "good memories" and having to question if that was even real. | I didn't promise anything, I just listened to him while he was at the hospital, he asked me to forgive him and all I was able to say is I didn't want any more anger and abuse either, he told me he wants to work on that, he said he wants to learn how to address things differently...

I did not get my hopes up. I can tell he was vulnerable, but I did not want to believe things would be different without seeing any real changes.

Last week while he was resting back at home, I let him know I wanted to talk things out with him, after all he was the one who called me asking for us to fix things and talk things out calmly...

Well guess what? ... he avoided the topic, he mentioned his cancer as being the only thing we should focus on, I told him his health is the number one thing for sure, but if we are going to get back together we should use this to heal and grow closer together, I'm not judging, attacking or pointing fingers.... I want to talk to the man who called me expressing his love and his desire to work things out, the man who told me while he was in the hospital bed that he admitted he did things wrong by messing around "online" with those women (LIES, I know there was physical encounters, you can't tell me there wasn't more than just an online thing, in fact at the beginning he admitted it when he was desperate to get a hold of me, now, he must've realized I skipped some things on his phone because he has changed the version to saying it was only online conversations, even if it was, it's still infidelity.) I think he believed I had proof of physical encounters at the beginning, but like I said, what I saw was enough to know the truth.

He told me "you know that topic stresses me out", I told him it shouldn't stress him out because I'm not arguing, l have questions, doubts, pain over the way he treated me, questions about these women, I’m willing to listen, he’s been trying to come back but it's been almost 8 months and he has not shown me any interest in wanting to sit down and talk things out, how can I trust him with just a simple “sorry” and tears that l've seen in the past while he lied to me? —

I then asked, "ok, do you think we can go over this once we are done with your cancer treatments and free of cancer?"

His reply? —- “maybe we can, maybe not”...

In that moment, I just felt like I am only wasting my time even thinking about a possible fix to this. So I asked him to let's just end things because I can't trust him and his behavior does not seem any different than what he's shown me in the past, I promised to never allow myself to suffer over this same thing ever again... the day I picked up my things and left marked me, I was in such a state of shock that I even bled uncontrollably (had my period but it wasn’t supposed to be that bad, but I was so nervous and shocked that I think this messed my whole system up that day, I bled through my clothes in the airport, I cried, I was exhausted, I was embarrassed, I felt bad for leaving my kids to be with this man whom didn’t deserve it.) add the grieving process which is still hard some days more than others....I still have days I can’t get out of bed, I’m on medication for depression now, because when I got back to the US and found myself alone with all these thoughts and pain hit me even harder and it’s had me in a loop ever since.

I don't want to relive that...and for almost 8 months I’ve gotten nothing from him other than “sorry”, insults at times, mixed answers, phone being hung up on me, etc.

He became angry when I asked for us to just end things, he sent me the lawyer's contact info which I asked him for, and blocked me. But before he blocked me he sent me a voice message saying he doesn't know what kind of love I feel for him, how can I say I love him when I'm willing to walk out on him when he has cancer? He said he wants to be done with this BS and he wishes I find a solution to my sadness and find a way to fill the void I have (what? If anything he's the one lying, putting up an act, hurting others unfairly, jumping from one woman to the next, I counted over 10 women to say the least, I counted 3 different women in less than a week, he’s the one looking for gratification or validation with any woman through sex despite the fact that we had what seem like an active and pleasurable intimate life and I'm the one needing to fill a void?) 😳

It is now up to me to decide whether or not to divorce him now or if I should wait for him to get his visa so he can get treated here ?

If I divorce him now, then automatically the visa process will have to be canceled.

and this is where I am stuck at now…

I think of all his cruel words, the psychological abuse, the act he put up from the beginning, the attitude he has even when facing something so serious like cancer (one would think he'd really want to change his ways and be a better person), I think of the gaslighting, the anger in his eyes when he insulted me, the times he's called me mentally ill, the fact that he knew he was the one who was in the wrong and still managed to look me in the eyes and speak so confidently about himself, and I immediately think I should not care about him and just let him start his visa process all over again on his own.

Then I think of the Cancer, after all we are talking about someone's life, I think about how good he was with our kids (my son... and yes, we had a child who's 2) and I feel like the humane thing to do would be to finish the process and allow him to come here and get treated with more options for his kind of cancer too... he's already going through hell with this condition.

Sometimes I wonder if he was just using me for the visa, if he was and I decide to proceed with it, then it sucks that he ends up getting it because of an incurable illness. Maybe he’ll find himself learning a lesson and becoming a better man/husband at some point, though not for me, I have no hope in us anymore.

What would you do?

If you read all this, wow! Thank you so much... I know it's a lot. But l'm lost and stuck...

Do I forget about it and let him deal with his issues in his own? (At this point I do not mind raising my boys on my own, it's not their fault, I do not mind co parenting as long as we sit down and come to an agreement on that if he wants. But I won't pursue him to be a father either. So l'll wait and see he eventually cares about working on that.)

Do I finish the visa process out of consideration for his health?

Help!

My old insurance wasn't paying any of the bills and they told me they were investigating my illness and my insurance policy. In December 2024, they rescinded my policy from November 2023-November 2024. This has left us about $150K in medical bills plus there is a $230K hospital bill that hasn't been sent to us yet. When I got diagnosed, I was in the hospital for 10 days and had an 8 hour surgery to install rods and screws in my back to the cancer pushing on my spine and almost breaking it.

We talked to a bankruptcy lawyer and she said don't pay the medical bills. She said you need to focus on yourself and healing and getting better. She's absolutely right, but I don't know what to do with these bills. The hospital saved my life and I want them to get paid, but we simply don't have any money to pay them.

The bills are all in my name, so I believe if I die, my wife won't be stuck with them. Also, the house is in both are names so I don't think they can take our house. I've always paid my bills and I've never accepted any kind of government assistance, but now I need some kind of help. I'm trying not to think of the bills, but I can't help it and I don't know what will happen.

We've been paying all my bills since we got the new insurance in November, but we have all the debt from August to November.

Can anyone give some advice? I've tried talking to the bill collectors a couple of times and they've reduced the charges to the amounts I listed above.

I haven't posted here in a very long time. In 2019 at age forty-two I was diagnosed with stage three rectal cancer. No one asked me what I wanted, I was given no options. It was just "Here's what we're going to do. Where going to irradiate you, have you swallow poison pills called Xeloda and then when you really feel like crap we're going to cut you open, pull out the cancer and give you a permanent colostomy. These are your orders, any questions?

So I did what I was told and then the day of the surgery came and it did not go well. I woke up to find my lens prescription had changed and I now needed new glasses. The only thing I could find about this was the possibility of a stroke under anesthesia. I was in horrid pain, the plan to use a robot to remove the cancer failed and I have a scar that looks like someone used a machete to cut a hole and pull the cancer out by hand. It's massive. They kept me in the hospital for five days during which they rolled me over in my bed and the pain was so bad that I screamed each time. On day five there was a temporary issue with my insurance and not wanting to risk not being paid they discharged me. I could barely walk. I had trouble making it from my living room to the bathroom ten feet away. I had issues with my bladder and going to the bathroom. I had no idea how to deal with a colostomy because a nurse was supposed to come to my apartment and show me but due to the insurance issue they refused to send a nurse out. I was on my own.

Two weeks later while trying to reach the bathroom on my own for the first time I collapsed. My girlfriend called 911 and I was rushed to the ER where I nearly died from a blood clot in my lungs. They cut a hole in my neck, put a tube down my throat and into my lungs and sprayed blood thinners on it. I was in the ICU for a week and when I was sent to a regular room afterward my surgeon showed up at seven in the morning, woke me up and blamed me for the clot. I then spent another seven days in a regular hospital room. Still no one would show me how to deal with my ostomy.

I survived that ordeal, went through "mop up" chemo and dealt with the after effects of everything. I never regained full control of my bladder, I had to get new glasses and it was only when they put eye drops to dilate my pupils that my retinas began opening and closing like they should again giving me access to night vision.

The poison and radiation aged me about twenty years in the span of less than a year. This lead to further health issues. In 2021 I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and gave up sugar and all the tasty foods I loved. The poison also caused the tooth decay I could not afford to fix to spread faster and I eventually lost all my upper teeth. I have a piece of plastic I made myself in there so I can chew somewhat and speak normally. Eventually that will stop working though as I need the back two teeth to anchor it to and it's only a matter of time before they break like the rest. I am on disability and have medicare which won't pay a dime for dental. I'm on my own.

In 2022 a hernia formed around the ostomy and I had to go back in for more surgery. I found a different surgeon this time and it was not as difficult but I now have a mesh in my stomach around the ostomy to hold it in place.

In December I went for a routine visit to my doctor and told her I was loosing feeling in my feet and hands. She did blood work and it turned out I was extremely iron deficient. She scheduled me for two iron infusions and an endoscopy which turned up an ulcer. I still haven't gotten the results of the biopsy yet, they are testing it for Celiac Disease.

I'm on 100 different medications for a 100 different issues. When does it stop being science and start being necromancy? I can no longer work and with the current political climate I wonder if they will take my SSDI away. Going out in public is an issue as well. Though I do go out it's always a gamble of what will my ostomy do while I'm out, planning for it and adjusting intake the day or two before going out. However those around me often say "But your alive!" This is not life. This is undeath. The undeath is made worse by the fact that once you can no longer work society writes you off and throws you in the trash can. I worked sixty hours a week before cancer but once I couldn't do that anymore it didn't matter. I was now a drain on society.

Every time I go to the doctor it's all about making sure my heart keeps beating. They smile when the latest cancer screening comes back clean and I smile back, the fakest smile ever and then I go home and cry because I have to continue to walk this earth. I've been through cancer, that pain is nothing compared to the emotional torment. When you go through enough physical pain it eventually becomes background noise that you tune out. I would rather die of cancer than live like this but that's taboo. We don't talk like that, it's unacceptable. No doubt someone would want to add a host of mental health medications on top of the blood thinners, metformin, astrovastatin, daily vitamins, iron infusions and whatever they are about to put me on to heal the ulcer. No, thank you. I'll pass.

Christy

My daughter got upset and wrote her aunt a letter asking why she is excluding her. There have been past problems and my daughter has asked to have a family meeting yo work through them but my mother and sister refuse to do this.

I had the added complication of catching my niece molesting my son which my sister will not believe or deal with. She has also decided to leave our brother in New Zealand a nasty letter to be sent to him when she dies which is cruel l have warned him.

My sister has caused drama her whole life it has just escalated since her diagnosis. My mother even though my sister nearly drove her to suicide is choosing to cut my daughter my young son and l off because she is dying.

My mother who Is now at 73 planning on taking my niece has approached my 24 year old son to support her which l am livid about. My son is a softy and will help but they should not be burdening him he is just starting his life.

My niece has a lot of problems for which l have skills to deal with my son does not. My son is in touch with me but l am afraid my sister will attempt to poison him to to isolate him as she does not want me to see my niece.

My point is just because your dying doesn't give you the right to be cruel and dismissive to others.

I am at a loss l now have lost my mother too because of my sisters manipulation it hurts.

I am a young(er) survivor of childhood cancer (now 25 went into remission at 13). I previously had Ewing's Sarcoma in my right hip socket. For years I've had a high WBC count, and just recently am having it checked out. Via a CT an enlarged lymph node was found and via an ultrasound the results said there is a "high suspicion of malignancy" for the lymph node due to a few factors. I recently had a biopsy and am still waiting for the results and am awaiting an appointment for a PET scan. I'm slightly freaking out that I'm going to be diagnosed with cancer again. I don't know if anyone else has had this suspicion and how that might have turned out? Or if anyone has any tips to deal with a potential incoming diagnosis.

Again as a final note, I have not spoken to my hematologist/oncologist since the ultrasound so all I have to go off of is this suspicion so maybe I'm also just overthinking and stressing out over nothing.

Just looking for some place to connect with others caring for a dying spouse who is angry, hateful and actually cruel with his words. Been married 45 years, he was a functioning alcoholic and I was the enabler. I am a 10 year Lung cancer survivor who by all means should not be here except by the grace of GOD. He is 72 started with prostate cancer, developed MDS which progressed to leukemia.

Needless to say he's angry and mad and guess who his punching bag is. I get it, been there but I never during my 5 years of treatments, and 100's of scans and test did I take my illness out on my loved ones. I don't understand!

HOW do I continue with this, been dealing with this since his first diagnosis of prostate cancer in 5/2021.

At such a loss

I am the youngest of 3 kids whose mother has some type of inoperable stage 4 cancer diagnosed 5 years ago. This is the extent of what we know as she refuses to tell us anything. I know she only had one chemo and one immunotherapy session. This is the extent of what we know other than we can tell the end is near. She made it very clear from the beginning we won't be discussing her cancer and or the refusal to get treated. I know losing her father to cancer was hard on her and he was the total opposite. He went on the attack aggressively and was very open about it and welcomed the support. I think her seeing her father suffer so bad and get so much treatment just to lose his life so quickly affected her to be this way. I want to say I know this is her life her body her cancer and her choice. I know I sound terrible and am about to sound worse in a minute here but I think this is selfish and terrible to do to her kids especially now towards the end. I am taking it the worst and its because I just want to not only help any way I can but also for me I want to just talk to my mother before she's gone get some last minute advice make some more memories. I want to take advantage of the very little time left. This is not an option she wont let anybody talk to her and or acknowledge that she has cancer. She is at the point where she is bed written no longer can she walk let alone leave the house or go for a drive. She is in a horrifying amount of pain where even morphene is not helping and it destroys me inside out that she won't even let me try and help. She has refused hospice, a home nurse aid, and if you even try to bring anything up even a simple question that would acknowledge her cancer and or life you are exiled. So I just don't know what to do. I am at the point where im just left knowing she is in her bed suffering and I cant do anything to help her. So selfishly I am also thinking of myself and my siblings how we are al going to be after she passes none of use getting any closure and being left knowing for the past 5 years she suffered so much alone and we are just left with that rotting inside us. I'm not even sure if any of that makes sense. If anyone out there had a similar experience, How do you cope, How did you cope, any advice or thoughts on what I can do to get through this along with psychotherapy which I need to start. I am just so scared of how I will feel after she is gone all my unanswered questions and time missed. I just want to be there with my mom the way she was there for us all our lives and it's not going to happen :(

Thanks for your time any tips stories etc very much appreciated. Apologies for the rambling and poor punctuation.