My 35-year-old husband of 10 years was diagnosed with leukemia five months ago. We have been together since we were teenagers and have had a borderline perfect marriage up until his diagnosis. I have always loved him deeply, and he is a great man.

The first few months were extremely traumatic for me, and I had to bear the brunt of everything. I am exhausted beyond words. Thankfully, my husband is doing much better and his in-hospital treatment is ending soon.

The problem is, he is anxious to get things going again in the bedroom, and I am not. He has always had a much stronger sex drive than me, and he is pushing me to get back to it. I'm not exactly sure why, but the thought of sex almost repulses me. I don't like when he touches me under my shirt or grabs hold of my bum. Not to mention that we won't be able to open-mouth kiss and will need condoms to protect me from the chemo he will be taking indefinitely. It's not a physical problem (although he looks very different). It's almost like I'm waiting for my husband to come back. Like this person isn't him. He always protected me and has been my safe place all these years. Our roles have been reversed. Now I look at him and feel pain and fear. He is an ill person that needs care, not someone I feel sexually attracted to. I'm over here trying to get through the days, and he wants things to be light, sexy, and fun. We are not on the same page at all, and he is getting frustrated with me.

Has anyone else lost their attraction to their spouse during the cancer process? I feel so guilty for feeling this way. Please help!

That said, are there any initiatives for caregivers to meet online, and would anyone be interested in participating?

12 years ago, my late husband of 29 years, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He lived 2.5 years after diagnosis because he did experimental chemo treatments and radiation. For me, it was brutal and tramatizing. I was tramatized because of the side effects of the chemo, his inability to eat or drink which left him dehyrated which then meant many, many trips to the ER, many hospitalizations for obstructed bowels. I had to do many "medical type things" at home to my husband for his comfort, but which were very upsetting to me. Then when the treatments no longer worked, I had to fight with hospice for intervious hydration for comfort. (Only one hospice in my city would allow intevenious hydration!) Then when he died, my heart was broken, my health was broken (I developed diabetes and high bloodpressure during his cancer treatment), I was broken.

Now, with both my mom and my partner going through cancer, I am being re-tramatized all over again, every day.

My mom has decided not to treat the cancer, but is doing all kinds of alternative treatment, and she has a good quality of life - she lives independently, can cook, drive, and do things for her self. She needs me to keep her company, and to help her with everyday tasks, make sure she does her daily alternative treatment protocol, going to doctors appointments and dealing with paperwork and bills. She is in a good space now, but 6 weeks ago, she was in a very dark place, very frustrated and upset. I was upset because there was nothing I could do to ease her suffering. That made me suffer.

Now, with my partner, his diagnosis is new. We meet with the oncologist next week. We know the first treatment will be chemotherapy. Which has me very scared for him and for me.

PeviouslyGoing through 2.5 years of very tough treatments and the effects with my late husband, has made me extremely upset and feeling

Diagnosis, feeding tube, port. This morning he got angry at me for doing too much and that I had my feelings hurt when he didn’t want help. He packed his stuff - driving even though he shouldn’t this coming week.
I am struggling with knowing how to help and be supportive.

Tonight, she complained of terrible pain in her right shoulder, occasionally traveling down to her rib. Mom is not an attention grabber or faker; for her to admit pain (which she described as a 7 on a 1-10 scale) is a big deal. She was writhing around on her bed and having difficulty speaking. But she would not let me take her to the ER or call an ambulance. She wouldn't even let me wake my brother (we're on a family vacation — I'm 46, and my brother is 38).

All of this is to ask: At what point do I ignore my mother's wishes? I technically have power of medical authorization (or whatever that's called), but she's still completely competent. That said, if it were one of her kids writhing on the bed and feeling intense pain, she'd have us on the way to the hospital in minutes. Shouldn't I do the same? Or do I respect her because she's a grown woman?

My brother lives 10 hours away from my mom where I only live 3 which makes me the primary care-giver. My brother does not help at all. He claims to not be able to help due to "his life" yet doesn't have children like I do and flies all over the country for events with his friends.

When he does decide to be involved, he and his wife take control and do not respect mine and my husbands insight.

I am exhausted, overwhelmed, and miss my family back home. I haven't seen my daughter already in 3 weeks due to caretaking reasons and it will be longer. How do I prevent resentment, besides, therapy, from forming? I went through resentment towards my brother when my dad died and we figured things out. I really don't want to repeat history.

I hope this message finds you well. I am reaching out for support as I navigate a challenging situation with my dad, who was admitted to the hospital on June 6, 2024, after being diagnosed with basal cell carcinoma. Following a series of tests and consultations, we met with an oncologist whose advice left me feeling quite uneasy. He suggested that if my dad took a chemotherapy pill, he could be considered cancer-free, but it would require him to remain on the medication indefinitely.

My dad’s situation is particularly complex. He struggles with schizophrenia, which complicates his treatment options. He has consistently refused to take medication for his mental illness, leading to difficult experiences during my upbringing. Growing up, I witnessed him battling his own demons, and sadly, these challenges resulted in abusive behavior towards me and my siblings. Although I have begun to heal from that past, the impact it had on our family dynamics remains.

Despite the oncologist's assurances, my dad seemed to cling to the notion that he could be cured simply by taking the chemotherapy pill. It was a bittersweet relief when we eventually visited a dermatologist to assess the extent of his skin cancer and discuss surgical options. My father was hesitant and uncertain about the surgery, but my mom, the doctor, and I assured him that he had ultimate control over his health decisions. Unfortunately, my dad’s cancer, which he believed was merely a spider bite, had significantly worsened over the past three years, transforming from a small mole into a concerning 1.5-inch tall, 1-inch wide mass on the left side of his temple. It had now affected his eyesight in his left eye and spread to his lymph nodes, as well as his brain, lungs, spine, and colon.

When it came time for his final appointment with the dermatologist, my dad refused to attend, so I went in his place. As I sat in the consultation room, my heart sank as the dermatologist delivered the devastating news: my dad’s simple skin cancer had progressed to terminal cancer, the chemotherapy pill had failed, and surgery was no longer an option. I was advised to consider hospice care sooner rather than later, a heartbreaking reality I had to face.

After the appointment, I returned home and shared the news with my mom. Understanding my father's volatile state of mind, we both feared that if he learned of his terminal diagnosis, he might spiral into a state of despair that could lead to a violent reaction, potentially harming my mother or himself. This fear was not unfounded; my father's history created a deep concern for our family's safety.

As we discussed our options, it became clear that we felt it was safer for my dad not to be aware of his terminal condition; we wanted to shield him from despair while maintaining a positive atmosphere. The hospice organization I found was sympathetic to this need, agreeing to keep our communications focused on support and care without burdening my father with the weight of his illness. With my background in hospice, long-term care, and rehabilitation, I felt confident in managing his care plan and ensuring he received the best possible support.

However, as time has passed, I find myself wrestling with doubts. It is now a year into this journey, and while my dad knows he is unwell, he does not connect his sickness to cancer. As he approaches the end of his life, I question whether I made the right choice by withholding this critical information. Did I act out of love, or did I make the decision primarily for my own comfort? I cannot shake the fear that had he known the truth, he might have either hurt my mom or succumbed to despair, abandoning the hope for joy in whatever moments he had left.

Am I wrong for making this choice? I am truly struggling with these feelings and would deeply appreciate any guidance you could offer. Thank you for taking the time to listen.

I am a British man, living in the UK. My wife Debbie has advanced blood cancer. I find myself becoming increasingly gloomy and short-tempered, which is of no help to Debbie, especially as it is she and not me who is facing death. Do any male caregivers out there have any advice they could offer me? Thanks for taking the time to read this.

So it was not so much but a major factor in this experience that I realized some things. That the situation was eff-up and preventable due to the parent with cancer having chosen to NOT pack their drinky-drinks and snicky-snacks for this shopping excursion and realizing that I have a problem with reaching out for help.

In figuring out and maneuvering myself in my parents journey with cancer there are things that are not addressed in the Spanish culture. There is this thing where you want your parent to succeed and to be independent and to realize that there are no wrong choices in their health and in that same breath realizing that the parents ego makes them blind that there is no going back to the way things were for them. The dynamic of parent to child is flipped on its head and it is never fair. It cannot be fair when you the " Caregiver" are there to nudge them or course-correct so at the end of maybe the hour or day the parent can still hold on to some version of control. And as I recently told my parent (s) it sucks. It really does that I have to play my role to them which is both out of obligation and by choice. Sometimes choice and obligation for me look the same and other times they are so different.

I thought I was able to figure it out. Like alot of things I have done and been in I have always figured things out on my own. It may not have been perfect or at 100% or as I have liked it and still I managed to figure it out. I have the internet. I have people. I have books. I did it all on my own because I can because I had learned to be self-reliant/sufficient and I knew/know how to address myself in doing the research. Until that moment in the store.

There are so many things I can nit-pik about that day but I know I cannot. I cannot. I " self medicated" almost on auto when I did the therapy shopping and developed this insatiable need to be places. A part of me knew my body was off but I did a damn good job ignoring it until I remembered that running away from the "Feeling" was never gonna resolve it. So I had to ask myself what about it got me in shock. Surprisingly it was not the passing out . It was the fact that I was placed in a situation that required I ask for help because I did not know how to resolve the situation. It required me to reach out to strangers and I was not prepared to do that. It meant that I was not enough on my own. Like I needed a team and good lord that annoys me.

So here I am reaching out and looking for support groups for "Caregivers" that are both doing things out of obligation and choice. I am looking and searching for Caregivers maybe fresh in the journey like I am and really importantly just as much as a stranger to me as I would be to them. I could reach out to family but what causes me to not do that is that families have this way of coloring their opinions' and POV with their experience and expectation of what they need for themselves versus what you need for you. And I find that dangerous. Dangerous because in Caregiving I have discovered there is shadow work involved and that is a whole other philosophical mess on it's own there.

So if you have reached the end of this very long topic… I. A stranger in the most platonic non-sexual harassment way possible mean the next following words….. You are doing an Amazing job handling your work life, home life, and self care. If I could give you a platonic hug with Spiritual well wishes for your continued strength with no-strings attached I would. You are finding your people. You are finding the no-nonsense support you need and I know it is not fair. It can hurt.

I do not believe or have ever believed in the notion of coincidence. So if whatever I have written has given you what you seek, then know that in me you have community.

he's going through chemo right now I'm here looking for help and information on where I can post my GoFundMe to help raise money for my dad anybody anybody that knows anything about it please you know send me some information

thank you

at the beginning, dad’s cancer diagnosis was positive and he was receiving care at the preeminent cancer treatment center in our area through their community care program. they told us that they’d remove the tumor, threat the area with radiation, and life would be back to normal. it turns out that the docs there lied about the severity and the spread, treated one area, and then cleared and discharged him without letting us know what they already knew about the ticking time bomb in his head. fast forward a few months after he was “cleared”, and we find out that he was very much NOT clear, and that his road to recovery was actually the road to hospice.

as his physical health deteriorated, i tried to step up and take care of the incidentals for him, but had to step back down because it made dad insecure about his own ability. for the past two years, things have steadily declined, despite consistently receiving positive updates from the VA (who we transferred his care to) at his appointments, and we’ve reached a point where dad can’t take care of the things he was used to taking care of without hurting himself.

it’s so hard for him to accept help (for many, many reasons predating my birth), but when i offer a helping hand, or offer to take him on an outing to relieve some of the stress he feels, he spits on it. i’ll admit that i made a mistake several months back believing that his cognitive state at the time was functional enough for big decision making, and listened to him when my estranged mom blew back into town and let her move back into the house (she’s still on the deed bc they never divorced). this was fine for a day until she started back up with her antics that drove them apart a decade ago.

back when the terminal diagnosis was handed to us, the VA offered help in the form of home hospice, pain meds, and therapy, but my dad refused any and all of these, and we remade plans for what would be the end of his life as we could. my mom’s arrival blew all of that up, and despite continually being offered these services, my dad continues to turn them down. he doesn’t want a home hospice nurse, he doesn’t want other family around, he believes that everyone around him is out to take advantage, and most of all, he just wants to die.

it’s been a few months since that happened, and i was finally able to convince my mom to leave, as her presence was unhelpful from every angle and the mere sight of her upset my dad beyond reason, but now dad has propped me up in her place and is just lambasting me with constant criticism, screaming at me for offering to help prep his meals or administer his meds, hurling racial abuse at me (he’s white, my mom is not), and wants to micromanage literally everything i do in the house.

i’m still here because i love my dad, i understand what the cancer and the meds and the general state of the world are doing to him, and i may not be perfect, but he feels like i’m the only one he has (only child born later in his life & no one else in our family has stepped up to offer the kind of care he needs). i WANT to stay here to be here for him, i want to take care of him, i don’t want him to die alone, feeling unloved, but as time goes on, it seems like the only thing that will satisfy him is for me to leave and leave him to die. outside of some short term memory issues and hearing loss related problems, dad’s mentally sound to make his own decisions, so filing for conservatorship would not only be useless, but a massive betrayal in his eyes, and i don’t want to do that to him.

he has so very little left wrt time and independence, i just want to help him out and spend this last bit of his life with him, but i don’t know if that’s possible at this point. i don’t have my own money (having been out of the formal workforce for these past five years and not receiving any compensation for caregiving), so moving out to stay near is currently impossible, but my friends (out of town) have already made plans to take me in and help out when he’s gone until i get back on my own feet. the problem is me; leaving him feels morally and ethically illegal. i’m losing my mind and my hair, but it feels like i’m trapped with no good option left to pick.

We (wife and I) live 6 hours away. Luckily we are retired and spent 1st 3 weeks helping her out as best we could. This was all while she was in the hospital. She has since gone through I believe 13 chemo treatments and supposedly her numbers looked really good. But they have not done any surgery. Since we are not related, we have no standing with the doctors or hospital and rely on her for info which she is reluctant to go into any detail, though we know she is not happy or confident with the doctors or hospital. But she also seems unwilling to get 2nd opinions or press for more detailed answers. Basically she is afraid to advocate for herself.

Initially she was very strong and upbeat, she was determined to not let this beat her or drag her down. We come over to visit as often as we can. And each time she seems more knocked down and evidently they are looking to start her up on more treatments.

I've mentioned this site and other resources which she says sounds like a "good idea" but doesn't follow thru and when pushed, gets very defensive and "has so much going on" she doesn't have time to get other help or support.

Honestly, I'm frustrated with both the lack of treatment, lack of a treatment plan and her unwillingness to seek any other outside help or support which I think this site and forums could give her. It is hard to know what to do and harder to help her with any of this when we only get over here about once a month for 3-5 days at a time.

Please give me some advice, suggestions. Should I back off? Push harder?

Thank you

Lisa